Recently I find that boyfriend has been calling the chat from going through his things. I found out through his bank records and it caught my eye because I saw the charges that said tel message and immeditely I knew it was not good. While I was at his house I went through his phone and saw the message sent to another girl and called the number,she stated she meet him from the chatline and he told her he was single. I confronted him about the call and he denied knowing the person at first but later admitted he did. Should I forgive him. He stated just called because he was bored at home one night and could not reach me so he called the chatline so I ask him by would you tell them you was single and exchange numbers? No answer! Next I ask why would you hurt me?He stated he was sorry and will not call again I want to believe him but is unsure. He starting crying when I told him I would leave him. This He claims he love me and we been together for 1yr. I was planning on moving near him since we live 30 miles apart. My main problem is that he claiming 2 b single and can spend money for a line and not me. I always spend my money on him paying 4 things, and us to go out and that why it hurts so much.Right now I don't know if I should stay or go!

Don't know?

Id hold back on that move.

Maybe he was bored... but I'm bored from time to time and connecting to another person and telling them you are single just isn't the first thing I think of... even if he's just role playing, its showing reckless behavior and little regard for you.

Best case scenario is that he's willing to lie to you about who he talks to and what he says. Worst case of course is that he's just biding time until his boredom takes him elsewhere.

So now you are left not trusting him and feeling hurt.

Id back off a bit and see how hard he is willing to chase you down and win you back. I know, you don't want to lose him, but you don't even know what you have now, right? Is he the same guy you thought he was with just a dumb little fetish or is it more...

It could be as simple as he was bored or as bad as he plays you at his convenience. Unfortunately, only he knows the answer.

You posted your question at 2:28, then bumped it for attention at 2:37. Hmm...

You're quite the little task master, aren't you? Before I comment on him, you need to stop. I mean STOP. Look in the mirror and figure out - just how hard do you make things on the people around you? How much of your interaction with family, friends and the b/f involves them defending themselves to you?

Don't answer here, it doesn't matter. Just be honest with yourself. You sound pretty intense and we've all known people like that... and hated it. So, if you're one of "those" girls... stop. Learn some restraint, then practice practice practice. 'Nuff said.

An old playwright once wrote: "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies". Simplistic, but insightful. Your boyfriend is straying. You knew that already. Then you asked questions, most likely angrily, accusingly, and pushed into a corner unexpectedly, he fought back. He lied. Then hedged... then came clean.

And of course, the task master in you continued to pressure him and threatened to leave him, so you made him cry. You happy yet? No? You're prefectly capable of making him miserable over this, so go for it if that's your goal.

If your goal is communication, you have to try a different tack. Instead of grilling him while he's down, instead of cornering him, how about asking him about how you two are doing? How about not threatening and suggesting instead? "Maybe we should take a break." I don't know, it's clear you're more invested than he is, and you don't CHASE a guy into interest in you, you draw him towards you by being coy and aloof and not so "always available". Tough spot to be in.

And stop going through his stuff. Seriously! You're JUST a g/f. You don't own him in any way. If he is contemplating breaking it off with you, what YOU are doing is the behavior that will make that to come true even faster.

I would like to make it clear I don't go through things without him knowing I do with it with his permission. I see him bank records because I balance his check book because he don't know how enough throug I shown him. I help him budget his money and was the one to make him get a bank to help him spend his money right. With my help his credit rating went up because all his outstanding bills are paid, with his money, because I am a good finanical advisor. He gave me the pin to his voicemail and he have mines because in the past he thought I was cheating on him. I go through his phone because he goes mine. He does not like me having male friends because in the past his ex g/f cheating on him with her friend. I am still unsure if I want to be with him but I see how I feel in a few weeks but he ask my forgiviness everday. I barely know how 2 use this system because I just joined. I like 2 thank people for answering my question and if you have a question just ask.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of work here...

My wife was naturally better at managing money when I met her. She was the single mother of a child and had absolutely no room for financial errors. So... glad you have this together. If this makes you a "task master" good for you. People who can write down goals and knockem down find success.

But if you are running his financial show, maybe you are too much of a mommy to the guy? Each partner brings unique things to the relationship, but at some point I hope he learns how to be financially intelligent.

And using the bank account that your girlfriend manages to call chat lines isn't just financially dumb, its just dumb.

Is he a lost cause? I don't know. Do you want to work that hard? Up to you. At some point you need to feel like he's doing some heavy lifting too... comfort of being with someone you know and have spent time on isn't reason enough to stay.

As I said before... maybe he was just role playing. But itd be nice if hed do that with you, right? Has he left you a nice note in your car? Sent flowers at an unexpected time? Planned a night out without you knowing? Is he chasing you the way he was when you met?

We all get in ruts and we all do dumb things sometimes. Maybe its not such a big deal. Maybe its just the tip of the problem.

I would guess that since he doesn't have a problem with you going through his phone, finances and personal stuff he really doesn't have anything to hide. IF he were blowing money left and right on other girls or anything sneaky you most likely would have caught that by now. Maybe he just got bored and stupid one night. So I would just trust him until I knew for sure.
If you like the area where you were planning to move and wouldn't mind living there even if you were to break up with him then why not just go for it and see where it goes. Not like you are moving in with him or anything like that.

If you love him give him another chance, but if he messes up again leave him for good.

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Originally Posted by liz28

Recently I find that boyfriend has been calling the chat from going through his things. I found out through his bank records and it caught my eye because i saw the charges that said tel msg and immeditely i knew it was not good. While I was at his house I went through his phone and saw the message sent to another girl and called the number,she stated she meet him from the chatline and he told her he was single. I confronted him about the call and he denied knowing the person at first but later admitted he did. Should I forgive him. He stated just called because he was bored at home one night and could not reach me so he called the chatline so I ask him by would you tell them you was single and exchange numbers? No answer! Next I ask why would you hurt me?He stated he was sorry and will not call again I want to believe him but is unsure. He starting crying when I told him I would leave him. this He claims he love me and we been together for 1yr. I was planning on moving near him since we live 30 miles apart. My main problem is that he claiming 2 b single and can spend money 4 a line and not me. I always spend my money on him paying 4 things, and us to go out and that why it hurts so much.Right now i dont know if i should stay or go!!

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Liz,

I want you to ponder on this quotation - “He that will cheat at play, will cheat you any way”... I guess you have to learn how to forgive but you also have to be open with the possibility that once a person or partner have cheated on you, chances are, he will repeat the same thing over and over again... I've experienced being in the same boat as yours and I guess, moving on and letting myself forego the hurt was the ultimate thing that set me free from the deception... being deceived by the person whom you least expect to betray you, is very painful and haunting... unless, you truly would want to indulge with his infidelity and accept him despite his flaws... the decision is all up to you my dear...

Don't lose hope,, there are still lots of men in the planet...
PS
Men are not and will never be the sole motivation for women to live life to the fullest... be happy and keep moving!

After reviewing the whole matter with my b/f calling the line, and talking with the girl he exchanged # with, I decided to leave him alone. I feel the conversation he had with her was for a single man to have and it was disrespectfull towards me. Even though I love him I love myself me ana does not want to a part of that because he will do it again just next time be more cautious so he won't get caught I even change my #s to cut off contact with because I got sick of him calling asking me to forgive him. The only thing now he calls my mom and tries to get her involve but he better stop before my moms calls the cops 4 harassment or my brother beats him up, which every comes first.

In closing, I thought I would feel sad, depress, and even rethink my decision and give him another chance but I don't feel neither, and actually is happy with choice because I love myself mor than anyone and knows what I will and will not take from a guy because I am strong women that sticks and stand by my decision. I have no problem finding guy and that I have date and that's all I looking to get into maybe relationship will happen down the road but not now. I am going enjoy myself and date some guys and continue on being honest.

Can't decide what's right for you, but I am glad you aren't playing the victim.

You had a decision to make, you thought it out, and you acted. Didn't play the "poor me" card. Some will say you acted harshly. Some will agree with your overall assessment of the relationship. All I know is you didn't play the victim in the end, and however it turns out in the long run, being active in controlling your own life is almost always better than letting the tide take you wherever it goes, even if along the way you make some wrong decisions from time to time. Its called being mortal.

Don't believe nothing he says.its their excuse. It never changes, it gets them off. My boyfriend did it behind my back for years. He never stopped just learned how to hide it better. I read what you say and I think of what I used to hear and all the excuses. Save yourself. If he really loved you, wanted to be with you and was attracted to you, if you gave him what he needed or really wanted, he wouldn't risk hurting you or your relationship. Good luck. Get out while you can. These types of guys NEVER CHANGE