Ask Me Help Desk - Ex Wife of 7 yrs - does he really need to talk to her?

Hi All,
New to the site but excited I can get some outsider advise. My boyfriend of 8 months has been divorced for 4 years and was separated for 3 years prior to that. He has no children with his Ex wife and no common friends after the divorce About 3 months into our relationship he tells me about his ex-wife and how she's doing this for her job. I of course ask how this came up and he said she called him. I asked how often this occurs and he said every few weeks. I got really upset as there's no reason to keep a friendship with her - you couldn't have a marriage with her so why this? I expressed my concern as he was not happy when my ex boyfriend stopped, unannounced to me, at my house when he was there and I wasn't. Recently I decide to ask in hopes that he'd say he hadn't talked to his ex - wife and of couse yes he had and they talk business and she likes to get his opinion. I feel this is a potential wedge as well as there is no point in putting that sort of past in our present and potentially creating an issue when it's not necessary.

Sounds like the business thing is just an excuse unless he is a real expert at whatever her business is. I think knowing how his business opinions can possibly relate to helping her would help in answering. Like if he is giving her advise on how to apply for necessary things to run a business maybe he really is helping her. If he is telling her how to get along better with a boss or how to handle supervising the employees -sounds more like an excuse. If they are not getting together and keeping the calls brief and to the point there might not be much to worry about --for the time being.

If I were to look at this situation I would have to disagree with the last answer. I think that it's great when a couple can get divorced and still have a friendly relationship, you have to remember they did not meet one day and get married the next there was obviously a reason they were married in the first place. Now, I do think that you should sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel about his speaking with her for no "real" reason. Don't look too into this situation but do make sure he knows your not happy about it and if he wants to talk to her don't do it behind your back be upfront with you. If he is doing it behind your back there is usually a reason for that.

I completely agree with you Hawk, there is no reason why exs can't be friends, now on the other hand he did get upset when her ex was there so something has to give in order for this to work!!

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Originally Posted by Hawk035s

If I were to look at this situation I would have to disagree with the last answer. I think that it's great when a couple can get divorced and still have a friendly relationship,

I wasn't saying they couldn't have a friendly relationship. I was saying if she is making business an excuse to get him back and if he is showing too much interest.
Basically I was saying depends on the motive. IS it just friendly or is it going overboard?

I agree it seems like a strange arrangement, especially since there's no children involved. You'll have to decide for yourself if this is an arrangement you can live with or not and proceed accordingly. And he does likewise have a legitimate point about your ex stopping by to see you.

Some exs are friends, I speak to my EX about once every three months or so, just to see how she is and things like that. We have been divorced over 15 years.

And he is honest and tells you, I just don't see a problem,

The problem here is in your head, but that doesn't mean it should be ignored or is your sole responsibility to resolve. What I mean is at this point, the only real problem is that you don't like it. That's YOU.

So, you're in a relationship. Have you learned how to talk to your mate about things you're having trouble with WITHOUT coming across as if he has done anything wrong or it's his job to change something? This is a difficult skill to master, it is very hard to pull off.

"I need your help honey. I know we're doing fine, but knowing you are still in contact with your ex is somehow difficult for me. I'm not sure how to shake it off and want you to know so if I say anything inappropriate to you over this sometime, know that I love you and am simply trying to get past my own insecurity over it. Does that make sense?"

"I'm not asking you to do anything and of course you're free to talk to anyone about business or even friendship, but you've known her longer than me, you have a history, so it feels hard for me right now. Can you help me with this like you help me in so many other ways? You're so good at things like this."

Speeches like this are delicate. Tone is critical and you MUST be 100% sincere or he'll detect subterfuge on your part. If you don't think you can do it, don't. But if you can, several good things can result not the least of which is he diminishes his contact with her further in proportion to how permanent your relationship becomes.

There's no reason for him to give up a true friendship, even with an ex, for someone he's only dated for a few months, even a year. Does this make sense to you?

All anwers I appreciate and it does make sense about approaching it with a sincere heart. I personally don't understand his need to speak with her but you're right they were friends before marriage in college. I do however have an issue with the double standard as my ex boyfriend is a free spirit meaning I didn't encourage and have ignored his stop bys but not answering and when it happened to my now boyfriend the accusations flew. Nothing could be farther than the truth but I find it a double standard for him to defend an exwife and I was upfront about my ex boyfriend and his antics and got the whole questioning and I'm not feeling insecure with him speaking with his ex, it's more of "why"? There is so much more to life than looking back but I thank you for the responses and will approach as time passes with sincere looking glass of understanding and sharing my feelings.

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I do however have an issue with the double standard as my ex boyfriend is a free spirit meaning I didn't encourage and have ignored his stop bys but not answering and when it happened to my now boyfriend the accusations flew.

I understand, and agree, that there is a double standard. That would tick me off, and it is an issue to be resolved. Tactfully, is the way to go, but fight the urge to make this a bigger problem. Honestly though, just me, my partner had better be willing to make adjustments pretty darn fast, if they think I can be held to a standard, that they can't meet.