First time poster... Ive been seeing this guy for almost 3 years he's bery experienced and 3 years older than me (Im 19). We've lived together for a year and a half now and sometimes I worry that becasye we're in such close quarters that he is used to me, that is, we don't hve sex anymore, maybe three times a month and always with me initiating it. I hurts to have to beg and Im always humiliated when he rejects my advances. IF he does initiate, its on his terms an he always gets what he wants, even if its 3 am and we're both drunk. I love him more than I can express and I've spoken to him, told him I don't feel my sexual needs are being met and I KNOW he knows how embaressed I feel when he shuts me down, sometimes I even think he's boosting his self esteem by humiliating me like that, I hate that he holds the power in what is supposed to be a partnership. I'd like to say right now that leaving him is not an option, and he is not cheating nor is he gay, remember Ive been with him for a long time and I KNOW these things so don't even suggest them if you're truly trying to help. Lately Ive been trying to back off, let him come to me, maybe he needs space, chanelling all my frustration into working out and my education, which is healthy I guess? But this lack of affection is killing me. I know he loves me, he tells me often and we're amazing together, I don't want anyone else, but how does that song go again? "I want you to want me, I need you to need me and Im begging you to beg me" what girl doesn't want to be wanted right?

I think that you're absolutely right! You two have become accustomed to one another... it's one of those things that EVERY woman knows yet doesn't seem to put in to action very often. Men like a challenge and a change is probably in need in your relationship (wouldn't you get bored of the SAME thing every day?) Try a new hair do, be romantic, be kinky, make him feel like a king, try dressing up (costumes are always nice), most importantly show confidence ALL the time and make sure he knows that you love him (which it seems like you do). Try doing the things that turn him on at times when he'd never expect it but not when he's super busy with important stuff (say during a game, while he's watching TV, readings something... ) Anyway I wish you luck! I'm sure everything will work out fine. If all else fails take a vacation with some girlfriends (most of the time when a man's woman is away he realizes everything he's missed.. :) )

-Nikki


P.S. There are special stores, books, and places that help to spice up a sex life! Your relationship is so young you shouldn't be bored yet!

I don't want to come off as too hard here, but there is no reason to be living toghether.

I mean, you are young and your education and career and dreams should be WAY more important than how often some guy wants to have sex. TRUST ME, 10 years from now you will realize how young you were and how much more you have learned.

My advice is move out.

1. it will make him a lot more attentive in you (you can date him IF you want)
2. it will let you focus on yourself
3. you may meet a guy you spend all day wondering about
4. this guy may not deserve you right now

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by muffin1234

sometimes i even think hes boosting his self esteem by humiliating me like that, i hate that he holds the power in what is supposed to be a partnership. I'd like to say right now that leaving him is not an option.

---

PLEASE READ YOUR WORDS ABOVE:

"he's boosting his self-esteem by humiliating you."

"leaving him is not an option."


Do you have low self-esteem? A bad relationship with one or both of your parents?
You need to realize that this makes no sense... And there are people - myself included -
Who will be happy to help you. :)

First off I would like to address the cheating and gay issue. You can know someone like the back of your hand and one day they just change into a person you've never seen before. So, just to let you know, all things are possible.

Anyway, I don't think that's the case. You guys are just used to each other. You get to see each other everyday and every night. You no longer have your parent's restricting things or the chance they might walk in. Maybe he needs more of the daredevil sex. The spur-of-the-moment, anyone-can-walk-in, omg-they-might-see sex.

Also, sex should NEVER be used as leverage or os a sort of hold over someone else. If he is doing this confront him immediately and tell him that stuff doesn't fly.

most long term relationships have their sexual ruts.

that said, you get what you demand, and sometimes not even that.

having been through relationships of 7 years and 3 years that crashed and burned I understand the feeling of time spent = I can't leave.

its just not true.

its not fun. Its not easy.

but if you stay with someone you are sexually incompatible with, you accept it. You don't get to complain. If you ask and explain and he does nothing and you stay... you accept it.

I'm in an 10 year relationship, 8 years married. Most of the time I'm the aggressor... but during her prime times. She's tired at night and likes sex in the AM. I love night sex with lots of petting, but will take what I can get. When she snuggles her naked body next to me at 4AM and touches me with her hands I know what that means.

I always start the process, but she often gives a green light. If I push it without her giving the "ok" she knows I'm pent up and needing a fix.

so... its best if both can find ways to engage, even if one partner starts all the moves.

but here... when one partner routinely shoots down the other... its just not OK.

there are times when my partner or I might not be ready. It happens. But in your case... what's the best scenario?

that he doesn't want sex so much or that he wants the control over you?

neither is particularly healthy.

you are 19. Leaving him is an option. Trust me. I lost my first big love at 22 after 7 years of dating. It sucked. Big time.

but thank GOD it happened. After that I lost another two loves before meeting my wife. Each hurt like hell. Each wasn't quite right.

don't let the fear of being alone keep you in a relationship that's pretty good but not quite right. Sexual compatibility isn't all there is... but at your age, it's a lot to ask for you to be frustrated and pent up.

he needs to step up or you need to step away.

After reading the post written by kp2171 and others I feel like the issue's been fully addressed.

But, I didn't want to leave my 1st husband. I married him, thinking that that would fix his problems. He sounded so much like your boyfriend. I rarely got sex or cuddling, but it was always my fault... Everyone I complained to about it said to leave the guy. After being with him for 12 years, I finally left. Don't keep trying for 12 years! They only get worse as a rule.

Life is too short to hang around with someone with whom you are sexually inconpatable. Spice it up? That's playing his game. Dress up like someone, act like someone who excites him? That had better go both ways. As it is, he is using sex as a weapon. It's working, you feel "less than."

You want advise? Find someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you, that you can talk to about it. When you talk about your needs with someone who understands love, you can be honest without feeling like a bad person. The two of you may have a great relationship otherwise. Does he expect you to wash his clothes? Does he wash yours? Can you talk to him about such things without a fight? Life is long. Life with an a-hole is both long and miserable.

I would add to the other excellent answers.

"DRUNK SEX"... that is not sex at all!! If each of you aren't in your full mental and emotional capacity but are chemically altered to the max, you are not having sex, or intimacy, or pleasure... girl, you have to go to a *good* therapist and tell him/her your sad story of abuse.

There is so much in life to enjoy... you can make a choice and latch on to a positive life, and *positive, pleasurable sex*.

Id like to say here that is man I love is coming off like a monster... he's really great and we ARE sexually compatible the sex is AMAZING when we do it... I want to make it clear that I do not feel abused or exploited and that this is ONE ISSUE in an otherwise very healthy relationship in which we communicate and are able to relate better than most of the married couples we know... help me in this one aspect of my relationship, because I'm not walking away from something so special that just needs a tweaking.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by muffin1234

I hurt to have to beg and Im always humiliated when he rejects my advances.

he always gets what he wants, even if its 3 am and we're both drunk.

how embaressed i feel when he shuts me down,

hes boosting his self esteem by humiliating me like that

he holds the power

this lack of affection is killing me.

---

While I agree that it could be as simple as his drive is lower... after all a few times a month isn't the same as a few times a year... the above words are yours, are real, and can't just be explained away.

Its one thing to have sex less often than you want... but if you are begging and at his mercy just to get great sex... then you aren't ever really satiated fully.

If I wake my partner up at 3am from a deep sleep because I want to go down on her it isn't just about getting her off. Its also about showing her its all about her right then and there. And that's such a powerful thing mentally. Its not just erotic, its comforting, its connecting, its telling your partner that you care as much about their mental state as their physical.

So... that he's great in bed or that you click... its good. Through I have to wonder how much of that is just you are so amped for it.

So... no... he isn't a monster. He's an inconsiderate jerk when it comes to your emotional desire to be chased. It doesn't get any easier when you are married with kids in the house... if anything, you have to work harder then to have a healthy sex life.

Just don't neglect the power of the words you used to describe your feelings. Maybe you had a down moment. But neglect and humiliation and embarrassment are real feelings that aren't needed... all he needs to do is respond and sometimes initiate. OK. If it's that simple, what does it say about him that he won't to do... if not out of desire, at least out of respect and concern for your needs?