Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend and Porn

My boyfriend of a year and a half confessed to me that he had looked at porn in the past before we were dating... and a few times since we started dating. You have to understand our relationship before you answer my questions. We are both Christians and have certain morals (not that you have to be Christian to have these morals), no sex before marriage, we read the Bible together, etc etc. We have always had a long distance relationship (I attend college a few hours away), and he told me he had done this when he hadn't seen me in a while. I'm talking to him about this tonight, and I am curious what questions you would have for your boyfriend if you had found out that he had been looking at pornography. I'm not looking at responses such as "get over it, every guy does it"... that is BS. I am looking for questions that can help me better understand why he did this, etc.

--- what you would say if it was your boyfriend

I Would Be Saying..

"Why Do You Do This."
"What Intenstion Do You Have From Doing This?"
"Am I Doing Something Wrong?"
"Will You Ever Stop?"

]Hope It Helped![

If he looked at it before you were together, NO questions, since that time is not your time with him and actually none of your business unless he wants to let you know, what he did before is off limits

Let me see you have been together about 18 months and he has looked at it a few times, if you mean he looked at it 3 times in 18 months I would say that men are more visual, and that depending his age often curious and in the end tempted with 100's of adds every day for it online, in stores and more.

Personally sorry you are making way to big of deal out of a few times in 18 months.

Yes it is my business, we are in an open and honest relationship. And obviously he wants me to know because he shared this with me. He made it perfectly clear that he feels ashamed about doing it, and doesn't want to.

I don't think I'm making a big deal about this. Porn should not be something that women have to accept that their boyfriends are looking at. Sure some women are fine with that, but not me.

I was not asking to be told that I was overreacting...

I know I'm coming from a perspective where my "morals" aren't the same, but 99% of guys look at porn. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but at least he was honest. It sucks but he seems like he's still a nice guy and maybe you can try to work around this. Otherwise, I can't be much help in the advice department.

Assuming he is young, 20's or even late teens, I would say that over a two year period looking at porn 2 or 3 times maybe, the rate is 99 percent and just not 100 because I am sure there are blind men who can't look at it.

I am not saying it is right to look at it, but young men are curious and if you are going to try and force him to change or try to make him so ashamed of it, you are only going to ruin your relationship. He trusted you to tell you something he did not have to, so it must have been bothering him, he confessed, so let it alone or you will only make things worst.

And sorry you don't like the advice you get, but trying to give the advice that will help your relationship, often people don't want to hear what is best for them

Why do you expect perfection out of him? Everybody compromises their own morals to some degree. That is the imperfection that is built into us by God. If we were all perfect we would be God. All people, no matter how morally they live their lives will fall short of the grace of God. Everybody sins. Everybody does things they're ashamed of. Everybody does things that will hurt others in their lives. This is why God sent Christ to die for us. He made mistakes. He will make a lot worse mistakes than this in his life. Christ teaches love and forgiveness. Forgive him. Pray for him if you wish. But let this be between him and God and don't judge him for his mistakes. He was open and honest with you about it. That shows he cares. You holding this against him, from a Christian point of view, is no better than him actually committing the act. Forgive him and leave it to God.

If all he did was visit a porn site once every 6 months then he would be considered a saint in most peoples books. I think you expect him to be perfect but you need to understand that nobody is perfect. Its not a big deal and your making it out like it is.

Oh, shame on him. He has succumbed to the devil's ways. He not only has defiled himself and the holy sanctity of all women, but at the same time his self indulgence has cast a shadow over your admiration of him and his godly nature.

I don't think you need to hang him on the cross for it. Pehaps memorizing a few bible verses and having the nuns slap his hands will suffice.

Say your prayers and go on with your life, and remember to judge not lest you be judged.

I don't recall any Sunday school lessons saying that people would not be tempted. The fact that he was, shows that he is human. That comes with all the desires for knowledge that have been around since man according to the bible.

If he has already told you of his past, what more can you question? You can accept him, past and all, or move on.

Wow, I don't think I should have come here at all for this. It seems all y'all are doing is judging me for the reaction I had. In no way am I judging him, or condemning him for what he did. The is no need for sarcastic remarks on that subject (oneguyinohio). I was just shocked as to why he felt the need to look at naked women. Men are visual people, but men also have brains. Brains that tell them what is right and what is wrong. Not that they don't stumble from time to time... we are all human we all made mistakes I don't know why I expected a bunch of strangers (on the internet no less) to understand our relationship and how it works.

"You holding this against him, from a Christian point of view, is no better than him actually committing the act. Forgive him and leave it to God." I don't have a "holier than thou" complex. God doesn't judge mistakes on a level of one to ten. Mistakes I made in the past, present, and future are all equally as bad as the one that he made.

I think the only person that understood my actual question was 'depressedhelp' and I appreciate that. I came here, confused... and just wondering what others would have done in my situation

I talked him about this, minus the "helpful tips" I received from the rest of you... and I think I've learned a valuable lesson from this.

-("And sorry you don't like the advice you get, but trying to give the advice that will help your relationship, often people don't want to hear what is best for them" )----I should not rely on strangers on the internet to help solve my problems.

-I need not get offended by judgmental /sarcastic comments because people are very willing to share opinions when there are no repercussions. But they are just that... opinions

-Some people believe that looking at porn is no big deal because they have different standards, and I respect that... but I don't respect the fact that I should have to put up with it... or get over it. Because I don't and I won't.

-Letting things alone is what makes relationships worse... not better

-I love my boyfriend more than ever for being completely honest with me about everything. Things were much worse than he initially told me. There will be trust issues for a while (and even if I do trust him completely there will always be a doubt in the back of my mind.) I will never understand completely why he felt the need to do this, but there is/never was any judgment on my part. Pardon my naivety, but I believe that he(with time), understanding how much hurt he caused me, won't do it anymore.

I don't expect that I will be coming back to this again, so say what you will, but know that I won't read it. For the rest of you that use this site for a primary source of advice... need to get off the computer and do things for themselves. I know I will from now on.

If he is serious about not doing it set up a 2 way monitor system. He sees what you look at on your computer you see his. The program is like 60 bucks. NOt bad. Also pray for him. AND pray together about this. It is very hard for a guy to stop on his own. He has reached out for your help. Encourage him and hold him accountable. Let him know...
Philipians 4:13, LUke1:37 God bless and I will be praying for both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nsa_ava

I came here, confused...and just wondering what others would have done in my situation.

Well you asked and you received. We may be just a "bunch of strangers on the internet" but we are real people also with different points of view. As many of us have said (since you asked) we would FORGIVE him. That is what many of our moral compasses tell us. As a Christian myself I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness. You wanted opinions, you got them. Not all of them will be what you want to hear. That's not how life works. I never accused you of having a holier than though complex, I just realise when we are angry or upset, we don't always see things objectively. You wanted outside points of veiw and you got them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nsa_ava

I will never understand completely why he felt the need to do this, but there is/never was any judgment on my part. Pardon my naivety, but I believe that he(with time), understanding how much hurt he caused me, wont do it anymore..

I know it can be hard to accept, but only he will ever know why he did it. He hurt you yes, but realise it wasn't his intention to hurt you. He wasn't being vendictive. He wasn't out to make you feel bad. He made a mistake, like everyone does, and he fessed up to it. Forgive him, pray, heal, and put it in the past where it belongs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nsa_ava

I don't expect that I will be coming back to this again, so say what you will, but know that I wont read it. For the rest of you that use this site for a primary source of advice...need to get off the computer and do things for themselves. I know I will from now on.

What I'm going to say now is judgemental and I'm sorry for that, but have some respect for others peoples opinions and grow up. You asked for the opinions. Don't throw stones just because you don't like what other people have to say.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You may not be reading this but I'm going to put it out here anyway. I thought particularly the parts about love "keeps no record of wrongs", "rejoices with the truth", and "always trusts" might be particularly helpful in your situation should you read this in your email notification or actually come back on here for some reason.

I am surprised by the amount of Christianity in the responses here... Didn't expect that. Maybe you'd find that posting this topic in a Christian forum rather than a relationship one may be interesting as well.

I believe you have a valid concern. Temptation is going to be every where & people aren't perfect but that doesn't mean that pretending that giving into temptation should be applauded either. He did confess to you, which is good. He says it was only a few times, which is good (& hopefully that is true).

Porn has a lot of downfalls to it & very few (if any) benefits but the opposite in fact & something much better avoided than embraced particularly for a Christian. I don't buy the men will men excuse as a valid one for using porn, neither should you. What he's done in the past is in the past, the issue is will it happen again & what the effect will be on you / your relationship. If your agreement with him includes no porn, then he shouldn't be doing it behind your back & lying about it whether he's a Christian.

He should be commended on his honesty to you & hopefully he will continue to be especially if he struggles with temptations or sins no matter of what kind.

There is a program that is very cheap that tracks what sites are visited on a computer that are sent to an accountability partner & may even have a porn filter at

Covenant Eyes

If he feels he may be tempted to seek porn out again, that's not a bad thing to put on the computer.

Lust creates a lot of problems even without any physical contact & porn is a detrimental way to enhance lust that is not particularly helpful to the relationship in a variety of ways but in fact can & does very easily hurt it. Now is a good time for you two to constructively discuss the issues of lust together & how to best handle it in your relationship because the seeds of it are all around & aren't going to go away even without porn being in the picture.

This would be a good book to read together:

Amazon.com: Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: Books