I am struggling and need advice…

7 years ago I met a great guy on a business trip. I will call him Mr. Charmer. There was something about him and we just clicked. He totally understood me, got my humor, and appeared to be my perfect compliment (emotionally, physically, sexually, etc). We were young and he had commitment issues so after a short courtship we went our separate ways, but every so often I would hear from Mr. Charmer and it was like things had no changed. We would just fall right back into comfortable conversation instantly, but our timing always seemed to be “off.” We could never get on the same page at the same time to make it work, although, we both wanted it to.

Flash forward 4 years after meeting Mr. Charmer. I called Mr. Charmer on a trip near his home to learn he had a new girlfriend. I was hurt (as always) and vowed to move on. Soon after, I met somebody new... he very different than Mr. Charmer. He was very educated, smart, responsible, and very willing to love me.

A year into dating my new somebody proposed. I agreed. We planned a year (+) engagement, but after some family issues, we married 3 months after the engagement. I have to admit, I hesitated moving the wedding up thinking about Mr. Charmer. I desperately wanted to tell him, but didn't. On the day of my wedding, I recall looking out the Church window hoping Mr. Charmer had found out about the wedding and would show up. I ended up marrying my new somebody.

We have been married for two years now and it's been rocky for most of the time. Marriage has not been easy at all.

I have to add that my husband is wonderful. He is very kind, giving, etc. He just isn't Mr. Charmer and I think about Mr. Charmer every day. I thought about leaving my husband many times for this reason. I contacted Mr. Charming in mid-2007 to talk. Everything fell into place as always and I knew I still loved him. I thought even harder about leaving my husband and on Christmas Day ('07) I called Mr. Charmer to share the news.

About three weeks later I heard from Mr. Charmer. He proposed to his girlfriend of 4 months on Christmas Day. Irony. And more so, he found out days before his call to me that she was pregnant. I don't drink, but that night I drank a bottle of wine from the tub… So, Mr. Charmer is now getting married in May and I am falling apart at the seems. He has advised he wishes I would have called on Christmas Eve – “things would have been different.”

We communicated for a couple months, but after the new fiancé found out, I decided to bow out to let everything fall into place with Mr. Charmer and the fiancé. He wanted to stay with her "for the baby." I am trying to keep my emotions from my husband, but it's hard. I know I still love my ex, but maybe my husband is (I know it sounds terrible) as good as it gets. He is a great guy and my best friend and I made a commitment to him. I know he would never hurt me and he has put up with a lot from me, but our marriage is just missing something.

Should I just shut the door on Mr. Charmer and refocus on my marriage or is this a sign that I need to move on?

So lost…

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I know he would never hurt me and he has put up with a lot from me, but our marriage is just missing something.

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Of course its missing something. You giving 100% of an effort to be a good wife, to a good husband, and being loyal to your best friend. Your letting this blast from your past, take away from making a good effort, on behalf of your own marriage, so what do you expect to get from a relationship, you have contributed so little to. You rushed into this, and made promises, and commitments, now honor them, and keep your word to have and hold, and put Mr. Charmer where he belongs, in the past. Or maybe you should start considering your husband as much as you do Mr, Charmer. You think that could make a difference? I really think your husband deserves better, so don't go getting pregnant, until you've figured out the right thing to do. That wouldn't be fair to your husband, or your child.
Doesn't the fact he rejected you, for his pregnant g/f tell you something about all the time you have wasted?

I agree and your husband is being unfairly compared to someone else from your past. I am just confused you say your husband is a great guy, your best friend, but... something is missing. I think something is missing in Mr. Charmer, sounds to me like he may not be such a treat, cause he's doing the same by marrying someone when he is telling you had you called day before things might different. I suggest marital counseling putting effort into improving relationship with husband.

Yeah, your relationship is missing something, for sure. YOU.

The day you married you promised to do things differently, to view life differently, to solve problems differently, to stop keeping things in and BE a wife. But you absolutely ignored every one of those promises.

Every moment you spend "pining" for an old flame that never really was, you twist the dagger in the heart of your marriage. The awesome, wonderful committed man at your side doesn't even know you are poisoning him.

And all of this because he made the mistake of falling in love, courting you, swearing allegiance, vowing eternal fidelity, and cleave forever to YOU in front of man and God. What a loser. How could you possibly live with a man like this? How can you stand the horror of it all?

If you are damned and determined to continue abusing the greatest gift you've ever been given, then be man enough to tell him to his face. You promised you would. No secrets. You promised!

(Calming down now) Honestly, the only thing you need right now is your husband. He needs to know what he is up against. Tell him you are absolutely obsessing over some schmuck in your past that isn't even available to you and you're completely out of control. Ask for his help.

Then you DO whatever you have to do to stop this self-indulgent fantasizing and earn the respect of the man who's sworn a blood-oath to you. Do you even realize how deep this promise you two made is?

I couldn't be sadder for your husband than I am right now, and the only hope he has in YOU. How sobering is that!!

I have to admit. I came here looking for help, advice --- it should be obvious I am struggling and the berating only makes me feel worse.

I know I am a bad person. I feel sick to my stomach every day... However, I have tried in my marriage, but there is no excitement, no fun, nothing spontaneous and there hasn't been since we were married. I have asked for a weekend away to "get back to basics" and it doesn't happen.

We have been to counseling and my husband refuses to go any more. He feels uncomfortable and feels it's too expensive.

Anybody wanting to give helpful advice? I am in need of it and would appreciate it.

Using short, almost harsh sentences, tell us what your mind is telling you to do. Not the long dramatic dream sequences, the short, honest, brutal places your mind (and heart?) are telling you you need to go.

Use short sentences, it makes you more honest.

Advice, you screwed up, and your husband is suffering for this, it should not have taken him to find out, for you to stop talking to the EX, you should have never talked to him in the first place.

There should be no contact ever with this ex, none period, and you need to go to marriage counseling and work on the relationship.

Until you admit it was all wrong and you were wrong, you will end up with no relationshiop after your husband leaves you also. And ex is with new love.

So it is time for making a commitment, as long as you LOVE an ex and not your husband, and as long as you think of husband as "best it is gong to be" your husband deseaves a lot better than that, I feel sorry for him.

So you either commit to husband or leave him and let him find someone that will really love him

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I have to admit. I came here looking for help, advice --- it should be obvious I am struggling and the berating only makes me feel worse.

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Have you broken it off with the ex? You want a quick fix for all your problems, that ain't going to happen. At least your in counseling, that will help. Breaking up with the ex will help. So all that's left is going through the consequenses of your actions and learn to take the right steps that will bring you to being happy. Your obviously beyond a night out, curing your issues. So if the advice was harsh, so are your actions. And so is the solution.

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Originally Posted by 7_TooYou

I have to admit. I came here looking for help, advice --- it should be obvious I am struggling and the berating only makes me feel worse.

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And it should be obvious to you that getting your feelings hurt simply stops you from listening properly. People use "my feelings are hurt" and "I feel berated" as an excuse to not listen. Since we aren't your friends, we're sincerely interested third parties who will talk straight to you, we're immune to comments like that. So listen up anyway, even if it hurts. It's a good hurt if you let it work.

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I know I am a bad person. I feel sick to my stomach every day... However, I have tried in my marriage, but there is no excitement, no fun, nothing spontaneous and there hasn't been since we were married. I have asked for a weekend away to "get back to basics" and it doesn't happen.

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"I know I am a bad person" or even "I'm NOT a bad person" are two more dodging statements used to put off people and make them try to console you. That won't work on us either since we don't help by consoling, we help by talking straight to you. Whether you think well of yourself or not, we're helping you deal with and correct behaviors and ferret out the realities of what you do, the real effects, and the real responses you need to be considering.

If you need consoling, that is best done in person by people who love you and care more about making you feel better than making you do better. Does that make sense?

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We have been to counseling and my husband refuses to go any more. He feels uncomfortable and feels it's too expensive.

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So go without him. The expense is the same and he might as well go since he's paying for it anyway. "Honey, I can't do better without your help, we need professional assistance and an unbiased third party to moderate our issues. Paying for help will make us be more serious about what we learn, since no one likes to waste money. Whether you go or not, I am, but it will be far less effective without your input." Then go.

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Anybody wanting to give helpful advice? I am in need of it and would appreciate it.

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We've told you what you didn't want to hear, but it IS correct info. Stop hiding behind your feelings and take charge of your life. You can't control your feelings? Fine, don't. Just control your actions and your willingness to force yourself to act like a grownup.

Maturity is about waiting. You need to put in the mental effort AT your marriage for quite some time to undo the damage that's there now. Wait it out, do the work, and your attitude(s) toward each other CAN change. But not if you keep doing what you're doing, mentally cheating and not deferring to the promises you made.

Wait it out, it will get better, and you'll both benefit from it.

The first years of marriage can be tough as it is. Honeymoon period... ha! The first two years of my marriage had more ups and downs than a roller coaster... and I think my marriage is fairly healthy, even with its imperfections.

You aren't a bad person. You are making bad choices. You aren't all in the marriage.

My connection with my wife isn't the same as any others before her. In some ways, there are even things "missing"... the one girl, I could almost read her mind and finish her sentences... another girl had a flirty, sexual playfulness that has been unmatched by any other. My partner has a strength, intelligence, and a faithfulness that surpases all others... and she's sexy as sin.

So... you just can't compare and compete.

There's a girl in Texas right now whom I believe I could have married. Just bad timing. We clicked in soooo many ways. Were I single this moment, id gas up the car and pry her away from the cowboys.

But that doesn't keep me from being here... now. I might think of her, or other ex's from time to time... but I'm just not going to play the "what if" game.

The kicker is this... you don't get to play a victim. You have to decide. If you stay, you aren't the victim. If you leave, you choose it. But you will need to make a decision and own it.

Have you considered private counseling? You came here for help. You want to work through this. We can be a sounding board, but its just not the same.

You are suffering through noise that is in your way and you need it gone... either by leaving it in the past or by going after it. For your husband... you know he deserves either a wife who is able to honor her vows, or he deserves the truth so he can find a mate who is able to do this.

Most people don't end up neck deep in crap having planned it that way. We do dumb things. We get in our own way.

I'm harsh as hell on people who step out of a marriage and cheat. You haven't done that. You are just not fully in or out.

I hope you can find a way to talk to a counselor. I think it could really be what you need to find some resolution, whatever that ends up being. Don't try to hide it from your mate... you don't need to tell him all the dirty details, but I think its reasonable to say you've struggled some mentally and just want to talk things out with an independent mind.

Glad you are struggling with this, as you should be.

And don't take our harsh words too personally... as I've said before, we might hate your actions... that's not hating you.

Okay, I am trying to be very nice here now, because I know you are very sensitive right now. But I can't lie to you by saying what you did is right. But that is not the question right? I mean did you already know that you messed up and are you asking advice on how to fix it? Or you don't even know that you messed up to begin with?

I am not here to judge you. We all messed up in life once or twice. But it is okay as long as we take lesson from it. So the first step is to recognize what you did wrong. You contacted another guy after you get married (that is called cheating) even though you didn't sleep with him. Your mind cheated. But again, if you want to know how you can fix it, my suggestion will be by not messing up again. It looks like you don't even know your husband since all the time you have been cheating (thinking about Mr. charming), You can't say your marriage was not wonderful, you have never been there to see it. You were looking out for something you don't have when what you have was wondering to be taken by you. You were in imagination life when the reality was right in front of you. And now, it may be not too late to fix your marriage, but it is obviously too late to get Mr Charming. You have two choices, 1 to loss both Mr. charming and your husband 2, to fix your marriage… it is up to you.
Sorry this is the nicest I can be on this issue.

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Originally Posted by 7_TooYou

Should I just shut the door on Mr. Charmer and refocus on my marriage...?

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Yes.

Just think if you had put as much effort into your marriage as you did into mr. charming, you might not need counseling.

WoW! Good point.

Thanks all - especially KP2171, I will take your advice. I have already called to set an appointment up with a counselor one-on-one. I also cut off communication with the ex 2 weeks ago. I am trying to make an honest effort and refocus on my marriage.