Assertive discipline
I know this is hard, my husband when my daughter was younger drove tractor trailer over the road, and was never home, and if he was home most on the time it was sleeping for him before he went back out, he is regional now thank got, my daughter is 14, soon to be 15.
I drive a bus for a living and there is one golden rule, if you say some thing you better stick to it. The first time you fall back on your word you are done. So if you say no you better mean it. If bed time is at nine it is at nine. Do not give in.
Start with the one thing that is the worst. If it is attitude, or toys left behind start there. If you have to take absolutely every thing away, then you do it.
If you do not get a handle on it now wait till they get older. The one true thing is You Are The Parent! Set your rule and stand on them. Do not worry that they push your buttons, [that is their job it is in the birthing contract in the small print, write above the part where it states you are not allowed to hold the under in the toilet water till the bubbles stop coming up.
If you stand your ground and stick to your words it will take a little while for them to fall in to line but they will. Do not look for everything to change over night because it will not happen. Look for little things.
Try setting goals for them so they can see that there is a reward for good behavior.
Try complementing them for the good things they do. Rather than just yelling when they are bad or off the wall.