I am now for 1.5 years with my girlfriend. It has been a difficult relationship for a long time now. We had lot of arguments that ended in big fights (never physical). When we are good she is the most lovely and caring person and I think I am very caring too. To me the pattern is always the same… it does not matter who starts the discussion (we are both stubborn) at the end she is really mad to me and tells me names and insults me, or says very harmful things (You are an “”, “emotionally numb”, *ucking idiot). This happens like once every two weeks. I never call her names but I can get agitated on trying to make a point, until she bursts. Sometimes I don’t see the discussion coming, but it comes and once I am into it; it is going to end up bad. I try to calm us with whatever, but is too late. I am living in Holland and She is Dutch and they are very straight forward persons, specially when it comes towards sharing past relationships and sexual encounters. I am not that easy on that. For me, I don't need to know the specific things from her past (although she wants to tell everything! And me to tell her everything). Truth is that I have never asked much from her ex’s as it triggers a lot of insecurities in me. I have told her this but her answer has been… “it is fine, just ask”… “I don’t understand why you cannot hear this”. She is also able to talk about good things and painful things at the same level, with the same detail, while I find it really hard to talk about failures and bad experiences.
Due to this behaviour I have she has blamed me always not to be an open person. To not share stuff and not to be interested in her things. To be very close. To be honest I feel that I could have been much more open to her but I have developed to be a more close person that I want to be. It is not that I don’t listen to her or I tell her stuff when she asks, but she wants me to keep asking her all the time…I have been now for two months in counseling and I have discovered pretty revealing stuff for me. I lost my father when I was 9 and that really was painful and still is, and I feel and have abandonment fears. Also I have not had healthy deep relationships in the past, but I feel I have been used and not really cared for. It has been really difficult for me to share, to be open as I don’t want to be hurt, to be adandoned later. I would love to be much more open and tell her and share everything with her… but it is difficult for me.. so much and she does not have patience anymore. If I talk to my shrink and don’t tell her I did she gets mad cause I am not being open. That I am not open. I tell her that I want to be more open, but she tells me.. start showing it! On top.. it is always the same pattern.. We discuss, she accusses me of not being open… she calls me names, makes it hard, tells me directly that she will start thinking in herslf first. This can go for 6 hours… Then, I tell her that I feel like a failure to her, and after I ask for forgiveness (almost begging), that I will be more open, and I start sharing painful stuff that will make me cry then she will get close to me… I feel that she really makes it hard on me as if she is grounding me and it is so hurtful. I also feel that I have not been true to myself. All the time I have said that I will change and apologise and ask for forgiveness… even when I think I am not wrong. I have the feeling that she can change the situation so I am the one to blame on not being open.
My girlfriend is now going towards lots of issues. Her father is an alcoholic that came back from rehab 2 months ago and her brother is a drug addict in rehab now (he has consumed every single drug it exists and have made her life miserable since she is a child). Lately, she blames me a lot that I don’t ask her how is she feeling… If we are at the phone and I ask her “Hey Hi, How are u?” she gots mad she says it is just a cliché and I am not really asking her on how is she really feeling or that I am interested… She wants me to specifically ask “How are u feeling with the fact that your brother is suffering a lot and is in rehab..etc”. It is crazy!! I felt so insecure and don’t know what to ask anymore anything! So I close down… so she bangs into me because I am close and there you go the downward spiral.
Couple of months ago I made the mistake of telling her two lies. They were stupid / childish lies. Truth is they are about two past relationships (hurtful for me) and I Iied cause did not want to be judged. Things like… “Yeah Last time I saw my ex was 3 or 4 yrs ago” No actually I lied it was just before I met you, 1.5 yrs ago, but I don’t have any feelings or contact at all.. I guess she does not even know I am with you”…(I tried to stress the fact that I don’t talk to her but she takes it as I am hiding her!! ) Really minor stupid lies to be honest. I rectify myself 10 minutes later and told her how things are really. Too late. She is still thinking I am a “mf liar”. She told me she has insecurities on that due to her past relationship and every time now that we have a fight she says that I want to be with my ex, that I want to go back to be with her.. it is crazy! Does not matter how I say that there is nothing there…That I love her and she is the most important person for me… still she thinks I have something for my ex.
On Xmas me were on vacation with my family and she made some scenes cause she thought that my family was not real. We were too good to each other. Nothing burst, all hugging. She told me “Get real people”. She got mad at me cause I did not talk to my mum on that vacation and tell her that I suffered a lot for my father and still am. She accused me again of not being open”. Even now one week ago, she told me that I am not open at all.. that I am emotionally numb and that I am not even an addict trying to hide my feelings and insecurities (?). Maybe this is something with her father and brother.
She has asked me for a long break now.I have not heard from her for a week. I smsed her once but as there is no response I decided for her to make the next move. I am just wondering if she is blaming me / accusing me and getting into me because of everything is going wrong in her life and the fact she has suffered that much. I love her. I do. I cannot see her suffering. It kills me. I want to be with her and I think she needs my help. Until now I have the feeling that I have made a wrong approach allowing her to blame me and hurt me and say hurtful things and not defend myself. Now I have the feeling that I have to stay truth to myself and set my own boundaries and not get into that kind of painful situations. The problem is that I don’t want to lose her and I want to help her and I am not sure that if such a drastic change in my behaviour would destroy us.

Am I being emotionally abused? How can I help her and help us? What shall I do /tell her next time I talk to her. I feel so insecure right now. I feel that if I tell her, actually the one that needs help is you and not me she will go berserk and I will lose her. What shall I do? I want to be together with her and want to help her.

Not only are you abused, she is controlling, she is selfish, knit picking, wanting everything her way.
She sounds like she wants to be your psychiatrist rather than your girlfriend. If she can not accept your relationship for who you are you should forget her because no matter what you tell her it will never be enough.
I think she needs to be on her own and deal with her own issues instead of trying to bend you to her standards. She evidentially is not the one that has it together.
When she starts you need to tell her that you prefer to live in the here and now and not
Go into past stuff that has nothing to do with anything and if she can't deal with that maybe she needs to find somebody more like her.
Short of counseling I don't think there is anything you can do to help your girlfriend because to her she will always be right and you the one that she needs to help and correct out of your supposed 'emotional numbness'.

Your girlfriend is nuts. She has driven you to therapy... doesn't that say it all??

There are plenty of young women looking for relationships; go out looking *today*.

Thanks for the time in reading and responding.

If we both want to work on our individual issues I think we might have a chance. I have the feeling that your advice is to run away. What if it is true love and we want to work for it? Thanks

Well if you want to work at it then when she starts talking about something that is going to end up in an argument you are going to have to learn to recognize it rather than let it happen and fall into it. You are going to have to nip it in the bud and make sure she can't run away with her criticisms OR you are just going to have to accept that this is the way she is and live with it.

It's hardly ever just one person. Dr. Phil says both parties always either contribute or contaminate a relationship.

Her contaminates are easy to see. Calling you names, insulting you, hitting below the belt and starting drama over Christmas with/about your family. Telling you too many details about her former sex life.
Not telling you what she wants in a CONSTRUCTIVE rather than DESTRUCTIVE manner.
She is immature with her communications skills with you.

For you, why are you so afraid to look at your painful past? What is the worst that can happen? Heck, you may even get rid of the weight from it. Like your fear of abandonment. Everybody has that! I think she wants to know you authentically, and for you to know her in the same way. That is true intimacy. There is a bond in sharing your deepest fears and insecurities with someone. Not only do you have to trust the one you are confiding in, you have to trust YOURSELF to deal with the rejection or ammunition they they MAY use against you. Really, it's all about YOUR growth. It is quite a compliment to her for you to trust her with your heart.

I say, write her a letter basically saying the above. Show her that you really love her but that you are fearful of baring your soul. Maybe you could do it in YOUR time, but if you say you will, then follow through. On top of everything else, she has seen that you are just giving her lip service. You SAY you will be more open, but you don't. Set your boundaries, such as you will not stand there and take her verbal abuse when she starts ranting. Don't even stay for the argument. Tell her, you will listen when she comes to you from a more rational position.