Ask Me Help Desk - Long since sex

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have one of those relationships that make people jelous. We are like best friends, even when we are alone. We even love kissing and cuddeling and being intimate... but without sex. I know he's not cheating on me because, well he doesn't have time for one and it may sound silly, I just know, I know him. Anyway it makes me feel so frustrated on why he doesn't want to be with me. Yes, we have had some problems in the past. He got me pregnant when I was fifteen and I had an abortion. That's when the problems began. But its been three years and I am on birthcontrol now. I am not a stick figure so if anyone suggest lingere I think it would be more damaging. :p I mean we are trying to buy a house, and money is a bit of an issue, could it be all that. All the time all I hear is men want to have sex with anything that moves... why doesn't mine? Is it normal? HELP!

Well.

I'm assuming that you're... 17? 18? Seeing as you've been with him for 3 years and he got you pregnant at 15.

May I ask how old he is?

Stress COULD be a factor... have you tried foreplay with him? Lingerie, you say will be damaging, but I beg to differ. Just a thought.

Obviously the man loves you just the way you are... lingerie would NOT be a bad idea. But, if money is an issue, stress is definitely a factor.

I am 18 and he's 23.

Sounds like a busy period in both your lives... so it's understandable this situation occurs.. though if you want to change it, both of you, and I assume you do, then perhaps it's time for a (partial) lifestyle change. Not saying you need to plan sex, because that won't work, but rather see how you can easen the load a bit, be less busy, so that there is more time for spontanious stuff like that.

Of course an old fashioned seduction routine might work also, but that's a one or two time thing... and you need something more permanent right? ;)

Have you told him how you feel? If the difficulties began with your pregnancy and abortion 3 years ago, maybe something about than is still bothering him. As much as he loves you, he is ignoring something that is important to you. Tell him that no sex is not OK for you. Ask him why he does not want to go there. A good relationship addresses issues like this with honest communication. I don't think that seducing him is a long-term solution.

Quote:

belsammael disagrees: disagree. Age can have a lot of influence on somebody's daily routine, and that in turn can influence their sex life a lot.

please adherre to forum rules!!

disagrees are meant for factually incorrect posts. Many subjects, such as sexuality, are open to differences in opinion.

if you disagree with someone's opinion, that's fine... talk it out. Hitting their rep with a disagree is ignorant of forum rules and shows little respect for the value of a forum with differing opinions.

First, you state the problem started right after the abortion. Time to talk it out. Does he want kids in the long run? Do you? Have you had serious discussions about this... sex might be the symptom, but other things could be the source.

That said... its not all that uncommon for people to fall into a rut when they get into a long term relationship... some can work through it, some don't. It's the "been there, done them" syndrone... suddenly you know what the other person smells like, tastes like, etc... some of the mystery goes away, and we all know that's part of the energy of a new relationship... the unknown.

Stress can be a kill shot on libido. Also many other issues such as physical fitness, depression, medication, drugs, smoking... on and on...

So... its common to find yourself in a rut. Even the best marriages go through this. So you need to improvise and you need to talk. Communication is key to a long term, healthy relationship. You don't want a girlfriend or a butler... you want the guy that chased you down and couldn't wait to peel back your clothes one by one... right?

So... are you or is he using protection? Even proper use of birth control can result in pregnancy (my son was used with proper use of birth control with a failure rate of less than 5%, and we even knew her cycle fairly well... opps happens)... so the residual effect of "will she get pregnant again" might be a part of it... but really, I think there's more here than that... could just be the "comfort" zone of not needing to work that hard.

Does he ever try to get you off orally? When you do have sex, can he get you off by intercourse? Did you always have to initiate sex? Lots of questions about the "patterns" you fall into...

Don't assume all men screw anything that moves... there's enough women who write in here with partners who are all but asexual... but I think most of those cases have other issues at hand. Most men are interested in sex... but we let ourselves or our issues get in the way... so that's the task you face... what is it that's keeping him from chasing you.

Because you still need to be "chased"... even if you are married a decade or two... everybody wants to be needed and chased a bit.

You are young, which concerns me a little... I know the things I thought I needed at 18 and 22 are not the same as what I needed at 28 and 32... and the older I am, the most steady things are. Its not to say you aren't in love... its just that perspective can change so much in the late teens and early 20's... you, or he, might be going through this at this time.

Please talk to him as best you can... especially when you are trying to make major financial decisions together without the comittment of marriage... you are on unstable ground right now. Sex isn't all there is to a relationship, but sexual compatibility, esp when young, is something you need to explore and think about.