I've been living together with my high school sweetheart for about 9 years now, yeah a very long time. As a very young couple, we never gave ourselves a chance to test the waters out there. For the past years into our relationship we've gone through so much, and a lot of things have changed. I'm a very shy, sweet, loving, happy, caring person and I love everyone that loves me. I love my family even through our differences, I've always been there and I'm always going to be. My parents have always had economic and personal troubles having three small kids, I'm always looking out and try to make sure they are always okay. I worked full time in a restaurant not having a car, it was some of the most difficult times in my life. Along the way, by trying to help support my family and my own home, I must admit I mistreated my man. Four years into our relationship I found out he had cheated on me, and it was very devastating. He told me he wanted some space and to me it was the end of my world because we still lived together. I went through severe stress and depression, somewhere along the way I began drinking heavily and hanging out more to not stay home alone. I never told my family or friends about my problems, because they had too many on their own. It was like living a secret life, having to smile at all times especially at work, deep inside I was always crying. I never knew I was this weak, but I realize that choosing to live in pain can make you do crazy things. I can't blame anyone for my mistakes, but I felt betrayed by my boyfriend. After a couple of months we decided to work it out, nothing felt the same because trust was gone. This is when stuff started to get worst, I began to drink more, went out to parties, clubs, whether it was with him or not. I wanted to see why he had decided to go out there without me, I wanted to see what was so much about the world that he stopped seeing in me. I became numb to love, pain and everything. I became blinded and ended up sleeping with a so called friend, who now I found out purposely got me drunk. I hanged out with the wrong people and I lost control of my life. I became the total opposite of what I was, no more smiles no more love for anyone. My boyfriend has been dealing with a lot of guilt also, I know he made wrong choices in the past, but I began to hate him so much even while been together trying to make this work. This is not who I am, I lost my way. Last year, I talked to a coworker who was living the single life, but married. I saw him twice and yes alcohol was always involved, the first time we drunk kissed. The second and last time, we did more than that and no we didn't have sex, but we messed around. The point of my story is, I messed up because I became numb. I feel guilty because this man was married and I knew it, I also in an unexplicable way did what my boyfriend did to me. I never meant to but at the end, this is how it went and this is not me. I know we were young and stupid, I can only blame me. I woke up and I want to start a new life with him, I just feel so guilty and sorry. At work, some people found out about me and the co worker, but it never went any further even though he wanted it to. My old partying ways gave people more to talk about because now I'm considered a slut. I'm human and I made a mistake, I had to quit my job because of this. Now, 9 years after all our drama we got engaged but my conscience is killing me, I told my boyfriend about my so called friend, he forgave me. I can't tell him about the coworker, because yes my actions will speak louder than words but it was all a mistake. I'm embarrassed because I've given people something to talk about, but its not who I really am. At work have made up rumors about me, and laugh/doubt my relationship. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I'm very sorry and this is why I'm here. I have no one to tell my secret to because I'm scared even the ones who love me will judge me and see me the wrong way. Yes, it's all my fault and I messed up because of the wrong reasons. I don't know how to start or I don't know if I even want to start again. I want to be with my boyfriend, and yes after all, we are growing and admit we were stupid and young. I just don't know how to not care what people say, because at the end I'm the one to blame. By me quitting was like running away and accepting my mistakes, I feel worst! I don't care if people like me, I just feel they have over-exaggerated. My relationship has gotten better, and I honestly believe that this is it and we can be happy. It's my guilt that won't let me live, and the way that people look at me.

So is your question in there somewhere?

Don't know if you are asking if you should get married or not, but if so I would say sure, get married... to someone else. Even if you think you're working through all of this stuff, it will rear its ugly head days, months, or years into the marriage. Can you really trust one another? Are you really past his behavior and your retribution? I'm not sure how long ago all of this happened, but it doesn't sound like you are really sure about staying with this guy, let alone tying the knot. From experiences I've seen like this, the sad truth is it doesn't work out. Better to move on now than wait until you have a few kids and have entwined your lives so much that you'll wonder why you got yourself there. Sometimes if you really love someone you have to set them free. You sound young. Go out and experience the world and get to know yourself without this person. It makes it much easier to define a relationship once you've defined yourself and know exactly what you can contribute. I know from experience. It works.

Boy oh boy, the situations we can get ourselves into huh? Isn't it so true that men are from mars, women are from venus, or whatever the saying is?
I was with my partner for 9 (very rocky) yrs before we finally tied the knot - which for a while seemed to only make our relationship worse. But after nearly 4 yrs of marriage we are working through our differences and I find two of the most important things in a relationship are communication and honesty.
If you want your conscience to be cleared I think you know what the answer is, but I understand your feelings of doubt - "I may lose him forever or he'll never trust me again or my family and friends will see me as disgusting." (Correct me if I"m on the wrong track.) But really the actions you and your BF have shown eachother (some more secret than others) are a sign of disrespect, and this is something a husband and a wife EQUALLY deserve.
Sure you were young, and yes, we definitely change over time, but this doesn't mean we have to grow apart. Marriage always needs to be worked on no matter what, and an old friend once told me she's been married for over 30 yrs and is STILL learning stuff about her husband! I know you're not married yet, but 9 yrs, you may as well be huh. And if your BF decided he couldn't handle the truth, well that's his right and you would know for next time what not to do right?
Don't beat yourself up about it, just right the wrong by clearing your conscience and if you say this is not really who you are - SHOW HIM who you REALLY are. This way you won't feel like you're always struggling through life trying to prove something to others.
I was always a very self conscious person and worried myself sick about how people saw me and what they were saying about me behind my back, but I've since come to realise that if these people want to start rumours or gossip then they obviously aren't true friends and as long as I am doing what I know is right in MY OWN conscience then no "whispering" can change that.
HEY!! You're not falling asleep are you? ;) Look, I'm no relationship expert but I do take my advice from a very trustworthy and reliable source that for me, hasn't failed yet, and you know sometimes, it's just a matter of treating others the way you would be treated. Unfortunately, some do not recognise this and you can't control that, but good DOES come of it... really!
All the best for your future and I hope things work out. :)

I think this is just venting frustration; there is no definitive answer to life's problems.
You need to move on, be happy. Be the very shy, sweet, loving, happy, caring person you once were. You must be happy and love yourself before you can truly love another.

Your not ready for marriage, or even a relationship, until you have found a way to love yourself. Then things will fall into place.