Ask Me Help Desk - Was I sexually abused?

When I was about 13 or 14 years old a male cousin who is nine years older than me fondled me. I really struggle with was I molested. I know that age of consent in my state is 16, but I feel guilty because I just laid there and did not fight back. I now have anxiety issues and no libido with my husband who is a wonderful man. My question is what is sexual abuse? Was I old enough to consent, or was I just a kid myself. It is hard for me to remember my exact age but I know I was no older than 14 and at least 12 years old. Thank you for your help,

Any inappropriate touching is sexual abuse, especially if it wasn't consensual. I always feel a caution here, because this is frequently an issue of curiousity, playing doctor as it were. And I wouldn't consider it abuse unless one was forcing the other. But if this happens when you were 13-14 and he was in his 20s, then that was way over the bounds. As for you just lying there, this was a person that you trusted, a relative who was supposed to look after you not take advantage of you. At that age, you were proabably still innocent enough to not truly assimilate what he was doing.

So yes you were abused and it was not your fault. What you need is counseling to help you deal with your very real and very understandable issues with sex.

Scott,
Thank you for your answer. I still really struggle with this. I have three kids and I know that it if happened to them I would kill the guy. However, I did not tell anyone about this for about almost 4 years . When I told my mom and dad my dad told me "he really did not hurt you since he did not rape you" then he asked me if I did anything to lead him on. I still struggle with was this my fault. A part of me knows that I was young and he was in his twenties and that it was wrong, however there is still this voice that tells me I should have stopped it. I don't understand why this is all coming out now,I am 26. I am happily married yet have no desire for sex. It is really hurting my husband and I hate that part! I am scared he will leave because of this. He says he won't, but I know it really bothers him. Anyway... thank you for your response.

You need to get some counseling. A good therapist can help you work through these issues and come out the other side. Even if you did lead him on (and I'm not aying you did), he should have known better.

There are a number of other issues here that I could explore, but I'm not a professional. I definitely feel a professional can help you and restore your libido.

You were a victim and need to realize that your husband is not your cousin. Even if you allowed your cousin to do whatever he did it was more likely a trust type thing with him rather than a consent. Since you are having a hard time letting go of this it would be best to go to therapy. Do not beat yourself up for what happened you were a victim.

You and I have allot in common, I just posted a thread a few days ago about the molestation I went through as a child.

Yes, you were molested, you don't have to be raped in order to be sexually abused. I was molested at the age of 5 (at least that's my earliest memory) by my 13 year old cousin. I am female, so is she. I was so ashamed, not only because of the abuse but because she is female.

I have yet to seek therapy for this, but I will, and I suggest you do the same. If you want to talk about this but don't want to go into detail on this site, then send me a private message, I'd be more than happy to talk to you, I know what you are feeling, and the sad thing is, we're not alone, there are so many others just like us.

Stand strong, now that you've let it out your are on the road to recovery, the next few days will be hard, allot of pent up emotions will come pouring out, but you have taken that first step to healing, and that's the important thing.

Take care of yourself.

If you had to ask if you were sexually abused, then you were. I would seek professional help from a doctor.

I have found a counselor and have an appointment this week. I am not sure what to expect. I do not know how talking with someone about this is going to fix anything. I am going to have an open mind and see what happens.

If it's a good counselor they will help you work through your inhibitions and learn how to move forward.

Help1981 - Just remember, a counsellor can only help you if you are honest with him/her. I know it will be hard to tell your story, but you have to get it out in order to heal, and to get the help you need.

My thoughts are with you. I know you can do this, you are strong, courageous and an inspiration. You go girl!

Help1981 I accepted help and sought help in baby steps. I had a counselor quite a few years ago. I did not connect to this person and was not comfortable with her. So I found someone else.
It sometimes takes more than one attempt to find the right person. Also I had a counselor that I spoke with on the phone, sometimes daily and had group sessions that I attended.

I thought like you at first ( why talk about it)... most people that are molested are trained by the molestor not to talk so it is only natural for you to question how talking can help the problem. Sadly, sometimes,your own family doesn't want to hear it because it is so painful of a subject.

You must understand and accept that when someone violates you that they change you. They destroy your trust. They change how you react to and trust others. They change how you feel about yourself, often the victims accept the blame for what they had no control over. I believe a lot of times we unknowingly impose more punishment on ourselves out of self loathing.
If you are having problems with intimacy or trust you owe it to yourself to examine why you feel this way. Take care of yourself and do not let anyone blame you or minimize how you feel. Good luck

The first thing I want to say is that I think you have gotten some valuable advice from very admirable people. IT isn't easy to forget the things in the past that seem shameful and embarrassing. YOU are not alone and I too experienced something very similar to what you did. I think part of me thought it was abuse and the other part thought it was my own morbid curiosity. I was around 11, my cousin was 18 or 19... I slept over my aunt and uncles they had us sleep in the same room, with my sister and his brother. I was laying on the floor and he did fondle me and put my hand on him. It was weird and awkward and kind of gross.. but I didn't stop him.. It wasn't rape and we didn't have sex but it has ALWAYS affected my relationships with guys.. and my inhibitive nature. I am a very modest person and don't want to be used or feel like trash.. maybe that is what I felt like. I think I go back to that sometimes, or I have, when I am having sex and tense up.. I can't speak or be too wild and crazy. There is a reserved part of me.. even though I may want to say or do different things.
With that being said, I didn't have parents who blamed me or thought I was wrong in any way.. in fact I never told them. But even if I did, they wouldn't view it in that perspective. They would feel that I had been victimized and they would want to confront my cousin. That is why I left it alone. So many years have passed and we have all moved on. I still think about it and allow it to bother me, but not to the level of guilt and shame that you do. This isn't your fault. Your parents are responsible for making you feel safe and loved. They should have been supportive, simply because you are their DAUGHTER!! They should have comforted you and told you it wasn't your fault. YOu are not a bad person and its OK.
Well, I am telling you that you are a good person who experienced something unpleasant. It doesn't have to define who you are. It's simply something you have to grow and learn to let go of. You can't be who you want to be, in your love life, or with yourself.. until you do. It isn't about them forgiving you for what you did. It is time you forgive yourself. Start to allow yourself to trust your husband. He can comfort you and help you through this if you let him. When you feel like pushing him away, ask him to hold you. Feel close and intimate first so that when you do have sex, you will feel more comfortable and engaged.
Think of all the wonderful things you can experience with him now that you are an adult and you are in a marriage to enjoy each other.
Ultimately, I think you are strong and you will get through this. Maybe you should talk to someone and get a professional perspective, but I think you are very capable of letting go of the guilt, a little at a time. Start to see yourself as more worthy and loving than that one experience when you were a CHILD!! Your cousin had the responsibility of being an adult and controlling himself, he didn't!! YOu aren't expected to have the experience or the skills to get out of a situation like that at such a young age.
I am glad you shared this because it really made me realize how I have felt and that I too have struggled with those same feelings, and its OK to let all of that go. Life is too short for blame and guilt, allow yourself to enjoy the life you have. YOU deserve it. Good luck with everything. Thanks for being so honest. I am going to try to let go of the pain and guilt even more now..

Thank you all so much for you help. It is nice to know that there are people out there that understand. Thank you for taking the time to post a response. I am going into the counseling with an open mind. I know that it is time to heal this and I know that my husband deserves a wife who wants to be with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Help1981

When I was about 13 or 14 years old a male cousin who is nine years older than me fondled me. I really struggle with was I molested. I know that age of consent in my state is 16, but I feel guilty because I just laid there and did not fight back. I now have anxiety issues and no libido with my husband who is a wonderful man. My question is what is sexual abuse? Was I old enough to consent, or was I just a kid myself. It is hard for me to remember my exact age but I know I was no older than 14 and at least 12 years old. Thank you for your help,

Yes,you were abused. From you what have explained, that incident has affected your love life with your husband. I suggest you talk to a pastor or marrigage counciler in reference with your problem. But you must accept that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT