Ask Me Help Desk - Not sure if this is what I want.

Not sure if this is what I want.

Greetings All,

Ok... I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years, and she is now starting to really push for marriage. Keep in mind that last summer she called a break because she was not sure what she wanted, then when she saw I was moving on with my life, she wanted to be back in the relationship. Also, when she called the break, she said that we had rushed into this.

I will be 26, and she will be 27. I told her that I want to finish my Masters Degree before I get married. She saw that as a problem, and has asked "whats the difference if we are going to be together, when does it matter when you finish your Masters?" I just feel that there are certain things I want to accomplish before I get married. Aside from all that, her parents have asked me when I plan on marrying her, and it really makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I have told her this, and she feels that I am the man, and I should be telling them what my plans are.

I have decided that I would propose over the summer and wait no more than 2 years to have the wedding from that point so I could save up enough money and finish my Masters. Well sure enough, she saw a problem with this, and started going off saying that she shouldn't have to wait 2 years, she deserves better, and doesn't want to be 29 when she gets married.

To sum it all up, I feel like I am being completely rushed, and she is taking all the fun out of getting engaged and looking forward to a marriage. As a result of all this, I am having doubts about the entire relationship and marriage. I love her, but looking at how she is getting over this, how will she be when it comes to planning children, and every other critical decision that comes from this point forward will have to be her way. I do not know what to do?? :confused:

Something that stuck out to me was when you said

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Originally Posted by SpyBorg82

how will she be when it comes to planning children, and every other critical decision that comes from this point forward will have to be her way.

Her way? But you want it your way don't you? You want to wait for 2 more years.

Can't you both compromise because that's what married people do. Instead of taking two years until marriage, how about just one?

Marriage is a huge decision! Not something to rush into. I think if you are having doughts about the relationship you need to look at that further. I'm sure she is feeling the pressure from family and friends and not to mention her own internal clock. But in the long run you need to decide what is right for you! How long have you been together? If she would not have gotten all wedding crazed would you feel this way? I also agree with above marriage is about compromise. If you talk to her and work out a compramise that works for the two of you. Also what would stop you from finishing your masters once you are married? Do you want children that is a consideration as well.

I don't understand how I can save up enough money for a wedding and a down payment on a place to live in just one year. Also, she got to have it her way when she called a break, I feel I want time to feel this out before we commit to marriage. People just don't break up, then decide to get back together and discuss marriage right away, after she tells you we rushed into this.

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Originally Posted by MrsJoseph06

Marriage is a huge decision! not something to rush into. I think if you are having doughts about the relationship you need to look at that further. I'm sure she is feeling the pressure from family and friends and not to mention her own internal clock. But in the long run you need to decide what is right for you! How long have you been together? If she would not have gotten all wedding crazed would you feel this way? I also agree with above marriage is about comprimise. If you talk to her and work out a compramise that works for the two of you. Also what would stop you from finishing your masters once you are married? Do you want children that is a consideration as well.

Since we got back together I have been examining this from a different perspective. I feel a huge red flag went up, and now I want to feel this out further before I discuss marriage. As far as children go, she wants to start as soon as we get married. I would like to wait at least one year. As for my masters, this is something I always wanted to have before I got married... and this was been the way I felt before I met her.

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Originally Posted by SpyBorg82

I don't understand how I can save up enough money for a wedding and a down payment on a place to live in just one year. Also, she got to have it her way when she called a break, I feel I want time to feel this out before we commit to marriage. People just don't break up, then decide to get back together and discuss marriage right away, after she tells you we rushed into this.

Listen, she broke up with you last summer. In the past. If you didn't like it then, you should have not gotten back with her. You can't keep bringing that stuff up. It sounds like you are finding excuses. If you don't want to marry her, then don't propose this summer.

Then I would tell her that and if she can not respect your decision or your wants than she really is not the one for you!

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Listen, she broke up with you last summer. In the past. If you didn't like it then, you should have not gotten back with her. You can't keep bringing that stuff up. It sounds like you are finding excuses. If you don't want to marry her, then don't propose this summer.

Once it is broken down like this, you hit it right on the head.

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Originally Posted by SpyBorg82

Once it is broken down like this, you hit it right on the head.

So... do you think you might just be scared?

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

So...do you think you might just be scared?

I guess I am... I am just afraid as to how my life is going to change as a result. Will I be happy or not? Will her and I be able to compromise?

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Originally Posted by SpyBorg82

I guess I am...I am just afraid as to how my life is going to change as a result. Will I be happy or not? Will her and I be able to compromise?

Yeah, I think that was what my ex was struggling with. He would wonder how his life was going to change, what he would lose, etc. I like to some it up as a fear to commit. I would be open and honest with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Try the compromising thing (even with little stuff) and see how it goes. There is always going to be give and take, you won't be able to have it all your way, and she won't be able to have it all her way.

And if you guys find that it doesn't work, then end it. But don't let a fear cause you to pick everything a part. But if you are seriously NOT happy, then don't stay. I hope everything works out for you.

P.S. Don't think about the things you will be losing, it's not much really. Think of all the things you will be gaining.

I mean, I even asked her if she wants to get married because she loves me or because she is starting to see everyone else around her getting married. She actually came out and told me that it was because of both.

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Originally Posted by SpyBorg82

I mean, I even asked her if she wants to get married because she loves me or because she is starting to see everyone else around her getting married. She actually came out and told me that it was because of both.

At least she was honest. I really don't think her answer was abnormal. You guys just need to sit and actually talk about this.