Hello, I've exhausted my friends so now I'm here!

In a nut shell: I'm 25 years old and have been in a relationship with a man 5 years my junior for 5 months or so. We met rather romantically in Thailand while travelling and have managed to pursue a somewhat long distance relationship since returning to the UK.

My views on drugs are as follows: they're illegal, dangerous and drug taking is morally reprehensible. I don't expect everyone to share my views and I am very aware that there are many highly functioning, professional people who find taking drugs socially acceptable and other than drugs live in accordance with UK law.

However, New Years' Eve just gone, my boyfriend asked me whether it would be okay for him to take some Cocaine with his friends. I was really shocked as he had previously told me that he had experimented with the drug but it was a past he was ashamed of and wanting to leave behind. I told him that if he wanted to take Cocaine I would be going home and it would be the end of our relationship and I was very upset and felt as though I was spoiling his and his friends fun. He convinced me to say and apologised for making the suggestion, saying I was right and he was stupid for even considering it. I was greatly relieved and remained for the rest of the evening although I noticed he disappeared for a period.

The next day I asked him where he had gone when he disappeared and whether he had taken any drugs. He said that he hadn't and was angry with me for asking him again after he had already promised he wouldn't. I felt very bad for questioning him and I believed him wholeheartedly.

Yesterday, he returned having celebrated a friend's birthday in Amsterdam... Guess what's coming... When I spoke with him he was a bit all over the place (can't think of another way to describe it) and so I asked him whether he had taken anything while he was away. Unbelievably he said, "Yes, but I didn't sleep with any prostitutes" (should I say thank you to that?). When I asked him what drugs he had taken he told me he had done some Cocaine and magic mushrooms. During the subsequent argument he said, "Don't make out I've got a problem. I don't do drugs all the time. The last time I did any was NEW YEARS EVE" At that moment, I realised he had lied to me and broken his promises.

Anyway... Apologies for this mammoth post but I'm just trying to find out what other people think about this. The problem is that my close friends and I are practising Christians and our faith is compromised by drug taking so when I ask for advice I get the same answer over and over again... I was wondering whether this is as bad as it is making me feel or am I out of the loop. Should I change my views? Or dump my boyfriend?

Thank you for your time.

I would say... don't change your views for anyone. Opinions sometimes clash, and if you two can deal with them, that's fine. However, if it ends up with him lying... and drugs are something you're quite against, then it may be a problem for you down the road. I'm not saying doing drugs are OK, but seeing as he does it "once in a while," I see this as less of a problem than the lying.

At the age of 20, he's at that age to party and be a reckless while you, at the age of 25, are probably into your career and planning for the future.

If you can forgive him for the lying and trust him that he'll never lie to you ever again... then that's your thing, however, don't change your views and morals for anyone.

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Originally Posted by Doodlebug2008

My views on drugs are as follows: they're illegal, dangerous and drug taking is morally reprehensible.

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I think that pretty much tells you what you should do. I don't imagine he'll be able to change enough to suit you.

NeedKarma, you are very true in saying, "he will never change enough to suit me"... I thought that because we were so different we'd be good for one another - when we met he was delighted he'd met a girl who was straight down the line and I was excited about meeting someone who was out going and not so serious as me... but it's clearly not going change... Back to the drawing board I think...

Having travelled Europe on backpack years ago I've learned that a vacation romance sometimes does not work well once back home.

But this one was going to be "different"... oh well. Should have left it in the sand - better as a memory.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Doodlebug2008

Should I change my views? Or dump my boyfriend?

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Hello Doodle:

I don't know about you, but my views aren't based upon whimsy. I just can't change them to fit my situation. Instead, I'll change the situation to fit my views.

Dump him.

excon

I feel your frustration on this one, but if you love this guy you might want to really think about your choice. I in no way condone drug use but he is young, and people do some silly things when they are young. I understand you told him if he does it then your relationship is done, and maybe he should have thought thtat more through before he did it, but going to Amsterdam and doing drungs?? You should have seen that one a mile away. I went to Amsterdam and won't say what I did or didn't do, but "when in Rome".

If yout hink he has an "addiction" maybe he needs help with it, and maybe you can help him. I would sit him down and really make him choose you or the drug, but it kind of seems you already did so... I guess te choice is up to you.

I don't think you should change your views, but from the times you said he has done it (New years and Amsterdam) if there hasn't been and in-between I wouldn't call it an "addiction".

20 years old is a hard time for some people, and your boyfirend likes to party... can't blame him. I think the 2 of you need to sit down and talk about what you want out of your relationship in the next few years because I'm sure marriage is on your mind at some point and this could be a BIG issue with him being to young.

I'm not saying dump him, and I'm not saying stay... just think about the whole situation a bit more and talk to him about it.


Best of luck.