I am married for the last 4 years having a daughter.we had a love marrige.I am still quite happy with my married life.some months before I came across a man whom I started loving.We had sex twice.loving himmore day by day... at the same time I love my husband too.. is that wrong to love two men at one time.am I cheating my husband.till now my husband doesn't knows about all this.Sometimes I feel like to confess him everything.sometimes I feel to break the relationship I have with the other man.Wht should I do .I am confused.Is this love of mine or just an inclination towards another manOr it is a sexual desire of mine.I didn't find asnwers to my questions. Help

Yes it is wrong, you are doing your husband very badly, ** guess you would not care if he was sleeping with someone else ?**

You break off all contact with the other person, no email, no phone calls, no meeting, can get counseling if you have to.

Of course if you wish to leave your husband, let him keep the daughter since this would be only fair since you are the one who wants out.

You can certainly love more than one person at a time.

If you are married, the issue is what you do about it. You also mention a daughter. For her sake you need to carefully consider what you are doing. If your husband finds out, there will be a great deal of hurt passed around. Whether you realize it or not, she will be in for a fairly large share and she deserves none of it. Kids always think fights between mom and dad are their fault.

I strongly recommend not confessing the affair. That is your guilt talking. If your husband doesn't know and you can end the other relationship, this is best for your daughter, your husband and your marriage. You must deal with your guilt all by yourself.

Yes it's wrong to love two men at the same time. You are married, did your marriage vows mean anything or were they just words that you recited because they sounded good at the time? You are cheating on your spouse, if you love him so much than this other man shouldn't even be an issue. You cannot have both. Your husband has a right to know that you are cheating and base his decision on the facts.

You have a choice, this is not something that happened to you, but a situation that you yourself created. It's time to be a responsible adult and face the music. Choose, you can't have both.

Well, you can have both... for a while. You can't do it indefinitely. You will eventually get caught.

I would end it. Again, confessing will not serve the relationship. Just don't do it again.

I don't agree. Getting caught is not the issue, she's married and should uphold the vows that she took with her husband. If she wants to sleep around then she shouldn't have gotten married.

Confession is good for the soul. Her husband has a right to know that she has put him at risk for a std and has broken their marriage vows. She's not the only one who has a decision to make, so does he.

So you say that you are in love with 2 men at once. I have to disagree.
You don't love either, because if you loved your husband you would not cheat on him.
If you loved the man you are cheating with you would be with him, and not keeping him your dirty little secret.

Therefore, you don't love either, because you wouldn't do something like that to someone you love.

You don't love either of them, because you don't love yourself. You want to be loved, but don't know how and your motives are selfish, and even cruel. If your husband was cheating as you are now, how would you feel? If you don't know how to cope with your own feelings, get help, but free the ones who will be hurt by your lack of judgement.

English is a poor language for dealing with this issue. The single term for love does not capture anything like its complexity.

I think you guys are confusing culture and commitment with love. I would agree that in our culture (2008 US) it is not acceptable to be married to one individual and be sexually involved with another. Based on what our culture says about these relationships, mjl and talaniman are perfectly correct and the issue they are pointing to is commitment. There is no legal framework for a relationship of this type. That is not to say humans cannot love multiple individuals.

Multiple marriage has existed since biblical times and certainly does today. It exists in the US and in many countries around the world. I challenge you to tell me humans in these relationships do not love each other. I would also challenge you to convince me that this culture we have in the US today is morally any better than any other that exists or has existed in the past.

Good or bad, we can love multiple persons. As I said before, it depends on what one does about it given the culture they are in.

Are we really arguing about the definition of Love?

The point is that you shouldn't love two men at the same time, not that you can't, obviously you can. If the OP cares at all about her husband and daughter then she should keep her pants on and be faithful.

Multiple marriages do indeed exist, in most countries it is illegal to be married to more than one person at a time, but bigamy does exist. Does that make it right? I guess that does depend on who you are and the culture you are in.

Maybe the OP should ask her husband if it's okay for her to sleep with the other guy as well as him. Tell him that she loves them both and wants them both, maybe he's open minded and will go for the idea. Heck, why even bother with marriage and marriage vows, why doesn't everyone just live for love and who cares about marriage and decency and the family unit? Follow your heart and who cares about the consequences, as long as you're happy right?

Why even bother getting married if you fall in and out of love every time the wind changes? Stay single, that way you can fall in love and sleep with anyone you want, what a great example for the kids.

Well, another rant for me. Good luck to the OP and her love triangle.

Last comment and I'll shut up about it.

According to the Ethnographic Atlas Codebook (a book attempting to provide statistics on all known societies from 1960-1980), of the 1231 societies noted, 186 were monogamous. 453 had occasional polygyny, 588 had more frequent polygyny, and 4 had polyandry. The good old US of A isn't in the majority on this issue. That said, the direction of this thread doesn't speak to the question asked.

One can like multiple people. One can love multiple people. One can definitely lust after multiple people. If one takes an oath of monogamy, the best course of action is to follow it to the best of one's ability. Those abilities vary with the individual and the circumstance. Just because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean the jig is up.

You guys sound like you have been on the receiving end of this situation. How did you feel when your significant other confessed or you caught them? How did things work out in the long run for the relationship? Were kids involved? What was the impact on them?

Much is at stake here. I'm not so much interested in making her pay for her humanness as wanting the relationship, especially including the child, to continue.

I also don't know what the "rights" of spousal units are. That topic is probably worth another thread.?

I really don't think that bigamy has anything to do with her question. I'm pretty sure she isn't in a bigamist relationship, or else she wouldn't have had a reason to post this question.
If she was in a bigamist relationship, then all the power to her. But the fact is, it is not, because her husband doesn't know about it, and any husband deserves more than that. He deserves to know what is going on. She should at least have the decency to tell him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rodandy12

You guys sound like you have been on the receiving end of this situation. How did you feel when your significant other confessed or you caught them? How did things work out in the long run for the relationship? Were kids involved? What was the impact on them?

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It's pretty judgmental to assume that we have been cheated on. In fact, I haven't. I am married to a wonderful husband. The reason I have an opinion about this topic is not because my husband cheated on me, it is because I have common sense to know that in a monogamist relationship (which this lady in in) people don't have sex with other people.

I've never been cheated on either, but if I ever had been I would want to know. This women is cheating on the man she married, she is making a mockery out of her marriage vows. Her husband is sitting at home thinking that his married life is all fine and dandy and she's sleeping with and obsessing about another man. I think he has a right to know that things aren't as great as they seem. I also think that he has a right to know that his loving wife has put him at risk for an std. He should have all the facts so that he can make a decision, the balls not only in her court.

Wow... poor lady, so attacked.

Yes, of course it's possible to love two people at once. It's even possible for polyamory/polygamy to work, in many places.

The reason it's NOT going to work for you, though, is that you're not being honest with anyone--not your husband, not this other man, and not yourself.

My advice is to break off the relationship with the other guy (if you loved him, truly, you wouldn't be asking about it here), get tested for STDs to make sure you haven't given your husband a death sentence unwittingly, and then get your rear end into counseling.

As far as telling your husband--well, that's up to you. It's unfair if you do, and unfair if you don't at this point. The time to tell your husband was BEFORE you started having sex with someone else. Now you're stuck between feeling guilty the rest of your life or giving your husband a right to leave you, taking your daughter with.

Not a pretty place, lady. Good luck, you're going to need it.

I don't see how you can be so in love with one person then take time to get to know another then hop into bed with him and say you now love him as well.
IMO, you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage and no respect for husband. Unless you went into the marriage agreeing that it can be an "open" one, you have no business communicating with another man and then start having sex with him.
You are sounding young, confused and selfish. You should also question the mindset and motives of the other guy. What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife and has no problem doing so?

Thanks a lot to you all for giving your opinions.But I think that you are taking this question morein pphysical terms.Is it necessary that you should be single if you love anybody.Is that makes any difference that you cannot love two men at one time.For me it doesn't makes unless and until you love them both Equally and respect both of them.yes I know my happiness of being loved ny two men is limited and short lived.and it limits to by husbands knowledge.But it is love in which can't be helped.At times I feel that what I am doing is wrong.infact very wrong but when I look itno my husband's eyes I see that there is no change in my love for him.it is too incerasing day by day,The moment my husband get to know all this I will try to convince him.if he doesn't I will obey to what he will say to me.cuz its me who is wrong.and as far as this other man is concerned I am nt having the only bed relation with him.there is something in him which is keeping me stick to him.Some qualities some ways which I found in him and still I hv to discover a lot in him.Again I woulkd like to THANK U ALL

As you get older, and wiser, you will know the difference between lust and love, but at a very high price. Sometimes we learn the hard way.

I think so often in situations like this one the only reason you probably feel the urge to confess is so that somebody, other than yourself, will make the decision for you. This in turn will force you to take the one left after the shake up.

Having your husband be the one that leaves and forcing you to decide is so wrong and really heartbreaking, and I don't know you or him. What I do know is that you need to take a step back and decide what it is that made you cross a forbidden line to begin with. From there you will better understand your motives and in the end your intentions.

I think all of us struggle with uncertainties in our lives. However, you have to look within yourself and decide are you a young woman with integrity and strength to decide what it is that you really want to give and receive in return.

You have to be careful with your decision and make it based upon what your heart and head both say. You cannot let one be stronger than the other. And please do not confess to your husband so you don't have to make the decision and play the victim card. You will loose yourself down that road, I promise you that.

Show respect to your husband and let the other man go, or let go and walk away from your marriage but do it right and do it with the highest respect to his feelings and the love he has given you. He is a human being and he has a heart that is just as fragile as yours.

Good luck with however this turns out...

First you need to break it off with the other guy
If you don't you could end up losing your husband and possibly the other guy as well
It is possible to have a love for two guys but you can only be faithful with one.
There are different types of love so you can love the other guy but it should be more of a friendship love than love like your love for your husband.
Life is right telling your husband can complicate or simplify the situation.
Simplifying it would be him saying hit the road and don't come back. Then you are free to be with the other guy.
Complicating it would be your husband hurt and you still have no clear direction.

I say all the time we can't help how we feel, but we can help, what we do about it.