Ask Me Help Desk - Husband cheated

Husband cheated on me almost 3mths ago and just now telling me cause of the fact the woman he cheated with is pregnant and claims it could be his I don't know how to deal with this or know if he would cheat again? Help me I guess I need to add some more things to this story
My husband and I have been together over 9yrs and married right at 7yrs. We have two wonderful kids. I love my husband so much I don't know if I could have prevented this from happening because he was out of town working. I want to stay with him and I want this to work but I am just so scared.

Well, you need to decide what you want to do. Are you wanting to stay and try to work this out?

Dealing with an affair is a very difficult thing to do. If you stay, you have to put some faith in the person that betrayed you. It is so hard to do.

But, again, do you want advice on should you stay?

These are going to be the most difficult days ahead of you.. You will def need counseling for this situation.. However, you have a choice to forgive, or to take some time to think things over... It really depends on how much you are willing to work at it. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.. . It's even more difficult with the possibility of a child out of this ordeal.. You will def need counseling, no one can really tell you what to do, its how much your willing to take, how much your willing to forgive, how much your willing to compromise/sacrifice if that is even a possibility.. Most importantly you need to communicate with him... Did you have an idea that he was cheating? Was there a lot of miscommunication or distance in your marriage? A lot of things need to be answered to understand, and you need to talk about it, and I would highly recommend counseling, then from there you can decide what you should do..

Agree with the others... decide what you want to do... but take your time. It is easy to make rash decisions when you are angry and hurt. It may be that you will find the trust can be rebuilt... much of this will be up to your husband and how HE handles the situation. He may want to push it under the rug, thinking if you don't talk about it, it will smooth over and be forgotten. It won't happen. He needs to be open and honest with you, answer any questions you have, even if you need to ask them several times over the next few months. There is a fine line, however, of talking about it, dealing with it, and moving on... if wanted, and making him continue to pay for his crime by drilling him over and over. Some couples are able to work through it, often with help of a counselor, and find they are stronger on the other side.
You may find that you just can't find it in yourself to trust him again. You may forgive him, but that is not the same as trusting him... and that breaks the deal for many marriages. If you do decide it is not something you want to work on and save... get your ducks in a row and speak to a divorce lawyer first. Divorce has a way of causing people to behave in ways you wouldn't think they would... especially when money is involved... and children, if you have any.

How long have you been married? Are there any children involved, besides the unborn baby of the adulteress?

I want to be the voice of survival, for your marriage. You CAN survive this. In fact, you promised that you would try, that day on the altar when you said "I do". Since then you have, and can continue to do so.

The vow you took wasn't a list of things you would live with and things you wouldn't. It was a vow to stay and do the work and BE a family forever. So, your first best response is to your vows. If possible.

I absolutely know how hard that will be. And it will take time, but you married this man for a reason. So please consider cleaving to him now. Forgive him, but add the things you will need to insure (to both of you) that this won't happen again. It can't.

If he's truly sorry, he will not only accept the changes in the way you two monitor each other for a while, he will welcome them. If he doesn't, well, there you go, you know what's up, don't you?

You two can survive this, infidelity is only a fatal sin if YOU decide it is. But even if you forgive each other (I'm sure there's something in here you need to do better, too, right?) and keep plugging away, you MUST identify the things in your marriage that made this possible and eliminate them... or at least know them and be honest about their impact as you try and work on them.

Will he cheat again? Cheating isn't just sex, it's anything outside of marriage that steals your heart and reduces your marital bond. That could be sports, or shopping, or chocolate. ANYTHING could take that slot.

The cure is to be true officianados of EACH OTHER. Know what your man loves and is inspired by and be informed on THAT, even if it's something that bores you. Learn it anyway. Why not? He may just follow suit!

Get him to honestly describe the things in your life that A) made him open to cheating, and B) allowed him to follow through on those thoughts.

Then ask him how you can help him eliminate A) and B) answers in the future. And B) may be more important than you realize. If the opportunity is eliminated, the thoughts can be dealt with over longer time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

How long have you been married? are there any children involved, besides the unborn baby of the adulteress?

We have been together almost 9 yrs and married right at 7. we have two wonderful kids together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifeneedhlp

i want to stay with him and i want this to work but i am just so scared.

Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be, If you want this to work, then you work at it, sometimes our fear comes from us projecting the future, If you want it to work you have to take it day by day, It will rear it's ugly head now again, but when you feel that urge to lash out, take a breather, rethink, calm down, and proceed. You can be changed by what's happened to you but don't be reduced by it. Don't let fear of being happy cripple you from being happy.. Counseling can help..

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

Lewis B.

Moving past an affair is possible. It is a hard thing to do. But it can be done.

You need to do some soul searching right now. Dig deep and ask some hard questions.

Like, can you handle the baby and his/her mother? The other woman will now be in your life. Can you love this baby and not resent it for being a product of an affair? You will be its stepmom.
My husband had an affair, we are working it out. It has been a long road - that one out of hell - but we are making it.
But, his affair did not produce a child. I don't know if I could have handled that. Just thinking about the other woman as I write this makes me angry. So, I don't think I could do it.

So ask yourself, can you?
IF you think there is hope for your marriage or there is a desire to work things out - then try. Go to counseling - with all the emotional turmoil right now - you need it. Both of you.
Figure out what you can live with.

Good luck.