Hello - My ex and I split up 3 months ago and he hasn't made any attempts to see our 2 year old daughter. Nor has he supported her financially at all. The few times I've asked for help he's told me to go to child support if I want help. He has no car, no license because of 2 DUI's - it will take him 18 months to get it back, even then he has no car and we are an hour away. I suggested taking a bus or train to see his daughter to which he refused (pride). He said he'll just go to mediation and "make them bring her to him".

At this point I'd like sole physical and legal custody - I have no problem with visitation. He signed the birth certificate and a sworn statement at birth that he was the father since we're not married. I've started the child support process, but in California custody is a separate issue. What are my chances of gaining full custody when I go to file for it soon? We don't need mediation because we won't agree - I want full custody and he wants joint - yet he doesn't see her and refuses to support her. (?) I've been told that gaining full custody shouldn't be hard since he doesn't see her... any advice?

If he does not fight it, a great chance, if he fights it, and asks for joint, unless he is some danger to the child, he may get it, it is just hard to say. But he will get visitation most likely, ( he may nor may not use it)

There is just no way to tell, but you do need to file and try for it

Wed, unwed, schmed, be very careful about this, that you seek. You need to think about how it will reflect later on with your child. Unless, he is ABUSIVE, to you and or your child I don't see how (this will hurt) YOUR selection of a father deletes his parental rights. If this father is sane, i.e. does not have a history of abuse, emotional, physical, or otherwise, his lack of visits his child, and or lack of paying child support is a separate issue. Allow the child support enforcement to pursue child support, and seek monitored visitation if necessary. Utilize the child support enforcement in your area and seek out more information to assist you in how to deal with his absence. I am not an advocate for father abandonment. I believe he should be as accessible as you are to his child, but unfortunately we as mothers are still fighting for this right. In other words, if he cannot provide anything else, once he has made a life with you, he should provide financial assistance until 21,. You do, and so should he. Contact ACES in your area, and or find all the information about child support and parental rights elsewhere, but I think they can steer you in right direction

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonymous2325

Hello - My ex and I split up 3 months ago and he hasn't made any attempts to see our 2 year old daughter. nor has he supported her financially at all. The few times I've asked for help he's told me to go to child support if I want help. He has no car, no license because of 2 DUI's - it will take him 18 months to get it back, even then he has no car and we are an hour away. I suggested taking a bus or train to see his daughter to which he refused (pride). he said he'll just go to mediation and "make them bring her to him".

At this point I'd like sole physical and legal custody - I have no problem with visitation. He signed the birth certificate and a sworn statement at birth that he was the father since we're not married. I've started the child support process, but in California custody is a separate issue. What are my chances of gaining full custody when I go to file for it soon? We don't need mediation because we won't agree - I want full custody and he wants joint - yet he doesn't see her and refuses to support her. (?) I've been told that gaining full custody shouldn't be hard since he doesn't see her....any advice?

---

As far as most court decisions go what you want is highly unlikely to happen. Your asking that the courts strip the father of his rights. And in Calif mediation is mandatory before going to court for custody. Also in Calif custody and support are tied directly together but held as separate. The more time he gets with the child the less he's going to have to pay or you depending on both your incomes. After the first decisions then they are held separate but until then they are tied directly together. Also him not seeing the child at this time may not be looked at as bad as you might think depending on both your circumstances. He could always claim you were witholding the child and lauding the child over him just to see him. Be very careful with that and start a diary now. You need a lawyer right away if you want the outcome to be swayed in a legal fashion. Good Luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by califdadof3

As far as most court decisions go what you want is highly unlikely to happen. Your asking that the courts strip the father of his rights. And in Calif mediation is mandatory before going to court for custody. Also in Calif custody and support are tied directly together but held as seperate. The more time he gets with the child the less hes going to have to pay or you depending on both your incomes. After the first decisions then they are held seperate but until then they are tied directly together. Also him not seeing the child at this time may not be looked at as bad as you might think depending on both your circumstances. He could always claim you were witholding the child and lauding the child over him just to see him. Be very careful with that and start a diary now. You need a lawyer right away if you want the outcome to be swayed in a legal fashion. Good Luck.

---

Thank you, but I do not want his rights to be stripped in any way. I just don't want her being hauled back and forth between two cities. I would like her to live with me, and have visitation with him. I know that mediation is mandatory, I'm just saying I know we won't get far. I would love for him to see his daughter - he is choosing not to which doesn't make me look bad, it makes HIM look bad. I have several e-mails asking him to be in her life to which he replies that he "will when he gets around to it" - I have a hard time believing that with proof of him being negligent, proof of no contact or efforts made to see her, that a judge would look at me like I'm just playing games with him. With all due respect sir, I didn't lay down and get pregnant by myself - so parenting shouldn't be alone either. Wouldn't you agree? It just seems like you're answer was a bit on the male defensive side... but thanks anyway.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonymous2325

Thank you, but I do not want his rights to be stripped in any way. I just don't want her being hauled back and forth between two cities. I would like her to live with me, and have visitation with him. I know that mediation is mandatory, I'm just saying I know we won't get far. I would love for him to see his daughter - he is choosing not to which doesn't make me look bad, it makes HIM look bad. I have several e-mails asking him to be in her life to which he replies that he "will when he gets around to it" - I have a hard time believing that with proof of him being negligent, proof of no contact or efforts made to see her, that a judge would look at me like I'm just playing games with him. With all due respect sir, I didn't lay down and get pregnant by myself - so parenting shouldn't be alone either. Wouldn't you agree? It just seems like you're answer was a bit on the male defensive side...but thanks anyways.

---

Maybe its just the wording of your question.. "Quote At this point I'd like sole physical and legal custody . end Quote "

What that means is you have complete control of the child at all times. You make all decisions for the child and he is left out completely. To me that's stripping of his rights as a parent. Now most common situations grant a NCP ( non custodial Parent ) 50% legal custody.. That way they can participate in the child's life and have a hand in decision making. As far as the custody end goes that's a different area. That's something that isn't normally meaded out in 50 / 50 fashion and its up to the both of you to work it out if possible. A typical 80/20 custody split means the NCP might be visiting with the child for 2 evenings during the week and have possession of the child every other weekend. In Calif only overnights count toward the time split. With that said I stand by what I had said on him being stripped of his rights should you get sole physical and legal custody.
I appologize if I sounded harsh in my previous reply.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Maybe its just the wording of your question .. "Quote At this point I'd like sole physical and legal custody . end Quote "

What that means is you have complete control of the child at all times. You make all decisions for the child and he is left out completely. To me thats stripping of his rights as a parent. Now most common situations grant a NCP ( non custodial Parent ) 50% legal custody .. That way they can participate in the childs life and have a hand in decision making. As far as the custody end goes thats a different area. Thats something that isnt normally meaded out in 50 / 50 fashion and its up to the both of you to work it out if possible. a typical 80/20 custody split means the NCP might be visiting with the child for 2 evenings during the week and have possesion of the child every other weekend. In Calif only overnights count toward the time split. With that said I stand by what I had said on him being stripped of his rights should you get sole physical and legal custody.
I appologize if I sounded harsh in my previous reply.

---

Thank you for clarifying that - And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't mind sharing joint legal custody. I guess it's the physical custody I'm most concerned with. And, let's just say that (hypothetically speaking) he is granted 2 weekdays per week and every other weekend - or something similar. Because he has no vehicle or license and we live out of town, I don't see how he can adhere to that schedule. What happens in that situation? Will I be forced to drive her to see him? I don't know that I could afford to do that...

Its my understanding that lets say he is granted a every other weekend visitation schedule then the rest is up to him. Its up to him to excersize his right of visitation. Unless the courts say different but usually there isn't provisions like that unless the parents are extremely far apart. Worst case would be you meet in the middle. But again if your in Cali there is abundant ways of transportation even without a licence. I hope that clears it up. No one can truly predict a court decision so what Im saying is just a guess at best.

Often one parent can not use or see the child on all the days the court gives them, it means he will get them on those days he can, and on the other days he won't be able to, but they will be his day if latter he can.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Its my understanding that lets say he is granted a every other weekend visitation schedule then the rest is up to him. Its up to him to excersize his right of visitation. Unless the courts say different but usually there isnt provisions like that unless the parents are extremely far apart. Worst case would be you meet in the middle. But again if your in Cali there is abundant ways of transportation even without a licence. I hope that clears it up. No one can truly predict a court decision so what Im saying is just a guess at best.

---

You hit the nail on the head with your answer - there is an abundance of public transportation and I told him he could take th Greyhound, Amtrak, etc. He said absolutely not. If he made the effort to do at least that - I wouldn't mind picking him up at a bus station or something like that, but I have a problem if he just expects to kick back on his couch and have me do all the leg work. And I think it's sad that he'd rather put more effort into having a court of law force me to drive her to see him, as opposed to getting his act together in regards to having his own transportation.

Thanks!