Ask Me Help Desk - Why does the drama never end ?

Well, here I am again. The last time I asked a question it was because my son had not spoken to me in a year. Never thought I would be "back in the land of confusion" but here I am ! This time, I need to vent about being used. Never thought I would be saying that either! My daughter, husband and I have been back in my son's life now for almost a year. And in that time, things were great- until recently. Maybe it is the fact that we are all exhausted lately and feeling a little underappreciated and stepped on. Let me start at the beginning. You can read the 1st saga under 'my son hasn't spoke to me in almost a year'- this is the continuation. Almost a year to the day after the big 4th of July catastrophe, my son called and said if I wanted to "bond" with my grandson, then I could go to his apartment as he had future plans of leaving for Arizona. This part was all covered in an earlier post, but if you did not see it- I will bring you up to speed. Things were great- till recently. We babysat (very happily) 4 or 5 days a week- they needed help, so we did their laundry (my idea to help them save money- I really did not mind)- and they were having car problems, so we went back and forth bringing them to work or picking them up, went to their house on occasion to pick up the baby, or clean when they weren't there. Now the new problem: My son's girlfriend is a very sweet person- I love her dearly, but she is bi-polar and lately I feel that she is overly critical. Let me explain. In the beginning, I took her worrying and little criticisms with a grain of salt- she was a new mother after all, and we have all been there- the feeling that only we mothers can take of our children properly. The baby will be 1 year old next week. We babysit every other weekend (my son is on his way back from Arizona, and they will be picking up the baby and heading first to upstate NY and then back out west)- at the moment she lives with her mother. She has told me that she wants the baby trying out new food- "people food" and that he enjoys it. So when I went to my mother in law's house I gave him a taste of her homemade macaroni & cheese (he loved it)- and I told her later on- she got very quiet, and then very "attitudy- the only word I can think of"- and said "I don't want him having dairy- I told you that- (she did, we forgot)- because it can cause botchelism" ! What I am tired of is the 180 that this girl does- she can call me to check on him and I get an attitude if she doesn't like/agree with something we have done, but then later when she picks him up it is all sunshine/smiles and she loves/appreciates us! We did not know what she would be doing for his birthday- she finally decided to have at her Dad's house. She told us to invite people and let her know how many- I called to double check this- and when I told her we were inviting my brother, my 2 nieces (their 2 boyfriends and 1 nieces son who my grandson went to his birthday)- she got mad because I invited "all these people that she does not know"- they are family ! Anyway, my son is on his way home for the baby's birthday, and he wants us to babysit so he and his girlfriend can have a couple of days together to "talk and decide when we are leaving, etc"- I love my grandson but at this point no longer want to babysit. I sent his girlfriend a long e-mail last night (after my son said she feels that we don't need to see the baby anymore if we feel that way) pouring my heart out, but have as yet to get a response. If I don't get one soon, I'm guessing she will just call me tonight at home. Sorry for the length of this, but 1. I needed to vent 2. I needed to give everyone background. Thanks for any advice. Karen

Sounds like 8 out of 10 families problems. Sons wives or girlfriends hardly ever think mother in laws know anything... "A girls a daughter all her life, a son is a son , till he takes a wife".
I say be nice, ask to see the baby, and let time work it's magic.
Arguing won't work because she is young and thinks she knows it all. Bipolar and first time mother.. eeeegads !
Tell them that you can no longer babysit because of your back problems. Lol Let your son grow up and fend for himself. Quit bailing him out or either one will never grow up.
The chances of this whole relationship lasting is slim to none.
He will see the light and grow up one day.
When you do so much, you set yourself up for heartbreak.
You can love your kids without bailing them out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by docdeblee

Sounds like 8 out of 10 families problems. Sons wives or girlfriends hardly ever think mother in laws know anything... "A girls a daughter all her life, a son is a son , till he takes a wife".
I say be nice, ask to see the baby, and let time work it's magic.
Arguing won't work because she is young and thinks she knows it all. Bipolar and first time mother ..eeeegads !
Tell them that you can no longer babysit because of your back problems. lol Let your son grow up and fend for himself. Quit bailing him out or either one will never grow up.
The chances of this whole relationship lasting is slim to none.
He will see the light and grow up one day.
When you do so much, you set yourself up for heartbreak.
You can love your kids without bailing them out.

Thanks docdeblee- you can say that again- I mean the part about her knowing it all. I asked my son last night what she would do if she was not lucky enough to have me and her mother helping her out and had to bring him to daycare- would she also nitpick them too ? He said yes probably. I told him she would then be asked not to bring him back. And as far as the back problems- I think she doesn't believe us- I admit it has happened a few times that we are not able to because of our backs- ie: back to back weekends. My daughter broke her back a few years ago, my husband hurt his in a car accident when he was younger, and I was shoveling the driveway and bending the wrong way when I felt burning/sharp pain- has been killing me ever since ! Like I said, she is sweet girl and I love her to death, but I am exhausted, so are my daughter and husband- enjoy the baby, but whenever we don't/can't babysit, she tells my son that no one wants to help her...

My girlfriend is going through the same thing with her son and daughter in law to be...
I say, YOU had the baby.. YOU made that choice.. Now deal with motherhood and being a parent like we had too, we didn't have someone to babysit for us, we had to make our way ourselves!! We had to figure it out..
You need to sit this girl down and politely, lovingly tell her that you think the world of her, but this is how it is... You can't beat up people who DO help you out...
Your son is healthy, you did fine with him, so you must know something!! Besides if you leave a kid with someone 5 days all day a week, THEY are more the teacher of the child than the parent! Good luck... These kids these days drive me nuts... lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by docdeblee

My girlfriend is going through the exact same thing with her son and daughter in law to be...
I say, YOU had the baby..YOU made that choice..Now deal with motherhood and being a parent like we had too, we didnt have someone to babysit for us, we had to make our way ourselves !!! We had to figure it out..
You need to sit this girl down and politely, lovingly tell her that you think the world of her, but this is how it is.... You can't beat up people who DO help you out...
Your son is healthy, you did fine with him, so you must know something !!! Besides if you leave a kid with someone 5 days all day a week, THEY are more the teacher of the child than the parent !! Good luck... These kids these days drive me nuts... lol

By the way, I forgot to tell you- when my son called last night and I said just that to him- that I do know what I am doing- have been a mother for 29 years now-(and think I have done ok) I got told that- not only have "things changed" but his words were something like "I'm out travelling across country with no money and no gas, and your daughter is 29 and still lives at home- what does that say?! (am I wrong, but was it not his choice to be a happy, wandering hippie ?- and my daughter did move out for a year but lost her job, has a lot of medical bills and had to come back home). But then, my son has blamed me for every little thing gone wrong in his life- at 1 point he even told me I never made him brush his teeth when he was little! (LOL- since when does a Mom not make you brush your teeth- every single night). SIGH... :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ksatagaj

By the way, I forgot to tell you- when my son called last night and I said just that to him- that I do know what I am doing- have been a mother for 29 years now-(and think I have done ok) I got told that- not only have "things changed" but his words were something like "I'm out travelling across country with no money and no gas, and your daughter is 29 and still lives at home- what does that say ?!!! (am I wrong, but was it not his choice to be a happy, wandering hippie ?- and my daughter did move out for a year but lost her job, has a lot of medical bills and had to come back home). But then, my son has blamed me for every little thing gone wrong in his life- at 1 point he even told me I never made him brush his teeth when he was little! (LOL- since when does a Mom not make you brush your teeth- every single night). SIGH............:rolleyes:

You sound like a fine mother. A good mother to me is one that is there for their kids, and who does what they can for their kids. As far as your daughter, I blame that "stigma" on society. While she may not be in the majority, I myself know even 30 year olds that live at home. It is expensive out there! We all go through rough times in our lives. Nothing wrong with her. As long as she's helping out some, and is not a problem - I don't see the problem right now. I'm sure she's a lovely girl. And since when is it a moms fault when a grown child wants to go traveling? There's a time when you have to say enough is enough. If they appreciate it, it's one thing. But you sound like you're being walked all over. As for the party - you have a right to have your family, which is also your sons family, there!

Botulism comes from honey, by the way. You sound like you have done more than a lot of people would do. Wait and see if she replies to your email. Take it from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ksatagaj

You sound like a fine mother. A good mother to me is one that is there for their kids, and who does what they can for their kids. As far as your daughter, I blame that "stigma" on society. While she may not be in the majority, I myself know even 30 year olds that live at home. It is expensive out there! We all go through rough times in our lives. Nothing wrong with her. As long as she's helping out some, and is not a problem - I don't see the problem right now. I'm sure she's a lovely girl. And since when is it a moms fault when a grown child wants to go traveling? There's a time when you have to say enough is enough. If they appreciate it, it's one thing. But you sound like you're being walked all over. As for the party - you have a right to have your family, which is also your sons family, there!

Botulism comes from honey, by the way. You sound like you have done more than a lot of people would do. Wait and see if she replies to your email. Take it from there.

We really have to learn to sign out. Sorry, this is KSatagaj's daughter - trying to be cute. Again, very sorry everybody. :)

Just an update - because it's sometimes annoying when you've tried to help somebody, and they don't give an update. :p My mother emailed my sister in law, and after a few days, she did respond. As I told her, sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. So after a few back and forths, hopefully everything is all straight now. I basically told her we can't do anymore 3 day weekends, or back to back weekends. So hopefully, we will just do every other weekend now. I also told her to leave us a list of what he could and could not have, and that will solve the problem of her being mad at what we feed him. The reaction she had to the party was out of aggravation because my mother made a nasty comment about her to my brother, which in turn got back to her. So like I said, I just wanted to give an update, and thank you to docdeblee for you help. :)

This is KSatagaj's daughter by the way! :p