Story merged

Ok, so I have known this guy and girl for 2.5 years. They have been dating each other for that long. I was friends with the guy, but he has distanced himself from me in the past year and the girl and I have become better friends since then. In fact she has been flirting with me non stop in person lately and on top of this, in between her college classes while her boyfriend is at work she is always texting me and talking to me on IM. Their relationship is not that stable, they do fight a lot, and she always seems to become happier around me. She is exactly what I like in a girl and we have formed a great bond over the past few months and it almost feels romantic. I am pretty confused on what to do. The other tricky part is I am her superior right now (only 3 years older though and the same age as her bf)but in two more months I will not be. What do I do? The two of them have almost broken up a few times, and we actually went on vacation with a bunch of people recently, we ended up spending more alone time together than they did and I could sense the tension growing between me and him and the chemistry growing between the girl and myself. What do I do? I don't want to be that guy! But if she continues to act this way I feel like I can't resist, I also don't want to do this to this guy, but sometimes attraction is much stronger than common sense! What should I do?

Do you really want to lose two friends, so you can become the rebound guy?

No I don't want to lose two friends. My point is I am not really friends with guy anymore. Plus I would like to be what is right for her. I can feel it.

She has a boyfriend... as bad as things might seem with her and her man, they may not be that bad. My buddy and his girl argue constantly and about the most retarded things... but when they're not fighting, they look happy enough.

There are plenty of other available girls out there. Forget about this one, chances are, she is young and confused and if she jumps right in with you, there's a big chance things won't work out. However, she may just see you as another one of her "girlfriends".

Stay friends with her if you want, but there are PLENTY of other ladies out there.

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE. I was really good friends with a girl for about a year. She started dating another guy whom she had known for several years about the same time she met me. So me and her were friends for about the length of their relationship. Well me and her worked together and because of that, we spent a lot more time together than her and her boyfriend. There was amazing chemistry between me and her and I always listened to her about her relationship problems and there was a lot of sexual tension. Well she cheated on him with me and then shortly after left him for me. We had a good relationship for over a year, but in the back of my mind I ALWAYS felt like sh!t for being "that guy" and I never fully trusted her because she had cheated on the other guy, what was to stop her from cheating on me? Just something to think about.

She has a BF so "she is off limits" Doesn't matter if you are friends with the other guy or not.

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Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

What should I do?

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Not waste your time, sure its wonderful, you are there for her when things are not going well with her BOYFRIEND, almost broken up doesn't count, the point is she still is with her boyfriend, those intense feelings you are having and that chemistry is a rush, that she probably lacks in a current relationship, However think about this, when she leaves you after leading you on.. she goes right back to her boyfriend where intimacy is probably exchanged. You do realize that if you were even to consider this relationship while she is involved the same thing can happen to you, it may feel right because the chase is always better than the catch, sometimes we thrive off getting something that is off limits, and once we have it, it becomes less interesting., Understand that if she didn't want to be in her current relationship she would have ended it, and not lead you on until she knows she is over the ex. It's almost like she is swinging from branch to branch while she is holding one, grasping the next... Even after she break up with her boyfriend she needs time otherwise you would just be a rebound and there could be a slight chance that this guy may not take no for an answer which means he could be lingering in the shadows waiting for closure, like the many people who post questions on these forums. I would suggest you be her friend for now or not, but don't take it to the next level just yet... In the end it is your decision but be warned, sometimes you need to take a step back to see the bigger picture in this case take two steps back turn the corner, and find someone who is available!

But if she continues to act this way I feel like I can't resist,
What a cop out, the truth is you don't want to resist where she is leading you. Man up, and don't be led by her at all. Can't you see she is unavailable, and getting you close so when she loses the b/f your there, and broken in.
I also don't want to do this to this guy,
Then don't, by backing off, and being unavailable to her yourself. Friends is one thing, but being led by the nose, is entirely a different issue.
but sometimes attraction is much stronger than common sense!
At least you can see that! Follow your common sense, and see what she is about, and stand for yourself, and your dignity as a man, who respects himself.
What should I do?
You back off, and be friendly, but don't just fall for the charms of a female, and let her manipulate you for her own purpose. You set the pace by leading, and not just following. Backing away will give you some time to get the perfume from your nose, and see her in a realistic light. Dude, if this relationship she is in, is so bad, why is she still in it? Don't be her next crutch between romances. And yes that's what females will do. Sorry ladies.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

[B]And yes thats what females will do. Sorry ladies.

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So you think you know us huh Talniman! Well let me tell you something... Your absolutely right lol if the man allows it.. lol Well some women will...

Seriously you need to check yourself. You shouldn't even be considering any sort of relationship. First, she will just get back with her boyfriend a couple weeks after you "relationship" has lost its fun. Then you will have him hating you and she will deny you ever meant a damn thing to her. What do you have to show for all your time? Two lost friends and a reputation for messing with other guys girls.

Right now your fun and she is probably using your "friendship" in some power play with her guy. Most likely to gauge his commitment. You just asking this question leads me to believe she will probably eat you up and spit you back out.

What you should do?
Be a friend and let her know that's all you can be. You need to define your relationship not her. When and IF she does ever leave her man (she probably isn't going to anytime soon) you may consider rethinking your relationship.

Secondly, If you were ever a real friend to you buddy, you might consider what it would do to him if you messed up his relationship. Think of how it feels and why would you ever do that to someone you called a friend?

So, there is this girl, she has been dating this guy for almost 4 years and they just moved in together (I could tell she has become less happy with it). I have known her for almost 3 years as her superior. We are no longer in a work related relationship, and she is still dating her boyfriend. This past week however, we were on a trip with some friends and she slept in my bed one night when we were drunk, we kissed but did not make out and I told her I had a crush on her. The next night we had a few drinks and literally followed me to my room, we hooked up and she slept over again. Now on the travel back home we talked about what we felt and how we wanted to keep this going. We even kissed when I dropped her off in front of hers and her bf's apartment.

After I dropped her off at home, she texted me and said" It's not the same...just a side note". I am guessing she is talking about her feelings toward her boyfriend before and after the trip?

My question is what makes a person cheat? She has never cheated on him before. I feel awful, but I have also liked her for a year now and feel like I had to give it a shot, does this make me a complete , should I just tell her to forget what we did and to be with her boyfriend? Even today we have been really flirty. Do you think she just wants to hook up on the side or actually kind of likes me and wants to take a chance and leave her boyfriend?

Just wondering...

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Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

My question is what makes a person cheat? She has never cheated on him before. ...

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People often times cheat for many reasons, fear of commitment, thrills, false expectations, lacking something in their current relationship, boredom, enfactuation, drugs alcohol.. etc.. etc.. Your question should be she cheated with you, do you not think she would not cheat on you? If you pursue something with her.


A few drinks and she is into you... there are a lot of things wrong here, both of you were drinking, she is currently in a relationship, she breaks up with him to be with you, there will be trust issues, she will be confused, you will be a rebound. For a healthy relationship to work it is never advisable to leave one situation immediately into another especially after one night of drinking and flirting.

Besides I doubt if she leaves him so hastily she has an apartment with him, and probably many more things invested. If she could she would take advantage of the situation. You know about her boyfriend, she will keep telling you how unhappy she is but won't leave right away. You won't be able to enjoy your time with her knowing she is going home to him, and you don't know if they are intimate or not. You see my point here. This situation is not healthy..

I advise you to to take your time, and don't read too much into your feelings just yet, this relationship started with drinking.. and it was dishonest. And remember Karma always gets the last word, Be careful and I think it is wise that you really think about the situation before you act too quickly.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

And remember Karma always gets the last word

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And that word has not been spoken yet, I might add!

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Originally Posted by jolienoir

Be careful and I think it is wise that you really think about the situation before you act too quickly.

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I agree that thinking is a good thing, but IMO he's already acted too quickly.

Johnny--
As to why people cheat, I think Jolie's list of reasons is representative, though probably not exhaustive. The question you really need an answer to is, "Why did I choose knowingly to get involved with a cheater?"

I chose to get involved with a "cheater", because she is a wonderfu person that I really like a lot and I want to see her happy, and I know she is not happy with him.

Look, I've liked her for about a year, and have known her for three. We have a solid foundation for a relationship. As one of her closest friends I have seen her relationship with her boyfriend deteriorating over the past few months. I could tell deep down inside that she didn't think moving in with him was a good idea, they moved in together a week ago.

One thing that I can tell you is that this was not just a drunk thing, since we talked about it the next day and we both agreed that we liked what was happening. Also since it continued when we were sober the next day. Also today she has been messaging me on AIM and text provocatively.

She has NEVER cheated on him in the 4 years she has been with him. Maybe this was just a wake up call for her to get out of a relationship that is filled with fighting and unhappiness.

I do not plan on keeping this going if she plans to be with him. I just wanted to take a shot. I don't think I would have trust issues with her if we were to date.

I don't know why I am posting I guess, since I do look like the bad guy here. But I just don't know what to do next, I guess this should totally be her decision alone.

Don't be so smitten that you can't see the reality of your situation. For one you know nothing of her relationship with this guy, only what she tells you and even if its all true, its only her side of things. Another fact is she made herself available to you, and you ran with the rest, that's not love dude, that's opportunity. She has been with this guy 4 years, said she never cheated, and after a week of living together she ain't happy. This is no helpless desperate female at all but one who full well knows what she is doing. You obviously are way to close, and emotionally attached, to see her stuff stanks. I would advise you strongly to back away, and take a real good objective look at what you would be getting into, and leave the feeling aside for a bit, and let the brain work. She is not the innocent young thing you think she is and need to see things in a realistic light to make a decision, on if you want to cross that line between friend and lover, and help her cheat for the first time. Yep you would be that guy then right? If she and you, can't do this the right way, she leaves the b/f, and takes up with you, then don't do it.

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Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

I chose to get involved with a "cheater", because she is a wonderfu person that I really like a lot and I want to see her happy, and I know she is not happy with him.

Look, I've liked her for about a year, and have known her for three. We have a solid foundation for a relationship. As one of her closest friends I have seen her relationship with her bf deteriorating over the past few months. I could tell deep down inside that she didn't think moving in with him was a good idea, they moved in together a week ago.

One thing that I can tell you is that this was not just a drunk thing, since we talked about it the next day and we both agreed that we liked what was happening. Also since it continued when we were sober the next day. Also today she has been messaging me on AIM and text provocatively.

She has NEVER cheated on him in the 4 years she has been with him. Maybe this was just a wake up call for her to get out of a relationship that is filled with fighting and unhappiness.

I do not plan on keeping this going if she plans to be with him. I just wanted to take a shot. I don't think I would have trust issues with her if we were to date.

I don't know why I am posting I guess, since I do look like the bad guy here. But I just don't know what to do next, I guess this should totally be her decision alone.

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I do see your history with her and can understand how you wish it would end. But have you talked about why she moved in with him even though she was not sure. What is she really sure of in her life? She could just be checking all her options before making her best choice, or she could be 'almost' done with him, but I think you should step back and let her work it out on her own. For your own safety, don't give 100% any more unless you are certain of getting a full 100% in return... and right now, I don't see her even half-way there.

You weren't wrong in coming here and posting, you seek reassurance. But the only one who can do that is still living with her BF. So, for your own sake, set some ground rules. You've waited this long, so don't rush now..

Good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

You need to be careful who you choose to get involved with, especially someone that's already taken.

You took a risk by taking her home and then kissing her there, what would have happen if her boyfriend caught you or you get caught in the future, since your decding to keep the affair going? Do you watch the news and see what some of these boyfriend do, sometimes its deadly.

This should be an eye-opener for you about her because she seems to be in a committed relationship since they were together for 4years and now they live together!

This shows a lot of respect and intergity she has. Lets say you continue to be her boy toy, do you really think you can toture yourself like that. It will only lead to jealous, because you will be sleeping with both of you, and you might not want to share. Since you already has feelings for her it will only grow and can leave you hurt. If not her but then you could have more self-worth because its not right do this and what happens if you were in the shoes of the boyfriend? Remember a leapord does not change it spots.

If you can answer why people act out on their emotions before thinking of the most logical alternative in situation... I think you'll be 9 out of 10 steps closer to finding your answer.

All of these are great points tal and chery right on!

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Originally Posted by Leidenschaftlich für Wahr

if you can answer why people act out on their emotions before thinking of the most logical alternative in situation... i think youll be 9 out of 10 steps closer to finding your answer.

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Great response as well!

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Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

I don't know why I am posting I guess, since I do look like the bad guy here. But I just don't know what to do next, I guess this should totally be her decision alone.

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I think you posted because you want some feedback, and maybe you feel a little bad because you didn't get the response you were hoping.

Perhaps you were hoping to hear something along the lines of running off with her in the sunset and living happily ever after just as in the movies.

You do not look like that bad guy. You just reacted before thinking and as long as you open your eyes take a step back to see the clearer picture, and not jump into anything..

Before I post responses I do look at two sides, and sometimes even three sides. But in cases where someone is not available I strongly suggest you back off. Not that you are a bad guy but it can be very confusing. If you like her you will wait until she get her priorities straight she could very well be a nice girl, but just confused. Her actions alone states that, she doesn't know what she want.

If you do then you should not dig a deeper hole... you can obviously wait as you already been her friend for years.