I can’t believe that I’m writing this, I still don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I guess it’s time I did, so here it goes.

First, for anyone that knows me on this site, you all know that I strongly believe in safe sex for our teens, or better yet, abstinence. I’ve spoken my mind about this topic many times. I think it’s time to give all of you a better understanding about me, because I also post in the Adult sexuality threads and I think I might be sending a mixed message.

I realized that some of you might think that I’m being hypocritical, preaching abstinence when I myself did not abstain. The story I’m about to tell is something I’ve only told two people in my entire life, my husband and my best friend, now I’m telling all of you, I hope that I’m making the right decision.

I was molested as a child. I don’t know when it started; my earliest recollection is when I was five years old. I was molested by my 13-year-old female cousin. I will not go into detail about the abuse, it’s bad enough that I can recall it; I don’t want those images in anyone else’s head.

I never told my parents, or anyone, not until I was in my thirties and then I only told my husband and friend. My parents are both deceased, so they can rest in peace not knowing what I went through, it would have broken their hearts.

She (my cousin) was my babysitter, my parents trusted her, why wouldn’t they, she’s family. I do remember that I started crying allot whenever my parents said they were going out and that she was coming to baby-sit. Eventually they agreed to get a different babysitter, but I never trusted anyone, I always screamed when they left.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I don’t know if the rest of my life, or the actions I took in my life are related to what I went through as a child, but here goes. When I became a teenager I also became promiscuous. I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong, I only experimented with oral and anal sex, and I still considered myself a virgin, because technically I was. I didn’t feel anything for the boys that I gave myself to; I didn’t feel anything for myself either. I lost my “virginity” when I was 17, after that I settled down a bit. Then I turned 18 and I was raped. It was a friend of my ex-boyfriend, he did quite a number on me, I never told anyone that either, not until much later in my life. After the rape I once again became promiscuous. My motto was, better to give myself to them than for them to take it forcefully. I didn’t care what happened to me. Deep down I must have cared a little bit, because I always insisted that they use a condom. Still, condoms break, I was lucky.

I met my husband when I was 19 ½ years old, he changed my life. He never pushed me into anything, he was content just holding my hand, he became my best friend, and he still is today. Because of my hubby I have been able to “deal” with some of the things from my past, it’s still there, but I have a handle on it. I think the worst thing for me was the fact that my childhood molester was female, I couldn’t understand, even back then, why she would do that to me. I was never confused about my sexual orientation, it made me angry, hurt, scared that she would do this terrible thing to me. I think that I would have found it easier to tell someone about the abuse had my abuser been male, does that make any sense? The fact that she’s female made me ashamed, even though I didn’t instigate or willing participate in the abuse. I can’t explain this the way I need to, I hope you all can understand what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, there it is. A bit of background on me. I can’t believe that I’m actually considering posting this. I guess I’m ready to tell my story, and I’ve chosen to tell it to all of you. Please don’t think of me differently, I’m still the same person, not unlike the rest of you, we all have things in our past, I just feel the need to share mine with you.

I’m scared, should I post it? Oh well, here it goes. I hope you all understand.

Reluctantly Altenweg

Dear, Sweet Alty, (this post is a letter, just for you, not a post on a public forum)

My heart aches at your story and truly bleeds for your pain. Your loss of innocence at such a young age, your years of hiding, your reluctance to get close to people throughout your life because of such a devastating, horrific action, your insecurity, and your heartache.

I cannot say anything to ease your fears or soothe your pain except I love you. I love seeing what you've become despite this. Despite your pain. You rose above it and made a beautiful woman out of yourself. A woman who is standing, surviving, and even singing despite the pain.

You, my dear, are not just a friend, you're an inspiration. An inspiration to countless women across the world who were taken advantage of as a child. You, sweet Alty, are victory personified. You have taken the broken pieces of your life and have created a beautiful, Byzantine-worthy mosaic. You have taken the ripped pieces of bread and fed a multitude. You have exhibited strength of character and fortitude.

You my sweet are a hero. Truly.

You own nothing but my true and full support and respect.

Much love,
HChicky

I'm so terribly sorry that you went through what you did. I won't ever understand nor grasp the turmoil that you went through, but I offer you my deepest sympathy.

Like HC said, you're a strong woman who personify strength and courage. I am also glad that your husband was there to help you deal with this unfortunate incident.

Keep being you.

p.s. - is it bad that I think of you as my second mother? Yeah. Probably is. Let's go with... older sister. ;)

I agree with HC. Hero is just the right word. I don't know how many people you will have helped by sharing your experiences, but I believe it will be many. I also admire your strength in being able to deal with what you have been through.

The only thing that worries me is whether the cousin is still in a position to molest young girls or has she gronw out of it. And yes I believe a 13 yr old who molests a 5yr old can grow out of it.

Wow, this is not the reaction that I expected. I am not a hero, not by a long shot, but thank you for saying that.

HChicky and Sneezy, I should have known that your friendship wouldn't waiver, I love you guys too. Sneezy, definitely older sister, too young to be your mom.

Scott - Unfortunately my cousin hasn't changed. I don't see her often and she's never allowed to be around my children. The statue of limitations has definitely come and gone as far as the abuse that she inflicted on me is concerned. I don't know what would happen if I told my remaining family about this. Her mother, my aunt, thinks that the world revolves around her daughter, even if I am believed, they wouldn't do anything about it, this I know for a fact.

My cousin never married, doesn't have any kids, but she does have a niece and 3 nephews, thankfully she isn't on good terms with her brothers, she has no contact with those kids.

Even though she lives close by, I never see her. I can't, I'm not a good actor, I can't hide my hatred for her. Close family members have noticed the strain between the two of us, they've asked me why, I just change the subject.

Thanks again for your kind words and most of all for your support. I'm still weepy, this was the hardest post I've ever written in my entire life. My hands are still shaking, but I'm glad that I did it. No regrets.

Alty

You are a true alchemist, transmuting base metals into pure gold.

The definition of a hero in my mind is someone who overcomes obstacles with grace and fortitude, who makes a positive difference in other people's lives despite their own insecurities and failures, who truly stands - even when all they want to do is lie down and cry.

A hero isn't someone who leaps tall buildings and gets kittens out of trees.

A hero is a person just like you.

Alty, it takes a lot of courage to tell these experiences, but if ever there was a place to do it, I think it is here. You are a wonderful, strong, and loving woman. These certain things that happen to us, well I believe genuinely that they make us who we are. I understand, I so unserstand what you just told us, all of it, everything! As these things are more common as you may think. :)
You are on the right track, even though we go through our days like nothing ever happened, it is still in our hearts and it helps to just sayit out loud. You just took a good step to healing. I believe in you Alty!

HC is right on. The word hero is overused in this time In my opinion. When a guy like the NY cabbie who turned an abandoned baby over to the FD is referred to as a hero (even if his story had been true) that is ridiculous.

But it took courage to post what you did, and more importantly, you did it not to benefit yourself, but others who might gain from your experience. Yep hero is the right word.

I want to thank each of you individually for all the kind comforting words. I know that this is a step that I needed to take, part of me feels better that I finally told my story, the other part feels like that 5 year old girl again. Does that make any sense?

The scary part is that my daughter is 5. I look at her and think, all it takes is one person to destroy that innocence, that pure sweet childhood innocence. How can someone look at a child and even think about taking that innocence away? I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my children? It kills me inside to think that someone could do the same thing to one of my kids, it keeps me up at night. I know about the monsters that hide in the shadows, they better not try to come here, but how do I keep them away?

This post is a major step in healing yourself of the harms of your past.

All the friends here are supportive and emotionally behind you 100%,including me!:)

What was done was unconscionable on your cousins part and the other rapists' part as well, you didn't ask,nor deserve, any of that kind of treatment, don't believe the shame demon,it is only there to be your downfall.

I don't know you, but this is a great place to let it all out,, we are a supportive society in AMHD, and we would rather be friends with the real people than the ones living behind the pains of their pasts, as was stated earlier, the past is just that, the past, what you are today is a product of it, but it doesn't define us.

Keep up the great work cleansing yourself of the shame demon and live like you have never been hurt.

KBC

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I want to thank each of you individually for all the kind comforting words. I know that this is a step that I needed to take, part of me feels better that I finally told my story, the other part feels like that 5 year old girl again. Does that make any sense?

The scary part is that my daughter is 5. I look at her and think, all it takes is one person to destroy that innocence, that pure sweet childhood innocence. How can someone look at a child and even think about taking that innocence away? I couldn't protect myself, how can I protect my children? It kills me inside to think that someone could do the same thing to one of my kids, it keeps me up at night. I know about the monsters that hide in the shadows, they better not try to come here, but how do I keep them away?

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Alty, you make total sense. ;)
There are so many steps we can take to protecting our kids from the "real" monsters. We can have friends over at our houses. We can drive them to and from where they go instead of having other parents do it. We can talk to our kids and tell them that there are such things, inappropriate touches, and words... AND she is so tiny yet, just let her have her opinions, her voice, her own personality so she is completely comfortable telling you what happens to her, good and bad. :)

I'm overly protective of my kids, the only people I ever trusted to babysit were my mom and dad, they both died in 2001, they never got to meet my daughter.

We hardly every go out, when we do my friend babysits, he's the only one I trust with my kids, he would give his life for them.

I don't want my past to influence their lives, I don't want them to grow up scared, but I refuse to let them grow up abused. I have a hard time letting down my guard, I'm always afraid that there is someone around the corner waiting to attack and take away that innocence, there's no getting it back once it's been taken from you.

I know that everything I've gone through has made me who I am, I can live with that, I don't hate who I've become, but I can't help but wonder who I would be had my past been different. I don't ever want my kids to have to go through that, but I know all to well that it can happen, it's happening to someone's child as we speak. This thought keeps me up at night, watching over my kids, hoping and praying for their innocence and that it will be their choice when to give that up, no one else's.

It's a scary world, how do I let them live in it and keep my sanity at the same time?

Alty, I wrote this a while back and made a thread in Mental & Emotional Health, but I'm not sure you read it. For me, the key to a balanced life is balancing the good and bad, the scariness and the shimmeryness, the light and the dark. You will keep your sanity because you are living the balanced life.

Here it is... for what its worth...

I wonder....

"Is it possible to bubble over with happiness and contentment, while still wrestling with the pangs of loneliness and heartache? Is it possible to be completely secure and desperately lost? Is it too far out of the realm of reason to wish upon oneself joy and sorrow? Is it necessary to understand the mysteries of the heart and believe in the possibility of redemption? I think not. For within my heart is joy and sorrow, happiness and irrevocable despair, contentment and desire. Within my soul is peace and contentment, but living in my heart is pain and loss. Did I simply define humanity? Is balance the great secret? If so, let balance reign in my heart, let it live in my soul, let it influence my emotions, let it rule my mind. For to be balanced is to be alive. I choose to be alive."

~ A HistorianChick original ~

Wow, HChicky, that was wonderful. Great, now I'm crying again. It's a weepy sort of day.

I should have done this years ago, HC your post says it all. I am full of joy and sorrow.

This post was necessary for me, I know that, but it was still hard and I feel like I'm going through the past all over again, but this time I'm seeing it through an adults eyes, not those of a child.

I'm relieved that I finally told my story, I'm angry that I didn't tell anyone when I was young. I'm glad that my friends are standing by me, and I'm sad that they have to know my pain. There are so many emotions going through me right now and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know what to do next, now that I've taken this step. More tears, and I'm not a crier.

I thought that posting this would be the end of it, instead it feels like the beginning, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Yes, it is just the beginning, but we are all here to lighten your load. You've trusted us to carry some of it and we will not shirk at the call of duty. Because you are our friend. We are all happy to carry a little of your load... and when we share the burden, we all can walk into the unwritten tomorrow with our heads high, our hands clasped, and our sights set on the shimmery future.

You know how I look at it. I am not going to put the kids in two car seats...
I guess that is as simple as I can put it. I have four kids that are protected, but I just can't see them not having good AND bad times, it is what makes us who we are. In life you don't really get to choose these things. True you can make choices to help keep you out of trouble, but sometimes the trouble finds you if that makes any sense.
HC, your post was wonderful, I feel it in my heart, thank you!

What would I do without you HChicky? What did I do without you?

Thank goodness that I found this site, it was a complete accident that I every ended up here, and boy am I glad that I did.

I'm mostly thankful that you all accept me for who and what I am. The past has made me, but it does not define me, I know this, but knowing it and living it are two different things.

I've got great support, my husband is the most wonderful man, he has helped carry some of the load, but I still feel weighed down. I know that this is the first step, I'm glad that I finally look it, I know that I will survive and go on, after all, I've been doing it for the las 32 years.

I can't tell you how much your support means to me, how much it means that when you offer to carry some of the load. Thank you, all of you, it means more than I can ever say. More tears, darn, I need more kleenex (joking helps me survive).

You've heard the song "Stand" by Rascall Flats, right? It is the embodiment of what you are. Listen to it if you get a chance.

What would you do without me? Well, thankfully, you'll never know :) Cause I'm not going anywhere! You're stuck with me, babe!

YouTube - Stand - Rascal Flatts