Originally Posted by Manta_1000
I realize a lot of people have boyfriends and husbands that like to look at porn.
For the most part, I never thought this would be an issue for me as I've a fairly open mind about looking at porn (as long as it nothing illegal), masturbation to porn, etc.
However, I find myself in a situation with my current partner. We've been together about 1.5 years - the first six months were a long distance relationship, the past year we've lived together.
He's always denied looking at porn. When we were long distance, he had to rebuild his computer once due to virus issues, and when I suggested porn sites were a well known source of viruses, he denied ever having visited one. I believed him, as I had no reason not to, not that it was really an issue for me.
Once I moved in with him, I did notice that frequently, when I walked into this home office (he is a self-employed architect), he would be sitting at his computer but the screen would be blank (just the desktop, or yahoo home page, or just opening a new document or web page). Having previously worked in an office myself and knowing the routine, it seemed like he might be quickly attempting to hide what he had been looking at, but, again, I didn't think much of it, until, one day about 3 months after moving in, he was supposed to be looking up the weather (we were headed out for a hike), and I came back into the room and found him looking at porn. When he realized I'd walked into the room, he attempted to hide the the image on his computer screen with his hands, but clearly, I'd seen what was on the screen.
I was so shocked that I didn't say anything at that time, just pretended I didn't see it and went about my business. He quickly brought up the weather and didn't acknowledge anything either. About a week later, however, I decided I should talk to him about the incident, since I started to feel as though I didn't know him as well as I thought I did (having started out as a long distance relationship) - might he be a porn addict? We talked at length, and he explained that he had just clicked a link in some email spam out of curiosity at that time and was ashamed when I walked back into the room and tried to hide it. He was sorry we didn't discuss it at the time and thought it was very generous of me not to make him feel badly. He again denied using any porn, or being addicted, going as far to say that porn is "boring" and the women are "bimbo's" and claiming he is just not that kind of a guy. He has never deny enjoying viewing quality images of the female form (he is an artist, after all), but claims that porn "does nothing" for him.
At this point, I'm sure you readers can determine where this story is going. Sure enough, shortly thereafter, I discovered his porn "stash" on the computer. He'd left an image open on his computer (though minimized) labeled something like "doggy" - and since we have three dogs I clicked on it expecting to see a picture of one of the pooches. Yeah right. What I discovered was approximately 5,000 still images ( a lot of "sets") of naked women, high resolution images with a focus on the rear end. Not soft core porn, but not particularly hard core - but just a TON of images. Too many to really look at, since they all seemed quite repetitive in nature.
I did NOT confront him with my discovery because I didn't want to make him feel spied upon or further push him into hiding re his porn viewing habits or that I was attempting to control his behavior in any way. I have, instead, at different times, attempted to open up the conversation regarding porn with him so that he knows I'm not rabidly anti-porn, but, that I do want and expect him to be honest with me and to have a dialogue about this. However, he has reacted to all my attempts with denial - basically, his story is the same, that he never looks at porn, that the porn he has on his machine was installed by his brother at one time (when the brother was helping set up the machine and without his consent).
He now has a new computer, and I can tell from the web activity log that he views and downloads porn on a (nearly) daily basis, typically in the morning as soon as he goes up to "work". He has rearranged his office so that the new computer screen is no longer visible upon entry to the room claiming the change was necessary to deal with glare issues (which has some validity).
I might also mention that he is 47 years old (I'm 37) and our sex life is just "ok". I would like to have sex more often than 3 or 4 times per month (I've expressed this to him), but, often he doesn't seem interested or claims to not be in the mood because of work issues. Rarely, he will initiate, often, I need to initiate. There has been some improvement over the last six month, but, still 2 weeks or more will pass with him showing little or no interest in sex with me. I wonder if the two are related.
I'm at the point in this relationship where we could get more serious - we've talked about some shared desires for a future together, perhaps even marriage. I do love and care for him very much, however, don't want to get more involved in a situation that will only bring me heartache.
As relatively open-minded I am about porn, I never expected to be with a partner who viewed it daily and maintained a cache of 5,000 or more images, downloading new images weekly, while denying he was that "kind of guy". I suppose, even more so than the porn usage, it's the lying and deception that he's perpetrated that I feel has and will continue to drive a wedge between us. As it is, I can't get anywhere near his computer without him posturing to have me leave, which, I can only imagine, he's afraid of me somehow discovering his porn stash. It's hard for me to imagine that he can't realize that I can "sense" his discomfort and that there is something not quite right.
How can I tell if he is addicted? I suppose it is only semantics - if it is making me unhappy then who cares if it is a true "addiction" or just a overly enthusiastic appreciation for images of naked women that still must be dealt with. But, since he refuses to acknowledge (to me at least) that even looks at porn, I really have no idea how much time he spends viewing the porn that he has downloaded and therefore, the impact it has on his productivity, or how he feels about it in any way, or if it could be an addiction.
I do know that he does NOT masturbate to the porn (at least while I'm around) which seems to be a bit unusual, and, I'm also fairly certain he isn't paying for porn - just downloading free-bee's that some sites give away. After reading some other posts from women, I wonder if the best thing to do is just to walk away and save myself years of struggle and heartache, be glad I discovered this prior to devoting years of my life to him, or, if this is behavior is perfectly normal and not indicative of an addiction - perhaps I can find some way to accept it and forget about it.
