Let me start by saying that we are 100% sure that I am not the father.

I love my girlfriend very much.

But after 2 years she had a one night stand with an ex after we got into a fight and is now pregnant with his baby (And she no longer keeps contact with that ex). She says that she will never do it again and that she regrets it very much. She also knows that if it happens again I will leave without a second thought.

Now, my problem isn't that she cheated... it's that she's pregnant with his baby.
I could eventually move past the fact that she cheated on me.

But I have a lot of anger towards the child.
And I'm not sure how to get past that anger and think logically.

As I said I love her very much and don't want to leave her.
But I'm not sure how to move on from all of this and let go of the anger.



On a side note, I get people right and left saying "leave her, once a cheater always a cheater." I don't want to hear that. It just makes me doubt everything all over again. I made my choice to stay with her. All I need now is some advice on how to handle this.

If you want to stay with her then you have to learn to forgive.Forgeting isn't that easy.And with the child on the way that will be hard.Very hard.But if you are man enough to stay with her just remember it isn't the child's fault . It is possible to make it work it may not be easy but it may be worth it.

You need to ask yourself these questions:
- can you forgive your girlfriend
- can you trust her not to do it again
- can you allow this child to grow up most likely calling you dad.
- can you prevent yourself from entering into future arguments over the child
- are you willing to raise someone else's child as your own.

It will forever be an issue between you if you stay with her, its just how serious you see the issue and whether you can move past it or not. If you find yourself answering no, and knowing you cannot raise someone else's child as your own. It may be best to move on.

Hope this helps,
Louis.

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But I have a lot of anger towards the child.
And I'm not sure how to get past that anger and think logically.

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You aren't mad at the child, but are projecting your anger and resentment, on this child, who is innocent. Your really mad at your g/f for cheating and getting pregnant. Your also burying those feelings, and not acknowledging them, or getting them out so you can deal with them, constructively. You may need some help with that and should seek it whether it be a professional, or a lay person like a trusted older adult or spiritual confidant. Get a blood test to be sure, and end the assumptions, or misconceptions or lies, as there are many variables involved in paternity, and put to rest any questions. Do this for you, and the law, which comes into play later. Now is the time for some brutal, self honesty, so verify the truth.

Well I really feel for you... its take a lot of love to forgive someone of cheating and to stay with them, plus she is now pregnant so this child will always be a reminder of that to you. I think Tal was hitting it right when he said you are projecting your anger onto the child. Picture yourself when the baby is born, do you think you will hate him/her once he/she is real and so very innocent in the world? If you are going to stay with her and raise this child, do you think you will raise them differently than if it was your own? If you say yes to either of those, you may actually want to think twice about staying with her and raising this child... out of the child's best interest.

Have you discussed these feelings with your girlfriend? It may be hard to confess that you have this anger since you seemed to have worked things out between the two of you, but if this is left unsaid it may surface at a later and worse time.

You have to look within yourself and decide if you will take this child in as your own as part of your love for its mother. The child may be a product of cheating, but the child itself is still innocent in all of this and deserves to be loved equally.

Either way I wish you the best of luck

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Originally Posted by Skar

Let me start off by saying that we are 100% sure that I am not the father.

I love my gf very much.

But after 2 years she had a one night stand with an ex after we got into a fight and is now pregnant with his baby (And she no longer keeps contact with that ex). She says that she will never do it again and that she regrets it very much. She also knows that if it happens again I will leave without a second thought.

Now, my problem isn't that she cheated...it's that she's pregnant with his baby.
I could eventually move past the fact that she cheated on me.

But I have a lot of anger towards the child.
And I'm not sure how to get past that anger and think logically.

As I said I love her very much and don't want to leave her.
But I'm not sure how to move on from all of this and let go of the anger.



On a side note, I get people right and left saying "leave her, once a cheater always a cheater." I don't want to hear that. It just makes me doubt everything all over again. I made my choice to stay with her. All I need now is some advice on how to handle this.

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I just have a question. Where does your relationship stand with the child? Are you acting as the father since the ex is out of the picture now?

If you chose to stay with her, you chose to accept her past and her faults. If you can't do that, say goodbye.

If she can do it to you once, she can do it to you again.

Dump this baggage and find someone else who's willing to give you 100%.

-Sik

I think it's immensely mature of you to want to move on from this. Yes, it's very very hard to accept betrayal, and that you will be raising a child that isn't your own. However, you asked for how to handle this, so here are my thoughts:

This child is entirely innocent of any wrongdoing. This life is like fresh clay to be moulded into an excellent person, and YOU have the opportunity and responsibility as the only father this baby will ever know to do the very best job you possibly can.

I have two children who are not mine, and I love them so much I can't imagine life without them. My girlfriend has done some things that I truly truly resent but they are past and I can't change that. Either I accept, as you must do - and let them go, or I must state that I cannot and break things off. That is my choice to make. It is also yours.

If you have chosen to let this go, then you must do that - LET THIS GO! You can't hold it against her, especially against the child, now or at any point in the future. Forgiving her means not needing to reflect on this anymore.