We’ve been married for 10 years. We have 3 beautiful kids.

We met at a company we both worked at. Initially, I wasn’t fully attracted to my now wife and I guess you could say we really didn’t have a typical courtship.

I pretty much was very hesitant to commitment and basically was just telling her we were friends…when we were doing things more than friends would do. (I/we were young.)

She never gave up on pursuing me and I eventually realized what a special person she was (fortunately). I discovered how attractive she was more on the inside than the outside, and we had a lot in common.

But, I don’t think I ever truly made her feel as special/attractive as she was/is…I don’t think she truly understands or has gotten over our initial courtship and my lack of physical attraction to her. Although she became more physically attractive to me as the years have gone by as my love for her has also grown over the years.

I did ask her to marry me on September 6, 1997 and she said Yes, fortunately.

We have had, what I think, has been a ‘good’ marriage. Looking back, though, I think we both are realizing that maybe we never really established that true, deep-down connection, although I think we had that early in our marriage.

During our early marriage working lives I may have not understood how to truly communicate (with her) and to be able to fully express my emotions/feelings. And we are both competitive and I think sometimes we didn’t want to feel like the other was getting more than the other…competing with each other. We’ve had our share of arguments, as all do, but we generally get over them.

We did go through the birth of 3 children and of course 3 children, any children, have a significant impact on a marriage. As I feel ours have. We can tend to pay more attention to kids than we do our spouses, and that can hurt the marriage.

As of recently my wife has begun spending more time to herself, reading books, and spending a lot of time working. She also has a new male co-worker friend she communicates with quite a bit…they’re very similar people, both very smart and competitive. She’s had other male coworker friends before, too…she generally doesn’t get and maintain female friends very well…as I would say she’s not your typical female. Very into sports and male type things.

But, with this latest male coworker, I’m becoming fairly jealous of the time she spends with him/work, but I’m trying to deal with it best I can. I know she’s faithful and there’s no reason for my jealousy…I think the jealousy is more of wanting her time/communication for me, to regain this deeper level of communication/intimacy.

Anyway, I guess my main point I’m trying to get at is I/we’ve realized things aren’t as good as they should be. My wife feels she has this wall up against me where she is not able to open up to me…she can’t give me an intimate kiss.

She can’t explain why…I think a lot of it goes back to our early courtship and the lack of physical attraction…and she’s mentioned that before.

I have fully realized the seriousness of this and I’m scrambling trying to do what I can. I’ve read a lot of stuff (Susie & Otto Collins) and I think I’m becoming better able to communicate my feelings/emotions, and I’m trying to do this with my wife, but at the same time try not to overwhelm her. But I/we also am not really seeing a whole lot of change in regards to getting this deeper level of connection/intimacy. We know it will take time.

I really want her to open up and to knock this wall down…I want an intimate kiss from her.

We do talk quite a bit about this…but we sometimes just seem to go in circles…we have our peaks and valleys.

Can you point me to some information or let me know what you think we should do? Any advice/help?

Hopeful writes: "I think I'm becoming better able to communicate my feelings/emotions, and I'm trying to do this with my wife, but at the same time try not to overwhelm her."

Just my opinion, but my guess is that you have overwhelmed her. If so, back off, way off.

I'm married for almost 16 years and currently experiencing the same marital problems such as yours. My husband and I have very different worlds, he being an engineer and I being into the arts. We don't have common interests and we seldom talk about things that would rouse commonality - except those that concern the kids... I sometimes attribute the differences with the age disparity - he's almost ten years my senior. Being the person affected with the situation, I tried to discuss the matter with him. I tried to tell him how good it would be talking about some common interests, apart from the kids' issues of course.

Attacking the issue is quite very sensitive because the more you indulge with it, the more you create barriers. Most of the time, our spouses, who are experiencing disillusionment in the marriage, need attention. My husband wasn't the one being disillusioned, it was I. I felt it was hopeless settling the matter straight. He was very uncooperative, at first . He was so skeptical about the whole idea of disillusionment, thinking that it was just a product of my being so sensitive. This is sometimes the antecedent of a bigger issue. When one spouse pretend that the marriage is still in its proper perspective, when in fact, it's no longer the same as before.

When my husband felt that my attention for him was drifting away and that it was already, almost deviated to someone else,he felt threatened and insecure. My husband tried to lure me back. He showered me with exaggerated attention, that I felt was useless.

We spent a one-month out-of-the-country holiday last year, away from the kids. We tried to rekindle the long-lost flame and passion. But the fire is no longer there. It has been five years since the disillusionment started and we dillydallied troubleshooting the problem. I'm trying hard to put the fire aglow, once more and I just hope, in time, we will bring back the broken pieces and start anew. Only God knows.

Wow I can tell the deep love you have for your wife and that is a great base to work off.

I would think your "jealous" feelings are stemming from the state your marriage is currently in. It breeds insecurities, which is understandable.

You wrote so beautifully, and I got the fact that you love her, and a women hearing that you want " An intimate kiss" , said in a loving way, is enough to give chills. (good ones)

Since, when you both talk about this, you go around in circles, get a pen and paper out (not fancy paper, just could old white paper) and put these feelings down, and she can read it in her quiet moments.

Be positive. I would not go back to when you were not attracted to her. Leave that part out, as that was then and that sadly will once again, be all she would get from the letter.

Reflect on all the reasons you love her, and be sure and share that part about the intimate kiss.

See how she reacts to that. It is something you both need to focus on together and be a main focus, as difficult as it is with 3 children.

If there isn't any improvement, or nothing coming from the letter to work on, then I would strongly recommend a marriage counciller.

As far as being "competitive" with your wife, the both of you are, well, I'm not a great advocate on that. Your partner is your best friend and competition is not a place for that.
But that's just me.

I wish you the best with it all. And don't let your thoughts go to the male friend... he has nothing to do with this.

I am hoping for the very best for the both of you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by George_1950

hopeful writes: "I think I’m becoming better able to communicate my feelings/emotions, and I’m trying to do this with my wife, but at the same time try not to overwhelm her."

Just my opinion, but my guess is that you have overwhelmed her. If so, back off, way off.

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Yes, I believe I have overwhelmed her... trying to communicate at times she doesn't want to... where she's too busy with her work. I am doing my best to back off from her, give her her space... but it's a little hard for me. (Whaa.)

We spent a one-month out-of-the-country holiday last year, away from the kids. We tried to rekindle the long-lost flame and passion. But the fire is no longer there. It has been five years since the disillusionment started and we dillydallied troubleshooting the problem. I'm trying hard to put the fire aglow, once more and I just hope, in time, we will bring back the broken pieces and start anew. Only God knows.[/QUOTE]


Wow. Your situation does sound very similar to mine. My wife is actually a software engineer... and I do software testing.
We spent a week in Aruba this past September, 07, for our 10-year anniversary. This was really before these recent problems have surfaced. We had what I would say was a good time.
I'm just going to try to do my best to give her her space and not try to force anything. I know we can have fun together... as we have a lot of common interests. I'm very hopeful. Hopefully we won't need a marriage counselor... but I think we're close at this point.

Please keep me posted as to your progress. Sounds like we are on common roads here. Hopefully we can both bring our marriages back to where they should be with very bright, LOVE'ing futures!

Respectful, pleasant, and humorous. And lots of space. Enjoy your time with the kids.

Reflect on all the reasons you love her, and be sure and share that part about the intimate kiss.

See how she reacts to that. It is something you both need to focus on together and be a main focus, as difficult as it is with 3 children.

If there isn't any improvement, or nothing coming from the letter to work on, then I would strongly recommend a marriage counciller.

As far as being "competitive" with your wife, the both of you are, well, I'm not a great advocate on that. Your partner is your best friend and competition is not a place for that.
But that's just me.

I wish you the best with it all. And don't let your thoughts go to the male friend... he has nothing to do with this.

I am hoping for the very best for the both of you.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your response. I'll definitely try the letter... although I've told her quite a few times why I love her... I think she just has a hard time understanding why based on our initial courtship (my lack of physical attraction.)
I've also told her I want that intimate kiss... she just can't right now... has that wall up. She is having a hard time being truly intimate with me. It hurts but I'm trying my best to give her her time/space. I just hope I can wait... I'm pretty sure I can considering the D-word is that last thing I ever want to go through. My wife is definitely consuming a lot of my thoughts these days... I feel almost like I did way back when we started seeing each other... when all you can think about is the person you are falling in love with. It's hard at times because I feel I'm becoming/or have been fairly 'needy' at times... craving her attention. But that just puts pressure on her... which also builds the wall/barrier.
I'm hopeful we can get through this and can get that wall knocked down so we can both be truly intimate with each other and establish that intimate connection.