Hi... my husband has been using internet pornography for a very long time. I've confronted him several times, first to get it is just something guys do... years later... It's just a bad habit, now I am finally getting that he is addicted. He went to see a counselor about it maybe two times... then it because a marriage counseling session but we never speak of his addiction. I again caught him on the porn sites the other day and now he tells me (after I caught him) how well he is doing... 3 days and no porn and he is going to stop. I'm sorry but I just can't believe him anymore... He tells me he can't afford to go to counseling anymore... can't afford the time off from work with us going to couples sessions. I told him maybe we should quit those sessions and him focus on his addiciton but he doesn't believe so. He never speaks of it... only talks about it when I catch him... I don't understand the addiction and I'm feeling like I need to leave this marriage. Help...

Your husband is being selfish and choosing his desires over your marriage. He needs to make the decision to change; if he doesn't, then you need to make the decision whether you can tolerate it for the rest of your life.

I will add that I am a guy and I have looked a porn on some occasions. Not for a long time now. I really don't know how your relationship is with your husband but it could just be nothing. Guys are guys. What can we say. I know this is no excuse. How about a really good site down and have a drink or two. Talk about it openly and rationally. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Try to be open minded. Anyway I am no expert but I thought it was a good point to add.

Yes, almost all men do look at porn but this sounds like this is more than just the occasional glance. They've gone to counseling multiple times and he keeps doing it time and again; something's wrong with his priorities. If it bothers his wife that much, then he should be willing to give it up, but he's not. She needs to make a decision whether she's willing to continue to tolerate his constant selfishness.

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Originally Posted by this8384

Yes, almost all men do look at porn but this sounds like this is more than just the occasional glance. They've gone to counseling multiple times and he keeps doing it time and again; something's wrong with his priorities. If it bothers his wife that much, then he should be willing to give it up, but he's not. She needs to make a decision whether she's willing to continue to tolerate his constant selfishness.

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I agree with you on that aspect. But communication is the key. It could also be that she doesn't satisfy him, or a many other million reasons or issues.
It was a thought that's all. I hope it works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by Scottish2008

It could also be that she doesn't satisfy him, or a many other million reasons or issues.

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That's not even close to an excuse for his behavior. I'm not trying to pick apart everything you say, but that's a terrible thing to even type. Just because you don't like the things your spouse is doing(or not doing), you don't turn around and turn into a porn freak.

Again, not trying to be combative; I just like to state my opinion :)

Its only as "ok" as both partners see it as such.

While most people aren't perfectly lock-in-step with their partners on every sexual point... for ex, there are some things, even fetishes, I like that my partner doesn't... and its common for us to compromise from time to time... such as letting a partner take a favored position that you don't care for so much... its about balance.

Guys are visual apes and are generally (not always) more aroused by visual stimuli. But when it becomes a problem in the relationship... when it is distracting emotional and physical connections... it is damaging and disrespectful.

My partner, for ex, has a real problem with strip clubs. Just hates them. Now... its not like I ever frequented them before her... but I've actually ducked out of a bach. Party early to respect her wishes.

I'm also not perfect. I've seen enough pics of naked women, and even porn, to know what's out there. Once she saw a pretty rough site id been to and confronted me. In that case, id been to a site that showcases old cars, had a link to a soft porn site, and followed it. Next thing I know, its rough stuff. I looked for a time and left. She was really upset. We talked it out. I respect her wishes and for the most part don't think it's a problem.

I know where her lines are and I mostly follow them. When its crossed, its where my line is and she compromises by letting it pass.

So... can you tell me why this is an issue for you. Understand, I'm not trying to pick you apart... just understand how this bothers you.

Is there an issue in your bedroom? Is he an attentive lover? Can he get you to orgasm? Does he seem to want to satisfy you? Not "is it perfect" but is he reasonably trying, making an effort to please you?

Is this about self esteem? Feeling inadequate (the most common "complaint" when women write in here)? Like he needs more than you?

Is it about trust? Respect?

Don't be afraid to talk it out here. It can help.

I don't think my partner would leave me over "basic-run-of0the-mill" porn... meaning sexual acts that are acceptable in our bedroom. Now... she might leave me over sexual neglect.

Some might be surprised at that... as I often say I'm in a great relationship. Well.. I am. But she's not ready to be asexual or delegated to a "roommate"... and when it doesn't have to be that way, and you choose it to be that way... then it's a problem.

If I couldn't attend to her because of health or physical problems, but I mentally desired to please her, no problem. But when I step away from her willingly, and choose to place a wall between us... I think she'd say its time to step up or out. Its not shallow. She, and I, place a lot of meaning on the emotional and mental connection that is shared with a healthy, passionate sex life that comes from effort, work, and love.

So... addictions take their toll on the spouse in a lot of ways. Sounds to me like you are hurt on a lot of levels.

Is there any compromise you could see that would work?

Thanks everyone for your comments. I will add that we haven't made love for over 5 years and that it's been more than that since he's been on porn. It wasn't my call to stop making love, it was all him. I often thought it initially started because I wanted another child and he did not. He told me that was not the reason. To be honest, I've heard all sorts of reasons from him in the past years. We rarely talk about it because he never brings it up. And when I do, it is usually because I'm so frustrated I cannot stand it anymore... but not matter how the conversations starts, it ends up with him stopping the conversation. He doesn't want to talk about it. I've been the blame of it all and to be honest, I just don't think he can face the truth. It first started because of me wanting another child, then it was because he couldn't get it up... then it was because we weren't really friends... always fighting... then it was because he said I was fat.. (I am by no means fat!)... but maybe he would rather have someone younger and thinner... who knows... but he chose to marry me... We have a son also and he spends more time on the computer than with his son or me... or he is in front of the TV. I think he's depressed but he won't admit that... Bottom line, from my perspective he can't admit his faults, so finds a way to justify them by blaming me... I know it's really my decision whether I stay or leave... it's just hard because of our son. To be honest... I am ready to leave... and if I did not have my son, I would have been long gone...

Sorry, tough love, I was suggesting counseling for you, so you could make a decision on weather this situation was worth the heartache you seem to be going through. (The "Dieting Information", is just signature information, nutrition information is for another subject altogether-- not concerned with you or your son, sorry you misunderstood.)

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Originally Posted by toughlove1103

Hi...my husband has been using internet pornography for a very long time. I've confronted him several times, first to get it is just something guys do...years later.....It's just a bad habit, now I am finally getting that he is addicted. He went to see a counselor about it maybe two times...then it because a marriage counseling session but we never speak of his addiction. I again caught him on the porn sites the other day and now he tells me (after I caught him) how well he is doing....3 days and no porn and he is going to stop. I'm sorry but I just can't believe him anymore... He tells me he can't afford to go to counseling anymore...can't afford the time off from work with us going to couples sessions. I told him maybe we should quit those sessions and him focus on his addiciton but he doesn't believe so. He never speaks of it...only talks about it when I catch him...I don't understand the addiction and I'm feeling like I need to leave this marriage. Help...

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I think your husband has a serious problem, and it is taking a hurtful toll on your marriage. I think you should warn him, the addiction is taking the marriage for granted, then slowly withdraw.

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Originally Posted by toughlove1103

Hi...my husband has been using internet pornography for a very long time. I've confronted him several times, first to get it is just something guys do...years later.....It's just a bad habit, now I am finally getting that he is addicted. He went to see a counselor about it maybe two times...then it because a marriage counseling session but we never speak of his addiction. I again caught him on the porn sites the other day and now he tells me (after I caught him) how well he is doing....3 days and no porn and he is going to stop. I'm sorry but I just can't believe him anymore... He tells me he can't afford to go to counseling anymore...can't afford the time off from work with us going to couples sessions. I told him maybe we should quit those sessions and him focus on his addiciton but he doesn't believe so. He never speaks of it...only talks about it when I catch him...I don't understand the addiction and I'm feeling like I need to leave this marriage. Help...

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Sorry 2 say but I devorced my ex-hubby for that same problem!! There s no trust, you will never trust him again. If I were you I would find you someone that will love you and make love to you, and not get mad and pull you down.just take your kids and leave and count your losses...
But 1st get rid of internet service , and either move him out or you go some where.

This isn't about porn, its about two people who don't communicate, or work together. Take a break, a separation, and give yourself time to catch your breathe, both of you, and see if a fresh perspective can be gained. 3 weeks away from each other, no contact.

"mysonsproblem", what I was suggesting was that "she," seek counseling! I read, clearly that he went, -they- had marriage counseling, and -he- refused to continue, I suggest, again that "she" go and maybe-- seek --other answers, there may be no cure for him and perhaps she needs to move on! Read, again--- mysons problem--- my answer and maybe you'll get it! Giving me a negative, review doesn't change my opinion! It's just your opinion vs mine!

I think you need the support of other people whose spouses suffer from a porn addiction, or any addiction for that matter.

I don't know if there are any 12 Step Programs (like al-anon for spouses of alcoholics)for spouses of the porn addicted, but you would do very well in a group that would help you with your feelings of isolation and would help you get educated about the problem of addiction.

Very best wishes, :)

Well first a porn blocker where he does not know the password on all the home computers will sure put a stop cold tukey and make him address his addiction. And sleeping on the couch if he does not start getting help would be the second though

Well, I don't know, there are two sides to this question. I would advise attempting to spice up the sex life, and see if that works. It's likely that he just doesn't see it as a big issue, and you need to express your feelings to him.

If he can't stop, and actually wants to a shrink might be the answer. Alternatively, making some marital porn for him. But you need to decide whether this is a leaving issue or not... because he might not even want to stop.

As one who personally dealt with this issue I can speak from a place of personal knowledge. For me, the underlying issue turned out to be a way to avoid having to deal with certain feelings. In my case, emotional closeness was also involved and porn was my way to tune out and insulate myself from having to "feel"; I was safe inside my little fantasy world and the endorphines I got from an orgasm were great at reinforcing that this was a desirable place to be.

The trouble was (and I had no clue that this was occurring, denial is a *sarcastic* wonderful thing) that I was alienating my wife, and ultimately hurt her severely though my lies and the trust I ruined.

For me, I got involved with a 12-step group through my church and have nothing but the best to say about how it can help to start to break down the defenses and lies that we even tell ourselves about how this isn't "hurting anyone", etc.

These groups are both secular and non-secular and have been around for a long time. There is SAA, SA and others out there and the program that I found is based upon a Christ foundation is called Celebrate Recovery. All are good and all accept folks who are willing to look into this and determine if this really is a problem in their own lives or not.

Again. In my case, my spouse had parallel issues of her own which enabled us both to keep a certain "dance" going on and it was each of us that had our own part to explore and learn to do things differently in order to not keep that old dance going. I mention this because generally speaking, both people have something to contribute in a relationship with problems. This may or may not be the case in yours but even if you are without any part you may be able to go as a support to get him to a meeting and find something there that allows you to heal from this as well.

Good luck and I hope this was helpful