Ask Me Help Desk - Friendzone: a bad thing?

Ok, I really need a woman's perspective on this question.

Is it really a bad thing to be in the friendzone with an ex that you hope to get back together with someday? I would think that showing someone you are still interested in them and just how much they mean to you, would possibly lead to your ex wanting to try again, i.e. winning them back so to speak.

In other words, from a woman's perspective, if you put an ex into the friendzone, does that mean that you won't be interested again in pursuing a relationship with them in the future?

Please no responses about NC to heal, all healing is done, the breakup was very amicable.

Personally once I've put him in the friendzone and there really is no messing around on the physical end it's because I've lost the physical attraction. The reason I've put ex's in the friendzone is because there is still unfinished business between us or they live so close that it would be to uncomfortable to totally break or because I'm trying not to hurt his feelings but keep in mind I'm known for being pretty cut and dried and once I close a door I think it's a waste to open it again.

I use to have a girl that was in a friendzone and we al ways use to do stuff when we were drunk like kiss and play with each other. Then the next morning go hello. Like it was all normal

But after a while it got a strange.

So be a friend but don't hope for anything. Because once you get your hopes it. Well that's never a good thing in that situation :)

All the best of luck to you though

Regards

You can't be that healed, as your still holding out hope, for more than friendship. Settling for friendship, under those circumstances may not be a good thing, especially if she gets interested in someone else.

I really would like to hear from some women about whether they, after having put an ex into the friendzone, would ever consider trying again with that ex? Is the friendzone a kiss of death for any possible future rekindling?

Thanks.

I'm not a woman so I can't help you there but I can help you with this. You are viewing this from the male point of view, which you obviously know since your asking for a woman's opinion. But women also understand emotions better then men and a woman who sees a guy hanging on holding out for hope, like you are doing, is going to be a woman who has no interest in you because in a way she has already slayed the dragon... she knows you'll always be available and that she can always dump her problems on you, which is exactly why a woman would keep her ex around as a friend.

You are waiting on her, and a woman wants a man who takes charge and doesn't need her which is killing any chance you have. If you want this woman you have to reinvent how you approach her and how you don't. But always being available isn't going to help you at all.

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Originally Posted by chuff

You are waiting on her, and a woman wants a man who takes charge and doesn't need her which is killing any chance you have. If you want this woman you have to reinvent how you approach her and how you don't. But always being available isn't going to help you at all.

Chuff, what kind of changes in my approach do you think I should make? We talk 3-4 days a week by phone, but don't hang out together at all. Its mostly idle chitchat, nothing too deep. I have helped her recently when she ran into a really tough time crunch, giving up one of my Saturdays to help her out. I'm not waiting around for her though, I have been dating others.

Thanks.

Quote:

What kind of changes in my approach do you think I should make?

Cut the chit chat and be less available.

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Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

Chuff, what kind of changes in my approach do you think I should make? We talk 3-4 days a week by phone, but don't hang out together at all. Its mostly idle chitchat, nothing too deep. I have helped her recently when she ran into a really tough time crunch, giving up one of my Saturdays to help her out. I'm not waiting around for her though, I have been dating others.

Thanks.

It's kind of ironic because I see what your doing and as a male thinking logically it makes perfect sense. To you... and anybody with a logical brain what your doing is staying in her life as a good guy, a person who is available and who will help her out thus showing her you are a nice guy and approachable to continue or restart your romantic relationship. It makes perfect sense.

The problem is you are dealing with a woman and they think with emotions and not logic. But from her perspective, what your doing is hanging on. You make yourself available 3 or 4 times a week via the phone which is almost a perfect situation for HER. She has to make no commitment to see you in person and if something is bothering her she can drop her problems on to you. Even if she is in a good mood she is sees talking on the phone as a break from her daily life. In other words it's not the focus, and it's not just a way to pass some time and bring the focus away from the other stresses of life.

Now that's not a bad thing if you were in the driver's seat because she would look forward to talking to you. But right now, she just uses you to get some temporary relief from her life.

I like what you said... so much I'll highlight it

Quote:

Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

I have helped her recently when she ran into a really tough time crunch, giving up one of my Saturdays to help her out.

I like how you worded this, but I'm not sure if you noticed what your ex and I both did. YOU gave up one of YOUR Saturday's to help HER. To you, you were being a nice guy and showing your value and I can see that because it makes sense. Again, we are dealing with someone who stears her life with emotions first and she sees a guy who gives up his time so easy for her as emotionally weak. To a woman emotional weakness is something they stear away from. A woman doesn't want a guy who is always available and will be her emotional slave, which is exactly what you have unknowingly done to yourself.

You have allowed her to define this relationship, even as friends, while you sit back and wait for her notice what she has given up. Again to you this makes sense... hell, this makes sense to me. But we are dealing with someone who sees this and her life from a different perspective.

I know you said in the OP that you didn't want to do NC but try it for just a couple weeks, not forever, just a couple weeks and then allow her to call you first. When she does YOU lead the conversation and then after about 10 minutes tell her you've got to go, but SHE can call you back at such and such time that is several days off. That will be the exact opposite of what you've been doing. You have taken control of the friendship and YOU have defined to her how much time she will get from you.

Hey NoSoupForYou, I'm a woman, I answered your question then you asked for a woman to answer the question. No soup for you my friend! But I have to tell you Chuff is giving you good advice. Now From A Woman this is how it works... We will nag you, we will push you and pull you to be who we SAY we want you to be and as soon as you are that guy... we will loose all respect for you and find a Real Man. Doesn't make a lot of sense does it? It's kind of along the lines with complaining about a problem then getting mad when our guy gives us a solution... we aren't looking for advice or solutions, we are just complaining.
If you are really interested in this female then you need to stop showing that you are interested. Even though she might not be spending her Saturday nights with you, she might get a bit upset if she thought you were spending your Sat. nights with someone else. It's something we women do. Often if we are not interested but know another female is interested we will take another look just because we can or because we wouldn't want to let something go that might be of interest.
Definitely let her call you and a few minutes into the call tell her you really can't talk right now because you've got someone else on the other line... or something like that. Just fake non interest and if there's any chance with her she will be knocking on your door. If that doesn't bring her around then there is no chance left and you will always be the guy she asks to give up his Saturday with nothing in return.
That's advice from a female point of view.

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Originally Posted by rachel101

If you are really interested in this female then you need to stop showing that you are interested. Even though she might not be spending her Saturday nights with you, she might get a bit upset if she thought you were spending your Sat. nights with someone else. It's something we women do. Often if we are not interested but know another female is interested we will take another look just because we can or because we wouldn't want to let something go that might be of interest.

Rachel101 and Chuff, thanks for the advice. I really need it I guess. I think I've pretty much already violated all of these rules. Have I already ruined any future chance?

Last Saturday, after helping her out, she asked me pointedly what happened with the woman she thought I was dating before her. I totally folded on that issue and told her that I had never dated that woman, agh, she was maybe probing?

Then when she saw me checking my watch, she asked if I had a hot date to get to... I did, but in my male driven brain, I thought if I told her that she would be put off... so instead I said no, just had to run some errands.

And then the biggest mistake of all... as we were talking, we got on the subject to me having dated some other women, and I said... that none of them compared to her, she was better than all of them...

I haven't asked her on a date, but I have asked her to do things like go for a walk and such...

Ok, so I will go NC for the next couple of weeks. I won't call, etc. I do see her at work occasionally. I don't want to be rude or anything to her, how do I handle that situation if it arises (she wants to talk to me at work)?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Cut the chit chat and be less available.

You are totally right, it's just a shame he is ignoring "the guys" on this one. You need to lte this girl go, it looks to me like she is being nice and you are setting yourself up for more hurt from her in the future. It appears she has moved on, maybe you should do the same. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

You are totally right, it's just a shame he is ignoring "the guys" on this one. You need to lte this girl go, it looks to me like she is being nice and you are setting yourself up for more hurt from her in the future. It appears she has moved on, maybe you should do the same. :rolleyes:

I'm not ignoring any advice... I said that I am going to follow chuff's advice...

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Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

Rachel101 and Chuff, thanks for the advice. I really need it I guess. I think I've pretty much already violated all of these rules. Have I already ruined any future chance?

I can't predict the future, but I can tell you that even in that statement I detect a man who is hanging on for hope and not defining it. Now I'm a guy, and she can read stuff like this much better then you and I both so you need to start thinking about number 1 and not about what she thinks about number 1. A woman doesn't want a guy that is worried about what she thinks which is exactly what has happened here.

Like I said, I can't predict the future, but YOU can define it. You can start to take some control in this situation and back off. Right now, in this situation you are going to her, she is not coming to you. That has to flip flop.

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Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

Last Saturday, after helping her out, she asked me pointedly what happened with the woman she thought I was dating before her. I totally folded on that issue and told her that I had never dated that woman, agh, she was maybe probing?

She was probing, perhaps to find out what the other girl saw in you, or as I would think if you stayed in her life after the break up like you have in her's.

I have to be honest, you didn't play this card well, in fact I think this was worse then not telling her you were going on a date that night. It comes off as lying and I'm not sure how you can recover from that. I would never bring it up again, but if she brings it up I would throw it right back at her and say, "You kept bringing her up all the time, so I wanted you to feel like you were on that same level because I was trying to make you feel good about yourself." I'm not sure if that would or could work, maybe modify it to fit your situation but my point is don't lay down for her anymore. When she tests you stand up to it and throw it back at her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

Then when she saw me checking my watch, she asked if I had a hot date to get to....I did, but in my male driven brain, I thought if I told her that she would be put off...so instead I said no, just had to run some errands.

I would agree that you could have told her you were going on a date but this could actually be turned around in you favor. By the way you tell us what she's asking you, I get the impression she is almost laying the challenge for you to date someone else. It comes off like she believes you can't or won't which leaves her in charge.

So, now you've now got a situation where she's laid the challenge and you took it. She just doesn't know it yet. After your few weeks of NC, she's going to be asking this question, "What have you been doing?" At that time you can tell her, "I've been busy with some new friends." That is only going to lead her to start questioning who these new friends are. Don't play all your cards here, instead just say you've been having a good time and it all started that Saturday you spent with her, which you can THANK HER for. Tell her that after spending the day helping her you felt really good and spent that evening with your new friends and have been ever since. Tell her that it was her cheerful mood that started your new found luck and fortune.

By doing this you are giving her credit for luck and fortune while at the same time creating mystery as to who this other person is or was that night.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

And then the biggest mistake of all...as we were talking, we got on the subject to me having dated some other women, and I said...that none of them compared to her, she was better than all of them....

Ouch. That puts her in the drivers seat and doesn't help your cause. A good answer would have been "your number 4 but I might be able to work you in the number 3 position." I don't know that's just off the top of my head, I'm sure there is something better. Either way that just gives her the power. Without saying a word she has defined the relationship. At this point this can't be undone, but neither can anything else you've done. You need take the focus off the negative and bring it back to the positive. You need to "reset" the relationship then redefine the relasionship.

Resetting it will require the break we've already talked about. Believe it or not that will not be the hard part. Redefining what she already knows will be the hard part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

I haven't asked her on a date, but i have asked her to do things like go for a walk and such...

When your done with no contact you will not ask her to do anything. Even after you get her to call you or talk to you, and you want to do something word like this, (and I truly recommend using the ice cream example I'm about to give)

You; I'm going to Baskin Robbons (or local ice cream place) for bubble gum ice cream(or some unique flavor). I love it because when I'm done I have a mouth full of gum. Are you coming with me? (Do you see that. You are not asking her to do a damn thing. You are defining to her, what you will be doing, and SHE may participate with YOU at your level. Not at hers. You are defining yourself and what she can do, you are giving her the option to come and if she doesn't you still won't be denied. What you do is dependent on you, not on her.

Her: She may say yes. She also may say no, Let's assume she does. "No"

You; You don't like ice cream? (Puts her on the defensive even as something trivial as ice cream, she has never been on the defensive with you). I don't know if I can associate with someone who doesn't like ice cream? (Again, you are defining this and you are now questioning her, on something as stupid as ice cream. But now she's thinking, Why is he teasing me with ice cream, why do I really not want ice cream, why is he questioning me, and why is different.)

Her; I like ice cream it's just that I'm really busy doing...

You; Ice cream doesn't wait, I can't hold off any more, Call me later.

Now you don't have to follow this exactly... or at all for that matter. My point is that you can take something trivial like ice cream and start to redefine what's going on here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nosoupforyou

Ok, so I will go NC for the next couple of weeks. I won't call, etc. I do see her at work occassionally. I don't want to be rude or anything to her, how do I handle that situation if it arises (she wants to talk to me at work)?

I would not be rude to her, but just keep it short and move on. Even throw in a joke and if she laughs excuse yourself and move on. Leave her last impression a short, mysterious, but happy one.

Hey NSFY: I like what Chuff says but we all got to be who we are so if you have any chance with this girl and I think you do because she has shown a great deal of interest in whether other women are interested in you or not so you're still in the ball park. She's still sizing you up dude and you are on the maybe list. Now you just have to get her off the fence and I'll bet I know the answer. You just need to portray "cool" (ie: confident, not needy) She's cool, you're cool, if she wants to hang around you (key word: around you not around her) then that's cool.
You asked how to deal with it when you see her at work after this obvious no contact time, no problem, her absence hasn't bothered your life at all but of course it's always nice to see her. I wouldn't so much talk about your other friends as your other activities. What you been doing? "Hiking, snowboarding, spent the weekend at the beach/mountains" (whatever the cool thing in your area is right now). If she asks who you went with, the answer is, "some friends of mine".
Most women find neediness in a man very unattractive although we always want to know that our guy needs us. Yes I know it's a tricky ridiculous line but it's just the truth. So never let on that the NC time was painful or anything because you are a confident guy with a whole life to live and if she's sweet and nice she can jump in and be a part of your world but your world goes on with or without her... that's how to take the power and keep the power. Just remember you have to be sensitive and practice loving acts at the same time. That's how not to be a door mat and feel better about yourself by taking control of your life and maybe you'll get the girl at the end of the day. And if you don't get this girl there will be another one and this one will just be practice.
Hope this helps.