I'm writing on behalf of my mother, who is a healthy and vibrant 89. Her husband (my stepfather) is the same age, but frail - and extremely clingy and often moody. He is mentally competent, fortunately. Mom has a few outside activities, and visits me a few times a year for 3-5 day breaks, but frankly feels stuck most of the time in a stifling, caregiver mode at home. It's the classic situation where she feels as though she is incessantly catering to a difficult, insecure child. She has said that were this ten or fifteen years ago, she might well leave, but that now it's too late and complicated to do that.

Any suggestions for her - and indeed for any senior spouse who is in the midst of this dilemma?

Thanks for any ideas.

Let me see, she is not dedicated and does not love her husband enough to be there for him after he has gotten ill and needs her to be there for him,
Is this the correct view point?

Marriage is a commitment that means being there if the other one is ill, disabled, handicaped and more. While it will be bad days and hard work, this is a duty and responsibility we owe our spouse.

Have you tried to hire an aide to come and sit with your stepfather to give your mom a break once a day. My grandparents are going through the same thing. My grandmother has parkinsons, and can be pretty demanding at times, and my grandfather is fine. Once a day, either one of the family, or a hired aide goes to their house for 3 hours, which allows my grandfather a break to do whatever he wants. Sometimes he stays at the house and relaxes in another room, other times he goes to lunch with friends. Maybe your mom would welcome a needed break daily. :)

Yes I agree with ang8318 there are programs for low income/elderly where they will come to the house and help out.
You might want to contact some social services in your area and ask what kind of programs they know of.
I am sure it is enough to make her go stir crazy no matter how much she loves him.
Is she involved with a seniors citizens center or anything?

Hun, it's called Respite care. There are nurses out there who will come and take care of him so that she can get a break, go shopping, go to lunch, whatever. There are also adult daycares who specialize in this type of situation. They have activities for the folks who go there (your father).

The adult daycare seems to work especially well because he is kept busy with activities, crafts, or just shooting the bull with other men his age while your mother gets a break.

Some of us enjoy the caregiving aspect of helping and nurturing, however, it is not for everyone to enjoy. My mom had no problem with the work of taking care of my dad even after both his legs were removed from diabetes. She never said a word to me. Times have changed I guess and there is just too much out there people think they are missing and can't fathom having to be tied down. Then, as a matter of fact, I took care of my mom 24-7 for seven years. We went brook doing it but I loved her entirely for what she had done for me over the years.

I wonder how it w.ould be should the shoe be on the other foot.

We all have our limits.

I found another place that might be helpful

Welcome to NASW Help Starts Here

Hi Tickle. Love your cat photo. Thanks for writing.

Yes, every situation is different. The devoted caring for a loved parent or a deeply loved spouse is not the same as when the caregiving involves a difficult marriage that has never been very good. Nevertheless, my mother worries, cares for, and devotes herself to a man who. While basically good and decent, is acknowlwedged even by his kids as being exasperating and difficult. She just needs a BIT more time to herself, and that's why I came here and asked for suggestions.

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Originally Posted by lorisar

I'm writing on behalf of my mother, who is a healthy and vibrant 89. Her husband (my stepfather) is the same age, but frail - and extremely clingy and often moody. He is mentally competent, fortunately. Mom has a few outside activities, and visits me a few times a year for 3-5 day breaks, but frankly feels stuck most of the time in a stifling, caregiver mode at home. It's the classic situation where she feels as though she is incessantly catering to a difficult, insecure child. She has said that were this ten or fifteen years ago, she might well leave, but that now it's too late and complicated to do that.

Any suggestions for her - and indeed for any senior spouse who is in the midst of this dilemma?

Thanks for any ideas.

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Wow - this is painful for me to read. I am healthy and vibrant; my husband was dying - for five years.

I can't imagine feeling I was in the "classic situation" where I felt I was "incessantly catering to a difficult, insecure child" or "stuck ... in a stifling, caregiver mode at home." I gave up my outside life, absolutely and without ever looking back. And I would do it again tomorrow.

I don't think the classic situation is feeling put upon - not at all.

Ten or 15 years ago she would have left if he had gotten sick but now it's too late and complicated? Perhaps he's the way he is - whatever that is - because I guarantee if I had felt this way my husband would have sensed it, known it, been devastated by it.

And if the positions had been reversed? He would have been there for me without any resentment.

This post is just too close and maybe unless you've been there it doesn't hit hard.

Anyway - I have to agree with FrChuck. This is what a commitment is about.

I hope your mother finds some relief and I hope your stepfather doesn't know her feelings.

This lady should feel lucky that she & her husband had a life up till now instead of complaining. As noted by other responders, she can get outside help. Also, she can remain active in a multitude of activities. Its up to her to help herself.

Oh, I would hope that since she did marry him she knew they wouldn't stay young forever. I feel for her, but she is just going to need to do more activities, maybe offer for him to do activities with her and if he says no then she should go herself...
Tell her she has every right to go and be free but remember that she needs and vowed to take good care of him... ;)

She's a healthy and vibrant 89. That says so much. At that age I'd want to make every single moment of my earth time into something exciting and wonderful. The days are certainly numbered and it's their only chance to catch up with what they've missed while raising children, building a home, and working full time.

I wonder what she would be doing if she were alone. Maybe just having a cup of coffee with an old friend, going shopping leisurely, or dancing wildly in the living room for a few minutes a day.

Getting together with friends to go to lunch once or twice a week would make a big difference. It involves two or three hours and provides some things to think & talk about besides the same ole same ole.

I wonder if she could get a family member, younger friend or even a visiting nurse to stop over for a few hours a week so she could look forward to a couple hours out on her own. Maybe someone could come in who would play chess or cards with your stepfather to give him something to look forward to also. It can't be easy being that age whether you feel great or not so good. You still hear that clock ticking and it can be a real downer.

She could try placing an ad in the neighborhood newspaper to see if someone might be looking for something helpful and interesting to do with their spare time. Volunteers do it and so do people who want to make a few dollars here and there. Nothing wrong with your mom wanting to enjoy what's left of her life.

P.S. I think older folks like that often talk about wishing they had left their mate years before, but that's just to let people know it's not so easy to be in that situation. Sometimes they just need a little more appreciation.

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Originally Posted by lorisar

Hi Tickle. Love your cat photo. Thanks for writing.

Yes, every situation is different. The devoted caring for a loved parent or a deeply loved spouse is not the same as when the caregiving involves a difficult marriage that has never been very good. Nevertheless, my mother worries, cares for, and devotes herself to a man who. while basically good and decent, is acknowlwedged even by his kids as being exasperating and difficult. She just needs a BIT more time to herself, and that's why I came here and asked for suggestions.

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You are absolutely right. Even the most devoted spouse can get stressed out when taking care of an ailing and difficult person. Added to that is the fact that care giving has been going on for a long time . After all your mom is human. She needs respite and rest too. She too is growing old. Instead of judging her harshly, wouldn't it be appropriate that everyone in the family chips in with care giving and seek outside help too?

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Originally Posted by Mrs Frustrated

You are absolutely right. Even the most devoted spouse can get stressed out when taking care of an ailing and difficult person. Added to that is the fact that care giving has been going on for a long time . After all your mom is human. She needs respite and rest too. She too is growing old. Instead of judging her harshly, wouldn't it be appropriate that everyone in the family chips in with care giving and seek outside help too?

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You have posted on a long dead thread.