Ask Me Help Desk - Letters from her ex.

Just hoping to get some advise from the board as I have posted here before and gotten good responses.

I am a newly wed with a woman I love dearly. In the early stages of our relationship while dating she had to deal with "getting over" an ex boyfriend, at the same time she still told me how much she was in love with me and it was nothing serious. Well, this ex called her a couple of time and even stopped by her work to visit. I brought this up to her as I thought it was pushing the envelope and it was bothering me. She again stated she loved me and it was just friendly conversation.

I was never comfortable with this and told her this several times. Well, 2 months ago after we are engaged he calls her to find her level of interest in him, she said she was happy with me and looking forward to our future. This made me quite angry, not with her at this point, but him. He was abviously sneaking around trying to in some way maybe get her to re-examine their possibilities. I asked her to let him know my thinking this was totally inappropriate and to stop communicating as it was definitely not "friendly conversation".

She got irritated and told me she would handle it her way and just hope he would go away. Also, she told me she wouldn't let me know if he contacted her again as it would upset me. I strongly told her that would be wrong as I had a right, given our engagement. I have come to find out in the last 2 months he has called her, and written her letters weekly. She has not responed , but when I asked her if she read the letters, she said yes. Only because she was "curious". I know she hasn't cheated on me but I feel a bit betrayed that she has not told him about my problem with this and she just seems to not want to hurt his feelings and end the communication. I am just very confused and wondering if I am over-reacting.

I don't think you are over-reacting.she should tell her ex your thinking as you have been engaged with her which means a lot!What will she do and think if you do the same thing with your ex?let her know this point!as she said her ex is only a friend,then your feeling should be more important! Will she like to hurt you more than her ex?

You've pulled the trigger, you're married now. The rules have changed. Do NOT fall into the trap of acting like a jealous boyfriend. Act like a husband. What does this mean? It means different things depending on whom you're talking to.

To your wife: She is "the one" now. She's your end of time lifemate. Things you say and do now can have eternal consequences. Also, you should expect her to view a little differently now. You two can talk about ANYTHING! You really can. But the need to convince or train or test is no longer there. You're wed. Now when you talk, you're calmly seeking to impart information, not convince.

Vowing to love someone and put them first in marriage requires a different, mature, assured approach to situations like this. You should keep your humor about you as you indicate to her how serious you take outsiders imposing on your private life. And that's what he's doing. Personal relationships with an ex are a real no-no, but SHE has to reach that conclusion.

"Honey, know that for the rest of my life I will always seek to provide you with a sense of security and confidence in US. It is and always be 'you' for me, and that will never change. Remember that. I'm OK knowing that others are still attracted to you, you're a phenomenally attractive women and I am grateful to God every day the gift you've given me by being my wife. This man's letters and contacts I understand, but remember they are hurtful and I personally wish you'd ignore them without reading them. If you feel they need to be read though, I'd like to read them, too. You know I'll never keep a secret like that from you, don't you? So think about, but I know you're a good-hearted person and will do right. So, just bear with me if I get a little weird about this, cause I know it's nothing compared to what we have ahead of us."

These are tough new habits to get into.

Talking to this guy: I'd contact him and be a little condescending with him. Let him know your WIFE showed his little letters to you and you thought they were sweet, but probably unnecessary since you two have gotten married and the whole "is she/does she" question is now answered permanently.

If he continues, be a lot more forceful (still not threatening or anything) and have your wife in on that contact so he knows it really is one-sided.

Third time... I don't know, maybe I'd publish his letter in the paper with his name and phone number: If you think this man should be writing love letters to my wife...call this number to vote....

You got to have fun and let her see you're not threatened by any of it because you are treating her SOOOO well through the whole thing. But sprinkled in through it all are serious reassurances and reminders of how committed and attracted YOU are to HER.

Lead by example.

She would probably share this with you and in a lot of ways probably really wants too. But your reaction, however appropriate, has not allowed her to do this.

Right or wrong, does it matter? She just needs to be honest, work this out and hopefully choose you in the end. You can either be a part of it or alienate her where you are always guessing, sneaking, searching and never trusting.

Tell her how you feel. "I am jealous of this guy, I feel intimidated when he contacts you and asks for you to re-examine your feelings. I do not like this and am very uncomfortable with it. But I would rather know about it, have you share it with me because I trust in us." Or something to this effect.

In some ways it is a slap in her face for you to demand that she tell him your feelings. Trust her, trust your relationship, and if given the chance tell him how what you think of his tactics.

Just my opinion

Quote:

I am just very confused and wondering if I am over-reacting.

Just me, after being married a helluva long time, I let my wife handle her situations her way, and let it go. She doesn't always do it to my satisfaction, but it seems to be her way, so I can only say back off. You have discussed it, so let it go because she has already acknowledged she would do the right thing her way, and it goes a long way, just me again, that she talks to you about it. Now your pushing has put that in jeopardy, and you should rethink your position, and correct it. Just me though, why should you be a jealous boyfriend to your own wife, and be mad she doesn't do things the way YOU want her to that only strokes your ego. Just me, its more important to show trust, and confidence, in her decisions, and actions, than it is to get your own way, whether your right or wrong. Just me, but let her deal with this, and you forget it. She will do what's right, and things will be a lot better in the long run. The long run is what your concerned about. How do I know? Been there before. Don't push her away over something beyond your control (his action)

Having said that, I would not be beyond replying to his letters, myself. My own way. Without her knowledge of course.