Ask Me Help Desk - Wife cheated on me. Now what

OK I have been married for almost 15 years. The furst few years of marriage were pretty rough. I was a control freak and jealous (turns out for good reason, but honstly I was jealous long before she was a cheater). We had a really bad 2 year spurt which is when she cheated, that was 6 years ago. We went to counsling (not about affiar because did not find out about it till 2 weeks ago) and then I did individual counsling for a couple of years.

We have 3 kids now ages 5,3,1. OK so how I find out. I always kind of knew. I found an email that I showed her back when that bascially said if you are going to hook up with someone else let me know so I can move on. And I got part of an email where she sent him some nude photos. I did not have the pics just pieced it together. She was able to get me to believe it was my jealously. Anyway the dude was a co-worker, he was married, lived in my old hood ,etc. The way I found out was his wife was arrested for inappropriate behavior with a 18 year old student and she is a teacher. It brought up the whole think and she finally admitted it. She seems truly sorry and seems to try and make me feel loved. For her this was 7 years ago for me like it was yesterday. She is invovled in the conversation and understnads my hurting, etc.

sorry so long but want to give some back ground.

When she first told me it was a 1X thing that was spur of the moment. I told her that did not fit and a couple of days later she said there was a 2nd time that was a bit more expected plus lots of activity that did not invovle intercourse but cam pretty close to. He ultimately started flirting with another girl my wife tried to hold on to him by sending nude pics, etc and then it ends. She says because she was getting tired of it and decided she wanted to stay not leave.

Few questions... Was I wrong and am I still a fool for trying to understand the entire picture. I do not want gory details but I have to feel like I understand what happened, not sure this is a smart thing to do.

We have had a great last few years but I feel like I can never get over what she did. I love my kids and it will really hurt them if we part, I do not want that but I also have to feel like I matter to, which she says I do, and I really have no reason to believe the last 6 - 7 years have been anything but us.

I also am a bit hung up on the sex part. She was never all that outgoing in that area but she did things outside her normal self during her affiar and she wants to just be less than that now. 15 years in I'd like a little excitemet and not sure that I can handle her having her fun and oh well.

This really hurts and it feels strange because it was so long ago for her, but I am at a loss for how to handle. Any thoughts appreciated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mossyla

OK I have been married for almost 15 years. The furst few years of marriage were pretty rough. I was a control freak and jealous (turns out for good reason, but honstly I was jealous long before she was a cheater). We had a really bad 2 year spurt which is when she cheated, that was 6 years ago. We went to counsling (not about affiar because did not find out about it till 2 weeks ago) and then I did individual counsling for a couple of years.

Now the cat is out of the bag, more conseling is needed...

Quote:

We have 3 kids now ages 5,3,1. She seems truly sorry and seems to try and make me feel loved. For her this was 7 years ago for me like it was yesterday. She is invovled in the conversation and understnads my hurting, etc.

It is going to take some time to gain the trust back, and its so hard to find it to forgive someone you love especially with kids involved, it will take time for you to get over this, because you feel betrayed, however if you are willing to forgive her you have to forgive, and TRY not to keep bringing it up. This is going to take some more counseling... Because now you have to build your trust again, and being that you want to make it work for your children you definitely will need counseling, because you don't want your kids to see the tension between you and the wife.

Quote:

sorry so long but want to give some back ground
When she first told me it was a 1X thing that was spur of the moment. I told her that did not fit and a couple of days later she said there was a 2nd time that was a bit more expected plus lots of activity that did not invovle intercourse but cam pretty close to. He ultimately started flirting with another girl my wife tried to hold on to him by sending nude pics, etc and then it ends. She says because she was getting tired of it and decided she wanted to stay not leave..

Quote:

Few questions... Was I wrong and am I still a fool for trying to understand the entire picture. I do not want gory details but I have to feel like I understand what happened, not sure this is a smart thing to do.

It's totally normal to want all the details of what has happened, and if she begins to tell you it can throw you into a greater rage, the point is that she cheated spare yourself the details, because it could really bring you to a point of no return.

Quote:

We have had a great last few years but I feel like I can never get over what she did. I love my kids and it will really hurt them if we part, I do not want that but I also have to feel like I matter to, which she says I do, and I really have no reason to believe the last 6 - 7 years have been anything but us.

I understand what you may feel, your hurt, your frustration your anger. It might have been 6-7 years for her, but of course it seems like yesterday to you, because not until now you feel like the past few years was a lie. Even with you being controlling, and jealous, you did go to counseling and I commend you for that.

Quote:

I also am a bit hung up on the sex part. She was never all that outgoing in that area but she did things outside her normal self during her affiar and she wants to just be less than that now. 15 years in I'd like a little excitemet and not sure that I can handle her having her fun and oh well.This really hurts and it feels strange because it was so long ago for her, but I am at a loss for how to handle. Any thoughts appreciated.

Next step, is even though she wants to move forward it will take you a little more time. Building trust again is not easy, but you have a choice to make stay or leave, and before you jump to an answer quickly you need to have a heart to heart conversation, weigh out your reasons for staying and working out your marriage, seek counseling, try to keep your composure around the children. But again this will take some time, I know exactly what you are going through I have been there. I hope that you can make a decision, and if you are going to forgive her, truly forgive her and try to work it out, and I hate to say this but if you need time to think, take that time to really think, before you react out of anger.

Good luck to you..

I'm a bit simplistic in my view on marriage. When two people reach the point of making that commitment, it means they are vowing to do the work necessary to fight off the devils that would separate them. They marry for life... good or bad... vow to work through it all. I know, simplistic, but it colors my answers.

The advice I would give someone DATING who was in your shoes is completely different than I will give you. So, here we go.

This woman is your wife. She is an imperfect creature and fully capable of dumb hurtful choices. But she is your wife, your life mate. The position you hold in her life should not be treated lightly. She needs to be honored, respected and cherished. When she hurts you, this one fact doesn't change. She needs you to honor and respect her as you deal with the issue.

Forgetting her infidelity for a minute, answer the questions:

How do you make her feel cherished?
How do you honor and support her values (the good ones)?
How do you signal to her and the world she is the queen of your household?

This is sappy stuff, I know, and part of your problem is not being able to "get over" what she did. But you need to remember, you promised her you would... at the altar. You promised you would defend your marriage against all comers.

Well, one of the "comers" is your own imperfect heart. You must guard your marriage against the harm you can do to it by your own sense of betrayal.

Did she betray you? Yes, of course. But she is your wife. You fight for your family. You seek out the dragons in your own relationship that makes these things possible and you slay them. The dragon of inattentiveness, sexlessness, lack of gratitude, lack of forgiveness... these are evil dragons.

The greatest gift you can give your life mate is forgiveness. Not just in your heart, but in your action. And you confess your lack of strength and ask her to forgive YOU for the things you say/do in return. You face this situation together and solve it together.

If Jennifer Aniston walked in the room, you would go "oh my gosh...wow, that's J.A." It's an "oh wow, gosh feeling" and it affects the way you are around her. You need to practice acting that way around your wife. It will substantively effect the way you think about her over time, and it will impact the way she treats you, too. Think about how much we like being around our "fans"... the people who think highly of and speak praisingly toward us. This is what I'm talking about.

You want to know how to get over what she did? Ask her for forgiveness for your keeping this bottled up so long, vow to cherish and put her on the throne of the house and treat her that way. You'll get over it because you practice BEING over it.

There's a lot about your marriage I don't know. Granted. But I do know that relationships that last are FAR from perfect, but they are forgiving, loving homes. You CAN forgive almost anything, as long as you don't ignore the things that lead up to the mistakes and work together to keep them from repeating.

This is the habit that leads to an eternity together.

JBeaucaire, appreciate the response, but WOW! Seriously what I got out of this is that no matter what stick it out and make her feel special. At this point in my healing I would say it is a bit unrelaistic for me to have JA moments. We do not fight about this, she is supportive and I do let her know I appreciate her willingenss to help us / me trhough this.

You talk about for better or worse and my vows... well she broke hers and it gets to be played off as a hurtful mistake and I am suppose to do all the work here. Sorry I believe my job is to work on forgiving her and trying to move on hers needs to be giving me the JA moments.

Again do appreciate the perspective, it is helpful, and I appreciate you taking your time to help me out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mossyla

JBeaucaire, appreciate the response, but WOW! Seriously what I got out of this is that no matter what stick it out and make her feel special. At this point in my healing I would say it is a bit unrelaistic for me to have JA moments. We do not fight about this, she is supportive and I do let her know I appreciate her willingenss to help us / me trhough this.

You talk about for better or worse and my vows....well she broke hers and it gets to be played off as a hurtful mistake and I am suppose to do all the work here. Sorry I believe my job is to work on forgiving her and trying to move on hers needs to be giving me the JA moments.

Again do appreciate the perspective, it is helpful, and I appreciate you taking your time to help me out.

I mean I couldn't give you the answer Jb gave you because I was with a cheating husband, I forgave him but I couldn't forget for me it was only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.”

I knew for me to say I forgive I knew it wasn't sincere because I would constantly bring it up in every disagreement. I wasn't willing to stick it out I felt betrayed, neglected cheated as well as my children. I knew I couldn't trust him the same, but again maybe your relationship wasn't as bad as mine and I am not telling you by anymeans that you should leave, but simply it will take time to get back to that point, And also that once you are willing to forgive, it has to stay behind... But again this is only my experience, and from your post it seems your marriage was more than mine ever was even with the discovery of her being unfaithful. In the end you have to make a decision and whatever your decision is make sure you thought it through completely. And don't take all the blame for her stepping out of the marriage.. You seen that you had a problem with jealousy and you sought the help you needed, now you must get help TOGETHER..

As we can't see the whole picture all I can say is nobody looks elsewhere if its good at home. Obviously she was lacking something her husband wasn't giving her. Statistics say, that women cheat for emotional reasons, while men cheat for one night sexual reasons. Women need to know they are special to their mates, they need to know they are on that pedistal, and feel that emotional connection. That's how we are made up. Unless someone is just a downright "pig", they cheat because their mate isn't fulfilling something in their life. So you need to both take some responsibility for this. There are counseling groups for YOU and her to get over this, as much as you feel hurt and betrayed, I bet she feels as bad for doing it. There are counseling groups for sex as well. In most cases, even with a husband, if women do not receive their emotional needs from their spouse, they subconciously resent giving him the best of sex. Both have to feel fulfilled to give the other all they have to give in every way. Although you just found out, she has been a good wife to you since this happened years ago. I am sure, she has still be lacking what she needed back then as well in this marriage. I say both go to counseling, re-connect, and romance each other. Try and save this. Cry together in each others arms. Tell her your sorry for not supplying what she needed and let her cry to you that she is sorry for what she did. Fell each other and connect. Become partners, and feel what each other needs.. and give it. Kindness begets kindness, tenderness begets tenderness, and so on. God Bless

Jolie thanks, I appreciate where you are coming from.

Doc, I do understand she was missing something and I think we have long gotten past that need on her part. She says so in any event. I'm not looking to punish her or even get "even", it is in the past and we have moved on but it is still a new issue for me.

We do talk about this not fight, she does cry and me too and she has and is supportive in this journey. What I worry about most is what Jolie points out, can I ever really leave it in the past, it does her and me no good if every time we have a disagreement (we really do not fight anymore, guess did enough of that early on) I feel the need to bring it up. I am trying to deal with how to move on and hopefully together. I trust her but obviously that is somewhat fragile now.

I understand how difficult all this is. The whole point I was making is that if the marriage vows were real, not conditional, then you CAN stand and work through anything. You promised you would. The commitment wasn't "til death do us part unless you make any of the following mistakes...."

The point of unconditional means that you have already decided to DO whatever it takes to get through whatever you face. I know that infidelity isn't the same as spending the savings account on gambling or drinking, or whatever. This particular sin feels very personal. I get that. I really do. But it's ultimately US that makes these bearable or not.

But I believe, and I think I hear you might agree in some small way, that when you've reached this point in your relationship, you bear it all and love all the more. As long as BOTH are following that as response to problems, the marriage can survive and even prosper. Possibly stronger than ever... eventually.

But if even one of you exercises the option to be resentful or let the feelings of betrayal take precedence, well, one person alone can't make it work.

But two forgiving, honest people who don't hedge and never threaten abandonment, those two can overcome anything.

And I do mean anything.

JBeaucaire... I do agree with what you are saying. My belief is that if we can get thorugh this we will likely be better than we were before, we did a lot of good work to get to where we are but there was always something in the background, that is now out in the open, and even though I hate living this I and possibly us will be better for it.

I do not think I am hedging, too much :). This is still very fresh for me so honetly painful. I will be seeing my Counselor in a week (have not seen her in 2 years).

Thanks again for the posts, very helpful

Your still in shock over a very fresh attack, on your own security. Your wife has had a lot of time to reconcile herself, and her actions, and you have not. Your at the early stages of accepting her mistake, and dealing with it, and hopefully you'll give yourself the time to work through this. That your willing, is a big help, as this would have already been over, but be patient ,and not try and rush through this healing process. I imagine this has stimulated a lot of conversation between you, and been very emotional trying to find the whys, and what fors, but stay with the process, and learn from this, and work together. You may not be ready to forgive, and may never forget, but you can learn to deal, and cope, with this in a positive way, so you can let go and move forward, and get that bond of trust back. She will have to help you though and obviously has to some extent, so its you that bears the brunt of putting your happiness back together. Baby steps, and move ahead slowly, and never stop talking honestly, to your life partner. You can get through this, if you help each other.

talaniman... thanks for the reply, I agree with everything you are saying and although hard on her she does seem to get that 7 years ago for her not so for me. She has been supportive and I try not to think about it 2 much... I have really good days and some not so good, par for the course I'm sure.

Wow ! Your situation and how it has made you feel sounds so much like mine. I know EXACTLY what you are saying.

I know how you feel too. But marriage vows says in sickness and in health till death do us part. But, it didn't say because you can't communicate go have sex with someone else. If you want to have sex with someone else. LET ME THE HELL GO! I don't buy that at all. I'm in the same situation and my wife had sex with another man while I sufferd from a breakdown. Within three months she through me to the curbe and when I found out about it. Oh, I didn't know if you still loved me... WTF. Don't By that mess at all. She broke the marriage when she laid down and had sex with him. I can forgive you... But, I won't forget and I can't be with you any longer... As you may can tell. I'm still angry...