Ask Me Help Desk - Do I stand a chance with my ex?

My name is Jennifer, I am 19, I dated a guy for about two years. Thomas was 23 when I met him, I was 17, I met him through work, we talked and became friends for about 6 or 7months. We started dating shortly after, we did everything together, we went out probably about 4 or 5 times a week sometimes, I love his parents, my parents loved him, and our parents always hung out and did things. I went on several trips with Thomas. I've been in two other serious relationships before, and I had never felt as serious about Thomas as I did the other two guys, I still believe deep in my heart that he was the one, I mean not right at this instant, but for my future, but he was very trustworthy, and never lied or did anything to hurt me, but he broke up with me about two months ago, and he claims that the reason for that is because he has some things in his past that he says that he needs to put closure on before he is able to settle with me, because, he says that he doesn't want his past to bother him in his future, which he says that would disturb my well-being. I can't get over him. My friends tell me that I need to, and I have tried, but honestly, I can't do it. I've tried. I miss him so much, and we still hang out like once a week. I still love him and I can't put an end on this. He says that he didn't want to end it and that he suffers everyday from it too, but I don't know what to do. He says that he would still like to be with me in a while, he says that he doesn't expect me to wait on him, he says that if two people are meant to be together, then it will be.

Thanks

Jennifer

Quote:

Originally Posted by nissan_nut89

My name is Jennifer, I am 19, I dated a guy for about two years. Thomas was 23 when I met him, I was 17, I met him through work, we talked and became friends for about 6 or 7months. We started dating shortly after, we did everything together, we went out probably about 4 or 5 times a week sometimes, I love his parents, my parents loved him, and our parents always hung out and did things. I went on several trips with Thomas. I've been in two other serious relationships before, and I had never felt as serious about Thomas as I did the other two guys, I still believe deep in my heart that he was the one, I mean not right at this instant, but for my future, but he was very trustworthy, and never lied or did anything to hurt me, but he broke up with me about two months ago, and he claims that the reason for that is because he has some things in his past that he says that he needs to put closure on before he is able to settle with me, because, he says that he doesn't want his past to bother him in his future, which he says that would disturb my well-being. I can't get over him. My friends tell me that I need to, and I have tried, but honestly, I can't do it. I've tried. I miss him so much, and we still hang out like once a week. I still love him and I can't put an end on this. He says that he didn't want to end it and that he suffers everyday from it too, but I don't know what to do. He says that he would still like to be with me in a while, he says that he doesn't expect me to wait on him, he says that if two people are meant to be together, then it will be.

thx

Jennifer

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
YOU WILL MEET THE RIHGT EVENTUALLY.
(just like buying a car you don't buy the first one you see. OK jennifer)

Boy do I feel your pain. I could say this short and sweet, too, but I'll give it a little more discussion in hopes of making this clear to you.

The decision to give up drinking for some people is not a one-time decision. It's a decision that affects them every day for the rest of their life. Since they know their life is hurt by drinking and they're interested in a successful life, they do the work every day to stand behind that decision and keep it real.

Do they still want to drink. Yep, every single day. But they do the work regardless of what they would "prefer" (to drink) and do what is best (not to drink).

I have to say you are in the same boat here. All the detail you've provided help me understand just how hard this situation is for you to accept. But accept it you must... firstly because you actually have no choice... he broke up and asked you not to wait for him... and secondly because it's the right thing to do since you want a successful life.

You're going to like each of your boyfriends differently, different strengths and for different reasons. The fact that you love him so much is something you have to ignore for a moment for the sake of this discussion. You don't actually control your feeings, so your love for him is not pertinent to the part of this where we examine what is best for you, just as an alcoholic has to put his love of alcohol aside and make choices in spite of them.

You are still very young You will absolutely remember this guy forever, and all that is fine. It will help shape your character and demeanor in future relationships. But you must get on with the business of having a life. You saw a lot of great things in this guy so you know that you want to have those things in your next relationship(s), too. Go with that.

His saying "if two people are meant to be together, they will be" is poppycock. You have to spot logic like that and ignore it. If two people are meant to be together AND THEY'RE WILLING TO PUT EACH FIRST above all other forces in the universe that would keep them apart, THEN they have an EXCELLENT CHANCE of being together.

But that is a big "if". All it takes is one big issue in a relationship to undermine everything if at least one of you lets it, an issue that shouldn't have the power to do so but is given the chance/power to be that strong. Like "family opinions" or "jealousy" issues or "depression"... three things that can break up a couple that might actually be perfect for one another if not for this issue and the power it's been allowed.

Do you understand? Actually ending up with a guy that you like requires a LOT of things to come together on top of your feelings for one another for it to really work.

So, fundamentally, you and this guy simply aren't compatible. Why do I say this? Because he asked you to move on. Whether you want to or not is beside the point. He told you you must, so you must.

I won't tell you not to wait for him. I won't tell you he won't come back in te future, he might. But remember what this "awesome perfect" guy did to you two... he walked away and left you hanging. If you DO wait for him and he DOES come back, his ability to DO the same thing again will still exist 100%.

As long as you're OK with this possibility, then do what you want. If you're NOT OK with this happening, maybe you have to do what is BEST, instead of what you prefer... and look to the future and your next big thing(s).

Quote:

Originally Posted by unclesmiley

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
YOU WILL MEET THE RIHGT EVENTUALLY.
(just like buying a car you don't buy the first one you see. ok jennifer)

Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Boy do I feel your pain. I could say this short and sweet, too, but I'll give it a little more discussion in hopes of making this clear to you.

The decision to give up drinking for some people is not a one-time decision. It's a decision that affects them every day for the rest of their life. Since they know their life is hurt by drinking and they're interested in a successful life, they do the work every day to stand behind that decision and keep it real.

Do they still want to drink. Yep, every single day. But they do the work regardless of what they would "prefer" (to drink) and do what is best (not to drink).

I have to say you are in the same boat here. All the detail you've provided help me understand just how hard this situation is for you to accept. But accept it you must...firstly because you actually have no choice...he broke up and asked you not to wait for him...and secondly because it's the right thing to do since you want a successful life.

You're going to like each of your boyfriends differently, different strengths and for different reasons. The fact that you love him so much is something you have to ignore for a moment for the sake of this discussion. You don't actually control your feeings, so your love for him is not pertinent to the part of this where we examine what is best for you, just as an alcoholic has to put his love of alcohol aside and make choices in spite of them.

You are still very young You will absolutely remember this guy forever, and all that is fine. It will help shape your character and demeanor in future relationships. But you must get on with the business of having a life. You saw a lot of great things in this guy so you know that you want to have those things in your next relationship(s), too. Go with that.

His saying "if two people are meant to be together, they will be" is poppycock. You have to spot logic like that and ignore it. If two people are meant to be together AND THEY'RE WILLING TO PUT EACH FIRST above all other forces in the universe that would keep them apart, THEN they have an EXCELLENT CHANCE of being together.

But that is a big "if". All it takes is one big issue in a relationship to undermine everything if at least one of you lets it, an issue that shouldn't have the power to do so but is given the chance/power to be that strong. Like "family opinions" or "jealousy" issues or "depression"...three things that can break up a couple that might actually be perfect for one another if not for this issue and the power it's been allowed.

Do you understand? Actually ending up with a guy that you like requires a LOT of things to come together on top of your feelings for one another for it to really work.

So, fundamentally, you and this guy simply aren't compatible. Why do I say this? Because he asked you to move on. Whether you want to or not is beside the point. He told you you must, so you must.

I won't tell you not to wait for him. I won't tell you he won't come back in te future, he might. But remember what this "awesome perfect" guy did to you two...he walked away and left you hanging. If you DO wait for him and he DOES come back, his ability to DO the same thing again will still exist 100%.

As long as you're OK with this possibility, then do what you want. If you're NOT OK with this happening, maybe you have to do what is BEST, instead of what you prefer...and look to the future and your next big thing(s).

Thank you so much for your time