Ask Me Help Desk - Advice needed!

OK one day pretty much out of nowhere my girlfriend of about 2 1/2 years called for a break. I found out that on that same night she was a party got drunk and had sex with another man. I was willing to forgive her for this and try and build on our relationship. She still wants a break. For the past couple days I've been so emotionally confused I can't eat. When I sleep I dream about me and her. We are only 19 and she wants to see what else is out their. My feeling is that we are meant for each other and I don't want to lose what we have. I have already made the mistake of letting my emotional rollercoaster bother her over and over and over, peeling for her love.( mistake I know). I do still want her back, but does anyone have any advice for me?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but sometimes the only way to know if you are really meant for someone is to let them go. She wants to move on and explore other possibilities and you need to allow her to do so. Don't constantly call her or try and get her attention. Let her do what she needs to do. If it's meant to be, it will be. But who knows.. maybe she was just a stepping stone to your ultimate happiness.

Do me a favor and think back to a time that you would have sworn was the worst day of your life. Now take time to realize you are still here, still living and breathing. I wish you the best of luck and please feel free to drop me a line anytime to let me know how things are going.

<3 Leslie

I agree with all of that. Would it be wise to wait a couple weeks and if she doesn't try contacting me should I try contacting her

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we are only 19 and she wants to see what else is out their. My feeling is that we are meant for each other and I don't want to lose what we have. I

Sounds to me like you have already lost it. She wants one thing, and you want another. My advice for you is to accept she is gone, and heal, and move on. Click on the links in my signature, for some good ideas about what to do when you get dumped. Sorry for your loss.

Everyone in love at some point has said those words... "we were meant for each other"... and then had that relationship crash and burn.

I'm not marginalizing your relationship... just stating the truth. Most of us lose a few big loves along the way. Usually we wouldn't be with that person and in deep love if we didn't think they were meant for us.

Some perspective. My first big love was from HS, through college.. seven years total. I knew the girl in ways I've never known anyone else. The connection was unbelievable. That said, the relationship ran its course. It was right for a time, but not right for forever. No relationship after was the same. None are supposed to be.

I'm not sorry I lost her, and another love, and another love... eventually I found my wife. That's no big relief for you, sitting where you are, wanting to be with the girl you thought you had, I know.

I'm afraid you are too invested in the relationship and not yourself. Not saying that you don't sometimes do the hard work it takes to forgive, but I think younger people sometimes act as butlers too much... too willing to bend and tolerate bad treatment because of pride in the relationship.

She wants a break. Usually this means it is done. Some can reconcile, most don't. At the very least she wants time away.

My suggestion is please do NOT be at her beck and call. Don't be her buddy, her shoulder.

You want her back right? Well the only way she's going to know if she needs you is to be without you. If she comes back the work isn't done... she has to prove to you that whatever was broken no longer is broken. If she doesn't come back, you know she changed and that past relationship no longer fits what she wants.

Sometimes people wander, again especially when young, because they have opportunity to explore new people and relationships. Sure a relationship is comfortable, but sometimes that's not enough. Not justifying her sleeping with the other guy... just saying she might be acting on a strong urge not to be tied down to the responsibilities that come with a relationship.

So... in the meantime you just put one foot in front of the other. I've been where you are and it sucks. Bad. And it sucks for a time. It isn't gone in a week. Takes forever for her to get out of your head. I was in the next relationship, sometime down the line, and id still think about her. Its natural, normal, and it sucks.

Eventually it doesn't suck.

So... you cannot make her do anything... can't make her want you back... can't make her stay... you can only take care of yourself, and start by understanding you are not dating and it isn't your responsibility to "be there" for her.

If she wants space, she needs to feel what it is really, really like. Being her butler while helping her get over you isn't in your best interest.

Wow that helped a lot.. in a way, you broght insite to the truth and knowledge of the situation but I still feel the same

That's why we have stickies, to guide you through the healing process, and save a lot of typing.

UPDATE*
Well we talked a bit and decided we would date. About 3 dates later she decided that she's still unsure about us. So unfortiantly that brought the heartbreak all over again

Time to walk away. I have been exactly where you are.

Do what you want. I chose to waste a year or so going back and forth until I finally bought a clue. Luckily (?) for me by that time I was so pi$$ed that walking away wasn't hard. Sure the nights were long and dark for way too long... but if id have walked away the first time the mind games really started, id have been over her in a third of the time.

At some point you choose not to throw yourself under the boot that's about to step on you.

Its not your fault. Just don't choose to let it happen over and over. I think she really wants to know she still "has you", even if she isn't being mean about it... its comforting to think your ex is pining for you... a little twisted, but comforting still... but at this point, she is acting solely in her best interests...

If she gets together with you, its out of her interests, not yours. She's her number one. Time for you to do the same thing and make yourself your priority... and that means believing that your happiness is not dependent on her and her alone.

Sure, itd be easier if it were dependent on her and she wanted to be with you... but she's not that special and you aren't that picky.. out of several billion people she's not The One. She is one.

Sounds easy to say, but I believe it. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my wife can find another guy who she can share her life with. May not happen fast. Might be a long struggle. Might not. But its too easy to think all your happiness ties into that other person you've focused on.

Just not true.

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jamimama agrees: great advice. Out of curiosity, how long did it take for you to really feel over that long-term high school and beyond relationship you mention?

Much too long. Id say I was pretty shaken up for 6 months, and lonely for over a year, but part of that was just the situation I was in. we broke up just when I was out of college and all my friends were dispersing. Then tag on the fact that I didn't seem to have any luck finding another girl I was interested in... then when I did finally find someone, there were actually three girls who showed interest and whom I was attracted to. Life is just wacked like that sometimes. Bust then boom, I guess.

So about a year to a year and a half later I was dating again. But some of that was I needed a break. As much as I hated being without her, it was good to work through some of the noise. And good to be mad at her.

Now... it still took time to work her out of my system. While I'm not a fan of jumping into a relationship too soon after a breakup, I also think had I dated sooner, id have dealt with some of the baggage sooner and worked through what another relationship could be. As it was, the anger got me through the day, but nights still sucked. So the girl was in my head for some time... at least the hurt of how she treated me and what she did in the end was. I can't tell you how long it took to stop thinking "i wonder how she is", even when I didn't care to see her. Too long.

But the good news is it can be worked through. The end of a long, close relationship is a lot like the death of a loved one. You can go through all the same stages. The difference is, when a loved one dies the pain eases in time but the person is always missing. When a relationship ends, the pain eases in time, and you find new relationhips that fulfill you.

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Originally Posted by classicrocker

UPDATE*
well we talked a bit and decided we would date. about 3 dates later she decided that shes still unsure about us. so unfortiantly that brought the heartbreak all over again

Sweetie, time to get off the emotional roller coaster.

In their essence, relationships are a roller coaster of daily happenings, daily ups and downs... but when it becomes a roller coaster of "yes, lets date", "umm.. I don't think so", and "I love you, but lets be friends"... that's not a "healthy" roller coaster... She's using you.

I wish you luck and a swift healing of your heart.

I am going to tell you what I tell everyone else that is young and trying to be in a really serious relationship... DON'T DO IT!! Give yourself a chance to meet a lot of people. The more that you undestand about people, the beeter equipped you are when you are ready to finally settle down. We all change. I am 55 now and my ideals are a lot different than they were when I was 20, 30 , and even 40. I made two serious mistakes early in life and married people that I thought "were the right one". Give yourself a chance to grow emotionally and GOOD LUCK!!

Thanks Kp2171. And everyone. I think what kills me is the fact that the comfort of her and our love is gone and knowing its going to take time to find that same ideals again is what's hurting me. Knowing that all the time I placed in her and the relationship was dumped.

Do you want to get monkey-barred? Do you know what that means? If not, let me elaborate. Have you ever noticed how monkeys swinging from trees will never let go from the branch their holding on to until they see another in sight? Well, that's what will happen to you if you continue forgiving her and trying to make things work. I totally agree with
Kp2171 that the relationship is over. Move on and start healing. Figuaratively speaking, as the branch you want to break off the tree and let her find some other means to get around without you.

Thanks I'm going to try to put all this great advice to work

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Originally Posted by classicrocker

thanks im gonna try to put all this great advice to work

Just remember that you CAN do this. You CAN get through it. It will hurt. But you will make it.

(Check out Rascal Flatts song Stand... it's a great one.)