When I was fourteen, [insert long involved back story here] I met a man named Josh (he was 21). He and I became romantically involved basically because I had no where to live and I was addicted to prescription pills. He could supply me with food, pills, shelter, etc. I became dependent on him. He physically and emotionally and sexually abused me. He forced himself upon me on a daily basis for months until I escaped, in the practical sense of the word. I always planned to wait until marriage to have sex. I never made the decision to engage in intercourse (especially with someone I didn't love). I was raped by him, maybe, 60 times and each time was worse than the last. I am not looking for pity. I am looking for hope. I know that physically I am not a virgin but am I not worth as much anymore. Am I no longer innocent? My virginity was something I always planned as a gift for the man I spent the rest of my life with. Instead it was brutally taken from me. Am I no longer worth it?

Your value as a human, is not based on what you went through, but who you are as a person, now. So no matter your past, being a good human, who respects life, and loves others, is what counts. Yes you are worth it. Love yourself for who you are, and be happy with yourself, and ignore the ignorance of others. If your happy with yourself, others who are happy with themselves, will be attracted to you, and want to share it with you. Never give up on yourself.

This is rather heavy, there are variety of things you should do, such as seek councilling, talk to friends, try and think positively and move on. However, it sounds like you should go to the police, at the very least this bloke who did these nasty things to you is a peadaphile and should not be aloud to wonder the streets looking for someone else like you.

I just wonder, like, will the kind of man I want to marry, still want to marry me? I mean, the gift of intimacy and all of that. It sounds cliche but it means so much to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm being ridiculous in thinking there is that kind of man out there anymore.

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Originally Posted by helpdave

This is rather heavy, there are variety of things you should do, such as seek councilling, talk to friends, try and think positively and move on. However, it sounds like you should go to the police, at the very least this bloke who did these nasty things to you is a peadaphile and should not be aloud to wonder the streets looking for someone else like you.

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I'm pretty sure he is dead but I'm not sure where he would be if he weren't dead. I'm not struggling with what's happened to me and I'd really rather not bring it up with those around me. My close friends know. That's all that matters. I mean, people know I understand how they feel when they're in similar situations. That's all I can ask for. I'm helping others. I know that I'm clean and forgive in God's eyes and he's my only standard. :)

This isn't going to help you much, but it depends on the man. That sort of stuff would bother me in my teens and early twenties, but the older I got (I'm in my late twenties) I find I could not care less about my girlfriends past as long as she is a good person of whom I want to be with. Therefore the answer maybe within you and your personality, values and the way you live life and not what a man you haven't yet met might find wrong with you. I think you may be worrying for no reason!

Without trying to sound rude, you may find it more difficult to find a man who won't wait until after marriage. I know I wouldn't regardless of who it was! But then again marriage is not for me!

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Originally Posted by helpdave

This isn't going to help you much, but it depends on the man. That sort of stuff would bother me in my teens and early twenties, but the older I got (I'm in my late twenties) I find i could not care less about my girlfriends past as long as she is a good person of whom i want to be with. Therefore the answer maybe within you and your personality, values and the way you live life and not what a man you haven't yet met might find wrong with you. I think you may be worrying for no reason!

Without trying to sound rude, you may find it more difficult to find a man who won't wait until after marriage. I know I wouldn't regardless of who it was! But then again marriage is not for me!

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I don't even know what I believe about that anymore. I want to get married someday but I'm still very young yet. Thanks for your opinion though. :)

Girl, I too went through a very similar thing when I was 14. Yes, you were raped, this means you didn't "give" yourself to this man and when the time is right for you and the man you ultimately fall in love with, you will be "giving" yourself to him and him only. This is the true gift of your virginity. The physical act of it was ripped from you, this I know and understand, however, a man of true feelings and love of you will see this as it is. Seek counseling. I am now 36 and it has taken 22 years of hard life and much depression that I didn't realize I was coping with to see that I needed help. Friends are great, however, there is nothing like the right therapist to help you find peace after such a traumatic event. If you don't, you could be setting yourself up for further heartache, as well as more substance abuse. I did. Please don't worry about what your future husband will think, there is much, much, much more to sex than the physical act. The intimacy of willingly sharing everything of you with a man you choose is the art of making love. I'm sure he would agree.

Listen, I couldn't put it any better than sheri novi and talaniman and help dave... they all really hit it on the head... and so beautifully worded. It makes my heart leap with joy that there are such good people with such clear and beautiful minds out there. So I won't advise you or say anything more than to listen to sheri and the rest and stay as brave and as smart as you already sound. Peace and love

You have to realize that
You were in a situation beyond your control
You were only 14

The word “virgin” has emotional, social, psychological, and spiritual meanings besides physical definitions. So in your heart and attitude your desire is still to wait so wait and move on in the direction you desire.

This may help you find what you are looking for
Introduction : The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin

Born Again [email protected]

While many on these girls had made the choice to be with guys and then change their situation is different but the outcome where they are now is something that may answer some of the hope you are looking for.

I can't imagine a real man, not wanting a real woman in his life. When the time comes you'll meet him. Love yourself until then.

You are caught up in Romanticizing men and sexuality, that is no help for a girl with your history... girl, you have to face reality, the reality of what happened to you and how you got into that situation. That is the only way to grow and mature as an individual so you can make good decisions about relationships and all the other important areas of life. :)

Good luck in 2008!