Hi, I'm Kate. I have read a lot of posts on the topic of boyfriends, sex, and porn, but I haven't found one that really fits my situation. Your advice and ideas are appreciated.

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together almost a year. He is a fantastic man in many ways, we have a fun relationship and we are in love and communicate openly and often and rarely disagree... except when it comes to sex.

Basically, before I met him, I really did not like sex, as my relationships were never that great. But, with this man sex is fantastic... Now, I want it all the time. We used to go at it like rabbits, but now we don't have the opportunity. We live 45 minutes apart, and see each other on the weekends, and maybe a few times during the week. So, when together I want him even more. But I am often left disappointed because he isn't in the mood. He says he can't just 'turn on' like I do. He says he doesn't have as strong a libido as I do, and that he doesn't believe sex is as important a part of our relationship as I do, so when I initiate it or come on to him frequently, he says he feels too pressured. We are down to once a week maybe. He says that all the other parts of our relationship are more important than sex. I am really trying to understand his perspective and have tried to back off, but I am frustrated.

Compounding the problem is that he also has a very difficult time achieving orgasm during sex or even with just foreplay, which he stresses out over a lot. I don't know if it is a physical problem or a mental block, and he is not too hyped on going to a doctor to find out. While he always satisfies me when we have sex, I don't think that orgasm has to be the ultimate goal... I like the intimacy and all the other parts of sex just as much. I enjoy just being close to him. But, since he doesn't climax he says he doesn't want to go through the motions.

Yet, he has a LOAD of porn on his computer. I understand that guys are visual and need to release and whatever. He says he has the porn for when I'm not around... he doesn't look at it in my presence (he did this ONCE and it really hurt my feelings as I walked in on him jerking off to a website, and then we didn't even have sex)... but it bothers me because it seems that he would rather jerk off to the Suicide Girls or some pantiless pic than be with me. And, I am not hard to look at. He's told me that he masturbates almost every day. He says I am overreacting and making a bigger issue out of this than is substantiated. He says he is attracted to me sexually, and loves me and that I am putting too much emphasis on our sexual relationship and letting this effect myself esteem too much.

Essentially, I am upset because he masturbates often and pleases himself with the porn, but then says he doesn't want to have actual sex or even fool around with me because he doesn't have the sexual drive that I do. Am I irrational to be upset? Should I just let this go? Am I just being overanalytical?

Im not going to touch on the bigger issue of pleasing himself when he could be pleased by you.
But on the one small point of him not climaxing. If he didn't masturbate everyday day, it would be much easier for you to make him climax. As most young men 'practice' as to not be so quick. It seems like he is pushing you out of that part of his life. I would guess there is a much bigger issue her.

By the way I have absolutely no qualifications to merit this response, but alas here it is anyway.

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Originally Posted by twoscompany

Hi, I'm Kate. I have read a lot of posts on the topic of boyfriends, sex, and porn, but I haven't found one that really fits my situation. Your advice and ideas are appreciated.

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together almost a year. He is a fantastic man in many ways, we have a fun relationship and we are in love and communicate openly and often and rarely disagree...except when it comes to sex.

Basically, before I met him, I really did not like sex, as my relationships were never that great. But, with this man sex is fantastic...Now, I want it all the time. We used to go at it like rabbits, but now we don't have the opportunity. We live 45 minutes apart, and see each other on the weekends, and maybe a few times during the week. So, when together I want him even more. But I am often left disappointed because he isn't in the mood. He says he can't just 'turn on' like I do. He says he doesn't have as strong a libido as I do, and that he doesn't believe sex is as important a part of our relationship as I do, so when I initiate it or come on to him frequently, he says he feels too pressured. We are down to once a week maybe. He says that all the other parts of our relationship are more important than sex. I am really trying to understand his perspective and have tried to back off, but I am frustrated.

Compounding the problem is that he also has a very difficult time achieving orgasm during sex or even with just foreplay, which he stresses out over a lot. I don't know if it is a physical problem or a mental block, and he is not too hyped on going to a doctor to find out. While he always satisfies me when we have sex, I don't think that orgasm has to be the ultimate goal...I like the intimacy and all the other parts of sex just as much. I enjoy just being close to him. But, since he doesn't climax he says he doesn't want to go through the motions.

Yet, he has a LOAD of porn on his computer. I understand that guys are visual and need to release and whatever. He says he has the porn for when I'm not around...he doesn't look at it in my presence (he did this ONCE and it really hurt my feelings as I walked in on him jerking off to a website, and then we didn't even have sex)....but it bothers me because it seems that he would rather jerk off to the Suicide Girls or some pantiless pic than be with me. And, I am not hard to look at. He's told me that he masturbates almost every day. He says I am overreacting and making a bigger issue out of this than is substantiated. He says he is attracted to me sexually, and loves me and that I am putting too much emphasis on our sexual relationship and letting this effect my self esteem too much.

Essentially, I am upset because he masturbates often and pleases himself with the porn, but then says he doesn't want to have actual sex or even fool around with me because he doesn't have the sexual drive that I do. Am I irrational to be upset? Should I just let this go? Am I just being overanalytical?

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Either all these problems are symptomatic of each other or there's a larger underlying issue. You are not being over-analytical and you have a right to be confused and concerned. Maybe this is something to be investigated with a counselor or physician. Sorry I can't be more help but this sounds frustrating.

Too much self love. It takes a while to rebuild the supply.

My opinion is I have no problem with my partner getting herself off as long as we are reasonably active in the bedroom and that connection isn't suffering emotionally or physically. Same in reverse from my side.

He's becoming desensitized. It's a problem in the bedroom, so it's a problem.

At the very least, if he isn't able to sustain an erection, or if he isn't interested in sex, id hope he at least is willing to give you oral. That alone won't complete the connection you get from intercourse... but at least its something to maybe keep you from being so pent up.

So... I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that my wife wouldn't put up with this from me, no matter how good of a man I was otherwise. Sex isn't all there is to a relationship, but an orgasm isn't all there is to making love. Its about sensual connection and intimacy, and hopefully that big orgasm to boot.

So short answer is he's being a selfish, neglectful snot who is likely to become more and more sexually distant in the future. If he's having ED issues now, they'll only compound as he gets older, the relationship isn't shiny and new anymore, and he continues to use porn and his hand as his preferred means of getting off.

Yuck to that.

Its one thing if the other partner cannot perform. If they have the desire but not the ability. Its another when the partner just doesn't give a damn.

Thank you everyone. I don't know how I am going to handle this just yet, but I appreciate all your help.

May I suggest a quiet non confrontational conversation.

I had a very similar experience. My ex-boyfriend is 2 years younger than me (I'm 29) and we were together for 5 years. In the first couple of months we had sex all the time, and then he stopped having sex with me altogether and masturbated instead. And then I discovered he was horribly addicted to porn. We even lived together which made it inexcusable. Talked to him gently, didn't work. Suggested therapy (couples) didn't work. Gave him an ultimatum, he chose porn. We broke up and he got individual therapy. Got back together and he had some "relapses". Finally, after 5 years I've had it. He has not made any effort to give me what I need, and I discovered more porn on his computer. If this is something that will continue to bother you, you should get out now. People never change. Go find a guy who will treat you right, love you AND fcuk your brains out!

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kp2171 agrees: while I disagree... people can change, they just need to want it badly themselves... you have a lot of valid points. In the end, it is a choice. Thanks for the personal imput.

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Input. Not imput. Stoopid fingers.

I'm not a moron all the time. This is where my wife says "youre not??"

Is it Friday yet?

I feel for you, my ex boyfriend for over two years was into porn, a lot. I never dated someone who was into it. It became a problem with us, and finally he took it all off his computer. At the end when we wasn't paying attention to me emotionally was unavailable, he told me he looked at porn again. I thought I was enough for him, so why look at that stuff. I didn't quite understand. He became withdrawn towards me and I was always inititating sex. We did break up, and today he is with someone else...

We had another fight about it last night. To be honest and fair, I drank too much wine and absolutely picked a fight. Even worse, this happened at a dinner party. We yelled and screamed and he said he wanted to go home. At home, we yelled and screamed some more, and now I feel like an a**hole. He says that he can't be with me because I have low self esteem and that I push him and embarrass him and that I ruin everything. He won't forgive me. I'm pretty sure that I deserve it, too. I really cannot pinpoint why the porn bothers me. I'm getting my feelings hurt over websites. It seems so dumb. I just don't know why I can't just let it go.

The alcohol doesn't help, but it is a depressant, and will get you in trouble with inappropriate dumb behavior.
The worse point is it solves nothing.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The alcohol doesn't help, but it is a depressant, and will get you in trouble with inappropriate dumb behavior.
The worse point is it solves nothing.

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I know. I made a fool of myself. I'll have to apologize to my friends when I see them at work tomorrow. As far as my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I have said I'm sorry to him a million times. Apologizing isn't good enough. He called me a F---king B----c. He says he is never going to stop looking at porn, and that I just have to accept that about him. I believe that this is a double standard. He expects me to change, but he doesn't have to do anything. I know that I'm difficult, and that I am an emotional fighter, but he isn't perfect either. I also want this relationship to work. We rarely fight, but when we do it is ugly like last night and then he holds a grudge and gives me the silent treatment while I grovel. At this point, I want to talk about it, and it is killing me that I have to wait for him to be ready. I sound really co-dependent right now... I guess if I can just be OK with his porn watching and the other issue in our relationship (which is an entirely other topic) then our relationship really won't have any damage. But that isn't realistic, and it isn't fair to me, I don't think. Sorry to ramble... I just need to share.

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Twoscompany, I know. I made a fool of myself.

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We all do at times, forgive yourself.

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I'll have to apologize to my friends when I see them at work tomorrow.

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Done that a few times, see your not alone, but its humiliating.

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As far as my boyfriend. I don't know what to do.

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Of course not, because he isn't helping which is all he has to do.

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I have said I'm sorry to him a million times. Apologizing isn't good enough. He called me a F---king B----c. He says he is never going to stop looking at porn, and that I just have to accept that about him.

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You made him mad, and we know how people will say anything when they are mad.

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I believe that this is a double standard. He expects me to change, but he doesn't have to do anything.

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You may be right, the jury is still out on that, but your there and I'm not.

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I know that I'm difficult, and that I am an emotional fighter, but he isn't perfect either. I also want this relationship to work. We rarely fight, but when we do it is ugly like last night and then he holds a grudge and gives me the silent treatment while I grovel.

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Don't grovel, why should you? Just let the emotional dust settle. You also could use some boundaries of behavior from you both,

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At this point, I want to talk about it, and it is killing me that I have to wait for him to be ready.

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Your impatient, I suspect, as what good is it to talk with someone when they are upset? You are still upset yourself, so how productive can a conversation between two upset, mad, and frustrated people be?

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I sound really co-dependent right now...

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No you don't you sound upset, frustrated and tired.

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I guess if I can just be OK with his porn watching and the other issue in our relationship (which is an entirely other topic) then our relationship really won't have any damage.

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I disagree as until you work together to resolve your issues, they will always be there like a wedge between you.

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But that isn't realistic, and it isn't fair to me, I don't think.

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Its not fair to either of you.

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Sorry to ramble... I just need to share.

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We call it venting and that is a good healthy thing to do.

You need a break from each other, as this is not a very cohesive relationship as its plain to see that sex or the lack thereof is but a symptom of a larger issue. Take a long break. Come back fresh and rested.

Being honest this guy has problems. I completely understand why yourself esteem is bothered by this. I mean who would want a sexual relationship with their own hand when they have someone who is willing. Are you sure he's not Gay? Because by what your saying it sounds like you'd pounce at any available possibility and most men would be absolutely thrilled to be in his position.

Whatever his problem is you're going to have to confront him about it. Even if you already have.

Or

You could make him want you like you want him.

He's obviously got issues. In that department anyway.

P.S. I didn't mean I think you're a tart in any way by the 'Pounce' comment and I hope you work this out.

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Originally Posted by twoscompany

Hi, I'm Kate. I have read a lot of posts on the topic of boyfriends, sex, and porn, but I haven't found one that really fits my situation. Your advice and ideas are appreciated.

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together almost a year. He is a fantastic man in many ways, we have a fun relationship and we are in love and communicate openly and often and rarely disagree...except when it comes to sex.

Basically, before I met him, I really did not like sex, as my relationships were never that great. But, with this man sex is fantastic...Now, I want it all the time. We used to go at it like rabbits, but now we don't have the opportunity. We live 45 minutes apart, and see each other on the weekends, and maybe a few times during the week. So, when together I want him even more. But I am often left disappointed because he isn't in the mood. He says he can't just 'turn on' like I do. He says he doesn't have as strong a libido as I do, and that he doesn't believe sex is as important a part of our relationship as I do, so when I initiate it or come on to him frequently, he says he feels too pressured. We are down to once a week maybe. He says that all the other parts of our relationship are more important than sex. I am really trying to understand his perspective and have tried to back off, but I am frustrated.

Compounding the problem is that he also has a very difficult time achieving orgasm during sex or even with just foreplay, which he stresses out over a lot. I don't know if it is a physical problem or a mental block, and he is not too hyped on going to a doctor to find out. While he always satisfies me when we have sex, I don't think that orgasm has to be the ultimate goal...I like the intimacy and all the other parts of sex just as much. I enjoy just being close to him. But, since he doesn't climax he says he doesn't want to go through the motions.

Yet, he has a LOAD of porn on his computer. I understand that guys are visual and need to release and whatever. He says he has the porn for when I'm not around...he doesn't look at it in my presence (he did this ONCE and it really hurt my feelings as I walked in on him jerking off to a website, and then we didn't even have sex)....but it bothers me because it seems that he would rather jerk off to the Suicide Girls or some pantiless pic than be with me. And, I am not hard to look at. He's told me that he masturbates almost every day. He says I am overreacting and making a bigger issue out of this than is substantiated. He says he is attracted to me sexually, and loves me and that I am putting too much emphasis on our sexual relationship and letting this effect my self esteem too much.

Essentially, I am upset because he masturbates often and pleases himself with the porn, but then says he doesn't want to have actual sex or even fool around with me because he doesn't have the sexual drive that I do. Am I irrational to be upset? Should I just let this go? Am I just being overanalytical?

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he is right sex is not the most important part of a relationship. But if he watches porn and jacks off during it then he shouldn't have this much of a problem with having sex with you. And if he doesn't have the sexual drive it is probably because he watches that stuff and masturbates. It would be easier to make him climax if he didn't do that as much. But don't pressure him because that isn't good for a healthy relationship. I hope I helped. =]

Today was horrible. We talked and talked and talked and now we are not talking. He said that he doesn't trust me, that whenever I bring up this issue, it is like a betrayal. I told him that from my perspective, porn is a betrayal. He said he wanted to break up. He said he didn't want to break up. He said that it hurts him that I have a self image issue. He said he needs time to think. I'm dying inside.

To put things into better context, I had a close relationship with bulimia for about 13 years. I'm doing better with that behavior, but I still struggle with my body. Even if he tells me I look great, there is a voice in me that comes out saying I'm not. As a result, I stuff all those insecurities inside until some inappropriate moment and then pick a fight. It usually happens when we are drinking. I have ruined many nights with this same old script. Tony has given me an ultimatum that if I don't fix my thinking he won't stay in the relationship. I agree, but I think we both need fixing.

On a side note, our other issue is about dogs. Yes, dogs. I have two dogs that I love immensely and he hates them. I will have to get rid of my dogs if Tony and I move in together or even if I simply sell my house and move to something smaller. Anyway, when he bad mouths my dogs, it feels like he is criticizing me: they are unruly, misbehaved, they dig, they bark, he even calls my dogs a**holes. I hear these things as criticisms me.
So, the porn and the dogs are taboo topics. I don't think we should have taboo topics: that means there is unresolved anger. I feel like I'm willing to make sacrifices for him, but he is not willing to do the same for me. He said that I'm sacrificing our relationship and that is a sacrifice.

Now, we are taking a break from speaking to each other for a few days but I am certain, and scared to death, that when the break is over he is going to end the relationship. I know in this post he sounds terrible, but aside from these two issues, Tony is amazing. I'm the jerk. I'm the one with the issues. He says he deserves better and that he can't be with me when I'm "like this" because he can't be a boyfriend and a counselor. He did say that, if we don't break up, he'll go to talk to a counselor with me. I asked him if our love is conditional, because that is what it sounds like.

He gave me a sort of "promise" ring for Valentines day. He has one too, which he left at my house when he left today. Is this a sign? Why am I so afraid that he's going to leave me? Why am I being so pathetic? I wasn't even like this in high school.

I'm going to walk away from this for a bit because he's pi$$ing me off and I don't want to rant too much.

Short answer for now... yes, you can control how you behave, but he seems to be a PRO at blame shifting. Notice how EVERYTHING has been turned into your issue, your problem, your fault.

Even when I'm 100% convinced I am "right" and my partner is completely off base... any problem that we have is shared. It is ours. Not mine. Not hers. Ours.

He's doing a great job of manipulation. Add that to my earlier assessment of your situation. Nothing has changed other than he's now defensive and a jerk who can't own a problem that is his.

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He did say that, if we don't break up, he'll go to talk to a counselor with me.

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That sounds like a darn good idea, as your both driving each other crazy, since you can't deal with each others issue, and on top of that, you have your own problems, individually. A professional is the way to go.

I suggest keeping the dogs... getting rid of his @ss and getting counseling for yourself if he chooses let him get some for his porn issues, abusive issues and control issues.

You get rid of your dogs for this man I bet you will be getting rid of things for him for the rest of your relationship.

I betcha if you stop and think about it he probably is more manipulating that what you realize. Think about it do you mostly watch what he wants to watch on t.v.. Do you all go where he want to go, eat at the places he wants, mostly hang out with his friends or does he prefer to keep his friends to himself.

You take this time and think about what type of relationship you really have and just how much are you willing to change and how much more are you givnig right now than he is.

My take on you needing to change for him is.. if he can't love you as you are and be happy with you then what in the hell did he want with you in the first place.

Did you trick him all of these months/year showing him one thing but really being someone else and now you can't hide it any longer so the real you is coming out.
I suspect that you were true to who you are and he is the one that has made the leap from what he initially showed you to what he is showing you now.

As far as you raisning hell the tension was probably so thick you could cut it with a knife and your nerves couldn't take it and you exploded. So now he's pouting and putting you in your place to show you that he is incontrol once again.
Yep you had better think this one over real good. I don't think he is quite the catch he has fooled you into believing he is.