Ask Me Help Desk - I can't decide whether to stay or leave

:confused:

I have been in a stable, loving relationship with another woman for almost 10 years. We definitely love each other and have been through so much together, but the passion has not been there for me for several years. This was fine for me until I met another woman a few months ago and fell hopelessly in love with her. She is also in a long-term relationship and feels the same as I do about her partner. As strongly as I felt about her, I couldn't bear to leave my partner and told her that. It broke her heart but it broke mine too. We have tried to get over it but we just can't get each other out of our minds. I know because we keep writing even though we shouldn't. It's been several months now. I am trying to patch up my relationship with my partner, but it is just not happening. Oh, and just so you know. We never had sex. Neither of us was willing to cheat on our partners even though the love was so strong. But we betrayed them with our emotions. I have never felt so torn. I am still in love with this person and want so much to be able to express this love, but when I think of the hearts we'd be breaking... it just sucks either way you look at it. My partner doesn't want to hear about it, and says that everything would have been fine if I hadn't fallen for this woman. But doesn't that mean that something was missing in our relationship? And I feel like a real loser for not even being able to sort out my feelings or take responsibility for my actions. It's just been so long and this is the first time something like this happened to me. I don't know what to do or who to turn to.

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself these questions. Let's forget for second there is another woman.

Do you love your wife? Do want to be with your wife?

When you search for the answered to this question don't think of your wife feelings. These questions are not about her feelings they are about yours.

If it took you more than 2 minute to come up with and answer than you don't love you wife and you don't want to be with her.

I'm certain that she doesn't want stay with someone that doesn't care for her and doesn't want to be with her. Spare her the hurt and pain that your will eventually cause by continuing this affair. She deserves to be with someone that doesn't allow the passion to seep out of his marriage.

Your confusion comes for mixed feeling empathy and guilt.

You are saying to yourself, you have been with this woman for 10 years and the passions is gone but she has been there for me loyal and loving to the best of her ability. If I abandon her not it would be wrong, she will feel so cheated and hurt. This is not love!

Now, if it took you a couple of seconds to answer yes to these questions. Then you need to work on your marriage.

There are two people in this relationship and you are equally responsible for the passion. Your loves' light is dim and with counseling and communication the light could burn as bright as it was in the beginning.

This other relationship the love is bright because it's new, you talk and it's great you understand each other so well.. blah…blah.

Let me tell you something if you leave your life for this woman you will be here in another ten years. Just like this marriage its light will fade.

You really need to end this affair, explain to this other person I love my wife and I want to work it out. Tell her that you are sorry and perhaps you could see her next life time.

Then I want you to start dating your wife pretend like she is not the same woman that your go to bed with every night. Call her up, ask her about her day. Ask her when could you stop by and see her. When you come bring flowers…all the things you use to do in the first months of courting her, I want you to start doing now.

Watch how the passion is going to return.

Don't give in to the temptation... cause usually we don't appreciate things until we lose them! Don't let that happen to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenhearted08

:confused:

I have been in a stable, loving relationship with another woman for almost 10 years. We definitely love each other and have been through so much together, but the passion has not been there for me for several years. This was fine for me until I met another woman a few months ago and fell hopelessly in love with her. She is also in a long-term relationship and feels the same as I do about her partner. As strongly as I felt about her, I couldn't bear to leave my partner and told her that. It broke her heart but it broke mine too. We have tried to get over it but we just can't get each other out of our minds. I know because we keep writing even though we shouldn't. It's been several months now. I am trying to patch up my relationship with my partner, but it is just not happening. Oh, and just so you know. We never had sex. Neither of us was willing to cheat on our partners even though the love was so strong. But we betrayed them with our emotions. I have never felt so torn. I am still in love with this person and want so much to be able to express this love, but when I think of the hearts we'd be breaking...it just sucks either way you look at it. My partner doesn't want to hear about it, and says that everything would have been fine if I hadn't fallen for this woman. But doesn't that mean that something was missing in our relationship? And I feel like a real loser for not even being able to sort out my feelings or take responsibility for my actions. It's just been so long and this is the first time something like this happened to me. I don't know what to do or who to turn to.

Try your hardest to work it out. You really never do know what you have until it is gone. I know how it feels to fall for someone else and I left the one I love for that other one. But I got that one I lost back they took me back can could understand why I did what I did but not every one is that understanding and I would try and try until she is ready to say OK I guess we don't belong together. You think you love this other girl now but what if it don't work later and you want the other girl back but she don't you will hate yourself...