Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and we totally trust each other and everything is going good. He went away for a few days with his friends and when he came back he told me he went to a strip club (also he told he was at Hooters and they "unexpected" had a bikini contest") well after asking him for the 10th time if he got a lapdance while he was there he finally told me he had, but that the girl just jumped in his lap before he could ever tell her no thanks. I have never been to a strip club and find it hard to believe that they would just jump on you but i really don't know. Well I asked him how long she was on his lap and why he didnt tell her to get up right away. He said he was basically "lap-raped" and couldn't do anything about it and that he told her to get up as soon as the music went off. I am sooooo pissed right now and really have a problem with this, and since he didn't expect me to get so mad I think he is not telling me the truth about everything, I mean even if she just jumped on his lap he should have told her to get up right away not after the music went off and then tell her he has to use the bathroom. I am really glad that he told me about it, but that should give that should not excuse his behavior. What do u guys think? Is it a coincidence that he "accidentally as he says, because if his friends" ended up at all these places and I shouldn't blame him? Is this really sounding like the truth, am I overreacting, what should I do I can't stop thinking about it?? Thanks!!

Guys, I am not TOTALLY believing the story that is why I am asking opinions. Also I am not blaming his friends and I did not overreact when he told me he went to a strip club and jokingly asked (to make him feel comfortable cause I needed to know) if he got a lap dance

If it were my girlfriend that went to a strip club with her girlfriends, etc. I don't think I'ld be overly upset about it. I might be upset if she were throwing it up in may face, however.

People on the forum will probably split down the middle on whether strip clubs as a sole issue are even acceptable, and since you didn't ask that I won't open that can of worms, I'll answer your post.

What you're doing right now is the process people go through to make their relationships unmanageable. If you think that dating a man makes him accountable to you, then make sure he knows that before he commits to you.

I don't like strip clubs, but there's nothing wrong with it for people who do it "occasionally". Going there with the boys MEANS some pretty predictable things are going to occur. He told you about it, too, and I bet the stuff he isn't saying goes up in direct proportion to how much you ramp up the inquisition.

That you are pursuing those lap dances as an issue to punish him is unfortunate for him, because he has no defense. Nor should there need to be one. You are his girl, aren't you? Are you making him sorry he thought he could be honest with you?

Are you always this insecure when dealing with him and issues involving other women? You have a much greater chance of keeping your man leashed if your sexuality is a confident one, and the times he gets titillated from others can be to your advantage when you are together next. I know of wives who SEND their men to places like that so they will be ramped up when they get home... oh my! But if it works for them, who am I to complain?

This is a difficult issue, and I'm sure I could say this better, but if he hasn't broken any relationship rules you had in place (official rules, not just "he should know I wouldn't like it" rules in your head), then love your man and forgive him and STOP inquiring specifics. He went to a strip club, saw naked women, hooted and hollered with his guy friends (boys will be boys) and probably got a lap dance, then told you about it.

Use that to spice up and enhance your relationship, add some new rules if they're TOTALLY necessary, and forgive him so you can get back to being the awesome he girl he prefers ANYWAY.

Remember, you're just dating, so you don't have to punish him, you can decide you don't want to date a guy who would even WANT to do something like this and stop dating without being mean about it. He could do the same to you, decide he wants to date someone who isn't so controlling and over-reacting. Both would be reasonable responses to this situation.

Or, you two could remember you are sexual creatures, things like this DO happen and don't actually equate to cheating or end-of-the-relationship if you're mature enough to deal with it LOVINGLY. Forgiviness when no real harm has been done coupled with continued clear communication is HOW people end up staying together forever. Being RIGHT is not the path, being understanding and open IS.

It really is your choice, you know.

First of all, your man totally liked his lap dance. "Lap raped??" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

It seems as though the relationship doesn't have a sturdy foundation. You asked him 10 times if he had a lap dance? It sounds as if you don't trust him. And then he lied for the first 9 times you asked him?? Sounds like he has got to start being honest, and you are going to have to start being trustworthy. Maybe then you guys can handle the whole strip club thing. Either let it go or let him go.

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

First of all, your man totally liked his lap dance. "Lap raped??" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

It seems as though the relationship doesn't have a sturdy foundation. You asked him 10 times if he had a lap dance? It sounds as if you don't trust him. And then he lied for the first 9 times you asked him??? Sounds like he has got to start being honest, and you are going to have to start being trustworthy. Maybe then you guys can handle the whole strip club thing. Either let it go or let him go.

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He shouldn't have lied to you, but it's possible you didn't really give him a choice. If you overreacted when he told you he went to a strip club than what do you expect him to do? Add fuel to the fire by telling you he got a lap dance?

Relax and communicate with him. Apologize to him for overreacting, but also let him know that you don't feel comfortable when he goes to a strip club and therefore you would like him not to do it again. Also, remind him that you really appreciate his honesty and that it means a lot to you. After that put this all aside and move on to the next challenge you two will face.

OK... I am a simple carpenter... also a big guy... at 6'-4 1/2" and 300 pounds I have spent "a few" nights bouncing in these types of places. 1st off it is very rare I have seen a group of guys come in for fun and do anything out of line. They are there for fun and it generally never goes past that. 2nd, hell yes a woman would just jump in your lap. I have seen them do it to guys more than once......especially a group, they do it to try and get the party going so to speak........if they can get a group of guys going they can rake in a good amount of money. 3rd, you would be amazed to see ladies night.........3-4 times a year they bring in male strippers....wow......you talk about in your face / on your lap with out asking....strippers do as they please........the customers dont. If you are worried about your man having touched another woman......dont be !! That is why guys like myself walk the floor and believe me we have eyes like a hawk..........we see a guy touch....he is gone. I would not get excited over this. If a man can't get out and goof off with his friends once in a while there is a problem. I would be thankful he told you, if he was doing anything HE thought was wrong he would not have told you anything period. If you love him and want a smooth relationship........you have to trust him. Going to a strip club does not mean he dont love you, it means he is a guy, how would he have looked if he had told his buddies " Naw, you go ahead, I can't go cause the misses won't like it" I tend to believe they would still be laughing at him.
Just a average joes opinion! Relax and enjoy life, its to short to worry about the little things!!
Mike

Often when guys are together like that they feel 'obligated' to follow the pack and don't want to look like a whimp.
If that isn't the consistent pattern for him in your relationship I would just chalk it up to
A week with the boys no harm done.
Those girls are sitting in the back laughing about "what losers that gave them money"
They have no interest in 'your man'.
As far as him saying 'lap-raped' he was probably just trying to get the point across that
His space was invaded and not by his consent.
I would let it go unless it becomes a problem by him making a habit out of it or something.
Remember he comes home to you so there must be something there.

I think you over reacted, and should let it go. It would have been more positive to talk of future boundaries, but as you two are only very new in this relationship, 2 years, I don't think it is a big deal. But after hounding him, and grilling him for answers 10 times, you made your point, so let it go, and be very happy you never hooked up with a wild dog like myself, who has hooted and hollered through many a club. Honestly, he can't afford to have that much fun, and he was with the guys, so let it go. Glad you trust him, because he would really be in trouble if you didn't.

Ladycleo. Take this with a pinch of salt.
I to frequent strip clubs, I also have been involved with the strip industry for the past 14 years. Owning and use to drive female and male strippers around to private shows.
Some of the girls I've met have turned out to be just regular girls, just like you trying to earn a living.
I also have dated a couple of strippers( in a relationship with 1 at present)most men who go to strip clubs go purely for the fact of checking out what they can't have any more.
If it turns him on to go to these clubs why not learn how to pole dance yourself(there are places around that teach this) good form of fitness to, then give your man a private lap dance of his own at home.
I have learnt over the years that it's a place to go and chat to these girls because you pay for them to sit and listen and you can get lots of our chests.
Have you bought up the idea of going to a club with him and getting a lap dance together, I see this all the time(might embarrass him into not going anymore).
Hope this helps you.

PS. The male strip shows I've driven guys to have turned out far worse than any female shows.

Well... All I can say is that he did go to a club just to have a 'LAP DANCE' because all your boyfriend is trying to say is (WICH MIGHT NOT BE THE TRUTH) !
He went out with his mates and 'ACCIDENTLY' got a 'LAP DANCE'!

Or he may be telling the truth because 'LAP DANCERS' can just come onto anyone...

Honestly, I think you way overreacted in this situation. At least he told you the truth that he did go to the strip club. Lap dance, well in strip clubs any guy in there is not allowed to touch the stripper. I do not believe he did anything wrong. He was probably trying to make it sound as if he did not want the dance, but it is a guys thing. If somebody else paid for it without him knowing it. Then I am sure that the stripper would do what he said happened.

All in all, it does not matter. You know why, who is he going out with? YOU. Who does he spend his time with you. So you need to calm down and relax and appreciate that he told you the truth about visiting those places. If you overreact each time he tells you the truth then I would not be surprised if he tries to hide the whole truth, but that is something you need to work on. Especially when you say you trust him.

Well honestly I think it's a problem.
You couldn't stop him from going their but that was pretty careless of him to let some other GIRL (witch is no you a.k.a his girlfriend) dance all up on him..
I'd be pissed..