My husband had an affair a year ago, I just just found out about it 2 weeks ago. The situation was this: I was living in another state and my husband was employed in another state, we were not separated we were doing what we thought was best for our family. He was making a lot of money. We did this for 2 years. The first year he was able to get home every other weekend and then it got to be longer time spans in between, we just got to where we could not afford for him to fly home all the time. I found out by accident, he recently took a position that has no traveling involved anymore, so we cann all live together, we have relocated and he had told me we were all going to have a fresh start, (this was before I knew). I found some things that were written that lead me to believe something was going on, long story short I asked him and he broke... it went from there, he slept with this other women twice during a two week period, He was having to work a lot of hours and she with him, I always told myself I could never forgive something like that, and I find myself wanting now to forgive him, move on and continue our lives with our beautiful family. I don't know how to do this without the hurt and pain everyday. We have 20 years together and I do not know what to do, I spent two weeks in tears and hurting, but I could not show it in front of my kids, they love their father and I do not want to have them loose any respect for him, even if he does deserve it, I figure why screw them up because he screwed up, right? They don't deserve it and neither do I. We have spent many hours over the last two weeks talking about everything that happened and how it came to this, he took 100 % of it on himself, even though I feel like I did something to push him that way, anyway, he wants us to be together, he wants us to try and get through it together, I want us to, we have an amazing family and I have eternal love for my husband, but I hurt and I want to know how can I possibly move past this and go forward, without throwing it in his face, or I don't know I am so mixed up.:confused:

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Originally Posted by oneyear

my husband had an affair a year ago, I just just found out about it 2 weeks ago. The situation was this: I was living in another state and my husband was employed in another state, we were not separated we were doing what we thought was best for our family. He was making a lot of money. We did this for 2 years. The first year he was able to get home every other weekend and then it got to be longer time spans in between, we just got to where we could not afford for him to fly home all the time. I found out by accident, he recently took a position that has no traveling involved anymore, so we cann all live together, we have relocated and he had told me we were all going to have a fresh start, (this was before I knew). I found some things that were written that lead me to believe something was going on, long story short I asked him and he broke...it went from there, he slept with this other women twice during a two week period, He was having to work a lot of hours and she with him, I always told myself I could never forgive something like that, and I find myself wanting now to forgive him, move on and continue our lives with our beautiful family. I don't know how to do this without the hurt and pain everyday. we have 20 years together and I do not know what to do, I spent two weeks in tears and hurting, but I could not show it in front of my kids, they love their father and I do not want to have them loose any respect for him, even if he does deserve it, I figure why screw them up because he screwed up, right? they don't deserve it and neither do I. We have spent many hours over the last two weeks talking about everything that happened and how it came to this, he took 100 % of it on himself, even though I feel like I did something to push him that way, anyways, he wants us to be together, he wants us to try and get throught it together, I want us to, we have an amazing family and I have eternal love for my husband, but I hurt and and I want to know how can I possibly move past this and go forward, without throwing it in his face, or I don't know I am so mixed up.:confused:

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I know how you must feel, and once trust is broken in relationships it is hard to forget. In situations like this I would suggest counseling. Unfortanetly you can't blame yourself for him cheating. When someone often cheats we blame ourselves quickly, but the reality is before he should have cheated if he felt their was something lacking in your marriage he should have talked to you about it. Unfortanetly, I know you love him dearly and you put years into your marriage and I am not saying it can't work after an affair but trust was broken, and it will take time, and counseling to help you work through it.. It's going to be so hard not to bring it to the table every now again as this is a normal reaction when you feel betrayed... Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free"
Catherine Ponder

Sounds like you have a good man who made a mistake and had a lapse of physical control. I mean he didn't go out and find someone he had an attraction to, she was there and it happened. The fact that he didn't run and tell you and possibly end the marriage and break your heart is what I consider a good thing. He was willing to live with the guilt and not look to relieve it by telling you and I think that's a sign of character. The fact that he owned up when confronted is a big sign of character. I agree... the kids don't deserve this so it's up to you. It might help not to take it personal. I know that sounds crazy but it's not like he got up that morning and set out to damage his marriage, he just had a lapse. We've all had them in some form or another. When one promises to keep a budget but just has to have the new jeans... it's a lapse in judgement and in my opinion it's not worth ruining lives over unless it's repeated behavior and he's not a good father.

But you will have to get past it and it might mean some marriage counseling. It's not fair to continue in the marriage and stay mad. Remember you have the choice and the power to view this situation in any light you decide. You can take it personally and beat yourself and him up everyday or once a week OR you can accept that's he's just a husband/father doing the best he can everyday and like the rest of us sometimes he doesn't make the right decision. Possibly forgiveness and understanding will take the family and marriage to new heights of love and trust... you never know how these things can shake out but the ball's in your court and you are the one with the power to put the family on a healing path.

When I'm really really mad at someone I pray for them. Sometimes I'm even cussing them out in my prayer but only for a day or two... then the prayers become real and I'm really praying for them and it's not possible to stay angry at them...

Hope this helps, it's just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by oneyear

my husband had an affair a year ago, I just just found out about it 2 weeks ago. The situation was this: I was living in another state and my husband was employed in another state, we were not separated we were doing what we thought was best for our family. He was making a lot of money. We did this for 2 years. The first year he was able to get home every other weekend and then it got to be longer time spans in between, we just got to where we could not afford for him to fly home all the time. I found out by accident, he recently took a position that has no traveling involved anymore, so we cann all live together, we have relocated and he had told me we were all going to have a fresh start, (this was before I knew). I found some things that were written that lead me to believe something was going on, long story short I asked him and he broke...it went from there, he slept with this other women twice during a two week period, He was having to work a lot of hours and she with him, I always told myself I could never forgive something like that, and I find myself wanting now to forgive him, move on and continue our lives with our beautiful family. I don't know how to do this without the hurt and pain everyday. we have 20 years together and I do not know what to do, I spent two weeks in tears and hurting, but I could not show it in front of my kids, they love their father and I do not want to have them loose any respect for him, even if he does deserve it, I figure why screw them up because he screwed up, right? they don't deserve it and neither do I. We have spent many hours over the last two weeks talking about everything that happened and how it came to this, he took 100 % of it on himself, even though I feel like I did something to push him that way, anyways, he wants us to be together, he wants us to try and get throught it together, I want us to, we have an amazing family and I have eternal love for my husband, but I hurt and and I want to know how can I possibly move past this and go forward, without throwing it in his face, or I don't know I am so mixed up.:confused:

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If you really really love your husband... forgive him. We all make mistakes and fall short of the glory of the Lord... He forgives us... so why should we not forgive our loves on earth? Try to move on and have a happy family life.

It is hard. It is sad. It is hurtful. But he told you. He is with you. You can make your marriage better. Take some romantic time together, treat each other like the lovers you once were. It is a choice to be passive and sad, or take action and make the marriage stronger in the broken place. You will be better off, I know.

I'm so sorry! If both of you want to stay married and move through this, marriage counseling might be a huge help. Everything you are feeling right now you have a right to feel. Counseling can give you a safe environment to let it all out in, without having to worry about the kids overhearing.

It sounds like you love your husband in spite of this and want to forgive him, and I commend you for that. The good thing is that he confessed to you about this. It sounds like he knows what a mistake he made and wants to fix this and make things up to you. That is a good start. It will take time, and you won't be able to get over this right away. But if you are both committed to this relationship, you can succeed.

You need lots of support right now, so if you don't want to see a counselor, it might help you to talk to your family members, a religious leader (if that applies), or good friends you can trust. And of course, you can always come here for support. I'm so sorry this has happened and I hope that things work out for you.

I wouldn't recommend talking to family members about this. You may forgive him but they may not then you have a whole new set of issues. My sister and I have a deal with each other... we can tell each other about our spouse but we promise to support each other to stay in the marriage. We don't get into, "What an idiot he is" or any of that sort of bashing. We also promise to keep it separate. I don't get grudges against her spouse and visa versa so we have ground rules to sharing marriage issues w/each other. But I really ask you to think about the repercussions if you choose to share with a family member.
Just my opinion and a few life lessons.

I think you need to take the time for some counseling, and learn how to cope with your grief, so you can either put the affair behind you, or move on, with your life. Stay apart until you get a better handle on yourself.