Ask Me Help Desk - Seeing the Ex tonight, what is she up to ?

I have posted my story here on a few threads, She left me after 2 years to go back to her abusive Ex last summer, when she left me it was because she could not get stronger feelings for me, I know she tried, she was honest with me about it and I took it very hard. I treated her very good.

She lives with him and Is planing to marry him. I had been in NC for about 2 months, she had wanted to be friends.

Last week she emails a Mutual friend and said she thinks Me and my parents hate her, My friend replyed back that no one hates her and I care for her very much and it is hard for me to talk to her and I am just giving her space, which is all true, I was fine with our mutual friend telling her that.

5 days ago she calls me and says she just sent me a email but could not wait for my response so that is why she called, she was very nice, she wanted to know if my parents (they were very close with her, she loves them very much) would like tickets to a play, the play is Wed - Sat night, I told her Sat would be best for them, I told her I would find out if they wanted to go, I called her back and said they would, she asked if I would take them as it was a bit of a drive at night and they are older, I said I would. She was going to the play on Wed night and would pick up tickets then, she said she would interoffice the tickets to me when she gets them (we work in the same building).

Well on Thus she emails me and said they gave her the wrong tickets and she would have to go back there that night to get new tickets.

Yesterday afternoon (friday) she emails me and says she forgot to interoffice them to me that morning and was afraid it would be to late now to do that, I told her there still was enough time to catch the last mail run, she replys back she does not want to take that chance, I then say she can just walk up the stairs and put them in my mail slot then, (she knows where my mail slot is and it would be only a 2 min walk for her) she replys I can meet you at the play sat night because I have to go there anyway and I can give you the tickets there. I give in with mixed feelings about seeing her and say OK.

Later in the day she sends me her new Cell number and says call me if something comes up and that she will see me Sat night and wishes me a good weekend.

I don't know why she did not send me the tickets interoffice mail or just walk them up to my mail station. Is she using this as an excuse just to see me ? I know her guy is out of town right now and I don't think he would like what she is doing. I don't think he knows about me and her.

I am wondering if she is just going to give me the tickets and then leave or if she is planning to see the show also, I wonder this because she said she was planning on being there Sat night anyway, maybe she might even sit with us, I should have asked.

When I told Our mutual friend he was really surprised she would be doing this, but he thinks she is just trying to reach out and show me that she wants to be my friend, and its nothing more than that. He also said now that I planned to meet her it may tell her that I am OK being a friend and that in the future she may try stuff like this again, if that is true next time I will have to tell her why I cannot be her friend.

I tried to avoid this but she would not interoffice the tickets so that's the deal. While I would like to be with her again I don't see it. I plan on being nice to her when I see her and not asking any questions, I hope she will pay more time talking to my parents, So I will put on my happy face tonight, Is that how I should be with her tonight ?

I don't think seeing her will set me back, as I said though I have mixed feelings about seeing her again.

So why do you think she handled this the way she did ? How would you act tonight ? Maybe she will just give us the tickets and then leave or go to the play, I don't know.

My first thoughts are that she feels guilty about the breakup and leaving you and is trying to set things right, and keep you around. She probably really likes you and doesn't want to lose your friendship and/or keep you around if things presently change.

Post back after Saturday and lets see what her actions are not her words. She is up to something no doubt, she could have easily sent the tickets and she planned this, so let's see where this goes.

Play it cool, no discussing the past. Be aloof.

I'm going to have to agree with your mutual friend. I highly doubt she is doing this to ask you about getting back together. If that was the case she would have already broken up with her current boyfriend and would have been more direct about getting together.

Moreover, I agree with Living that she feels guilty about what happened and wants to make amends. However, more than anything I think that she really cares about you and wants you in her life, just not in the way you want. I have a gut feeling that she truly cherishes your friendship and doesn't want to lose it. But it's up to you if you want that.

Do exactly what Living suggested: play it cool and don't discuss the past. Ask her how she's been, if possible make her smile, and then go watch the show. None of us know exactly what's going to happen so you will just have to go with the flow.

Above all though, don't meet up with her carrying the idea that she will ask you to get back together. If you do that you are going to fall hard. No expectations, just go and see what happens. Good luck and keep us up-to-date.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

I'm going to have to agree with your mutual friend. I highly doubt she is doing this to ask you about getting back together. If that was the case she would have already broken up with her current boyfriend and would have been more direct about getting together.

Moreover, I agree with Living that she feels guilty about what happened and wants to make amends. However, more than anything I think that she really cares about you and wants you in her life, just not in the way you want. I have a gut feeling that she truly cherishes your friendship and doesn't want to lose it. But it's up to you if you want that.

Do exactly what Living suggested: play it cool and don't discuss the past. Ask her how she's been, if possible make her smile, and then go watch the show. None of us know exactly what's going to happen so you will just have to go with the flow.

Above all though, don't meet up with her carrying the idea that she will ask you to get back together. If you do that you are going to fall hard. No expectations, just go and see what happens. Good luck and keep us up-to-date.

I think your thoughts
Are pretty much on. But I am not carring the idea that she wants me back, I have no expectations. And you are right, I will have to see what happens. I just found it odd that she needed to give these tickets to me in person.

In the future, it would help to be firm, and stand by what you say. You could save the assumptions and the drama.

She is getting rid of her guilt man. I wouldn't let her leave her alone and say look I can't be friends with you. Lets just have good memories and that's it

Then you won't put your self threw all this wondering and you can finally find a girl that loves you.

Well she showed up with the tickets, she had her sister with, she gave both my parents nice long hugs, (its been 7 months) we just kind of looked at each other and that was about it. I noticed her dimond ring, she looked so very nice. (a friend at work who knows her but she does not know we are friends told me a month ago she was getting married this march, yesterday he told me she is now planning to get married in Vietnam this Nov)

She was also staying and had seats somewere else, She said she would come and see us at intermission, our seats were right in the middle, first row, best in the house, the place was packed.

At intermission my mom got up to go to the restroom, My ex came down to about 20 feet away from us and smiled and waved, she talked to her friend the choir diroctor and then waved again as she was leaving, I waved back as she left, she could have came over by us but did not.

When my mom came back she said she tallked to my ex in the lobby, the ex told her that she wanted to say hi to me and dad but could not get to us because of all the people. Mom said she wished her happiness and then my ex told my mom that I am a very good man and that she is praying everday that I find a special person. She told mom she would get her tickets again next year. And that she would bring over egg rolls sometime.

After the play was over I was wondering if we would run into them, the ex's seats were in the balcony and I think we made it to the lobby first, we did not see her so we left, should we have waited for her ?

Well that is what happened, never really had a chance to interact with her, maybe that is good, It was so nice to see her, yet so hard to see her.

I have a feeling I will hear from her again, I am not sure what to do, just be nice when she contacts me and not say much, but never contact her myself, or maybe tell her why it is difficult to be her friend. I have to give this some time and thought.

I will admit last night was difficult for me, maybe God is testing me.

Actions speak louder than words, and despite she is staying on good terms with your parents, she will use this to get you in the friendzone, and keep you there, as that's where she wants you. Me, I don't talk to her at all. It will do no good, and dredge up those feelings again and again. You really have nothing more to say to her. Keep it that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynxwizard

Mom said she wished her happiness and then my ex told my mom that I am a very good man and that she is praying everday that I find a special person.

I think this says it all. Your ex really does care about you, in fact you mean a lot to her. Problem is that its just not in the way you want. You were clearly an important part of her life and helped her through some tough times, but she loves someone else. At this point you need to ask yourself if you are okay with being a part of her life, but just as a friend.

As much as it hurts its clear that she is never coming back. There is no trick, game, amount of contact, or lack thereof, that will bring her back. I can't tell you what to do, but I can show the two options you have. You can either put the hurt aside at this very moment and remain part of her life as friends and only friends, or you can cut all contact until you have fully healed (maybe in another year you can both be friends again). Take the path that is least painful to you.

Sorry for the hurt. Best bet go NC. Find another girl and then in 2-3 years maybe you all can hang together as friends.

BTW, your mom's sounds like a classy lady.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

I think this says it all. Your ex really does care about you, in fact you mean a lot to her. Problem is that its just not in the way you want. You were clearly an important part of her life and helped her through some tough times, but she loves someone else. At this point you need to ask yourself if you are okay with being a part of her life, but just as a friend.

As much as it hurts its clear that she is never coming back. There is no trick, game, amount of contact, or lack thereof, that will bring her back. I can't tell you what to do, but I can show the two options you have. You can either put the hurt aside at this very moment and remain part of her life as friends and only friends, or you can cut all contact until you have fully healed (maybe in another year you can both be friends again). Take the path that is least painful to you.

The thing is we don't know if she is never coming back, people have gotten back before under even worse conditions, But I admit while I want that, I have to look at it like she never will, that's all I can do.

I am going to move on and not contact her, if she contacts me I will be polite, but not get into any dialog with her, I mean what do we have to talk about ? If the day comes were something changes with her than we will see, but I have to go on now with the idea that she is not coming back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LivingtheLifeinFLA

Sorry for the hurt. Best bet go NC. Find another girl and then in 2-3 years maybe you all can hang together as friends.

BTW, your mom's sounds like a classy lady.

Thank you, Mom is really a very special women.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynxwizard

The thing is we dont know if she is never coming back, people have gotten back before under even worse conditions, But I admit while I want that, I have to look at it like she never will, thats all I can do.

I am going to move on and not contact her, if she contacts me I will be polite, but not get into any dialog with her, I mean what do we have to talk about ? if the day comes were something changes with her than we will see, but I have to go on now with the idea that she is not coming back.

You're right. I can't read the future so I don't truly know whether she will come back. However, in all honesty, based on what you have told us it is very unlikely. No one knows what your life holds, she may or may not come back into your life. For now though, you have to take it as it is. Whatever happens in your future I hope you find the happiness you deserve. It sounds like you know what you're doing and you are on your way to moving on. Good luck and keep us up-to-date.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

You're right. I can't read the future so I don't truly know whether or not she will come back. However, in all honesty, based on what you have told us it is very unlikely. No one knows what your life holds, she may or may not come back into your life. For now though, you have to take it as it is. Whatever happens in your future I hope you find the happiness you deserve. It sounds like you know what you're doing and you are on your way to moving on. Good luck and keep us up-to-date.

Thanks, she just called me this morning and wanted to tell me that she wanted to visit after the show but her sister wanted to leave, she was very nice about it, when I picked up she said "Good Morning Sleeping Beauty", I did end up chatting with her ( I know I am weak) I told her I pray for her and that My parents love her and I feel its OK for her to be in touch with them, I won't take that away from them, they remind her of her parents who are dead.

She was happy I said that, I also told her it was difficult to see her and maybe its is best that we don't see each other again, she did not say anything. Then she said have a good day and that was it.

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