Okay I'm dating a girl and I'm a virgin. She is as well but she's given multiple guys oral sex. It's not a big deal to me but it is to her. I am christian and she wasn't when this stuff happened. I have found though that I obsess about this issue and get insecure and yes it does affect the way I view her. I really like this girl but I get so angry like I feel like something has been taken from me. Any thoughts? Thanks

Josh40, you mention in the first line that it's not a big deal to you but the last two sentences contradict those words. I have no idea what age you are but my guess is that you are young. Virginity is a gift that you you give when the time is right. Whatever your beliefs may be, I have to believe that understanding and forgiveness should be another.

This friend of yours seems conflicted and sad about her actions before she started her relationship with God. Obsessing over her past seems like a complete waste of time on your part and I'll bet she needs your support, not your criticism.

You seem like a nice young man and she a nice girl. The two of you met and became friends and you seem to have changed her in a remarkable way. You opened your heart to her and she to you. Accepting another, just as they are, is a blessing God gave every one of us. She is just starting into a world of Christianity that will be criticized, and at times, hard to keep at the center of her life. Don't make it harder for her because of her past.

We all have made mistakes and I know you know that. Look in the mirror my dear friend, do you see that imperfect reflection? Take her by the hand and walk together in grace and stand together as two people strong in their faith and love in the Lord.

Thanks for the encouragement and you are a Christian as am I. I guess I'm looking for direction since I've struggled with this issue in past relationships. I don't want to think about it or obsess but I can't stop. I've tried just about everything. I really do appreciate your words and think you are right that I can model this for her and walk with her. I think though that when I think about this which I can't stop doing that it effects our relationship and it torments me which I wish it didn't (the thoughts of her past). Thanks again for your encouraging words.

First please not another thread on what exact is a virgin.

First it should not matter if she is or is not, that is before she meet you, and her past should not be judged by you or anyone, esp if she has changed.

If she has not had sex and penetration, she is still officially a virgin, but that does not really matter, what does matter is that you are thinking less of her because of her past.

If she was the busiest hooker in Atlanta, but turned from her past, who are you to judge ?

So she may have been with someone before, you sound so selfish ? Something taken away from you? Just who do you think you are and just what was taken from you ?

It is these double standards that make you judge others beyond accepting them as who they are now. How is she suppose to view christians if you her friend will not forgive and see her as a new creature.

While I agree with everything you are saying... I know all the right answers I'm having a hard time doing it... I guess I'm just being honest about where I am... If I could just not think about I wouldn't... it's just not been that easy... thanks for your comments

Anything we face throughout our lives josh40, isn't easy. I wish I had a magic wand as I would wave it in your direction. And listen it's easy for me to offer advice but I'm not in your shoes and I know it's hard. God gives us all free will as you know. It will always be up to you as to accepting her mistakes or not. I know that it's tough being imperfect and accepting oneself is harder than accepting others. Just remember to say to yourself, if this were me, how would I feel?

You have a big heart and a sincere soul, you'll know how to best deal with your feelings. Use your faith and that gifts God has blessed you with. Whenever you get to off balance, take a moment and pray about it. God loves it when we come to him for help, I really believe that. Trust in him as you have with your life and you might find that load you carry a little lighter.

I suggest you move this conversation to the religion/christianity area-because you are sounding a little too judgemental and arrogant Josh.

I suggest you drop the christian thing because I'm sure you have done things as bad and maybe even worse than her..

"let he who is ....cast the first stone" sound familiar?

Move on mate -she sounds great and you are lucky to have a girl who is a virgin.

I agree... I guess it's not something that I can just stop thinking about... I guess I know what you are saying and that it's wrong... I'm just trying to get some help in terms of how I can stop thinking about it. Or maybe what the underlying issue is... thanks

I will have to assume you are young, as you get older what do you do if the girl you are dating is divorced, with two kids and three ex boyfriends.

As you grow older everyone will have a past, the next girlfriend may well not be a virgin and that will have to be dealt with.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I will have to assume you are young, as you get older what do you do if the girl you are dating is divorced, with two kids and three ex boyfriends.

As you grow older everyone will have a past, the next girlfriend may well not be a virgin and that will have to be dealt with.

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Thanks you are probably right... I guess I'm trying to figure out if I should say something or just let it be... since it's my issue not hers. Your thoughts... I feel like I need to get a grip on it personally since it's something I need to work through. She said she wants me to be honest with her but I don't feel like she's the solution truly.

YOU JUST LET IT BE. You never, ever, never bring up the past, esp the other persons, So you don't have to like the idea, but it is before you meet

You should back off, Josh, and just be pals with this girl.

You seem to have picked up one of the most annoying traits of fundiEv Christians---the *holier than thou* mindset. I think your attitude will be harmful to this girl in the long run.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Choux

You should back off, Josh, and just be pals with this girl.

You seem to have picked up one of the most annoying traits of fundiEv Christians---the *holier than thou* mindset. I think your attitude will be harmful to this girl in the long run.

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I don't feel better than her... that's not it... it's just that it bothers me and it's something I have a hard time getting it out of my head... not sure if that makes sense

Hell may have frozen over on this but I will agree with him, this is often a really bad issue with many christians, it is a "hollier than thou" not the forgiveness and accepting the person for what they are, as they are.
And what they can become.

Somewhere in your mind, ( and I will assume you want to be a boyfriend with her) that you want to be her first and can not stand thinking of her ever touching or doing anything with anyone else. I will have to say there is nothing we can say, this is purely your problem but if you let it effect you or bring it up in the relatinship, it is only going to get worst and worst bothering you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

hell may have frozen over on this but I will agree with him, this is often a really bad issue with many christians, it is a "hollier than thou" not the forgiveness and accepting the person for what they are, as they are.
and what they can become.

Somewhere in your mind, ( and I will assume you want to be a boyfriend with her) that you want to be her first and can not stand thinking of her ever touching or doing anything with anyone else. I will have to say there is nothing we can say, this is purely your problem but if you let it effect you or bring it up in the relatinship, it is only going to get worst and worst bothering you.

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Thanks for your advice. I think you are right and I'm going to go with not talking about it and just working through the issue myself.

Remember, she know that you are a Christian, and she probably also knows how you feel about these issue. Knowing all of this, she still told you about her past, she trusted you enough to tell you, hoping that you would be understanding. She didn't have to say anything, you would have been none the wiser if she hadn't said a word. Don't turn on her when she put all this trust in you.

You have to accept her for who she is... as she must accept you. Nobody can change the past, and if you try to hide it you are only doing both of you a disservice.

Look at it this way... she was honest. How would you have felt if this came out after you were married?

First you need to define what bothers you. Through all the posts here you haven't really dealt with that. Is it that she has been intimate with other men? Is it that she is more experienced than you? Is it that you think she is a slut? Until you can define what exactly bothers you about her past, you can't really deal with those feelings and move on.

But frankly, I'm also bothered by this Christian talk. That has nothing to do with it. The fact is that people are becoming sexually intimate at an early age. The fact that she is still a virgin (if only technically) shows she has some standards. And that's what you should be focusing on.

She may not know or even care... but 1 out of every 4 TEENS has an STD right now... you can extrapolate from there.

She probably don't even know she could get something she won't ever get rid of (Herpes) though AIDS is possible but less likely via that route. Then there is the curable stuff

Personally, as far as standards go... if she's doing either or Anal that's not much of a standard if she avoids only intercourse... Thank Bill Clinton for trying to convince people that's not sex... but it is an act far more intimate than intercourse for most of us over 30.

But like I said... she did it, and nobody can change the past. IF it bothers you and you care about her think about something's you might have done you aren't proud of... few of us are saints and most have that odd skeleton we'd wish stayed in the closet. Perhaps that can help you get over what she has done. I personally never held what someone once did before in front of them... what matters more is what she is doing right here and now, and what she wants to do in the future. As a Christian you can forgive peoples past actions if they regret making them and wish to change for the better. You don't have to forgive people for stuff they refuse to acknowledge and wish to continue doing. Something that might get you to get beyond her past.

In the scope of a marriage with two faithful partners that act is perfectly fine and not frowned upon. Keep that in mind.

When you cannot let go of something, then it's a bet you have issues to resolve yourself, that have nothing to do with her. If you can't be fair, and forgive, and forget, or at least accept, then you should do the right thing, and leave her alone, and not lead her on, or burden her with your issues. That's not fair to either of you.