Ask Me Help Desk - Say one Thing and You do Another

What up with this?

I've been talking to this girl on match.com (yes, I figured I'd try it out) for the past week or so. I sent her a wink a month ago to let her know I was interested. I had forgotten all about her as she didn't return my wink, but then out of the blue she sent me an email saying she liked my profile and would like to know more about me.

We emailed back and forth some and everything seemed to be going well. However, it's important to note that there were some large gaps in the time it would take her to email back though - I think once it was like 5 or 6 days. I had pretty much given up on her, but then she emailed me back and gave me her number, saying the emails were getting long and she had a lot to say. So, I gave her a call. I got voice mail of course, which was to be expected, as she said she might be busy that night. She called me back the next night, but I was at a basketball game so I didn't hear my phone. By the time I noticed it was too late. I gave her a call the next day, and she didn't answer, so I left my phone at home and went out with some friends to grab a quick beer. When I got home, I noticed that she had called back almost right after I left. She left me a message with her AIM name in it, and told me to get online at work so we could chat and set up a time to talk on the phone.

I got online the next day and chatted with her for a bit at work, but we didn't set up a time that day, as I was busy, and she had signed off for the day while I was away from the computer.

The following day I saw her online, and we talked all day long. She seemed really cool! We had a lot in common as far as job and interests, and seemed like someone I would date. Plus, she was pretty cute - at least from her pictures. I asked if she had Facebook and gmail, and she gave both of them to me without hesitation. I kind of let her do most of the talking. I just kept asking her interesting questions so she could talk about herself, and would answer any questions she asked me, but try to keep my answers short. At some point in the conversation I told her "OK, no more phone tag." and said I was going to call her that night, and asked her when was a good time to call. We set up a time - around 10 or 10:30PM. The conversation went on for a little bit more, but then she signed off without saying bye or anything.

Anyway, I called her that night, but wherever she was at was loud and I couldn't really hear her (it was a Friday night, so she might have been out). She asked if she could call back in an hour or so. I told her sure, I might be out drinking but why the hell not. So of course she never called, which is too bad, because I was going to ask her if she would like to meet me for coffee the next evening.

Two days went by and there was no call. I get to work today (Monday) and she is nowhere to be found online. Maybe she's busy, or maybe she's not at work today, or MAYBE she simply is now avoiding me? Seems a bit ridiculous to be doing that already though, as we haven't even met each other yet, and from what I can tell all of our emails/chats have gone fine.

What the hell do I do?

I know it seems like a stupid question, but I'm really not up for a bunch of game playing. I did too much of that as I was going through a breakup with my girlfriend of 4 years, which was about 6 months ago, and I don't want to deal with any of that bull$hit right now. However, I also realize that game playing is involved in dating, whether I want it to be or not, so if I got to do it, I guess I will.

People I've asked for advice have given me both options. Some say I should wait for her to call, because that's what she said she would do, and she needs to follow through or it's not worth it - if I were to call her that would make me seem needy. Others say that girls say they are going to call all the time and don't as a way of testing the guy to see if he's really interested. Well, I'm definitely interested but I barely even know her and have never actually MET her. I don't want to play into any stupid games, and I don't want to take any sort of submissive position in any future relationship I get myself into. So I don't know what to do. What I don't get is why she would give me her number, talk to me all day long, return every call up until now, but then not call back when she said she would, or at least call the next day? Stupid girls. :)

My plan as of right now was to call her tonight, and if she didn't answer then just forget about her and look for someone else. It would be a shame though, as I feel like we would get along very well.

Anyone?

Darlin, if you don't want to play the game, then don't play. Its really that simple. It does sound like she's playing a game. Granted, she might truly just be busy, she might have signed off without saying goodbye because something came up or her boss walked in the room, or she may be testing you... but "testing you" is simply playing the game.

I think you're on the right track. Call her tonight, be cool and collected, but just decide that you're not going to play! She'd have lost something good. :)

You don't have to deal with this if you don't want to. Yes, you guys had chemistry, but believe me, there are a plethora of other girls with whom you can have the same (or better) chemistry!

Too much speculation.

Missed calls and logging off the computer are not great indicators of whatshe is thinking. These social networks leave a lot to the imagination. CALL her, actually SPEAK to her, and ask her out, that's it. NOW, if you call and she does not answer, leave a detailed message and tell her to call you back, if she doesn't, you have your answer. Just simplify the whole thing.

You like her, your going to call her to ask her out, if she likes you she will accept and call you back if she misses the call.

Focus on that and not all the other stuff that can clutter your judgement and make what you have to do a lot harder.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMI

Too much speculation.

Missed calls and logging off the computer are not great indicators of whatshe is thinking. These social networks leave alot tothe imagination. CALL her, actually SPEAK to her, and ask her out, thats it. NOW, if you call and she does not answer, leave a detailed message and tell her to call you back, if she doesn't, you have your answer. Just simplify the whole thing.

You like her, your going to call her to ask her out, if she likes you she will accept and call you back if she misses the call.

Focus on that and not all the other stuff that can clutter your judgement and make what you have to do alot harder.

Word 'em up. That's what I had planned on doing tonight because I felt like perhaps I was thinking too much into something that's probably nothing. I just wanted to post up on here and see what everyone had to say. I guess what I'm getting at is, if she said she would call but didn't, and then I call, does that make me seem... um, "needy" I guess? I'm simply saying that I expect people to do what they say they will, be it friends, family, girlfriend, whatever. Maybe that's an unrealistic expectation...

Slow down, what's the rush? It's great to be excited but in my opinion it sounds like you are too eager to get something going here. Personally I would wait a little longer before calling because the deal was that she was going to call you back. She may be busy so wait for her to make the next move. She could very well be playing games but I think that women like it when the guy refuses to play along and does whatever he wants. More importantly you save yourself the confusion.

Case in point, here is my experience with a similar situation. I was in a relationship with this girl about 2 years ago and when we first started dating the communication went hot and cold. We initially talked quite a bit and had a lot in common. Then all of a sudden it would take her about 2 weeks to e-mail me back. So what did I do? Well, I wasn't going to waste my time with someone who wasn't consistent and punctual with their communication, so when she finally e-mailed me I decided I didn't care and I waited a little more then 2 weeks to e-mail her back. You know what happened? She e-mailed me back that same day.

Don't make this girl a priority. Just go about your life and go with the flow. No use in stressing over someone you never even met.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

She could very well be playing games but I think that women like it when the guy refuses to play along and does whatever he wants. More importantly you save yourself the confusion.

See I was thinking that originally. BUT I also don't want to throw out the vibe that I'm not interested either, which could be a result of my "refusing" to play along... but she did say she would call and didn't, so assuming I'm avoiding game play, then it should be up to her. I mean, like I said before, I'd rather not deal with the bull$hit. I'm not 18 anymore. I expect certain things out of people I interact with and one of them is doing what you say you are going to, unless there's an emergency or something. Otherwise it's not worth my effort.

I don't want to come across as sounding desperate or anything. I'm just saying that it would be a shame to let this one pass by, as I'm fairly certain we would get along quite well assuming we actually met up and talked one day. But if she can't simply call back within a reasonable amount of time, then #uck it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

Don't make this girl a priority. Just go about your life and go with the flow. No use in stressing over someone you never even met.

Also very, very true.

You can see my confusion though. One of you has said I'm on the right track and should call her tonight. The other has said don't make her a priority and let her respond. I know ultimately I'll have to decide what to do, but I just wanted to see if the majority leans one way or another.

Yeah you should definitely wait to hear everybody's opinions because every one has different experience when it comes to these things.

Well, I think calling her is a great idea, but not just yet. In my opinion you should wait another day or two. It's hard to say if she is playing games. She may genuinely be busy or dealing with some tough times. That's why in my opinion patience is best. If she is busy then she will appreciate the fact that you are not pushy (you've only been talking for a week). Also, if she is really interested in you then she won't mind that you called a few days later (you don't want to deal with a girl who loses interest so quickly anyway).

The way I see it is if she's not willing to make some time to call me then why should I be so quick to call her. I have better things to do and plenty of other women to meet.

Quote:

Don't make this girl a priority. Just go about your life and go with the flow. No use in stressing over someone you never even met.

Love this phrase as its so true.
Its so easy to assume things when we get no feedback or communication or actions from others in which we can base an opinion on or make a plan with. First if someone says they will do something, let them do it, or leave it alone. If she never calls, so what, you always have other things to do, and be yourself and stop worrying about sending out the wrong vibe, as she may see things her own way anyway. Me, I don't put all my eggs in her basket, and don't worry if she never calls, as you can meet someone else, as easily as you met her. Keep the options open, and keep it moving.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Love this phrase as its so true.
Its so easy to assume things when we get no feedback or communication or actions from others in which we can base an opinion on or make a plan with. First if someone says they will do something, let them do it, or leave it alone. If she never calls, so what, you always have other things to do, and be yourself and stop worrying about sending out the wrong vibe, as she may see things her own way anyway. Me, I don't put all my eggs in her basket, and don't worry if she never calls, as you can meet someone else, as easily as you met her. Keep the options open, and keep it moving.

Haha, turns out I actually did meet her. Once for coffee to see if she was who she said she was (ya never know with online dating), another time for a beer, and just last night I took her out to eat and watch a game of NCAA Basketball Tourney. She seems like a pretty cool girl, pretty good looking, very easy to talk to, and someone I'm definitely interested in. Plus, she likes pretty much all the same things I do. Only problem now is trying to get to feel more romantic feelings for me. Any advice in that area would be helpful!

So far I've: Set up the time and location of each place we've met, with the exception of last time which was a compromise (but really in my favor) - in other words I tried to take some initiative and be in charge of the situation. Got her smiling and laughing some. Complemented her but not overly so. Paid the last two times we went out. I think she likes me but it's hard to tell, because she seems to have a good time when we go out, and so far she hasn't said no when I've asked her out. We had an pretty good time last time (or so I thought). She even invited me in when I picked her up last time, and in again when I dropped her off so that I could meet her roommate. BUT, she doesn't really give off any readable signs that point to wanting to be more physical. She doesn't twirl her hair or anything that could be a sign of "hey I really like you." So, I don't know. Crazy girls!

I did notice, however, after thinking about it some, she was kind of mirroring my actions, which I think is a good sign. Basically if I turned to face her and rested my head on my hand while I talked to her, she sort of did the same. Also, and the end of the night I remember standing in her apartment with my hands halfway in my pockets in sort of a "I'm standing here chilling" fashion, and she did the same. I hate this crap! I swear, I over analyze everything.

Also, I sent her a short text last night and no response! Also, she's usually online every day at work, but yesterday (day after date) she was nowhere to be found! Perhaps she didn't have as much fun as I did. I'll wait until tomorrow and give her a call. If she answers, awesome. If not, I'll leave a message and try again two days later. If she doesn't return the message or answer the second time, well... that's that then!

What is it you expect her to do fall in your arms and give you the best booty you ever had? Personally she is keeping her distance making sure your not a player after one thing or a pervert. This isn't a game on her part, but some smart caution, while getting to know the real you. I don't think she is that comfortable with you yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

What is it you expect her to do fall in your arms and give you the best booty you ever had? Personally she is keeping her distance making sure your not a player after one thing or a pervert. This isn't a game on her part, but some smart caution, while getting to know the real you. I don't think she is that comfortable with you yet.

Good point. And no, I don't expect that. All I was hoping for was some kind of sign that she might actually be interested. Otherwise I'd feel like I'd be wasting my time as far as looking for a new girl. Of course, if it doesn't work out, perhaps I'll have a new, cool friend... but that's not my goal really. All I was looking for was some pointers on what I could do to help it move in a more romantic direction.

Only real sign I've got so far is that she hasn't said NO to me asking her out, and last time was definitely a date. The first two times were just friendly encounters. I'm just looking to continue the seduction I guess (if that's what you call it). I was just hoping for some sign from her that I'm goin' the right direction. Guess I'll find out when I ask her out again...

What I need to do is just not think about it... but once something gets in my mind it goes round and round... its my fatal flaw :)

I think you are pretty much excited about your new affair after a breakup , and that's why thinking about it all the time :), I feel its natural , but try to appear more caring and friendly to her give her time and space that she might need , and you know haste makes waste , if you like her , she definitely noticed that so give her time to decide about u :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by drnidz

i think you are pretty much excited about your new affair after a breakup , and thats why thinking about it all the time :), i feel its natural , but try to appear more caring and friendly to her give her time and space that she might need , and you know haste makes waste , if u like her , she definitely noticed that so give her time to decide about u :)

You are absolutely right. Thank you!

I was simply asking what everyone thought my next step should be. She didn't respond to my text Friday night, which is fine. I don't always respond to texts either. So I waited a day, and was planning on giving her a call today to see if she'd like to do something sometime next week. I don't want to wait too long though, because that might give off the impression that I didn't have a good time, which I did. But I also don't want to be all over her this early either, because then I come across as not being a challenge and kind of creepy I guess.

Text her a "thanks for a good" time and call tomorrow.

See I have some weird sense to where I instantly know when I'm not going to be talking to a girl again. After I didn't see her online the day after our date, and after I sent that text the other night and she didn't respond, I figured I wouldn't be hearing from her. I have no idea why though! I thought we had fun on our date.

I called and left her a message last night that said "Hey its ***, hope everything is well with you. I had a good time last Thurs and was wondering if you would like to do something early on this week. Call me back if you get this, or maybe I'll talk to you online tomorrow?" Well of course she didn't return my call, and I get to work today and she is nowhere to be found online, again. Bummer.

Now I'm going to try and not be a "the glass is half empty" type dude - there could be other reasons as to why she's not online and didn't return my call. Who knows. I do know she was at work Friday and today (Monday) because I drive right by there on my way to work. My gut tells me though that I probably said or did something, and she lost all interest in me. Should I try calling her again in a couple of days, or just leave the ball in her court now? I definitely don't want to come across as desperate sounding. I waited 3 days after our date to call her. Only thing I did was send a short text the next night that didn't have anything to do with our date.

At the end of the date though she did ask me if she would see me online and I told her of course. Don't know where she is though...

Freakinconfused, if you are dating, then why does it seem you are just waiting on this one girl to give you confirmation. If she wanted another date or to talk to you she would have text you back or called, I really think messaging and text is an easy way to avoid communication verbally and she hasn't even done that. So don't call her or text anymore. Besides if you met her on a dating site, odds are she is still on her hunt could be going on other dates, if this is the case then understand she is widening her options in which you should be doing as well. Perhaps, the date went well but maybe she didn't feel a connection, anyway that's beside the point, the point is to not dwell too much energy on this one. I suggest that you keep dating.. I know you are in search of something real and would much rather be exclusive with one person, however, you still have to date and have fun, go on the date with low expectations.. and just enjoy being single for now..

You sent the text, so now the ball's in her court, and the other areas of your life, are waiting for your attention. It's absolutely to soon, and not healthy, to expect she responds so quickly, just because you want her to. Let it go, and focus on your own life. Gee Whiz, you text last night, and now your getting all down because she hasn't let you know something? Give her time to think. She is hardly the only date in town you know (maybe you aren't either). For sure you shouldn't be that focused on her.