I have been in a gay relationship with a female for three and one half years. My partner doesn't have any "drive" for sex. She is on antidepressants and has gone through menopause. She has gained about 45 pounds. She hates the way she looks, but doesn't seen to do anything about it . She doesn't put herself in any compromising position for sex. She no longer kisses me passionately. She says when she does, it turns me on, thus knowing this, she feels it hurts me because she doesn't have the drive for sex. She does not touch any part of my body that would result in arousal. But she comments on how sexy I look and how attractive I am. She says she loves me very much and feels that she that I will walk out of her life. I am in therapy trying to deal with this. I take it personally and feels that she is not attracted to me. She was sexually active prior to our meeting, but states it was on the way down when we met. It has been almost two years since we have made love.
I am asking why can't she just put herself in the position for love making, and see what happens?

Hi,
Being married, I can't relate specifically to your lifestyle, but all this points to what you have said in your question. It is a relationship between two people.

"She is on antidepressants and has gone through menopause. She has gained about 45 pounds. She hates the way she looks, but doesn't seen to do anything about it."
The above quote from your question would indicate that she has more issues now that she can handle at the present time, and sex is not on her mind at all. Does she want to go to therapy with you? You having therapy by yourself will, hopefully, help you, but it isn't going to help her unless she is there, too.
Two years is a long time without wanting to have sex, and unless something drastic changes, I don't see her wanting to change anything.
I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

Thank you for your input. When I have approached her about coming into counseling, she kind of side steps the issue. I do not want to put so much pressure on her. So I have stopped even attempting to turn her on. It is hard for me when she tells me how great I look. I get that info from my friends. I told her the only thing she can give me that no else can... is love making. I do feel like a roommate.

It may be a notorious side effect of the anti-depressants.
http://www.rxlist.com/rxboard/effexo...ames;read=3304

It's defintely the medication. Very common especially early on in taking medication. It ca ngo away after a few months.

I do think she needs to change ger medication though.

Ok, first the medication this can cause a person to have no drive for anything.

Next change of life, ask any married couples ( still more of them) and they will tell you about the same thing you will often hear about this reducing the sex drive ( not all the time, sometimes it goes the other way, but it can)

Over weight and does not like the way she looks, if a person is not happy with thierself, if they don't see thierself as "sexy" they will at times avoid having or wanting sex.

And life and a relationship has to be more than sex, one or either partner could get some illness ( and it appears she has) and one may not have sex for long periods of times ( years are possible) So the relationship has to be based on emotional caring and love,

So one has to forget or get over their physcial sexual needs for the emotional caring and love of the other partner.

This is merely part of being in a long term relatonshiop with another person, and while not a high percentage, you can be assured a large number( over all) of married people can go months or even years at times, because of all sorts of issues with no sex.

Instead of individual treatment perhaps you can get some joint treatment for relationship

Part of love is accepting what your partner is going through.As we age our bodies change and so do our minds its called GETTING OLDER.My wife and I are in our fifties so hot flashes and mood swings pop up at the most inconveniant times and medication can wreck havoc on a love life,what happened to love and understanding and sharing and caring,has it been replaced by a selfish need to just get your rocks off. I and my wife had to adjust to each others changes and if you really think about it its funny as hell,since I had to admit that super-stud was walking the dog and the chandeliar needed a bulb change.We had to find other ways to make love,have you tried pop-tarts and cocoa?:cool:

Thank you for your help. She has been on the medication for about 4 years. She has tried Wellbutrin. She began having mood changes, so decided to return to Effexor. I think she is going to try Lexapro.

Don't get me wrong. If I wasn't in love with her, I wouldn't be sticking around. And it isn't about getting "my rocks off"... The lack of sex drive started about 3 months after we met. She didn't tell me about the lack of drive until about a year ago. So I think I have been very patient and trying to understand what is going on with her.

My husband and I went down this road after he quit drinking and was diagnosed with depression in the end it was a simple change of medication. Anti-depressants are terrible because some time the wrong one can make matters worse. My husband lost his lust for everything, hunting fishing work home family everything. He was placed on his meds and every thing kind of got better but NO SEX for me, later changed meds again, ALL BETTER now. Hang in there it will get better. A lot of med will cause weight gain also.

Thank you for your input. What type of medication was he on initially, and what medication made it "ALL BETTER NOW"?

FR Chuck... Thanks. I think what bothers me is that she can go on and on about so-in-so and so-in-so is sexy looking, oh-la-la, great body,etc. etc. If one is does not have a sex drive, how can they be turned on about or even make statements about how attractive and sexy they look? She has told me that she doesn't even have thoughts sexually... It doesn't enter her mind.

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Originally Posted by lookingforanswers

Thank you for your input. What type of medication was he on initially, and what medication made it "ALL BETTER NOW"?

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Welbutrin, now on prozac. Limital as a mood stabilizer

Hello: I hope this may help you I am female 44 yrs. Old on EFFEXOR and I am going through the same situation with my boyfriend of 2 years. He wants to make love, however, though I love him, but l have no sex drive, he feels as though I don't want him or he does not turn me on. I am just tiered and occasionally feel like having sex but not often. I do have my own business and have stresses with that. I do believe it's the medication holding us back from wanting sex with our partners. I know there are several medicines that do not have these sexual side effects. SI am thinking of weening myself off the medication and/or switching to another medicine. I wish you well and good luck!:)