Last Saturday I asked my boyfriend of four turbulent years to move out. I've finally forced myself to do it since it was apparent he was never going to get over his fear of commitment and I want a family at some point. He knew this and had always said we "would" get married, but after four years and not even a plan for the future, I had to finally cut my losses.
Now my question is: why do I want him back so much it's hard to breath? I know he's bad for me and my future, but I still love him and want him. Is it because I can't have him?

You want him back because you have invested four years of your life to this one man.

I don't blame you.

I don't know why your saying you can't have him because you can. Remember, you broke it off, not him.

Beautifulbrunette- you don't know what you are talking about. Trust me she made the right move. I know a girl who waited 8 years for a guy to marry her. Guess what? They ended up breaking up becaues he wouldn't marry her and he married someone else 6 months after breaking up! Guess he wasn't so afraid of getting married! If he loved her, he would have married her. The problem is you want what you can't have and that ends up making people stay in bad relationships for long periods. I know all about that (me staying in a bad relationship). He stayed around out of COMFORT. Good move for you, squeaks77! Such powerful logic over emotion leaves me in awe.

It is not that you want what you can't have but that as beautifulB said you invested 4 years with him and you must of cared very much for him. Even women who leave abusive guys miss them very much for sometimes a very long time.
If he isn't even trying to get back with you then I would say workedtoohard may be absolutely right.

God, I'm in almost the same situation... and its driving me crazy. Your heart and your head want 2 different things. I can't figure out which one to listen to either. I don't want to have any regrets either way so I've been in limbo for the past 2 week. I'm having one last conversation with my ex this weekend... so we'll see how that goes.

Its so hard to overcome an emotional investment, especially when you thought it was going to last and fulfill your dreams. But realising you weren't going in the same direcytion you had the strength to end it. Good for you. You still have to deal with the emotional fallout, as 4 years is a big investment. Its not a matter of wanting what you can't have, you just wanted more than he was willing to give.

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Originally Posted by workedtoohard

beautifulbrunette- you don't know what you are talking about. Trust me she made the right move. I know a girl who waited 8 years for a guy to marry her. Guess what? They ended up breaking up becaues he wouldn't marry her and he married someone else 6 months after breaking up! Guess he wasn't so afraid of getting married! If he loved her, he would have married her. The problem is you want what you can't have and that ends up making people stay in bad relationships for long periods of time. I know all about that (me staying in a bad relationship). He stayed around out of COMFORT. Good move for you, squeaks77! Such powerful logic over emotion leaves me in awe.

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I don't know what I'm talking about? I think you misread what I wrote. I NEVER said she didn't make the right move. She asked 'Why do we want what we can't have?' I was stating that she was the one who broke it off, so who's says she can't have the guy?

How do you know this guy was staying around for comfort? He could've really loved her, but didn't want to fully commit yet, which is understandable for young men. A lot of women like the idea of settling down with the 'right one.' Now to a lot of men, that is scary. You shoud research 'psychology on men and women,' and then 'men and commitment.'

We don't know if this guy will go and marry the next woman he falls in love with in three months, so don't assume that just because a man won't get down on his knees and propose right away, doesn't mean that he's only looking for something better. BUT 8 years is quit a long time though. It was probably like they were married but didn't have the ring and certificate, right?

To the OP, whatever you think is best for you, then go for it! Remember that men and women have very different views when it comes to marriage. Do you think that you were possibly pressuring him? I know 4 years seems like a long time and it is to be with someone, but unless you know for sure, 100%, that he wasn't going to marry you, then yes you are wasting your time. Something tells me that you weren't 100% sure though.

Thanks for all your responses. I should have mentioned I'm 29 and he's 34, so it's not like we're just out of high school :-)

OHHH...

Then that changes A LOT!

I thought maybe you guys were both in your mid 20s, but NOOO. I would think by now that this guy would want to settle down. For crying out loud he's almost 40!

Never mind what I said before (above) because that is more for younger people like 20-25

I am torn here.. On one hand I think you made a good decision. You defined where you wanted the relationship to go. You obviously loved/love him very much.

I wonder though, if you truly love someone and they have an apparent fear of something. Commitment being one of them. Did you try to seek council? What are the steps you took to take the relationship to the next level?

I only ask because I have seen girls who are mad because their significant other won't take the next step. What did they do to help the process. Nothing... Just sat there for years waiting for them to make a move. People are creatures of habits and take comfort in habitual behavior.

If you truly love him and he truly loves you, do everything in your power to make it work. If he loves you the same, he will reciprocate those feelings and actions. If he doesn't then he has defined the relationship as clearly as you did when you left him.

Of course there is a lot to the story I left out just to simplify things. He knew when we got together that my goal was marriage and children and he said his goals were the same. Then over time he starts telling me of his problem with committing (afraid of divorce even though his parents have been married for 30 years. . But that's a whole different story). I kept checking with him while trying not to nag him about "but you want to marry me right?" and he said that he did and wanted a family. He's just one of those personalities that says "oh it will happen sometime" but won't make any concrete plans. I probably could have forced him to marry me, but who wants that? I do feel that I did all that I could to make it work, and I am slowly feeling better about the whole situation.

If he has told you that he wanted to marry you then why didn't you wait?

Was 4 years to long for you?

Exactly. He was all talk and no walk which shows he is infantile, passive aggressive. Some men do the same things and their girlfriends are left childless for life, because they waited too long. Also the fear of losing you should have compelled him to marriage :).

This seems more and more like a power play?

Smoked, do you mean that she is the one trying to over power him?

I kind of think that as well.

But we don't know both sides...

My thoughts here are this:

If you love someone, they love you back and you both apparently have similar goals on what that relationship should be, then one of you breaks it off because they don't feel that the relationship is going the direction they want it. Well, my first reaction was maybe they didn't know what one or the other wanted. Maybe I am reading into this more then I should, but sounds to me like he was voicing concerns that he had regarding his fears for their relationship. That doesn't imply he didn't want it to progress, actually to voice the concerns would imply just the opposite.

Sqeuaks , you left him because "I've finally forced myself to do it since it was apparent he was never going to get over his fear of commitment and I want a family at some point", I guess I am wondering more to the point. Did you kick him out so that he would get serious (more so)? Because if you really love him, he sounds like he really loves you, then why wouldn't you just see what happened?

Or, is it that you have such a desire to be married and start a family that your making this decision?. I throw out some other scenarios because I just get a feeling there is more to "your" story then your are relaying.

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Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

If he has told you that he wanted to marry you then why didn't you wait?

Was 4 years to long for you?

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Four years wouldn't have been too long had there been some sort of progress. I've thought about it a ton this week of course, and I don't think it's just me. I don't ever see him married, or not until his mother passes away. His mother keeps a tight grip on him and has never approved of any of his girlfriends.
I still miss him painfully and want him with me, but I do know it's better this way. If he had said, "No, I don't want to move out. I want to marry you." my resolve would have crumbled.

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Originally Posted by Smoked

Or, is it that you have such a desire to be married and start a family that your making this decision?

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I'm ready to move on in my life (marriage/children) and I haven't heard a peep from him since Monday.

He broke NC yesterday to tell me he missed me :-(

That is a good question. This one hits quite close to home, so here's what I think:

He is going to miss you of course and not agree with your decision because I'm sure he does love you. You really have to sit back and look at the situation and think with your head and not your heart. Do you think he has the ability to change himself? A fear of commitment, especially at the age of 34, is a major, major hurdle to deal with. You might love him tremendously, but if he can't give himself to you, you aren't meant to be. When it gets to a point when you are upset and miserable more often than you are happy, it is time to make a change, whether your heart wants to.

Now I don't know the guy - maybe he will change for the better and things will work well between you, but I don't personally believe that a guy who is afraid of commitment or marriage is worth a second chance - and this is coming from a guy. Sure he might change for the time being and he might turn into the exact man you are looking for, but how long will that last? A change on that drastic of a scale is typically going to be temporary and last as long as he fears losing you. When he is comfortable again, it is back to the daily grind. You shouldn't spend your time on someone that has to change something major about himself to conform to being with you. You should go find someone that wants to give himself to you fully from the get go.

Good luck - I'm sure this is very hard for you. It is hard to listen to your head over your heart sometimes and I hope everything works out for you one way or the other.