When I say 'I love you' it feels empty. I don't know if I'm just depressed or if it's something deeper than that. I've been wondering about what could have been with people from my past.. and I feel guilty for it. But it's been on my mind non-stop for weeks now.
After almost 5 yrs, I feel lost with her.
I feel that she hates me. She tells me sometimes that she does. Then apologizes and says it's out of anger. That she doesn't mean it. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
She has a bad temper and we fight over the most ridiculous things. Things that we wouldn't fight over if it weren't for her. I can say that of all the arguments we've had during our relationship, I've never started one. I can let things go. I'm laid back and pretty chill most of the time. I hate the intensity of arguing, and just try to remember that life isn't supposed to be so serious- but then a fight over socks left on the floor or something equally minimal is started by her, and I end up getting sucked into it. I used to be able to just keep my cool- but I get angry back now, and I hate that she's brought out that side of me.
She becomes a different person when we fight. And the more we fight, the less I want to be with her, even when we're not fighting. When we argue she does whatever she can to hurt me. She calls me names. Slaps me in the face, pushes me, threatens to break up with me often, throws things, breaks things. Then cries about how sorry she is afterwards. And I believe she means it and is truly sorry. But how can I get her to stop doing this? I really can't take it, even if she is sorry about it. I used to be able to, but it's gotten to be much harder. We have amazing times together still, but it's not the same. I used to feel like it all balanced out and that part of life is taking the good with the bad. But the bad is starting to make the good less attractive, because I know it's only temporary, and I'm wondering when she'll lose her cool and freak out on me again.
I feel unappreciated. We live together, and have a small apartment that I take care of. I do her laundry, make her dinner, clean the house, pay the bills, work full time, and go to school part time. I feel overburdened, and if I talk to her about it she either says I complain too much and I don't really do much, or she'll say she appreciates it and will start doing more- but never does.
It makes me wonder if she's only with me because she depends on me for so much. And if she just thinks she loves me, but she just loves the situation: I do everything, she gets whatever she wants, can flip out and belittle me and I just take it. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. I feel like if I was, I would know. And I don't know how to bring it up to her. I'm thinking of a break. But I know that's just typically the beginning of a break up, so why drag it out? I know that she depends a lot on me, and I worry about what she would do if I even suggested that I might not be in love with her anymore. And I do care about her a lot, so I don't want her to do anything to herself or get her in a bad place in her life by losing what she's used to (us).
Please help.
