Ask Me Help Desk - My brother is stuck in a custody battle

Hello, and I apologize in advance for the length of this.
I have spent the last few days looking up everything I can find to help my brother in his time of need.
He has a 6 month old daughter that he loves with all of his heart, He is a wonderful man and always has been. He has worked for one of the big 3 auto makers for 10 years and has a beautiful home and an extremely stable lifestyle, he is the most responsible person I have ever know.
He and the mother of his child split up when they were about 7 months pregnant (mothers choice, she claimed she could not "push him around") He spent the whole time she was pregnant preparing his home for the new arrival, buying new furniture for the baby's room and all the clothes he could ever need for her for the first year of her life. We even had a daddy's baby shower and a diaper party so that we could all help out as a family for our beautiful new baby addition.
He was there for the mother, was there for the birth, took FMLA to stay with the mother and baby for close to 2 weeks to help the mother adjust to her new responsibilities. But after that the mother started becoming very stringent on his rights, limiting his visits to "NO OVERNIGHTS UNTIL SHE IS 6 MONTHS" after they had verbally agreed that he would have visitations every other weekend. So he was stuck picking up the baby on Saturday mornings at 5:30am before the mother went to work, and then letting the mother pick her up at 4:30p on Saturday when she got out of work. Same went for Sundays. The baby is now just over 6 months and yet the mother still refuses to let my brother keep her over night.
About 2 or 3 months ago he was having a phone conversation with the mother and she told him she was heading to the courthouse to get the custody process started so that they could have legal joint custody, he asked if he was suppose to be there and she said no. He never received any court papers for this incident. He was then told later by the mother that they had to meet with the PROSECUTING ATTORNEY so he went to that meeting. There the attorney gave him stacks of papers to sign and told him that this was to get the joint custody started, he began reading some and started to sign. In that stack was a paper that the PROSECUTING attorney had put in there to have my brother sign off his rights.
He found out at a later date about this. He has since been to court with an attorney to fight for his rights to obtain full custody of my darling niece, but was thus far denied and now has to go back this month for another court appearance for this. There are many things he feel makes her unfit as a parent and we are wondering if this will help us and if there is a way to bring up some type of charges against the PROSECUTING attorney or something along these lines. In reference to being an unfit parent, she underfeeds the child and tells the child in front of my brother that they are going to have to put the baby on a diet. (my niece was premature and is now 6 1/2 months old and only weighs 12lbs 9oz. We noticed that the mother is still putting 0-3 month clothes on her causing her toes to be very restricted along with her legs. Every time my brother gets her she has 1 or 2 new scratches on her face. The mother also has daily issues with migrains and complains of many other medical issues, the mother also spends every extra minute she can telling my brother that he is not allowed to do certain things when he has the baby, such as feeding her other than a bottle, laying her on his bed if she is napping, while he lays next to her, clean her ears, get anything on the baby's clothing, that she does not want him to let his family babysit the baby when he has her and many other restrictions she constantly hounds him on 3-4 times a week. He keeps his composure so well despite all of this and we all panic if she gets a drop of formula on her outfit for fear of the tongue lashing the mother will give my brother when she picks the baby up. He gets so sad when he has to take the baby back to her mother and says he starts missing her before she is even gone.
Anyone have any advice on what we can do about the prosecuting attorney and this case? what will hold up in court to prove that he has rights and does want to be there for that baby all the time? Can he pursue full custody and have a fighting chance? Also, one last things, with the mother having custody the baby lives in a small not well kept apartment, the mother smokes and has a history of drug use and alcohol use, and the baby has to go to daycare during the week, the mother is also on the verge of losing her job. If the father had custody, he owns a beautiful country home, does not smoke, never done any drugs, does not drink, and has a stable and great job, he makes more than double her salary.

This is too long to cut and paste - how did the prosecutor (which I assume you mean when you say prosecuting attorney) get involved in a child custody case. One is criminal - the prosecutor - and one is civil (custody). Something here doesn't make sense.

He has an Attorney - that Attorney knows the law in your area, the situation, your brother's rights and is the best person to answer your questions. Everything else (without more info) is simply guessing on my part.

If the child is being abused - and it would appear she is - call Child Welfare. It's your duty to protect the child.

Your brother's beautiful country home vs her small apartment and his double her income have little to do with what is best for the child in the eyes of the Court.

He chose her to have a child with and if he's now unhappy the best thing he can do is go to the hearing, prove her unfit and get legal custody. In the meantime advise your brother not to sign anything.

And in the meantime - I read it again and don't understand the prosecutor's involvement.

I suspect things are not as bad as you are feeling they are. Probably, if you talked to the mother, you would get a story of her worrying about the safety of her baby while she is with your brother, perhaps because she has the impression he is too casual about the baby's well being. Even if she is mistaken, the best thing he can do is to cooperate with the mother's rules. None of them sound very bad to me. For example, babies younger than 6 months do not need solid food, so it was reasonable for her to ask your brother to just give the baby a bottle. A doctor can determine if the baby is a healthy weight. I asssume your brother is making sure the mother has enough money to pay for well baby visits, vaccinations, and other healt care for the baby.

As far as the scratches on her face, it's common, even normal, for infants to scratch themselves with their own fingernails and it may be the baby needed her fingernails cut. This is difficult to do with very small babies and has to be done regularly because the nails grow fast. If the mother was at work a lot and your brother was afraid to try, the baby would end up with scratches. These are not dangerous.

It's great that your brother adores his daughter and is eager to help care for her. Since he gets to spend long periods with her, he should enjoy that time when he is not working and do his best to make the mother's life easy when the baby is with her. The best thing he can do is stop contesting the custody and use some of his wealth to pay child support so that the mother isn't so economically stressed -- which will vastly relieve her other problems and make it easier for her to be a good parent and a willing co-parent. When the mother is not worried about losing her baby, and your brother shows respect for her requests on how to care for the baby, I'm sure the mother will become calmer. Everyone will benefit --especially the baby-- and, in the long run, if the brother continues to be supportive of his baby and her mother,he will end up seeing more of the child. And the child he sees will be a happier one than if he pursues custody regardless of all else. The luxuriousness of his house compared to the mother's does not make her an unfit parent.

You haven't said anything that makes the mother sound unfit, I think, just really stressed by her interactions with your brother. You can help the baby best by encouraging your brother to cooperate with his ex, not by encouraging him to sue for custody, which is always hard on both the parents and the children. I hope you'll put your energy into helping your brother put the baby's needs first, instead of thinking about his sad emotions when he has to let the baby go back to her mother.
Good luck!
Asking

Wow, to answer your question to the best of my ability, which is really simply based on my own experience, I would suggest to your brother to either get an attorney or if one is not affordable get or use the self help at your county courthouse. Letting them know immediately what his desires are is important. Timing is essential. Establish a routine for the child. It's important the he begin proper child support/child custody proceedings. The will most likely award joint legal custody, but dependent on the mother's life, if it's that bad he still may only have joint physical custody. Have everything documented through the courts. His initiation will show his intentions are genuine.
Your brother sounds like a wonderful person with a lot to give. However, everybody needs their mother. Think of it this way... the fight to take her from her mother will no doubt leave a very deep scare. Even the very worst of crack heads still have their children. (I'm not saying that is right)

They will have to learn to share. Your brother will have to document the issues, but behave in a rational manner and only bring issues to the court that are true issues. Getting upset that she is dirty when she comes home is not an issue, it's a matter of opinion and there are always too sides to stories. Best bet is to safe the alarm for the real fires, so to speak. Document, document, document.

Secondly, but almost more importantly. Please please please stay neutral. Whether she is six months now or 16 yrs later your opinion of her mother will hurt her. She will forever be your nieces mother. People get hurt and tell stories and sling mud. Even if it is the truth it is important to focus on what is best for that baby and that is having respect for her mother. If you don't respect her try to figure out a way to appreciate what she has given you and that is that beautiful gift of life!

Maybe, just maybe you can befriend her. You never know her and your brother could end up back together again. Careful and good luck

[QUOTE=herewegoagainmn]Wow, to answer your question to the best of my ability, which is really simply based on my own experience, I would suggest to your brother to either get an attorney or if one is not affordable get or use the self help at your county courthouse. Letting them know immediately what his desires are is important. Timing is essential. Establish a routine for the child. It's important the he begin proper child support/child custody proceedings. The will most likely award joint legal custody, but dependent on the mother's life, if it's that bad he still may only have joint physical custody. Have everything documented through the courts. His initiation will show his intentions are genuine.
Your brother sounds like a wonderful person with a lot to give. However, everybody needs their mother. Think of it this way... the fight to take her from her mother will no doubt leave a very deep scare. Even the very worst of crack heads still have their children. (I'm not saying that is right)

He already has an Attorney; he already has a custody proceeding under way.

[QUOTE=herewegoagainmn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Good for him. Then he is on the right track. you however are not. Concentrate on the issue and answering the questions for people. Why do you feel that it is your duty to point your energy or questions at me. You are no doubt a very unhappy lady, that either needs to get laid or paid. either way get you some business.

You've been angry with me since you posted personal info and I realized I am aware of your situation - from the other side - and asked that my posts be pulled for that reason.

Take a deep breath and try to regain your composure.

[QUOTE=JudyKayTee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by herewegoagainmn

You've been angry with me since you posted personal info and I realized I am aware of your situation - from the other side - and asked that my posts be pulled for that reason.

Take a deep breath and try to regain your composure.

I'm not angry with you that would require me caring about you and that I don't do. I just find it disturbing that instead of concentrating on the issues you bring forth such a lite of negativity and that you are more condescending and rude to the people that asks questions or respond to the questions that are asked rather than being helpful. What is your point?

I am not sure why the prosecuting attorney was involve at all... sounded strange to us. And my brother does have an attorney, wants no less than joint custody. He also did not start feeding her any type of baby food until the mother started to feed her baby food, which was just over the last couple of weeks. She is intentional trying to make things difficult, he isn't he is only doing what he feels is best for the baby, and has done everything for mother and baby since the day they found out they were pregnant and he pays a very hefty child support so being a part of her life is what is best for the baby, not being fazed out and being told if and when he can spend time with her and what he can or cannot do when he has his daughter. The mother is more about using this situation to hurt my brother... we have know her for close to 10 years, so we know how controlling she is. She can be very manipulative.

... and for every issue that you just stated it is important that he stay on track with going through the court system. If he is unsure what is happening or why it is happening with the process that she has started, he and or his attorney should look into what the next step would be sooner than later. Custody battles can get wicked, which is why it is important to stay th course with the court and stay rational. I think that everyone here has made valid points that you can follow. One thing to remember, is that if there are things you don't understand, like the involvement of a prosecutor, and your brother is unable to clear them up for you and help you to understand, there maybe more to the story?

Is it possible that you are referring to the county attorney or child support enforcement officer that represents her in court as the prosecutor? Or did your brother and she have some ort of other legal issue?

Furthermore, if you avoid feeding in to the negative attention that she is looking for, she may settle down. Advice your brother not to battle with her, for now take what he can get and follow the process through with the court. When he was denied full custody and the date was reset. It was to give the court the time to evaluate the situation and they will more than likely come back and award him joint legal and physical custody. No worries.

There was no other legal issues, the first time he met with anyone was when he and the mother met to meet with the person who represented herself as a prosecuting attorney. When he told us about this, I knew something was "fishy" with this prosecuting attorney or who she told my brother she was. I just want my brother to be happy again instead of sad about missing time with his daughter, and from knowing both of the parents, I know she would be better off with my brother or at least having the opportunity to spend his share of time with her, I am afraid of situations that the mother could put herself back into and the danger it may put my niece in, and these are the same concerns my brother has. There has been an incident already where they met up at local restaurant so that my brother could pick the baby up from the mother after he put the baby in his car the mother left drove around the corner and then went into a bar, knowing that in just a few short hours she would have the baby home with here... this to my brother worries that she endangers the child's well being if she is intoxicated while the baby is in her care. But can he verbally use incidents like this in court this month? Can he use his verbal testimony to what he has witnessed or does he need some type of documented proof only? Such as pictures or witnesses?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AuntieT

There was no other legal issues, the first time he met with anyone was when he and the mother met to meet with the person who represented herself as a prosecuting attorney. When he told us about this, I knew something was "fishy" with this prosecuting attorney or who she told my brother she was. I just want my brother to be happy again instead of sad about missing time with his daughter, and from knowing both of the parents, I know she would be better off with my brother or atleast having the opportunity to spend his share of time with her, I am afraid of situations that the mother could put herself back into and the danger it may put my niece in, and these are the same concerns my brother has. There has been an incident already where they met up at local restaurant so that my brother could pick the baby up from the mother after he put the baby in his car the mother left drove around the corner and then went into a bar, knowing that in just a few short hours she would have the baby home with here... this to my brother worries that she endangers the child's well being if she is intoxicated while the baby is in her care. But can he verbally use incidents like this in court this month? Can he use his verbal testimony to what he has witnessed or does he need some type of documented proof only? Such as pictures or witnesses?

She'll tell her version, he'll tell his. Photos and witnesses never hurt - if this is routine, if he has knowledge she's intoxicated and caring for the child, hire an investigator to get some info, possibly some photos. But keep in mind unless she's a danger to the child it isn't going to make a difference.

If the person who handed the papers to your brother misrepresented herself - and I'm guessing she notarized his signature(s) so he has her name and he can easily find out if she is or is not a prosecuting attorney - the papers are void. It'll be an argument but I believe they were signed based on a material misrepresentation.

Also a Court employee - if she is some type of Social Services Attorney - should not be representing the child's mother to the detriment of the father.

I think your Attorney has to do some digging here.

Hopefully your right, he is the only one that speaks with her, she makes no contact with the rest of the family... so we definitely do not project any negativity, we only tell him that things will work out and that he can fight until he is satisfied, to what is best for the baby and his relationship with her. He is an amazing daddy and truly does not fuel her fire in anyway, he simple says OK, he in not about conflict, but she continues to push it and push it as if she wants him to fight with her. He only wants to handle it legally, he is a very honest and gentle guy and walks away from the fights.

It truly sounds as such and right is right. He should keeping fighting for what is right and he will in deed get some justice. I wish you all the best. Would it hurt to reach out to her? I think a writer a couple posts back suggested getting involved with her might help settling her negativity down? Just a thought?

Thanks for all your helpful advise... glad to talk to someone outside of the situation... I will pass the word along!

[QUOTE=JudyKayTee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by herewegoagainmn

You've been angry with me since you posted personal info and I realized I am aware of your situation - from the other side - and asked that my posts be pulled for that reason.

Take a deep breath and try to regain your composure.

( quote herewegoagainmn ):
I'm not angry with you that would require me caring about you and that I don't do. I just find it disturbing that instead of concentrating on the issues you bring forth such a lite of negativity and that you are more condescending and rude to the people that asks questions or respond to the questions that are asked rather than being helpful. What is your point? ( end quote )

Im not sure where all this is coming from but I have the upmost respect for judykaytee and find most of her answers helpful to the many that come to this board. We can all get the answers we want and we all have different back grounds for our answers but she has been consistent and informative for as long as I have been here. We all get flustered on occasion but JudyKayTee always tries to do her level best and sometimes when being told the truth it looks negative when in fact its simply the truth. I myself see no reason for anyone to question her motives or her answers to OP's questions.