Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants a break but says she doesn't know why

(for starters I apologise for the large description but I feel I could get more help with a little background information - thanks to anyone who's helpful enough to read it)
Hi, I'm 22 and my girlfriend is 19.. We started going out before uni and we're relatively close to each other (distance wise)now that we're in uni so we see each other almost every weekend.. We've nearly always been fighting in our 8 month long relationship over really unimportant stupid matters. Our fighting "scenario" consists of me usually proving her wrong and her then telling me she feels I always reduce her and make her feel stupid at the end of our fights, but all I do is prove her arguments wrong. Anyway my previous girlfriend really messed me up and it took me 2 years to find my fight relationshipwise, I was following the "manwhore" lifestyle even though I hated it.
Anyway I really care about my current girlfriend and about 2 weeks ago we were literally all over each other, very "lovey dovey".. Then we had a silly argument again and I reacted very stupidly to it as I removed her from my relationship status in faceb**k, I then put my pride up and we didn't talk for two days until I called her and she was quite cold with me but I apologised and we supposedly worked things out but it really hurt her she said.
She then came to visit and we had a good few days but she left early cause she had plans with her friends. This didn't bother me but it did when the next week (which is last weekend in real time) she said she had plans with her friends again and it really bothered me because I was leaving this weekend and it meant we couldn't meet up for a month.
I was very bitter about her putting her friends first and it kept coming up in our conversations and we kept arguing about it.. all she had to do was put me first for one weekend and we wouldve been fine but she didn't and we continued fighting throughout the week. She eventually came on Sunday and we spent the night together and we were fine but I noticed she was different.. and then out of nowhere she wanted a break.
She said "I dont know why I dont know why im not sur eabout us anymore".. this is the type of girl that when she's emotionally overwhelmed her mind kind of blocks up and she just can't respond.. like I honestly feel if we break up she won't come to grips with the reality of that for at least two weeks. Anyway at first I was supportive of it and we cried together for a few hours before she said she's leaving, I told her you can't help how you feel but ill wait for you until you know you're sure about me.. but when she left I called her back to come and she made it difficult at first but eventually she did but she wouldn't change her mind..
After we talked about it she apparently wanted a break but she didn't want to lose me and hence she wanted to talk.. I was all right with that for a few days but then I felt really betrayed and hurt by this and I rejected all of what she said and told her how irrational she was being and how two weeks ago she was a different person but now she doesn't even know if she wants to be with me? And I gave her an ultimatum and told her to decide on me or I was out.. she said she couldn't decide so I told her I would leave her.. after talking to friends though they told me to agree on the break but tell her not to talk and to play it cool.. but the whole idea of a break confused me altogether initially because I was leaving for a month and we weren't going to see each other for a month so it wouldve been a break anyway why on earth would she call it a break? I got paranoid about her maybe preparing to dump me I don't understand...
Anyway today I called her and apologized for being irrational and wanting to dump her and I told her to actually take a break for a while and see if we end up missing each other and after we clear our heads to actually see if its all worth it.. (I HATE PLAYING THESE GAMES IT DRIVES ME CRAZY).. She's always out with her friends like 24/7 they even sleep in the same house sometimes so I'm really worried she won't have time to think about me..
When I told her I agreed with her idea of a break with the condition of us not talking she was a bit surprised and then she had the suggestion of it being open as in being allowed to fool around.. which was a bit shocking but I played it cool and agree'd to it and told her if you feel you're ready to do so then sure..
I know I'm definitely not going to call her for the next week or so and see if she comes back but I'm thinking even if she does I can't talk about our relationship.. do I wait for her to tell me she misses me or something?
What am I supposed to do?
What if she doesn't call me?
A sidenote to all this is that she dyed her hair a completely different colour... paranoid psychologists would say this is a sign that she's turning over a new leaf and she wants something new in her life.. but I dno I don't understand.. why would she want a break but want to talk to me.. she also initially said that she's afraid she's going to regret it.. and she knows she might be making a mistake..
I don't understand what to do..

Wow, that was indeed a lot of information. Do you feel at all better for typing it all out? I've noticed within my own life when I just write, I feel a little bit better.

I know the last thing you want to hear is that you are young and the experiences you are having will soon fade as you mature and experience more of life's up ad downs but I had to say that as a little disclaimer. Now that's out of the way I must tell you something I really hope you hear. This situation really shouldn't be about her, but rather you.

Please stay with me for a moment. I think your insecurities are speaking volumes and putting themselves in the driver seat of your life. I have to share with you an article I saw a while back, that I saved as I enjoyed reading it. I'm glad I saved it and I hope it helps you to take a step back and re-evaluate the value of you. The writer speaks about taking back the secure you ant the needy one who rely's on others to find happiness and worth. Though the writer is responding to a woman it is still very good advice.

1. Having your own life and your own interests makes you an attractive person. This is true when you’re dating or when you’re married 10 years. You do not want to advertise a person with a great life who isn’t ever going to be a burden or a weepy “you never pay attention to me” girlfriend and then give it all up for a relationship. That’s bait and switch and not fair to the relationship or to you.

2. If it doesn’t work out, whether next week, next year or 5 years from now, you have a life and friends and good things to go back to.

3. Men and women bond at very different places on the bonding spectrum. This is biological and innate and nothing you can do about it. The bonding spectrum goes from complete attachment to complete separation.

Think of it as a 100 degree line with 0 being complete separation and 100 being complete attachment. Women bond at about 80-90 percent on the bonding spectrum. The closer they can get to complete attachment, the better they feel.

Men bond at about 50 percent on the bonding spectrum. They fear engulfment and enmeshment any higher and they fear abandonment and insignificance on the lower end of the spectrum.

So what’s the answer? For men and women to be in complete conflict forever and ever over where on the bonding spectrum they should fall…therefore never bonding?

Will men forever be commitmentphobes?

Will women forever feel abandoned?

No. There are plenty of couples who just naturally fall into the “come here/go away” rhythm that makes for a happy relationship. But they are not the ones that have engulfment/abandonment issues. This is for those who do: I don’t know how else to explain it but when a man is secure that he will not be engulfed if he goes higher than 50 percent, he WILL go higher than 50 percent…even to 80 or 90 percent…but it has to be for a finite period and it helps if the woman breaks the bond and goes back to separation than if he feels as if he’s running away or needs to pull himself away in the face of tears and recriminations.

When his visit to the higher end of the spectrum turns ugly when he tries to move back to his 50 percent, he’s going to be less inclined, next time to visit you at 80 percent. You will feel abandoned and unloved and run down to get him and try to DRAG him up to 80 but now he is running toward 30 and eventually to 0, trying to get away from this engulfing crazy person. And you’ll either breakup or be doing this dance forever.

I also know women who say, “Well why do I have to orchestrate all this? Why can’t he move closer to me?”

Well, dear, he WILL move closer to you as long as he knows he can move away when the time comes. Even better, if he knows you will get bored with your intimacy first, he’ll be back for more in no time.

So how is this NOT a game? It’s not a game because it recognizes that the differing bonding zones are biological and there is really no reason to try to fight it. So why do women have to work on separation? Why can’t men work more on attachment? Because there’s really no payoff for men to be more attached. There’s nothing THERE for them on the higher end of the bonding spectrum. Even if you, as a woman, wanted to be bonded and attachment at 80 percent all the time, what exactly do you do and how does it remain special? Answer: it doesn’t. You’ll both get bored and/or dysfunctional and it will be a mess.

So what is the payoff for women to work harder on being on the separation end of the spectrum? Well, when you are not always trying to DRAG your guy to the closer end of the spectrum, he won’t rebel against it…and then he will WANT to be intimate and will want to get closer when you are on the higher end. So your bonding will be deeper and richer and nicer and better.

Second, whole people have whole relationships. Healthy people have healthy relationships. Having separate issues and your own friends and time apart is HEALTHY. So if you both separate and go do your thing and have your own interests and friends, you are healthy people and whole people and when you come back together it will be BLAM! Seriously.

And this starts when you’re dating and continues until you’re married 50 years. ALWAYS have your own friends, ALWAYS have your own interests, ALWAYS take time for you: alone time and time to be good to yourself, ALWAYS take some time away from the guy and the relationship that he isn’t totally crazy about (they’ll learn that it’s okay and you and him will still be okay), and ALWAYS work on yourself and the things in you that need attention. (if you have trouble being alone, you can start there).

So the idea is to not always be available when you are dating. Do not answer every call, text or email. Do not accept every invitation to every day. And do not act like this person is the be all end all of all time. Pull back a bit, physically, mentally and emotionally. When you do bond and things are good, leave sooner than you would like. Leave it good.

Leave when you really want to stay longer. Don’t linger. Be upbeat about leaving and think of it in a positive way. It’s important to not leave too early and not leave too late. It’s important to leave them wanting more.

Also if YOU leave before the guy or you start to pull away first, YOU won’t feel abandoned and instinctively try to make him come closer. If he starts to end a great evening or weekend or event earlier than you’re ready to end it, your first instinct is to get him to stay longer because you’re feeling insecure and/or abandoned.

He senses your tugging and it makes him want to RUN, not walk, to his nice little “not engulfed” corner and when he’s nervous, it’s not about 50 percent…it’s about 30 or 20 or 10 percent. This is when guys disappear and women panic.

It’s very preventable unless he has BIG issues and if he does, you need to know it’s not something YOU caused. Again, another payoff to leaving early. You’ll KNOW you did nothing wrong to cause this running off craziness.

It’s also important to go for 50 percent most of the time. You don’t want to make a man SO insecure that he loses his mind because they tend to do that on the lower end of the spectrum. You don’t want him to feel engulfed OR insignificant.

Remember, he does not want to feel abandoned or insignificant. So you can’t just disappear completely for a long period of time…but don’t be always available either. It takes practice but you begin to know what makes a guy feel at 50 percent.

When I first met my husband, he did NOT get the fact that I needed to go away, occasionally, by myself. He did not get that I wanted to leave our sweet little cocoon of new lovers. He just didn’t get it and freaked out a bit.

I liked to take a weekend now and again and go away by myself to read, relax and recharge. The first time I did it, he damn near went crazy right before I left and while I was gone. He was still beside himself the second time. Now, 11 years later, he’s perfectly fine with it. It wasn’t easy to not cave the first two times, especially since both happened in the first year of our relationship, but if I had, we’d be in big trouble today (if we were still together), instead of happily married.

On a weekly basis, I can go out for a day (six hours, eight hours, ten hours) and be completely out of touch (no cell phone, no Blackberry) and he will miss me.

He likes 50 percent which happens when he knows I’m there but not hovering and not ignoring him. He starts to feel abandoned and unimportant (dipping below that 50 percent line toward 40 and then 30 and maybe even 20! Men start to miss you and want you at 45-25, but start to think, “Screw her.” about about 20 so 20 isn’t good.) but if I come home with some food for him, he zooms right back up to 50 percent (she’s home and she has food!! ) and after he eats he’s feeling good and warm and now he wants to be close and happy…he wants his 80 percent.

So it’s a matter of figuring out how not to dip below 50 and what will get him to 80 without demand and control on your part. This is not a game. And you ask WHY? Because to you it SOUNDS like a game. It’s not. Although the idea is to spark desire in someone else, it also gives you the bonus of having your own life (because you don’t want to pretend to go out with your friends, you want to go out with your friend) and of being able to gauge someone’s reaction to this.

If a guy doesn’t want you to leave and shows signs of controlling or being a big baby, you want to know that too. If a guy has objections about you retaining your friends and your interests, you want to know that. If a guy wants you to be a no-life nobody who is only interested in you being available to him, you want to know that. And you want to steer clear of this guy.

Being unavailable sometimes and being in control of your time actually works MORE for women than for men. Although it seems like capitulating to the way men naturally like things, it isn’t. There is a HUGE payoff for women. A better life. More interested men. Healthier men. The ability to pull back and see your own life as well as your budding relationship. Nicer and deeper intimacy. This is NOT about playing a game. It’s about understanding the innate and biological differences between men and women and capitalizing on that instead of being a victim complaining about men who won’t commit. Take Charge Today. And don’t stop doing these things no matter how committed or how long-term the relationship is.

Lady wants a break, give it to her. A healthy well balanced life, is what you need any way, as you both are changing, and growing. That was a pretty long break up, that you both had trouble letting go of. But you'll both get over each other.

Thanks for the replies..
It's just this whole idea stinks I mean, just like life in general there's no guarantee this will bring her back or this will work.. so am I just postponing the heartache?
Ive read numerous posts on this subject and almost everyone says don't wait for her to come back to her just live your life and if she comes back she comes back..
But I know how weak I can get and Im afraid of what's ahead if she doesn't

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickshehe

Thanks for the replies..
It's just this whole idea stinks I mean, just like life in general theres no guarantee this will bring her back or this will work..so am I just postponing the heartache?
Ive read numerous posts on this subject and almost everyone says dont wait for her to come back to her just live your life and if she comes back she comes back..
But I know how weak I can get and Im afraid of whats ahead if she doesnt

You're absolutely right, there's no guarantees as to what the other person will do. The only guarantees are the ones you offer to yourself. Take this time to reflect on what could have done wrong, and improve yourself if you find any flaws. I feel you bro, I'm just as soft as jelly when it comes to times like this, but when you improve on yourself, you'll feel better and who knows, you just might meet someone better. If she felt things were great, she might come back. I've gotten back w/ some of my exs after 2-6 months of separation, but of course it ended again anyway.. lol.

It's just all this mention of leaving it settle for a couple of months gets me really worried.. I was thinking of more like a break of 7 days or 2 weeks of no talking... im not going to actually physically see her in a month (that is if we talk after the break and work things out).. Do you think if she makes small talk with me during the week I should insist on lengthening the break or what?
How do I play this game to get her back?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickshehe

It's just all this mention of leaving it settle for a couple of months gets me really worried..I was thinking of more like a break of 7 days or 2 weeks of no talking...im not going to actually physically see her in a month (that is if we talk after the break and work things out)..Do you think if she makes small talk with me during the week I should insist on lengthening the break or what?
How do I play this game to get her back?

I can understand your concern, but if you were really worth anything to her, a few months is not a very long time. The question is, can you handle talking to her. Are you absolutely sure you can keep your cool no matter what she says. Are you sure you can talk to her w/o resorting to begging, whining or pining? Sometimes when we talk too soon before we can stabilize our emotions, we end up doing more harm than good. I can tell you, w/ my recent 1.5 month old breakup, my ex was cold and mean to me when we first split. She flat out just didn't want to talk to me after our first few conversations. Now that I've got my emotions under control and can handle anything nasty she throws at me, act like I couldn't care less what she does, and she's starting to buckle. I personally wouldn't mention anything about lengthening out the time. I just try to focus more on what she's telling me, and base things off that. Playing too hard to get isn't a smart idea either, I'd just agree to whatever she asks for, but don't try to add to it, just my .02

That article is top notch advice.

This whole story proves that both of you are way to immature to be in relationships. It may be better for you to find yourself then be in this "rut" your in.

People never seem to notice how much they need to find themselves until they've actually done it. Finding yourself will only make the future brighter with another relationship.

What will happen is, you'll get back with her, and once all the lovey dovey happy chemicals of reuniting wear off you'll be back to your immature selves.

That's it.

Quote:

But I know how weak I can get and I'm afraid of what's ahead if she doesn't

If you deal with this from a perspective of your own fears, and insecurities, you will find yourself in a bad place, with no hope of seeing daylight. Give her what she wants, all of it, and use this time to bring balance, and harmony in your life, without her. Relish the freedom of answering to no one, and break the dependence on her to make you happy. Accept taking control, and responsibility for your own life, and let her do the same. If you don't, she will see the weak, needy puppy, that you have let yourself become, and feel no sympathy, or attraction. Don't let your emotions cloud your common sense. Love yourself enough to give her space, because you don't depend on her to be happy, but are happy within yourself, that you can at least cope with this break, in a dignified manner.

Brandino that seems like a realistic enough prediction..
I just hope we get back together and in realising that we want to be together we won't be so immature when we argue cause we'll recall this "crisis"..
That's what I'm hoping anyway.
But first she has to come back :/

By the way thanks for the article life1973happened , it is indeed true that this stands in relationships but I couldn't quite extract much from it that can help me as much :/

Thanks talaniman, but its just I know I'm going to be hooked up on when she makes contact and anticipating it and ill be thinking about it constantly and that won't allow me to grow..
I know there's no answer to that and all one can tell you is to find activities and hobbies and friends and spend time on things that keep you busy, but I just fold. When we kept arguing I just couldn't bring myself around to go out.. and she was constantly with her friends. I envy that sort of strength

All due respect but knowing is half the problem, and it can be dealt with, but if your not going to change for the betterment of you, what makes you think that this will help this relationship, so I suggest you stop wallowing in your own shortcomings, and become a lot more proactive in your personal growth, and be responsible for yourself. You don't need a g/f, you need a man to emulate, and guide you through the process of standing for yourself. Sorry to be harsh, but the picture you paint of yourself is hardly attractive, let alone tolerable. Your choice.

Life1973happened, nice information.

So how do I get my Girlfriend to 80- or 90 - I'm guessing she's at 30 and I'm at about 30. Of depression is holding her back now, and affecting our relationship. But before that I would say I was at 50 and she was at 70-80.

Any help here at all would be much appreciative. Of course you might want to read my "little journal" I've started in the relationships forum titled: "She is confused, and now so am I."

Thanks again! :D

Okay, let me do a little homework on your previous post and get back to you. I still think you need to focus on you and not worry about her right now. But let me read more about your situation.

Hang in there...

I just wanted to add a piece of information that might help some come to a conclusion..
I've been thinking about things and from what I gathered I think she doesn't want to be with me but she's afraid she might regret it.. Thats why she wanted to be on a break but to keep talking.
So I dno if my suggesting we don't talk will help..
Humbug.

How about, she still wants you around as a friend, but wants no commitment, and be single to see what else is out there. By doing this, she will never be alone. She will not be cheating either, if she decides to date others. In this situation, you put your own emotional health first, and heal, by cutting all contact with her, until you get over the false hope she will be back, and things will go back to the way it was. You need no announcement for that, because healing is about you, not her. When she asked for a break, she also gave up the privilege of you being there, for her own emotional needs. Start No Contact right now.

This is most definitely a time for No Contact.

Thing that strikes me is the fact she wanted to fool around with you without the relationship strings. I know you mentioned the "turning of a new leaf" and I would give this more credit than you have. At 19, I do believe the information you have provided supports this theory, the new hair, the friends, acting differently, etc. I think she is coming to the phase that all girls and guys do at that age, call it the exploration phase, what else is out there. I would definitely NOT agree to casual physical encounters, you care for her and that will lead to difficulties that will make what your going through now feel like a massage.

Also, some say the whole thing was immature, I've done this stuff and I'm older than you, it is what it is, we act differently when our lives are changed or when heartache visits, don't beat yourself up over that. I know this sucks, I know you want her back, and above all I know how hard it is to listen to good advice when it means you have to sit there and do nothing but hurt all day for what seems like forever. HOWEVER, if you can N/C this now, you will NEVER regret it, that is a guarantee from me to you.

I identify with situations like this and with writing on this site seeking answers that we want to hear, anything but what is being told to us. If you read a lot of posts on the site you will quickly realize that continued contact RARELY, if ever, helps. In fact, the more you stay around the longer it takes to heal and then information arises (other guys), pray this does not happen and you know about it. Everyday I read these posts I feel fortunate I got out when I did to never be informed what she was doing afterward, save a girl calling you and saying I miss you, any information pertaining to her would be considered bad news, just another painful jolt you would have to overcome. So really, your in a prime position for N/C, TRUST, walk away and do not look back. Anything less thanthatand you would be making a very foolish mistake.

I just got back from a 4 day trip with friends and I put my phone card back hoping that she mightve tried to contact me there but she hasn't.. she hasn't been on msn all day either..
So you're all saying I should move on? :/

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickshehe

I just got back from a 4 day trip with friends and I put my phone card back hoping that she mightve tried to contact me there but she hasnt..she hasnt been on msn all day either..
so youre all saying I should move on? :/

It's the best thing you can do for the situation and yourself. My ex and I are currently in the stages of reconciling, but that didn't happen until I started moving on :) good luck!