Ask Me Help Desk - What to do?

OK I'm just going to get right into it. I met this girl in December from a friend. We starting hanging out then I spent the night a couple times and all of a sudden we were dating, the problem is she is in the middle of a divorce! She has only been married for 9 months, she only got married to her boyfriend so that she could move to cali instead of italy, we're all in the military. Things were going good then she poped the I love you on me and the feeling was mutual and I said it back but we fell for each other really fast and I was pretty much living with here. After about 2 months of things going good she got spooked, I don't know what happened I think it has to deal a lot with the divorce, but I think she's just not ready for another relationship, she started not talking to me on Thursday and it's only been a couple days now and I got all my stuff out of her house. Now she never said she wanted space but I assume that's what she want's and needs but she won't even talk to me. I don't want to lose her but I don't know what to do and I don't want to keep pushing the subject and her pull away even more. I told her that when she's ready to talk I'llbe there and I'm only one phone call away if she ever needs anything and that whatever it is she is going through that it will end up turning out all right, I just wish she would fill me in on to what is happening. I'm attempting to give her, her space but it's not easy when we work in two buildings that share the same smoking pit and all I want to do is call her and I know it's not the right thing to do right now! :( Help!! I feel like I'm having a anxiety attack, she means the world to me and now she's not there. She's a good hearted person with goals for life. The time spent together was wonderful, we told each other everything, the emotional connection we have is something I've never been apart of, I'm only 4 years older than her and we have gone through a lot of different things, but we also have more things incommon than we are different. We're both away from our family's and all we have out her are our friends.

How can I be there for her and yet not push her away, if anything I would rather keep her as a friend than not be able to ever see her again! Or do I just let her do her thing and just wait for the day she calls and wants too see me again?

I've meet her soon to be ex-husband and he just said he wanted to see her happy and be taken care of

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Originally Posted by mbrattoli35

she means the world to me and now she's not there.

Dude, until the divorce is final, she's married. She never was there. You're nothing more than a fling, an affair. And, once the divorce is final, you'd be the instant rebound. Respect yourself more than that.

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Originally Posted by mbrattoli35

...but I think she's just not ready for another relationship

I would hope not.

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Originally Posted by mbrattoli35

she got spooked...i think it has to deal a lot with the divorce...

Or, could it be the STILL MARRIED? You should be spooked too, her hubby may look you up.

I would just text her a simple, "I'm here for you", because from the sound of it, things went fast, she has a lot to deal with, and most likely isn't ready for this.

Welcome to AMHD.com. Details help gives us a better view of the situation the more we have easier it is to advise you. It's difficult to determine what is going on in her head because I don't know how long she been divorcing her husband, how long she has been separated. How long she was married?

This relationship seemed to be on a fast track and this is not good. 2 months is hardly enough time to get to the level of sleeping over. You two got caught in the moment and she may have felt that it was moving to fast and didn't know how to express it. She may think you two needed to slow take a step back. You are dealing with someone that has been through a bad relationship. Odds are this woman doesn't really know how to communicate so the first thing you have to do is establish communication with her. Take her out to lunch or dinner something and get your talk on. It is your job to make her comfortable telling you anything once you get that point, you will be on the repair this relationship.

I agree with most things that Marriedguy said. However, saying that moving fast is bad and that two months isn't enough time to get to the level of sleeping over is stupid. I think a time frame is irrelevant. It's feelings that should determine these things. So by that theory NO ONE should get married any sooner than say 5 years of dating, no children until 5 years of marriage, and not a second child until another five years. Feelings are dictations of these things, and time frames are stupid. I'm not saying that they didn't move fast, or that this could be a poisonous relationship. I don't know. I wasn't given enough information either.

I find once again everything you need to know in your own post:

Quote:

"...i met this girl in december...then i spent the night a couple times and all of a sudden we were dating, the problem is she is in the middle of a divorce!...she popped the 'I love you' on me...we fell...really fast...i was living with her...after 2 months she got spooked...i think it has to [do] with the divorce...I think she's just not ready for another relationship...she started not talking to me...it's only been a couple days...i got all my stuff out of her house...she won't even talk to me."

Sounds to me like you read it all perfectly. You've done the right thing. Good for you.

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"I don't want to lose her...i don't know what to do...she means the world to me and now she's not there."

Oh the drama! First, you moved out, you didn't move to Mars. Of course she's around, she's not dead.

No girl you met only two months ago "means the world"... and don't bother arguing it. I know what you meant when you said that... translation: "I got used to having her around and miss her a LOT"...

That's fine and oogly, but at two months you know very little about this woman, and your feelings FOR her are sort of irrelevant in terms of knowing her. Your feelings are about YOU, and you don't control them, so set that aside for now.
[Harshness level = +3]
How can you know I'm right, that you don't really know this woman the way you've romanticized in your mind? Well, look what's happened. Feel out of the blue? Are her actions contrary to the words you've spoken in your Warp9 courtship? I bet it all feels unexpected.

It's unexpected because you two have been acting like twits, ignoring the real-life issues to play house and comfort each other inappropriately in a very difficult time. The result of this head-long carelessness is you end up alienated. You allowed... no... FORCED yourself into the role of rebound-guy. This all could have been avoided, and I bet you realize that now.
[Harshness level = normal]
And by just keeping your cool and dating her slooooooooowly and getting to know her over the normal 6-12 months, you two could have been a much greater help to each other and maybe ended up in excellent shape.

Well, you didn't, so this is where you end up.

Is it hopeless? No, probably not completely, but get your heads out the clouds and stop acting all melodramatic. If she's worth it, then keep doing the work and lighten up, for goodness sake.

ChihuahuaMomma, I understand where you are coming from but I have to disagree. There is a set time frame for every thing in life, these time frames do vary. And when I speak, I'm speaking about the majority of people. Having sex on the first is another one of those time frames. Most people will agree that this is too soon. Yes, there are people that have sex on the first date and continue to have a meaningful relationship but this is not the majority of the case. Most guys will want to have sex with a woman after the first date only to say that there wouldn't entertain a serious relationship with her because she gave it up to easy.

If relationship starts and it gets sexually to soon you skip important things. I believe people can instantly connect and develop strong feelings in short periods but they should not run to the get married. I have watched people get on this dating sites meet someone married them with in six months only to find out that person they married is not what they wanted. You take your time to get to know each other, figure out what the person is really like. I think you need more than two months to do that.

Case and point mbrattoli35 really doesn't know what is going on. Not because this woman is secretive, its simply because they did not focus on the communication aspect of the of the relationship.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn. What do you expect when you skip the important stuff, and go straight to sex. That ain't love, and now since its over, and hope you enjoyed the ride while it lasted. Now, leave her alone, and move on, with your life. Come on guy, a female who gets married for a plane ticket, and leaving her husband after 9 months, ain't a keeper, but the sex is bound to be great. Don't confuse love, with stupidity.

I just want to point out that he never said that he spent the night the first date. And that's not what I was defending.

ANd I don't believe there is a set time frame for everything in life, it depends on what is most comfortable for the people involved.

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I met this girl in December from a friend. We starting hanging out then I spent the night a couple times and all of a sudden we were dating,

From introduction, to hanging out, to sex, to dating, To breaking up. December to March, 4 months, and its over? That's barely enough time for the lust to leave. They were cheating, as she was still in a 9 month marriage, which she was already in a divorce from? Her history is about fast, physical, relationships, and moving on.

She wants her space, she knows you care and you are there, she has not attempted to include you in any way (at least not yet), you did the right thing moving out and giving her space. You just have to leave it alone and if and when she is ready she will let you know.
In the meantime if you push her for answers or pursue her you will only push her away.

She jumped from one relationship to another without stopping to get her breath or her frame of mind where SHE wanted to go from there, what SHE wanted or saw as a future for herself. She NEEDS to sort out all these questions and get direction in her life before she can have a stable future.