Ask Me Help Desk - Wife still loves Exboyfriend / phones him all the time

Folks, I need advice and I'm willing to read what others have to say about this.
What do I do with the EX that doesn't go away and doesn't move on?
My wife and I have been married for just over 7 years and we have two beautiful little girls ages 3 and 6. My wife and I met through my best friend at the time who was with her for 5-6 years in a serious relationship. They had intended on getting married but then she broke it off for reasons I won't go into here. My wife and I started dating about 6 months after. We were definitley opposites from the beginning but we got along fantastic and loved being with one another - not just sexually but a real physical and emotional bond. I was in love with her and she was in love with me.
Fast forward in time and we got married 4 years later in 2000 and now we are 7 years into the marriage. Both our children were planned pregnancys. In the early stages of our dating I never considered children but she wanted them so badly. I loved her enough to know I could do anything with her and be a good father and totally commit to this endeavor of raising kids. The type of person I am is... if there is a goal to achieve then put my head down and don't come up till the goal is achieved. Call it stubborn call it perseverance call it male macho whatever I think I am the responsible one and I will achieve what I set out to achieve. What I knew at the beginning of our relationship is how much her EX and her got along and how much they connected in a way we just don't - in a almost spiritual way soulmates type of way. Early on I didn't want to invite awkward situations with my girlfriend/wife and stayed away from events that would bring the EX into the picture. My wife likes to go out and dance and party once in a while - this is what we all used to do. Now my wife and I are in our late thirties and she is still doing the same thing - just not as often due to work/kids etc. I don't go out at all like that any longer - like I said because the EX would frequent the same places (of course I think purposesly) and I didn't want to invite awkwardness. Trouble is I loved going out with my wife and dancing. My wife is HOT!

Then came a house addition project that put a strain on us as well - where I was doing lots of the interior/exterior work myself AND working from home when I wasn't working / and taking care of our kids when she was at work or out. Seriously I get about 4 hours of sleep on work nights but that's an hour or two here and there not 4 in a row. So my attitude has suffered. What has bothered me forever is the fact that my wife and the EX have remained friends and talk and see each other when they go out to party (like once or twice a month) leaving me at home with the girls after working all week and tired. Because of all this in the past few years I have grown to resent my wife for keeping up the relationship with the frickn pos EX. Almost to this day... but I now am realizing I hate the EX - almost to this day if he were to call and ask for anything I would be there to help - that's how much we got along back then when we were best friends. We had lots in common (including the wife sadly). The EX did get into one serious relationship that I know of but that didn't last. When he was in that relationship I was happy and content. I had no problems with my wife and the EX being good friends. As of jan 08 I looked at my cell bill a little closer and noticed a huge spike in my wife talking/texting the pos EX. I blew up at yelled and we got into an argument (remember I am sleep deprived). I told her to choose him or me and she said she won't. I confronted her and asked her plainly are you cheating on me and having an affair with the EX. She said no - just friends. Oh how I want to believe it but she been talking to him daily it seemed at all hours. That doesn't seem right. I confronted the EX and emailed him and said are you having an affair with my wife - he wrote back and said no and just good friends and always will be and to not ruin my marriage by putting the house in front of my wife - that she hasn't been happy for a long time. We exchanged a few emails and I told him its because of him that I carry a chip on my shoulder. I have been giving my wife the cold shoulder just about sort of like punishment for her carrying on her relationship with this EX. And of course that's a viscious circle and I was a dumbass for doing so... but I couldn't emotionally want to be with my wife and give her my heart when I know or think I know she just wants to be with him.

When we had the blow up in January I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce and she said no. I told her if she wants this EX that I will step aside and go away (we have kids so I mean me and her not abandon my kids). I told her I am not one for competition. You can't force someone to love you or stay with you. Maybe I am weak for that but to me its all about the kids and if she is not happy then the kids won't be either nor me.
She said she would try to limit how much she talks to this EX but I'm sure she will find a way. I don't think they have gone out too much since all this but truly I don't know nor do I know if the wife's and the EX's relationship have crossed some boundary where cheating is concerned. God help me if that has happened. This whole issue has already torn parts of my heart and who I am and ripped them away.
I know some of this is my fault but to me its mostly due to the emotional cheating she is doing with this EX. And like I said I fear for the worse when she goes out to party - and doesn't come home till nealry 4am when the dance club closes at 2am and its only half hour away. My wife is catholic with fairly strong beliefs in God but I truly don't know if lines have been crossed with the EX. It wouldn't surprise me but would in fact kill me.
I used to trust my wife but now I just don't know anymore where the EX is concerned.
To put it another way - I trust my wife but don't trust alcohol + wife + EX.
Alcohol is all too common an excuse for horrible behavior.
This strain on our marriage is affecting our kids too because I am much more short tempered then I used to be because of all this weighing on me.
My wife wrote me a letter stating all the bad things in our marriage and basically if it continues she will do what she has to do. I don't blame her. We couldn't continue the way its been but its also her role to tell me as my wife before it got this far.

I know she wants another baby with me so that tells me something right there - but we need to work things out first.
After the letter I have tried to get over her ties to the EX and just love her the way she is and the way I have been wanting to for the longest time. Its not hard for me to do since I truly love her - I am totally devoted to my wife and kids and overall families well being.
To me this EX is like a parasite eating at our marriage. He is a home wrecker and I am growing to hate him for this. Does he realize he is helping to destroy a family ? You'd think If the EX could only move on and let go after all these years and find someone and be happy things would be better than they are. I would like to be friends with him again but I think now he is trying to wreck another mans marriage. I think he thinks he will be back with her again someday and probably tells her these things and how much better it would be between them. The idea of reliving ones past with someone to get back what they had... but it seldom works out. Plus the fact that I believe my wife's mom would kill him - she really hates him. I don't know how she really feels about me but it would be better if the EX wasn't causing me to be 'short tempered' with my wife. Again all the EX's fault.

Anyway in mid February I took my family on a cruise and it was wonderful to get away not just get away but get away from the EX. At last! We were free to be who we are as a family. To put it simply the cruise was a godsend. My wife and I reconnected on the cruise and was exactly what we needed. Towards the end of the vacation I figure I will be in the same boat as before - but at least better than before.
I'm sure I will forward this to the EX eventually and let the wife read it as well. I know we should probably go to counseling and we have already chatted about it.
Trouble is the EX needs to go to therapy to learn how to respect another mans family. Basically cheaters suck.
Day after day I love my wife even more and dread her ties to the EX.
I know marriage is a lifelong compromise and commitment between two souls that love each other.
Problem lies when someone else is lurking and waiting for the relationship to blow up. It eats away at the other person in the marriage.

I know this... although I resent my wife's ties to the EX and her feelings toward him - I do not regret for a instant my life with her and the two beautiful children we have and any future children we may have. The kids are truly a gift from god given to two people in love.
I do know but hard to cope with the idea that when you marry someone you don't own them or have the right to tell them who or who not to be friends with. But I believe its very different when the 'friend' is the EX and they have had initimate relations in the past.

To the EX in case I fwd this link - can you please go out and find someone and leave my family alone so we can be a family ?

To my Wife - I love you dearly and hope any comments posted here by me or others are taken as a way to look at things a bit differenlty.

To the casual reader - yep I was also the tough guy that seldom cries for anyone or anything - and for the past three months you wouldn't know it... I'm a wreck over all this.
I know this - I can not continue my relationship knowing the wife is keeping up with the EX. I am incapable of aging to 40 someday and things being the same... or 50 and the same thing. This is having a bad impact on my physical and mental health. The whole thing is unhealthy for our marriage.

I do know I love my wife and can recommit to 'in sickness and in health... in good times and in bad... '
I will be there for you and our kids for eternity.

-J

My wife and her EX consider themselves to be soulmates.
Yet after 5 years of a relationship she broke it off.
Less than a year later I started dating her after we felt a strong connection.
We got married 4 years later and now have 2 beautiful little girls.
We both work and life is very hectic. I haven't shown much time to her mostly due to resentment of her keeping a relationship going with her EX (the soulmate)
My question is should she have married him ? Should soulmates be married or are they to remain friends forever?
I think my marriage will work because we are opposites and do love each other and remain committed and devoted to each other. Opposites, when together make for very strong relaitonships I think because we both pickup eachothers short-comings.
I'm concerned that my wife and her EX will end up together as he is single and lurking... he's in the shadows waiting for us to blow up. He hasn't moved on and they continue their friendship... I believe this is a very unhealthy situation for our marriage and my own health.
My wife says her and the EX's thing is over and she's married to me that I have nothing to worry about.
Then why do I feel like s* every day thinking about this ? That horrible feeling one gets in the stomach and doesn't eat and doesn't sleep.
If they talk to each other every day / text message each other and go out to part (dancing in a group w/friends) should I be concerned ?
Am I overreacting ?
Like I said the fact he is single and resents me for marrying her... and thinking he should be with her has me sick.

-J

Did she tell you they were soulmates? If so that was very uncaring of her. My hubby and his ex are friends but I was friends with his ex and she introduced us. We all go out and party together. But he wouldn't go without me. He respects me more then that.

Moreless I know they were/are consider themselves to be soulmates. I may be remembering it from before we got married/ pre-dating. I think the fact they still keep up their relationship is proof of that.

First you have to believe on the idea of "soulmates"
What it more sounds like is that this ex is obsessed and if anything dangerous since he has not moved on.
The only thing that can seriously hurt this is first your new found obseession that they were some sort of souldmate ( which is obviously not the case since they divorced) but do not understand that they were seriously in "LUST" with each other at the start. But now the gentleman has turned into one that still wants to control and not let go.

Please understand he can be dangerous in many ways, but it is your most likely constant worry and most likely constant talking about it to your wife that will be doing all of the harm.

You should and can expect them to have to have some contact ** were there children? ** but they should not be having a close freindship and you have to right to expect her to break off any on going close friendship.

Did you read all of what you have just written?

Does her activity with her ex stop her from being with family? If it does, try siting her down and letting her talk with the children about they feel the two of you are do as parents to them. That means you sit and listen also.

Children are far from dumb, they may lack skill in explaining themselves, but they know what is bothering them.

Also, let your wife know that she is allowed to say "No" to the ex and encourage her to try is as often as she can.

As to the ex, I'd suggest a heart to heart with the guy asking him why she's so important to her now! She's your wife now, not his.

Go to the blue edit box and if its within 24 hours of you posting it,it should say delete,press delete then press delete message and then press delete this message

Quote:

Originally Posted by donf

Did you read all of what you have just written?

Does her activity with her ex stop her from being with family?

Couple times a month they go out to dance in a group of friends and she comes home real late at night after the club closes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by donf

As to the ex, I'd suggest a heart to heart with the guy asking him why she's so important to her now! She's your wife now, not his.

I assume you mean 'asking him whe shes so important to him now' not her now - and I did phone him all but crying asking whats going on and he denied any type of affair and reiterating the old 'just friends' thing.

This EX went to Disney this past xmas and brought back presents for my wife and my two girls (my wife's and my two girls). I'm pissed and felt like throwing these things away immediately but that's a knee jerk reaction to resenting this guy. I just want him out of our life all together. Another immature response I have is making sure my kids know who this guy is and to ensure they know that he is potentially destroying what their mom and dad have together. (I'm 37 and afraid I am now thinking very stupid where the kids are concerned) but I don't want my kids to have the slightest liking toward this jerk. But I know I can't bring the kids into a situation like this since they are 3 and 6. Right ?

Your resentment will only push her further away.
Maybe you need to ease up and start going places with her?
I don't know if that would be positive or negative on your relationship at this point.
She probably sees you as a workaholic that doesn't have the time to have fun with her and
She looks to him for what she lacks in in you.
You need to find time to get to know her at her level on her playing field.
You say you are opposites maybe she needs somebody that is where she is at and she sees you aren't interested in the things that mean a lot to her. You need to relate to her world more by doing things she likes.
After all these years I don't know where you can begin other than ask her how you can fix what has gotten out of hand between the two of you.
Even though I think you should be going out and doing things with her, I think it may be kind of awkward for you to just all of a sudden saying hey I want to go out with you tonight
Especially since there have been hard feelings lately she may just take it that you are trying to find out things to hold more resentment.
I think maybe you need a night out to yourself some night.
You need to talk everything over with her as far as how to fix your feelings toward each other and where do the two of you go from here in a way that works. Specifically things like how do you get closer to her in the ways that you feel distant to her about.

YOU need counseling. You can't choose other peoples' friends for them, and that INCLUDES for your wife. You don't OWN her.

Why such resentment for the guy and not for your wife? It takes TWO to tango, mister. HE isn't ruining your marriage--if anything, it's a combination of you and your wife ruining your marriage.

You need to communicate with your wife. You say you trust her, but it's obvious you don't if she can't be friends with someone you don't like, including the ex. SHE obviously can't talk to you--you're buried in work, and the house, and the kids--when's the last time you set aside SOMETHING for just her? When's the last time you wrote her a romantic note and stuck it on her bathroom mirror or something?

The Ex is right about one thing for sure: Don't let a stupid house come between you and your wife. MARRIAGE is more important work than a house.

Set up a date night, even if it's just once a month. Take your wife out dancing. Take her to a romantic dinner, even if it's just at Denny's if that's all you can afford. ANY place can be a romantic dinner, if there's enough love involved. One of the best romantic dinners I ever had was at McDonald's, feeding each other McNuggets.

You also need a night out to yourself occasionally. However many nights SHE gets to go out by herself without you every month--that's how many of those nights YOU get, where SHE stays home and takes care of things.

You definitely need a marriage counselor. You're not even on the same page as each other any more.

My best friend is a guy--and I'll tell you right now, I don't know what I'd do if my husband forced me to choose between him and this other guy. I DO know I'd be pretty darned ticked at my husband for suggesting I was having an affair when I wasn't, though, and that would make me spend MORE time with my friend, because I'd be too p!ssed at my husband to be around him without flying at him claws first.

One thing I DO want to point out---whatever your wife and the ex broke up over, it was apparently something that affects your trust in both of them, and makes you angry enough at him to steal his woman and then demand he stay away from her forever after. So... maybe that's information we need, to be able to help?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

...
One thing I DO want to point out---whatever your wife and the ex broke up over, it was apparently something that affects your trust in both of them, and makes you angry enough at him to steal his woman and then demand he stay away from her forever after. So...maybe that's information we need, to be able to help?

My wife and her EX (boyfriend/ fiance) broke up over a few things but the major one was at one point the mom had to move in with them for a short period and he blew up at that at a time when she (my now wife) needed support the most).

Since the blow up in January I have been trying to ignore best I can her constant need to talk with her EX. I have been going out of my way to bring her lunch to her work (she is a lpn and no time to do anything), asking her out on dates to dinner with/without the kids, going roller skating (ouch I fell), and yep... leaving little notes here and there - including one day leaving roses in the car before she got in to go to work... and the cassete player set to play "our" song when she started the car (I think she realized how I really feel)

All my efforts don't take away from the fact that I am sick and angry when I know she is talking to the EX. And devastates me when she says she's going out with the girls for girls night out... and ultimately the EX is at the dance club where the girls go. What a jerk this guy is... I of course assume its all planned for him to be there anyway.

I can't help the way I feel about this EX getting in the way. I do completely agree and understand I can't choose my wife's friends for her and I don't own her. Marriage is about sharing a life not owning one. BUT some respect has to come my way for my feelings. She married me... not him. If that is to continue in a nourishing and thriving relationship then compromise has to come in. I used to trust my wife... but seeing more and more talking between the EX and her are warning signs to me. I do not trust ALCOHOL in a party atmosphere... plus my wife plus this EX. Alcohol is all too easy an excuse to do something stupid.

From what it appears she is not talking to him as much or at least from what I can tell.
He knows not to call the house for the most part. But nothing stops her from calling him from work I suppose on a daily basis.

I wish with all my heart this EX would find someone (besides my wife) to latch on to and love. And the evil side of me would definitely want to make sure I communicate with any future girl of his to inform her of certain issues. I would suspect most girls wouldn't want their man talking daily and going out with another mans wife IF they at one time had a serious relationship.

Comments welcome - no bashing please... I'm still an emotional wreck over this stuff.

Chuck is great your advice is flawless:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You should and can expect them to have to have some contact ** were there children??** but they should not be having a close freindship and you have to right to expect her to break off any on going close friendship.

No children between my wife and her EX. They were girlfriend/boyfriend / fiancé and then she broke it off and left him.

But so many folks say I can't tell her who to be friends with and that will push her away.
And I think some sort of mutual respect has to come into play. I know I wouldn't do this to her if it hurt her so bad. I can't understand how she can continue when it kills me that she keeps up the relationship. I mean for gosh sakes we are a family with two little girls what could be more important?

Lately it would appear they are not as chatty on the phone but then again she probably just calls him everyday from work I don't know.

OK no delete icon and I tried it several hours ago so well within 24 hour period -
Can a moderator delete this please ?

I really can understand how you feel.
It does sound like you do make efforts but you have built walls and now you have to build bridges. You left this go for years and it being her habit now it is a lifestyle she is accustomed to. You can't just make her quit something you have allowed to go on or she will resent you.She has seen her marriage as the two of you being opposites and you living separate lives. You have to figure out how to build the bridge.
Personally, while it may be good to have friends of the opposite sex, I could not go hanging out with another guy and be calling him all the time because I would feel like my husband should be the one I went to for everything. I would feel like how would I like it if he ran to another girl all the time?
But your situation is too far into what it is and you have to slowly win her over somehow
With your love not resentments.

Wel you haven't really said anything so I don't think they will you could always go to your profile delete your email address put noreply@askmehelpdesk then delete your personals and start all over again with new name.if noreply@asmehelpdesk works try putting anumber after noreply its up to you stick with it or start again

You are blaming the EX because you don't want to blame your wife.

Seriously--if you completely trusted your wife, you wouldn't CARE what another guy felt about her. You'd actually be PROUD that other men think your wife is hot enough to want.

I really REALLY think the two of you aren't communicating on the same level, and I REALLY think you need to get into some marriage counseling, because otherwise this is going to be like acid that eats its way through the connection between you.

Essentially, you're jealous, you don't trust your wife to say "no" to a guy that was once really important to her, and is still a good friend. I also think that you're projecting most of what is wrong with your relationship onto this ex--as in, "if the ex would just go away forever, all of our problems would be fixed, and our marriage would be great again".

I really wish that the two of you would go to a marriage counselor, even if it's your pastor/priest/rabbi or something. Insurance will sometimes cover such counseling--and believe me, it's worth the money to invest in your marriage.

Your wife's ex at one time was your best friend, which is how you met... what happened to your relationship with your best friend?

I may be way off, please tell me if I am, were you spending alone time with her prior to their break-up? If so, is that why you are insecure of their relationship? There's a serious trust issue... if she was unfaithful before, perhaps you believe she can be unfaithful again? This situation seems very close to some friends of mine. I hope I'm wrong, but that's what my first thoughts were as I was reading your situation.

Communication is essential to working out your issues. Perhaps she is nonchalant about this because it IS as she says - and they are on a level of best friends - not lovers.

How is this former best friend of yours is becoming your enemy and you are suspicious of him? You are hoping to turn your children against this man because of what you *think* is happening... but why try to work out the relationship with the ex as well? That may be a compromise that will benefit all... they both swear nothing is going on but friendship. Why can't you 3 occasionally go out. He was your best friend and is her best friend now. There must have been something worth working on with all three of you be foster that kind of relationship.

Ideally, you want your partner to be your best friend and vice-versa... however there are just sometimes that another perspective is needed... but you are not allowing that for yourself, and don't want that for her either... stiffling. Apparently she's talking to him about things that bother her - and I suspect she's mentioned them to you... the house for instance... she thinks it's becoming more important than time with her and/or the children... children only stay small for a second... before you know it they are grown and on their own... so what if it takes several months or a year longer than you "planned" to get the house in the shape you'd like? The bonds between family members will be much stronger if all the members KNOW they are more important than building materials.

Counseling will help - but what I've found is they teach you how to communicate... AND they give another perspective - something that she has found already and you refuse to.

Set up a date night - even if it's just going for walks - just the two of you... and another night to be family night - that still leaves 5 nights to work or make extra time with the family.

Please talk to your wife... and listen to her - really listen. Don't think of what you want to say next while she's speaking... then you can't hear what she's saying... what helps is when she says something, you say "I hear you say ....." and if you are off track of what she's saying, she has an opportunity to clarify... and then she tells you what she heard YOU say... if she's off the mark, you can work toward correcting the thought process - or being more clear in your explaining of what you are saying - eventually your and her points will be made and understood.

Hang in there... keep your chin up... I suspect she is just as willing to fight for this marriage as you are... but you need to be at least in the same book before you can be on the same page!

Best of luck to you!

Don't make yourself sick with assumptions and speculations. This is your marriage, so work together and communicate, and work it out. It doesn't matter what others say, it matters what you say to each other, and how its said. You both have to be honest, and understand. Pay attention, and see if your mind playing tricks, or do you have something a lot more concrete?

Why are you so focused on the past, communicate with her that you both are going to let this go and work on your future.. he is past you are present and future and till death do us part.. work on saying that memorizing that and learning to communicate and let go (I feel part of the marriage is learning to let go of the past that means the wife needs to let him go officially of him tell her that its part of the marriage promise)-she is disrespecting the marriage by holding on to old ties PERIOD, because if you keep talking like this and keeping this type of stuff in your head... you two may start looking really bumpy. Good luck

PS.. no they are not soulmates or well it would have worked in there favor.. if they were God would have let it be... you two are its time you make her see that and you start believing that!! Now get off this answer me help forum and get to talking!!

I want to tell you a true story, one of my best friend let's call her Mendy quited her nice job and went to another city to stay with her boyfriend.It is very difficult for her to find a nice job in that city.As they are going to get married,she wants to be a teacher which seems nice for marriage and family life.And then she began to do preparation for application... during this period,her boyfriend keeps contact with his ex every day,they go out for drinking,dancing,shopping... everything a couple like to do! My friend is extremely worried about that,but her boyfriend always tells her don't worried,that is nothing between him and her,they are just best friends,nothing.my friend asked him"you have so many best friends,why you must stay with her every day,have you ever considered my feeling?|" her boyfriend have nothing to say,just speechless! And the a couple days later,she found out they are together! Normally,it is OK if people be friends with their ex,but if they are too close,there must be something between them.there is no real pure friendshipment betweent man and woman! Is it OK for her if you keep close with your ex or your female friends?if it is OK,it means she does not care about you not love you,or not love you in that way!