Ask Me Help Desk - Should I stay or should I go?

Hi there all,

Me (21yo) and my girlfriend (20yo) have been together for a little over two years now and have, like all couples, had our ups and downs. However at the moment we are in a serious down section and have pretty much agreed to split up. I just wanted to ask everyone's advice on it really, so here goes! We live together as well.

She says that she is not happy with the fact that I am not flexible enough with her; that I don't give her enough space and that I always think that I am the one in the right and am not willing to accept her opinions on some things (like what I spend my own money on). To a certain degree I think that she is probably right about these things and I don't know why I do it sometimes but there we go!

The problem that I am having with myself is that in some ways I think that I want to be without her for the various things that annoy me about the way she is with me. But then again on the other hand I would really miss her and all the things that we do together. My days at the moment are spent debating with myself whether I should put the effort in to try and keep her or just accept that it could be for the best and let her go.

Any advice would be appreciated.

David
(Sorry if it's a little confusing... it's early! )

Welcome to AMHD.com!

David the first thing that caught my attention is that you didn’t mention once that you loved her.

I think there may be an issue with you expressing yourself. When living with someone it is very important to communicate and compromise. You two are not room mates you are a couple that live together. At this point most couples pool their finances together to pay rent and other bills. So her arguments probably hold water and you admit this.

So now the question is do you love her and are you willing to work out these minor issues? You love this girl cut the malarkey! Talk and look into couple counseling.

“There is no sunshine when she is gone.”

Thanks for your response MarriedGuy.

We do each commit a % of our monthly income to a joint account which pays for all of the shared items, so it's not like I am choosing to buy something for me over contributing to the rent or anything.

I do believe that you are probably right that I have difficulty in expressing myself and my feelings how I intend to. I am just not sure about whether I do indeed love her or not anymore; I know that I love some of the things that we do together and how we have fun most of the time but there are a number of things which make me think that we have grown to be more like friends.

For me I am just confused about what I am feeling about us seperating; whether I am upset because I don't want to lose her or whether I am upset because I don't want to be alone and miss the benefits of being in a relationship.

If only relationships were easy hey!!

Are you two sexually active? Most young couples living together are, but I don't want to assume. The reason I ask is that lack of intimacy or desire for intimacy can gradually lead to the "more like friends" stage you seem to find yourself in. I will clarify there is a big difference between sex and intimacy. You said that you have trouble expressing your feelings, this could hinder any intimacy in your relationship and that in turn could affect other aspects of your relationship. I know after a time with someone the romance fades and you simply become comfortable. Not even happy just comfortable. You need to listen to her and meet her half way with the finances space and flexability. And try bringing the romance and intimacy back into the relationship. This can go along way to making both of you happier and rejuvenating your relationship and your own feelings. And remember, you can spark the romance again and still give her personal space. Its quality of time not quantity, and sometimes less really is more.

Yeah, we are sexually active. Although with all the challenges that we have been having over the last couple of months we have not really had much of a physical relationship which has led to the problems to develop further in itself.

For me the main thing missing from the relationship is that intimacy and there is if that was present then I know that I would be more understanding in other areas! I just don't know whether we would have it in us to try and re inject that intimacy.

Another thing is that we keep having the same discussions with her asking me to change and now it would seem silly for me to say that as it has never materialised before! I don't want to be one of these people that is always saying "no...it really will change this time!!".

Quote:

Originally Posted by dodgy_dave

Yeah, we are sexually active. Although with all the challenges that we have been having over the last couple of months we have not really had much of a physical relationship which has led to the problems to develop further in itself.

For me the main thing missing from the relationship is that intimacy and there is if that was present then I know that i would be more understanding in other areas! I just don't know whether we would have it in us to try and re inject that intimacy.

Another thing is that we keep having the same discussions with her asking me to change and now it would seem silly for me to say that as it has never materialised before! I don't want to be one of these people that is always saying "no...it really will change this time!!".

Well she must realize that she can't change you first of all. And you have to be willing to change, and clearly you are not. The intimacy you lack in your relationship could be because she wants you to change and therefore can be turned off by your behaviour. SHe has an idea of what she wants and you clearly don't therefore making your relationship at a stand still... I mean if you really truly wanted to be in this relationship, you will not change for her, but at least try doing something differently to see if it gets better. Love is tricky.. you can't expect to stay the same and expect the relationship to get better. Changing and growing goes hand in hand So you get my point? You can't stay the same person and expect everything around you to get better it gets routine...

But if you are not ready and you want to be the same person, then don't really expect to go anywhere... If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone... Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely

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I am upset because I don't want to be alone and miss the benefits of being in a relationship.

I rest my case.