Ask Me Help Desk - Wife's male friend

Benn married 18 years, found out a few months ago my wife has a male friend she worked with for 6 years, he transferred out of state 2 years ago, but while she is at work they always e-mail and call each other. I would not usaly have a problem with this, but I never knew anything about this guy up until a few months ago. I know nothing is going on between them because he lives out of state, but why would she not tell me about this friendship, and when I asked about it she got all defensive and lied to me about a few things. Maybe they had something in the past when he lived here? I don't know what to think, been married 18 years and as far as I know she has never lied to me before.

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Originally Posted by dana1047

Benn married 18 years, found out a few months ago my wife has a male friend she worked with for 6 years, he transfered out of state 2 years ago, but while she is at work they always e-mail and call each other. I would not usaly have a problem with this, but I never knew anything about this guy up til a few months ago. I know nothing is going on between them because he lives out of state, but why would she not tell me about this friendship, and when I asked about it she got all defensive and lied to me about a few things. Maybe they had something in the past when he lived here? I dunno what to think, been married 18 years and as far as I know she has never lied to me before.

First of all I guess she assumes that if you trust her you wouldn't confront her about this. But her lying isn't going to make you not trust her all the more. However ask her what is her reason of lying to you. Approach her calmly and ask for the truth. I know you know how to communicate you made it together 18 years.. just don't make assumptions... because we know what ASSumptions can lead too..

Well her answer on why she lied to me is that I make her lie to me, she thinks I have a jealousy issue, but she has been working a male dominat job for 12 years and the only issue I have had with a guy there is one that made it well known that he had the hots for her, but I trusted her, then this guy came to oue home one day to shoot some pool with me and the whole time he was there he undressed her with his eyes, so I told her he had to get out and wasn't welcome back.

That's your call, and you made it, but why isn't that the end of the story?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

That's your call, and you made it, but why isn't that the end of the story?

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I wanted you to elaborate more on these lies, she tells you. The example you used is inconclusive.

Long story but here we go, Been married 18 years, well we had twin daughters 2.5 years ago, with no money on hand we spent a lot of time at home after the kids were born, when the kids got here I would come home from work, spend about an hour with the kids and wife, the kids would do there thing, wife would be glued to the TV watching her shows, I started spending a lot of time on the PC gaming, well after 2.5 years of this, I thought everything was going OK. Well she works third shift, and on her night off she said she was going into work overtime at work which her type of job happens frequently, well she left for work about 10:45 pm and I headed to bed around 1:00 am and thought I would call her to tell her goodnight and upon calling her work (lie #1)I was told she was not at work, it was her night off. So I called her and asked where she was and she stated at work, out in the shipping yard, well after threating to come to her work she admitted she was at her mom's house and needed time to think because she was falling out of love with me, for not spending time with the family and helping out around the house more, then she told me not to cal her mom's house, what's that tell you (red flag), I hung up had a friend that lived near her mom's house drive by there and find out she was not there.(lie #2) I called her mom and asked if she was there and was told no. So I called my wife and asked if she was still at her mom's house and she said yes, of course I called her a liar and told her I just talked to her mom and she stated she wasn't there, so she finally admitted she wasn't there and wouldn't tell me where she was, I demanded her to come home or I was taking the kids and leaving. She gets home and says she was out with friends and lied because she didn't think I would let her go out. So now it looks obvious as hell she is with another guy, so I start snooping and find out there is a phone number she has been calling everyday and talking to for about 2 hours a day, I confront her asking who it is, and she says a female co-worker that has been a lot of problems and needed someone to talk to (which I found out is true), well I didn't believe her, and asked her if she has been seeing anyone lese, she said no (lie #3), so I asked if there is another man she has been talking to, she says no, a few weeks later she says yes she is talking to a guy, but it is a fellow co-worker that doesn't work in Columbus no more, he transferred out of state, so I ask about him and she said they have been friends for about 6 years at work, and they continue to talk by phone or e-mail for the past 2 years he has been out of state, she said she has talked to him about our problems, which upset me that I screwed up my marriage and that she had to talk to another man about it. Then she stopped hearing from this friend for like two weeks and the whole time she kept accusing me of calling him and threating him and that is why he is not calling, she said it was unusal of him not to call or e-mail, well one night I asked her if she ver heard from him and she said no (lie #4), that he told her about three weeks ago that he may take a vacation, well I said if he told you that 3 weeks ago why have I been getting accused for that past two weeks? She checks her work e-mails from home so I got on there and sure enough she did hear from him and she stated she lied because she knew I would freak out, I have asked her to stop talking to him until we can get this figured out, but I know she will continue and just tell me that she isn't.

Hope I haven't left anything out.

Well, I don't think you are overreacting because of the relationship between the coworker from what I gather.. It's more that she is lying about it that is making you leary about the relationship they truly have. And she continues to lie because she doesn't want you to get upset not realizing her lying is what is getting you upset, and you have a right to be, she should in fact be talking to you about your marriage not a coworker I agree with that as well. Here is the thing no matter if she wants to hear it or not you guys need to have a serious sit, down heart to heart talk.. You need to listen she needs to listen, you both need to be honest with each other, I can tell you that it may be difficult because she has to be willing to cooperate. A marriage is difficult if one person is contributing all the effort.. I think she is perhaps seeking a friend.. Don't really know your communication with each other in your marriage, BUT If she needs another male to talk to it's something she feels is probably lacking from the marriage... even then there is no excuse because the one she should be talking to is you.. 18 years is a long time.. Talk to her, see what it is she wants. What she feels is missing in your relationship. Ask how how she feels about the marriage. Communication, communication and more communication.. I know you feel 18 years what else could we possibly talk about... but in this instance there is really a lot to talk about. Her lying, her not communicating, you getting upset. Your trust for her.. your love for her... all those things need to be establish, and they won't just work themselves out.. I suggest some counseling...

Damn you understand me better then her, lol
She thinks my problem and why I am snooping is because I think she is cheating on me, and I have told her that is not the case, I am 110% she is not cheating because she goes to work and comes home, she is accounted for at all times, I have told her that I do not think she is cheating, but when she lies I have to wonder why she is lying and I go snooping. There is no communication with her, she has always been that way closed up. Every time I try to talk to her she gets mad and upset and says she doesn't see a problem with her having a guy as a firend, and I try to tell her that I agree, but here is a guy you have been close friends with for 6 years that I didn't know about, you go and talk to him about our marriage but not me, then you lie about him, that is why I have a problem with this particular guy.

We have been to a few conseling sessions but this councelor sucks, she keeps telling me things right out of a text book that I have read up on and am trying to do. I told the counsler that she doesn't open up, and every conversation ends up with her pissed and yelling, but the counsler has yet to tell me how to communicate with a person that acts this way, we are scheduled to see a different councler this coming Monday.

Well, glad you are seeking counseling.. Don't make excuses for her being closed up.. because obviously she has no problem with communication at all to keep a 6year relationship going.. that takes communication, she just don't want to talk to you. THere has to be something that makes you unapproachable? Does she fear you? Do you really listen to her., Do you only communicate with her when its responding in a negative manner? Do you communicate with her, just to tell her what she means to you. Or its only when confronting her about her lying, whereabouts etc.. This also need to be evaluated.. AS for her yelling when she starts to yell lower your tone, whisper to her, every time her tone goes up yours goes down.. Or leave it open... tell her when she is ready to talk and communicate effectively you are willing to listen.. She yells because she wants you to understand her but she is going about it the wrong way.. She has rage, you need to find out why. She needs to find out why, and hell if she can't talk to you tell her to write it down... as she don't have a problem with emailing..

Quote:

Originally Posted by dana1047

Benn married 18 years, found out a few months ago my wife has a male friend she worked with for 6 years, he transfered out of state 2 years ago, but while she is at work they always e-mail and call each other. I would not usaly have a problem with this, but I never knew anything about this guy up til a few months ago. I know nothing is going on between them because he lives out of state, but why would she not tell me about this friendship, and when I asked about it she got all defensive and lied to me about a few things. Maybe they had something in the past when he lived here? I dunno what to think, been married 18 years and as far as I know she has never lied to me before.

18 yrs married is a lot and sometime you need to talk to old friends about things and life that won't comeback and hurt you. If you love here and she loves you make sure to tell her its o.k to email and talk but sometimes keep you in the loop. And always make sure she knows you love her. Make her special. I know you talk to others and don't go home and tell her everything. Be good and don't put too much into.

We can't talk at all, this woman knows she means the world to me, I have expressed it a lot, I know I screwed up the past few years by not helping out much, but in these past few months I have done all the house chores, bath the kids, foot massages, back rubs, I have kissed her butt these past few months, not trying to make up for the past few years, but because it is my duty to help out around the house with chores and the kids.
I have even tried e-mailing her my thoughts and feelings asking her to replay with her thoughts and feelings, I have probably sent her in the past two months 35 e-mails and on every one I ask for a response and I have maybe got two.

Her thing is for me to quit brining up her guy friend, help out around the house with chores and kids, and let time heel things, but I don't see that happening.

Time heals yes... I agree but these are problems, and they are not going to fix themselves, almost like open wounds you have to treat them, of course they will heal with time, but you need to keep them clean for no possible infection otherwise you end up with a nasty scar..

That's how relationships work they require treatment, nurturing, bandaging, stitching, with love and care they can heal... Again I am going to say this a Relationship can't work with one contributing partner... So why don't you tell her you will stop bringing him up if she has nothing to hide she wouldn't have kept him a secret..

I will stop bringing him up, and you can stop keeping him a secret, I think the insecurity has something to do with you not knowing what type of guy he is, you haven't met him so you don't know his capabilities, he can just be an understanding respectful guy, but her hiding him makes it look worse.

She needs to understand the logic.. Again it's not about her talking to another guy, it's about her keeping it a secret... Make sure you bring this up in counseling... Also about your past behavior sure you may have been different in not helping her, but your maturing... You are learning and trying, she has to now try...

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Her thing is for me to quit brining up her guy friend, help out around the house with chores and kids, and let time heel things, but I don't see that happening.

Oddly enough my advice would be to back off, and let the emotional dust settle, and go about your business, and let her relax enough to come back at you. I suspect your pushing for dialogue, is the catylst for anger, and frustration. Her lying to you may be out of fear, of your reactions, and the pressure she feels under, to communicate with you. She doesn't seem to have that problem with others though, so maybe its your listening that's important right now. The best way to find out, is to eliminate the pressure to talk, And show your willing to wait until she is ready. I really don't think there are any short term solutions to your perdicament, but handling this in a non-confrontational way, is your way to go, so try patience for a while, and show your good side.