:( our relationship has been through some crazy ups and downs... I have supported him through jail and no place to live and a drug addiction he has a child with another woman (before us) but he still sees her to drop off and pick up the child who is 4. I have caught him before on internet porn and caught him many times using 1900 numbers and "live local chat lines". We have (or I have) worked through it, but the other day the 4 year old told me that when mummy dropped him off "daddy and mummy went in the bathroom and shut the door" I asked the child if they said why and he said it "so i couldn't hear them"
I questioned my husband about what happened while I was at work when she dropped off the child he got very angry at me and asked why the h*ll I was interrogating his child. He said she (the mother) had an upset stomach and needed tums and that was that.
What should I do??

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Originally Posted by stephstylist

:( hild. he said she (the mother) had an upset stomach and needed tums and that was that.
what should i do?????

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NOT trust him!

With the history I doubt I could!

When you question someone it puts them on the defensive. That's natural. Unfortunately, violent "how dare you nosy Nelly" responses are pretty often interpreted as confirmation of what you suspect.

And rightly so. When you're caught doing something you SHOULDN'T, you look for someone else to blame, and if there is no one, all you can do is attack the question(er).

If he was innocent, he would more likely laugh it off with a quick plausible explanation, without the anger. He'd be more understanding about how it "looks". That wouldn't mean he IS innocent, it's just more likely if he stays calm and owns up to the event.

So, having said all that, your situation is more dire than that incident. You falling for a man with his history was one thing, you're deciding to marry him and link up forever was a completely different choice. Your feelings for the most part you can't control so the choice to BE with him is the one you are responsible for, so you need to focus on that, not how you feel about him. OK?

You'll need to lose the anger, or control it. The things he does need to become calm topics you talk about. When he yells, you don't. It takes two to argue. He will try HARD to anger you when you try to talk about these things, and you must resist.

You see, you're not going to change him. He's going to do what he wants. You're only responsibility is to make him feel safe enough around you to actually talk about these things... the porn, the 900 numbers, other women... he needs to know you aren't running away from him with these issues on the table. You're in it to the end with him and you want to know him 100%, all the things he likes and needs.

You'll need to be a bit of a rock.

OR... you decide you're NOT OK with helping the man you "til death do us part...for better or worse" bonded with work through these issues, and start planning your getaway.

You can't do both... you can't decide you're NOT OK with him and hang around.

Sorry, to hear about your situation. No one can say for sure whether he is cheating. But I would say he probably is. Here is the thing, if you have to ask this question you really don't need to be with this person. As a husband one of his duties is to make sure you are safe and that includes emotionally. If you feel insecure its his job to make your feel secure.

What do you do? Tell him you don't trust him and you can't be with a person you can't trust. And if his cheated so what, you can be up at night thinking his or is not.