Ask Me Help Desk - Cheating Wife . And I can't seem to stop

OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.

Before putting my view I would lke to mention that this is purely my view and it may differ from person to person. Sex is an emotional attachment and it is only the concerned person who can control his emotions. Secondly you have to go by your conscious. If it says yo are doing somethng bad yo have to stop it. As far as the so called extra marital sex is concerned, it is mainly governed by the faith you follow, What I mean by this is that for example in Islam extra marital sex is strictly prohibited. I don't know about you. Still many people have different views about it. For them extra marital sex is not bad. I hope I have not hurt you and excuse me if I am rude in my answer.

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.

The fact you are posting and asking for advice is evidence that you are concerned about your behavior. Sounds like you want to end it so one way... is to anonymously tell the guys wife. No joke. Optionally you would have to confront your husband and tell him what has occurred. Forget the sex question for a moment - and think about the fact that you are lying to your husband and to god. With faith and commitment and love you can work through this.
Fantasizing about sex with someone else other than your partner is common but acting it out is crossing lines. By anonymously telling the other guys wife is help you end this from two angles - from your end and his end.
Bear in mind its small world - eventually this affair will come to light.
Your decision is do you confront and end it now or wait till it blows up out of your control.
Even now I don't know if my wife has cheated or is cheating on me in some physical way but I know I will continue to love her no matter what. Doesn't mean I will be okay with it. We are all sexual creatures and long for that enjoyment we can share with few individuals.

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Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.

Don't be judgemental? Seriously? Do you not even know what your intelligent mind is FOR? It's to give you the power to judge. Critters in the field have sex instinctively, and with your intelligent mind safely packed away (so as not to be judgemental), you act on you're instincts without regard. That's not good. Don't make that requirement for us to interact with you. Judgements are what make life livable. Look what a pickle you're NOT using good judgement has done for you.

Sheesh, dear, if you want more out of your life, you have USE the tools at your disposal. If you're not even willing to do that for yourself, how can we help?

Everyone on this forum wants to enable the people with issues to find resolutions, but it has to start with your willingness to take accountability and control. If you're not willing to do either, then you're just wasting everyone's time.

Are you mad at me yet? I hope so, I'm trying to get you're attention. Do I have it? Good, let's look at your own words.

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Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage?

Uncommon, no. Unnatural? Well, marriage is a public commitment to fidelity. That's what it IS. It's a cultural state of being. So, since you GOT married, I'd say YES, it is unnatural. But no, it's not uncommon. A lot of people have no idea or intention of keeping their word to others, even people they love.

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Are we meant to be monogamous?

Only if you get married.

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Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Tell you what, ask your husband that question. He's the one you've promised to honor and cherish, so if he says "no, go for it" then you can feel absolved of your actions. I'd say YES, you can be sexaully fulfilled in your marriage (that's the one you love, right?) but not while you're sleeping with other men.

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I'm a good person, good mom.

Poppycock. This is pointless assertion, only OTHER people can make that assertion. You can't. And from where I stand, I tell people that goodness is not detemined by your intention in life, it's determined by your action. Good people honor their word, even when it means sacrifice. You promised to cleave to one man and are cleaving to others. Since that's not good and it is your action, then you're not good. At least not right now. You can be good, you've simply chosen not be. Fair enough. Just be honest and remember your actions speak for you.

The same for parenting... don't you do whatever you have to for your child including sacrifice? So what is your sacrifice? Instead of sacrificing something of yours (suppressing your sexually inappropraite desires for other men) your risking your child's heart and your position as "trusted parent" should your sexual activities become known.

Your behavior with this other man could (and should) completely destroy all credibility you have with your child if it's found out. To me, that doesn't sound like a good mom. Again, actions dictate the judgement, not your intent.

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I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual.

You bury the comment about having two kids in the middle of that story. Too bad. You should lead with that statement every time you talk about this. It might help you "be a good mom" and make better choices. Maybe?

You already know this whole affair wrong, else why post here looking for help? You know no one is actually going to tell you that it's OK. So let me tell you what you know: You're not some puppet on a sexual string. Your actions have consequences. You're seeking fleeting moments of intimacy and risking your entire life in doing so.

Of course we're going to tell you to cut it out. But you knew not to do it and did it anyway. So reasoning with you is probably a waste of time. I'd rather get you to just be honest with yourself and use words that more accurately depict your situation. Then maybe YOU can talk some sense into YOU.

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We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Not a puppet. No strings. Nada. Zilch. You are doing it because you're being selfish and putting the need for orgasm and the thrill of the affair into your life. Totally understandable, a lot of people do it. Just stop that "I couldn't help it" stuff. Of course you could, but it's WAY more fun not to. So you CHOSE not to. It didn't happen to you, you drove the bus on that ride.

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I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man.

See, you DO know what's going on. That's something, isn't it? You're cultured mind is still tucked away in there somewhere. Maybe it will still do you some good.

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Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing.

I'm stuck. No idea how to respond here. Well, affairs are amazing, and condoms are awesome, so I guess everything is OK. (*sigh*)

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I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being.

Ending the affair means ending your sexuality. Wow, that's pretty empowering, isn't it? I told you before how easy it is to find ways to make our sins forgiveable, and you found a doozy.

You're sexuality isn't in jeopardy over this decision. Your responsbility FOR your sexuality is. You know you should end it and you know sexual interaction with your husband is going to be a long hard journey back to something meaningful, right? So, best to not even do the work since it's hard, best to just be a critter in the field responding to urges with no thought to anything else. See, if you're going to keep saying things like this to yourself, nobody can help you, not even you. You're a goner.

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I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

<chuckle> Dearie, you don't have to tell him. He knows enough already.

There's a whole litany of information you need to gather getting ready to court your own husband again. The time and energy you're spending on this other guy could be spent on... nevermind, you're not there yet.

Just know that you are completely capable of

1) Being a faithful wife
2) Being a sexual being in your marriage
3) Being a good mom/role model
4) Being a good person

But you'll have to do those things IN THAT ORDER, starting now, before they'll all be true. Hard work, great reward, great judgements, things in the right priorities... You can do it.

Only you, though.

Well, you have to look at the pros and cons. The pros are the sex, and the fact that it makes you feel attractive. The cons are: you could ruin your marriage if he finds out, if he finds out he could divorce you and then your kids would have to deal with that, you are doing something you know is wrong, you made a vow and now you are breaking it, and there could be the chance of pregnancy or stds(condoms can break).

I think one thing that might help would be for you to talk to a counselor. You can see one by yourself and it's 100% confidential. I think what you said here says a lot about why you are doing this:

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being.

If you felt like you weren't connecting with your husband emotionally or physically, then that could have a lot to do with why you feel you can't stop the affair. Sex with this other guy makes you feel attractive and sexual, and you weren't feeling that way in your marriage. If you want to stay married, counseling for both of you might help you to reconnect with your husband. Just because you didn't have that intimacy with your husband before doesn't mean that you can't. Also, you can accept yourself as a sexual being and still end the affair. You are a sexual being, everyone is. But this isn't just about sex, it's also about marriage vows. I think talking to a counselor might help you with the decisions you are going to have to make.

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

OMG,
Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Let me see, how do you think his wife would answer these ?'s
How do you think your husband would react?

I think your answer is in those two questions.

To put it in one sentence, you are lacking self discipline and allowing your hormones to run you.
Two sentences, you are not rationally thinking of the real life consequences that COULD happen.

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Originally Posted by MyLife777

Sounds like you want to end it so one way...is to anonymously tell the guys wife. No joke. Optionally you would have to confront your husband and tell him what has occurred. Forget the sex question for a moment - and think about the fact that you are lying to your husband and to god. With faith and commitment and love you can work through this.

I would NEVER TELL HIS WIFE... To me, that is between him and his wife... I (obviously) have my own issues to deal with.

As for God... I'm not lying, as He already knows. I am lying to my husband.

I do appreciate your reply. Thank you.

I agree the last thing you want is to tell his wife even anonymously.
That would be as bad or worse than you telling your husband.

You need to put yourself in his wife's shoes and think of her when you get the urge to be with him.
Picture her loving him just as you do and even more cause she loves him for more than just the sex.

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BetterThanThis agrees: Thank you for your well thought out reply... I'm humbled that you would take the time. (especially considering your opinion on my actions).

I hope you realize we all want you to have a full and rewarding life. That's why here I don't bother coddling, you can get that from your local friends/family. I hope you really think about it and start looking for the ways you put yourself back in charge of becoming the good person you envision for yourself.

***** something went wrong with the post, it was not readable, it appears it was a cut and paste that had fonts but the commands were showing, instead of making the effects.

I edited it out, please correct or report

Ok, no judgement

Just stop, it is a addiction of some sort, since it can't be love, if it is only sexually, get you and your husband counseling to include sexual relationship, maybe a weekend retreat.

If not, divorce your husband, let him have the child and go with your other life all you want. Your husband deservses better.

I will continue reading all of your replies until some of it 'sinks' in. Thank you to everybody who took the time. I will take some time away from my lover to gain perspective on my life and the lies I'm telling to my husband. Hopefully my rational being will take over. Honestly, I've felt the same way as many of the responders have felt in the past. I just know that after some time has passed I will let my guard down and meet him again (because I've 'broken up' with him at least 3 times before with the intention of being a good person). Honestly, I [F]want to be good... but then I feel drawn to my 'dark side' and think... what's the big deal...
Of course, when I answer that question, it's hard to defend. I imagine explaining all of this to my husband, and I feel like a shmuck. I love him very much, but don't feel physically attracted to him...

I could not have said it better myself JBeaucaire.

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Originally Posted by igman

I could not have said it better myself JBeaucaire.

LOL, thanks. I have to believe though that I could have said it with more brevity. Hehe.

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Originally Posted by BetterThanThis

OMG, I know I'm opening up myself for all sorts of criticism here, but first off, you have to know that I'm a good person, good mom. I have been cheating on my husband of 10 years for the past year with another married man. My husband and I have 2 beautiful young daughters. At first, I felt a lack of intimacy between my husband and myself both on an emotional and physical level. I spoke to my husband numerous times before the 'affair'. I felt unattractive and frustrated at how many times I've brought this up to my husband that at some point I just disconnected at some level. Then I met the married man. Our relationship is purely sexual. We meet once or twice a month. I've tried to end it, and felt strong about ending it ... but I always feel compelled to meet him again for sex. So I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd like to be happy with my husband and my life ... but am still drawn to the excitement of meeting this married man. Sex is always protected, and our meetings are amazing. I don't know if I should end this affair or acccept myself as a sexual being. I will never tell my husband because I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Is it really unnatural to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage? Are we meant to be monogamous? Can't we be with the one we love and still fulfill our sexual needs and fantasies elsewhere?

Please try your best not to be judgemental and open to my questions.

It honestly sounds like you are addicted to this man. If it is purely sexual... buy a dildo or vibrator. How is this fair to the person you made vows too. I'm not a christian but I believe that when you take those vows with someone... you are committing your soul to that person... also... what the hell do you think your daughters would think? Having a family isn't all about you. It's about making sure that your children come before you... about making sure that they always ALWAYS have good rolemodels to look up to. I am not saying you are a good person... but you need to own up to this to your husband... there are either two things that can happen... he will leave you and you two will get a divorce... or you two will work it out. You actions always have consequences. You need to tell him... if he decides to divorce you... then that is your consequence for your action... so don't pull the "poor me" card. He deserves to know. You made a binding agreement with him the day you became his wife. Even if you have messed up... apart of being with someone is being honest... even when you don't want to. If you had the balls to cheat on your husband for a year... you should have the balls to tell him. How would you feel if he was doing this to you? Would you leave him? Honestly? OK... so now that that part of what I wanted to say is over... I support you... whatever your decision... I support you. I think it would be the right and best thing to do if you told him... but I am here for you... and I wish you the best and I hope everything can be worked out... with your husband. BUT you don't just need to get things right with your husband... you need to get things right with YOU. This is all coming from me... and I don't believe in marriage. It will take time, don't hesitate to reply me. You have a lot of courage for putting yourself out here like this, and I recognize that. I wasn't meaning to judge you or bash you.. some people just need to hear something's sometimes to wake up.

WAKE UP AND FACE THE MUSIC

Time to choose here.

If your relationship with your husband is missing intimacy its time to work on that. Or not. If you are willing to seek counseling to save your marriage, do it. If he is willing, great. If either isn't willing, its done.

The problem I have with this arrangement, outside of the little issue of kicking vows to the curb and lying and sexual deceit (tho who knows, he might have left you first emotionally and sexually) is that getting yours on the side isn't going to satiate you... otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

And it isn't fair to him. Sure... he could be a sexless jerk who doesn't pay you attention or show any intimacy... that doesn't mean he shouldn't get the chance to find a person who is more of a match.

So... time to do the right thing. You've been bold enough to step out of your marriage. Time to be bold enough to take steps to honestly fix it or get out. This isn't about what is comfortable or convenient for you. The truth is the truth. People live through much worse than infidelity or the failure of a marriage.

You get to chose the person you are.

So own your choice. All in or all out. In the middle is just hoping someone will make your choice for you.

JB, this is an awsome answer.

Facts: You are not a good person. You are a liar and a cheat. You are slowly destroying two marriages.

I only see one solution to this.
1. Stop seeing the other married man.
2. Confess to your husband and ask for his forgiveness
3. If he decides to stay in the marriage, get counseling
4. Act like you are in love in front of your children

Sorry to sound offensive but I don't really care about your feelings. My only concern is for the children in both marriages that could possibly be affected. Stop thinking of yourself and think of the kids for a change.

Well... what can I say! Most of it's already been said.

Should this get out not only have you ruined your own marriage but also the marriage of this guy your having it off with, not to mention your two beautiful daughters. I suspect he also has children as well.
Should this come to the fore and you can bet it will ( truth always surfaces) you will have broken up two homes between you and ruined your children's lives, have you no conscience? Is it worth it for a bit on the side cause that's all it is... cheap sex...

I suggest you try a lot harder to sort out your marriage or what is left of it, as for your sexual fantasies... if you paid more attention to your husband then they would be fulfilled with in your marriage.

Is it really worth risking your marriage for? I want you to ask yourself that question. How would you feel if your husband did the same to you? You would feel hurt. Do what feels right. You need to make some major decisions. Take some time and think this situation through before having another meeting.