Right, I'm off to a party in a week and I really need some good jokes. Does anyone have one?

Okay, I don't know you, and this is more of a pick-up line than a joke, so use with care.:D

Hi, I seem to have misplaced my phone number, could I borrow yours?:rolleyes:

Breaks the ice every time.:)

What's green with wheels?

Grass... I lied about the wheels. Tee hee. Lol.

What do you call a dog with three legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

Yeah I think I'll use the one about the lip! :) Thank you so much!

Grass! Lol hahaha :) Thank you!

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Hahaha lol :) That's really good! I'll use that thank you! :)

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. " Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."

After a car wreck;

'Officer, this is how the fight started...

'I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car.. . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

'And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'.. . And that's when the fight started.

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship


1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is VERY important that these four women never meet.

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”

“I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” he asked.

“Yes, he's right here in my pocket.”

“Could I see him?”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, “I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Man those jokes are wicked! :)

Especially the last one! I believe that he is grumpy. Or just really pissed off! :)

There are three kinds of people in this world... the ones who can count and the ones who cant!

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligée. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what's the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”

I've posted these before but thought you may be able to use some of them.


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".



So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris".
He said "Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm
no Dean Martin".



So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".



So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (former World Chess champion) and there
Was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said,
"You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take
that as a condiment".



Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love
With two schoolbags, he's bisatchel?


But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can
Hardly contain myself.



Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
A couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
The other day there was a fire at the factory that
Makes them.



So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK
then", I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said
"Baa", I said "Moo", he said, "You're closest".



You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
Saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.




The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
Snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"



So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
He said, "Those are pickled onions".



So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
Up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".



But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I
Entered a competition and I won a years supply of
Marmite.. one jar.



Now did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs
In a jar of marmite it would give birth to a litter of twiglets?



So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".



You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,
He's a catholic converter. > > >


So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to
report a nuisance caller" he said "Not you again".


Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch?


So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
Wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

And my personal favourite

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload
Of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

Man walks into the doctors n says "doctor, i dont feel too well"
Doctor replies "when i dot feel well i go home n make love to my wife"

The next day the man comes back to the doctor n says "doc i feel so much better"
Doctor: "Oh Really?"
The Man replies "...Yeh n Your House is lovely !!"

What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette

Quote:

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Originally Posted by marshmellowpuff

Right, i'm off to a party in a week and i really need some good jokes. Does anyone have one?

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What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
The battery has a posative side