I have known my best friend, I will call Sue, for 7 years. We are both fairly young in our early 20's. She used to be one of the happiest, care-free, motivated, loving people I know. Then, came her boyfriend I will call Joe. Joe and Sue have been together now for 3 years. Ever since the beginning of their relationship he has treated her like dirt. He comes from a wealthy family and doesn't have to pay for anything in his life. He is without a job because his family takes care of him and he is in his late 20's. He was brought up to believe that the men are in total control. I believe his insecurity is why he treats my friend as he does. (that and his drug addiction)

In the beginning he would ash his cigarette on her, pour orange juice on her, demean her and her family (including myself) by using crude and vulgar language, the worst imaginable. He would bring her self esteem down to nothing by telling her she was fat (by the way she weighs 105 lbs.) and calling her other names that you would call a professional dancer.

For someone reason, she stays. I can't figure it out. I feel as though she has stamped all over me. I have tried to help her on numerous occasions. Once, he threw an ash tray at her head and split it open... I immediately got help, but she turned and accused me of exaggerating and nothing came of it. I think she did this because he told her how sorry he was and he would change etc. I didn't talk to her for 4 months after that.

Obviously, we are talking again, but its only gotten worse. He keeps his couped up in their house and won't jump start her car. ( I believe its so that she can't leave the home without taking his car so that he knows she is leaving). They both are jobless because when she doesn't get a job he will turn off her alarm so she doesn't wake up... then telling her it was an accident. He continues to call her family and friends harsh names especially when he is on drugs. He doesn't not let her go out of the house to hang out with friends... if she tries to this is when he gets violent.

I picked her up two weeks ago because he punched her on both sides of the head and bit her finger. She told me she needed me and is completely done with him. Her dad picked her up and told her that she could stay with him at his home. She did, for two nights. Now, she is back over at Joe's house because, she claims she likes the freedom of living without her parents. Her dad would "nag" her to get a job and get out of bed where as at Joes home they would sleep all day long. I just don't understand why she is back there with Joe. He gave her the same old sob story of I will change. I am so frusturated because I love her and I know this is not her. I feel that she is brainwashed and I have been "stomped" on so much by her that I want to give up. I just don't want to deal with and help someone who doesn't want it. I can't fathom living with someone who says that her father needs "two in the head" or calls her mother nasty words as well as calling Sue nasty words. I can't fathom living with someone who put his hands on me and checks my body parts after I go out for a night with my friends to make sure I wasn't having an affair.

What should I do??

Mane that's mess up... I really feel you on this... you need to stick by her side at any cost because it seems sooner or later it will get worse and she will need you at the time where she will just say... "I'm done with him for good'' and she will look at you as a sweet loyal friend and also I don't know if you guys have a close feelings for each other I think you two will make a good couple but also don't forget to pray and wait for that time when the time is right only then she will know the right time to just give up this sorry loser... stuff like this makes me sick... men treating woman like piece of meat as good men are hard to find for woman that are looking for those that will treat them right... trust me... it will come to a time she will come to her sense just don't leave her side... and try to tell her good things and positive things about her and she should do better and but also respect her wishes

If you think she might be in danger, even the slightest bit, I would contact professional help. If he is like this now, and she stays with him for reasons unknown, imagine what he will be like a couple months down the road? She could end up really wounded or worse yet... dead!

It sounds like your friend 'Sue' has very low self esteem and respect for herself. No woman, no matter what race, age, religion etc should be treated like crap. A woman deserves a man that would always put her first before him; treat her like a queen; love her; adore her; make her feel special and needed. None of this 'I'm-a-man-so-bow-down-to-me bulls**t.

This deadbeat Sue calls her boyfriend makes me sick to my stomach. If she won't even take your advice then there is no use trying. She knows what's going on but refuses to take action. I'm sorry but that is her fault. As a best friend though I would definintely contact a professional. There are hotlines that specifically target abusive relationships. She should talk to her doctor about this as well. He/she will help.

Good luck!

Your friend is in a SERIOUS SITUATION! YOu my friend, are between a rock and a hard place. I have been there. I had my closest, bestest friend go through this and initially I tried to help her. I wanted her to get away from him. He was abusive, a liar and a cheater. Well, he made her believe I was jealous of them and that I was trying to ruin a good thing!! She stopped being my friend after I found out he was cheating and I told her. He would put pillows over her and try to choke her, but I am the bad friend. He wouldn't let her go anywhere or talk to her friends. SAME THING, it didn't get better. IN fact, they are still together. Through thick and thin, even when he moved out because he wanted to live with his mistress, he wouldn't divorce her. NOw they are living together again.

MY point in telling you this is, I know how painful it is for you to watch her get abused over and over. It is so frustrating because she is so dependent upon him and accepts everything he does and YOU actually love her and care for her, but she doesn't see it. ANYTHING he does wrong will be someone else's fault. You will be the scapegoat for anything he doesn't want to take responsibility for. She will probably end up in the hospital or worse. I don't know why her parents would let her go back. He must have some SERIOUS control over her. Her family can't even stop him, and you are only one person. First, she has to be DONE< and I mean COMPLETELY done with him before you can actually keep her away. That may not ever happen. As difficult as it is, don't stop loving her. Try to be there to listen, to be objective. Ask questions, don't try to tell her what to do, she will only withdraw. When she calls you crying or in pain, try to find out what she wants in life to be happy. What does she need? Have her begin thinking about those things. Help her to realize she is worthy of a more normal life.

He is probably the cheater. NO ONE in their right mind checks people to see if they were with someone, unless they have a guilty conscience themselves or they are just plain CRAZYY!!
Maybe if you can catch him doing something wrong and have her find out on her own, that might be enough to anger her to leave him. She is giving up her life, her family, her friends and her self worth and safety to be with a loser. I think she has gotten very comfortable with the lazy lifestyle they have and maybe she is afraid to leave and become a responsible adult. That you can't change. Maybe she too has a drug addiction that keeps them connected to each other. I don't know. He is also a drug user which makes his moods even more erradic. Could you call the cops on him and would they find drugs in the home? IF he got arrested maybe that would give her some time alone..?
Whatever you do, don't stop loving her. Continue trying to make her aware of what she deserves to have for herself. THE SIMPLE THINGS LIKE MENTIONED ABOVE, such a being respected, treated with dignity and trust and given the opportunity to be her own person.
She may not ever leave him, you have to decide if you can love her anyway. It isn't easy but we don't choose who our friends or family fall in love with. We can be their friend and still not agree with the choices they make.

Victims of abuse are caught in the cycle. When he apologizes and makes up with her, she really believes him. That is part of it. Maybe you can talk to others who are in similar situations (in a support group or online) and find out how they got through it, or got out of it and what they needed during the abuse.

Stay strong. YOu are a good friend for caring for her. If she becomes completely isolated, the only one left is him.

That's really mess up shatter I'm sorry to hear that too... why the world so mean... even I had some ruff times even myself had a hard time to answer my own questions that sometimes I go to the wrong places to find them... but everyone learn a painful hard lesson out of it.. but we must also have faith and do whatever that is right in our powers to make things right... im glad that I found out this place but way too late of finding it when I needed it the most... I hope everyone problems will get better soon in the future

:mad: Abusive boyfriends are the few things in life that can really set me off. As already mentioned you are in a tough situation. In all honesty, and I'm serious about his, if I were in your position I would have already beat him to a pulp. However, as much as I hate to admit it that's probably not the best way to handle it.

What you need to do is go talk to a counselor as soon as possible and find out what are the things you can do. They have been through this before and therefore can offer some good advice. On top of that, I would also go to the police and ask them for their advice. They have seen situations like this before and can offer some insight.

So, what can you do besides this? Keep sticking by her and don't give up. If I were you I would take her, put her in front of a mirror, and tell her to take a good look at herself. Point out the bruises, the cuts, and ask her if this is what she really wants. Tell her, while you two are in front of the mirror, that she is beautiful, kind, and deserves so much better. Once your done with that take her to see a couple you know that is truly happy. While all four of you are together ask the couple how they handle disagreements. Ask them about the wonderful things they do for one another. Once your friend hears these things, pull her aside and tell her, "You see! That's how a relationship should be. That's how two people in love treat one another."

If that still doesn't work take her to a Woman's Shelter and see if she can talk to someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Have her physically see the consequences of her choices and where she could end up if she continues down this path. In fact, it may be a good idea to do this first before attempting my first two suggestions. Sometimes people need a reality check, and what better way to do that than with reality.

This is my best advice as of now. If I think of something else I'll let you know. I know it's tough but don't give up. Good luck.

You may have to have a private talk with him and remind him of the consequences of his actions, you and a few of your good friends. She must cut him loose though, but can't so let him know his actions will bring other actions. (police)

I agree with Tal that having a talk with him might be a good idea. However, I strongly advise against doing it in private because if he is bad as you say then who knows what he might do to you if you threaten him about calling the police. If you think talking will help do it over lunch at a public place.

I was trying to stay within the legal bounds of this sight, being well aware that its up to your friend, to put a stop to this dangerous behavior, which she may not do. Short of letting this go on, a show of support by her friends, may be all that separate her from bodily harm. Hopefully the cops get there first, but you and a witness can make a strong case if you observe any bad behavior first hand. By no means do you confront him alone, as there is strength in NUMBERS.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Anita87

What should I do????

---

Leave.

Seriously.

You stated he does this because he has low self esteem. Well so does your friend. Guess what happens every time he beats her down mentally... or physically. She runs to you and wait right there with open arms making it all better. Then when she gets a little bit of sympathy, an emotion she craves, and one you provide she runs back to him and pattern continues.

With all due respect to your friend, screw her. What's she done to earn your friendship other then bring you into her world of hell. She not your friend at all, you're her emotional doormat. She uses you. She dumps all her problems on you because she can't make the adult decision to give it back to him.

If this tool is throwing is getting violet with her, and threatening her family, why would you even allow yourself to get involved. Why he finally snaps why are you going to put in the middle of this if you happen to be there.

I'm all about helping a friend but she's a grown woman, it's time she helped herself while you helped yourself, because you are allowing yourself to suffer right along with her. If she want's to be abused that's her problem, you've tried to help, you've done more then you should have. Now she's on her own. If she really wants help it's time she stood up and quit using you, because as much blame as you want to place on him, she's an abuser too. It's time YOU removed yourself from this situation.