Originally Posted by sillymama
I am a 37 year old mother of 3 kids ( ages 6, 11, 13). I work fulltime as a nurse and I have been married for 17 years.
I must admit, from the very beginning of my marriage, I have had nagging doubts about my husband in the back of my head. Just prior to our wedding, I found out he had been partying and drinking while in his last year of college and flunked out...he pretended he was still going to class and doing well. Finally...the truth came out that he was not going to graduate and he had thousands of dollars in student loans. I went ahead with the wedding, thinking love would cure all things. I was the main income earner ( as a nurse) for the first 10 years of our marriage while he worked as a security guard. I paid off his loans and tolerated his tendency to be lazy, work very little, and use the excuse he was " sick" or "sleepy" to get out of work at home.He started overeating, laying around, became overweight, out of shape...and unattractive. When the kids would stress him, he would yell, scream and spank my son excessively...I wouldn't say he was abusive but definitely heavy handed and verbally over the top. When my parents started complaining about him, he decided he was moving to Florida and if I wanted to stay married, I would move with him....so I did. He said I needed to get away from my family and grow up and learn to depend on him. Again, I worked as the main income earner and he worked as a security guard...after a few years, I couldn't stand being so far from home so I decided to do the research and get him a better paying job close to family...it worked and he got a job with the Federal Prison System about 2 hours away from family. He agreed to go but he has never been completely happy about it. Since our move back home a few years ago, my husband's behavior worsened. Our oldest son has adhd, behavior problems and at one point my husband became violent with him on a regular basis
( hitting, choking, a few punches- my son was 11 at the time). I left for 2 weeks and my husband convinced me that the problems was really me because I did not back up my husband on the issue of discipline, so, he says he was pushed to violence by frustration. He told me that our oldest son and I were the 2 main problems in his life. He refused to allow a separation ( what I asked for), he said our problems had to be worked out " from within". He also insisted that since he was making good money at his job, he should be in charge of finances and I could work part time, 12 hours a week. I agreed. I came back home and gave him control of the finances and promised I would back him up on discipline. He agreed to get help for depression and he went on antidepressant medication. We also started family counseling but my husband only made it to about 6 sessions. ( I still go with my son). Within 10 months of going back, my husband began the yelling and occasional hitting of my oldest son...he says the spankings are needed because of my son's behavior problems ( he does act out a lot ), he also started drinking
( something he had never done before on a regualr basis since college). He doesn't drink daily, he has between 7-10 beers at a time about 2 days per week. Last year, I found out that he had been compulsively gambling and spending money he did not have...he put us in debt $ 42,000 dollars!!! So, did I leave? NO...I went back to work to help pay off the debt...I took over the finances again...and I took away his credit card.
So fast forward to now...my husband is on " good behavior" at the moment. He still yells alot but the hitting has almost stopped. He is still drinking 1-3 days per week and he still spends money but he has to give me the reciepts. I am working fulltime plus overtime to make ends meet since we are in financial disaster. He works 4 days per week and refuses to work overtime...he makes excuses about being "tired" or "sick" or there is no overtime available...he has never looked for a second job. He does help more around the house than he ever did before, mainly because I am working more than I ever did.
Here is my problem...now that my husband is doing a bit better, I feel I should be happy but I am not....He is overweight, unattractive, I can't stand it when he touches me...He has lied to me several times in the past so now I do not trust him, I do not respect him, I do not admire him. He is needy, clingy...he even insists that I " tuck him in" when he lays down for a nap or at bedtime. He has no outside interests anymore...he says his family is all he needs, but all he does at home is eat, watch tv, drink beer, occasionally cleans and cooks meals. I beg him to find outside interests but he claims he is very happy with his life. I am 37, I want more than this out of life....but our children do love their Dad. He treats our 2 younger children well...he does not hit them, but they do not have behavior problems...they are eager to please him. How selfish is it to feel this way? I want my children to be happy but I want to be happy too...should I try to build a happy marriage?...all I really want is to get out...but I am scared..what if I leave and things are even harder for me?...If I leave, my husband will not be able to pay the bills or provide support...we will go bankrupt. I am afriad I will make my kids miserable, furthermore, I am afraid my husband would fight me for custody....he is very manipulative. Should I just stick it out like all the times before? I understand my husband is not going to change, if I stay, I must learn to accept him.
PS...my husband has never hit me, he has never been unfaithful to my knowlege, and he seems to love me very much. ( I'm not sure if I love him).
Please help.
